Just trying to help on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a female friend, K, who is dating R. Well, sort of dating… she’s been trying to end it for about 6 months (that would be about 1/3 the time)… the problem is, she cares for him, and she senses how much he cares for her, and feels guilty trying to end it. So there I was, minding my own business, just being her friend… and I saw how hard she was struggling and, being the enabling personality I am, I got to helping her deal with some of her self-esteem issues etc… and we got to be closer friends… now — before you think you know where this is going, we’re still just friends… but we’re friends in a way that I’ve never been friends with anyone — and the closeness of it disturbs both of us at times…

(more…)

Pretty hopeless on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Me and Mr. Perfect have been dating for eleven months. But I guess I should explain to you what all went on during those months, the best ones of my life. We met one day in advanced drama where I was actually trying to hook him up with someone else. But then I started to get to know him and I really don’t know why we didn’t notice each other sooner, as perfect as we fit together. He shared many of the same interests….we both acted and modeled and even had the same agency representing us. He was Mr. Popular who every girl dreamed of (his looks and charm told why) and I was Head Cheerleader and class President. He modeled for Tommy and I was on the verge of a job for CK Jeans. Everyone thought we were the PERFECT couple, and at first, I did too. We even acted together, often starring opposite each other. In the school’s major production I was Juliet and he was Romeo.

But you know how high school works, as soon as people start getting jealous the rumors start flying!!! All across the school we were known for everything from sleeping together to modeling in nude photos. It didn’t bother me as much as it did him. He became obsessed with his ego, and when I confronted him about it, he denied it. We decided it best if we broke up for a bit to get the rumors off our backs. They were hurting our relationship too much. We got to the point where we were scared to talk to each other in class, in fear someone might start something from it. Soon our reps were cleared and we started going back out. We loved each other so much it was hard to keep apart. But then he started seeing other chicks. At first it was just an occassional “friend” over at his house (which doesn’t bother me at all), but it worked up to where he was skipping dates with me to spend weekends at their condos and resorts.

(more…)

Growing connections from August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am Sunk, with a capital S, and Smitten too. I have a huge crush, and I am a bit worried that there’s all sorts of danger signs flashing that I’m willfully ignoring. I am in my early 30’s, haven’t been with anyone for 3 years or so, since my heart was broken. I cried for 2 years over the Man Who Broke My Heart, but I let time pass, I behaved well, I didn’t do dumb things, etc. In the year or so since I stopped crying, I’ve had 2 interests, both of which ended badly, before anything ever happened. (One had a girlfriend and one was over email in any case.) For the last 7 or 8 months, since the demise of possibility #2, I’ve been fine on my own. (Actually, I’ve been fine on my own since I stopped crying over the Heart Breaker.) I’ve been extremely cautious and all that. I have work I like, friends, a Life.

But, now I also have this huge crush on a goofy poet I met at the community garden. Our plots are near each other, and we began to chat, as gardening neighbors do (friendly places, community gardens, a fact you might want to pass on to your other readers). Within a week or so, our conversations about carrots and bok choy progressed onto the demise of his marriage, my formerly broken heart, etc. Amazing how much personal information can get exchanged while weeding and watering. Our conversations are going swimmingly, we’re both clearly having a great time, and I even convinced him to weed his carrots. Yesterday Looks were exchanged. You know the kind of Looks I mean. I’m giddy in a way I haven’t been in ages.

(more…)

Thinking of others on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a very interesting situation. My best friend and I are the same age (29). We even went to the same high school and lived in the same neighbourhood. We have been friends for almost ten years.

So here is the situation. I have dated several guys/men and even had some serious relationships. Two I actually lived with. Meanwhile there is my best friend going along with all these experiences that I have had in life. She has never had a boyfriend, she has never been kissed.

I always feel bad when I have met someone new and I want to share it with her. I always wonder if she is beating herself up because I can find someone and she can’t. I hurt her quite badly this spring. I met someone and I didn’t want to tell her because I thought it would hurt her feelings that I met someone again and she is still single.

Now I don’t want you to think that I am berating myself but neither one of us are raving beauties but we are very attractive in our own ways and I think my best friend is very attractive. She has a stunning smile and she is so funny and smart, God is she is smart!

I just don’t know what to say anymore. I go through heartbreak after heartbreak and she is always there for me and still she has not found someone.

What do you think of this?

— Pat

BG’s friendly advice after the jump!

In for repairs on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a great and mysterious power. I can sniff out women who are still on the rebound, even if the breakup was years ago, and even greater and mysteriouser, I have the ability to wave my magic wand of fixing, and make everything better. Then it comes back and bites me on the ass.

Am I being obtuse? Let me clarify.

I have been in two serious relationships, and a two close-to-serious ones (I’ll explain what that means later). For reference purposes, let’s call them SR1, SR2, CTSR1, and CTSR2 (aren’t I original?). In all cases, the lady love in question’s last boyfriend was a total jerk (to hear them tell it). SR1’s was physically abusive, SR2’s was completely insensitive and mind-gamey, CTSR1 and CTSR2 both had exes that cheated on them. (I hate referring to them in numbers, because each was amazing in her own right, so from here on in, when I say “she,” I mean “they.” But anyway.)

(more…)

Going downhill fast on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have dated this younger guy (W) on and off for 2 years now. I’m 25. He treats me much better now but there are still some major issues to be resolved. So I asked for some “space” to think about the relationship. Meanwhile I met this nice guy friend M and he asked me out for dinner. When W found out what happened he just flipped and threatened me. He paged me 5 times during that dinner. He said I’m a slut and I cheated on him. (But M and I are really just friends having a nice conversation, no flirting or any of that sort.) W said I’m not allowed to have guy friends unless he meet them first (to make sure they’re just friends). I know I should have called W to let him know I was going out for dinner ahead of time first, but I just want to have some friends. So after a lengthy late night confrontational call I promised W not to have any guy friends and not to meet M until we sort out the relationship. Am I wrong here?

W has always been a very emotional guy. I’m seriously considering ending this relationship but he said he wouldn’t. I know he loves me a lot and can be very caring. He said I’m “the one.” But sometimes he scares me. I loved him a lot too and have given up a lot of opportunities for him. I feel very bad to end this relationship because we have gone through a lot of things together. He said I ‘m taking advantage of him because he wants the relationship more than I do now. He said he cannot end this relationship in a normal way. What is his cannot be someone else. I want to end this relationship in a peaceful way but he won’t. How should I handle this?

I really need some help BG. Please advise.

— Scared and Confused

BG flies to the rescue after the jump!

A bit confused on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I broke up with my last girlfriend a little over a year ago, and haven’t had any kind of satisfactory relationship since then. I’ve dated one girl four times but have not have not been intimate with anyone. My last relationship ended badly from my perspective from a lack of sensitivity about my needs and feelings; she would say we didn’t have sex often enough.

Since the breakup my attitude has been good, but because of a couple of rejections since then, and my last relationship ending badly I have been feeling a strong sense of alienation from the opposite sex and have had a harder time approaching new women. I have as of late started to question my sexual orientation and have been looking at pictures of transvestite/transexual girls on the net. My question is could these feelings be caused by rejection by women in the hopes that a trans-gendered female would understand my feelings and needs better? Or am I gay and have been suppressing those feelings for 42 years? I have always beeen attracted to a smaller percentage of women compared to the “normal man” and do not usually feel sexually aroused unless there is an emotional attachment also. (I am not turned on by men at all.) Should I explore these new feelings?

— Confused

BG’s advice after the jump!

Motherly advice on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a son that has been dumped after a 3 1/2 year relationship. He is a total basket case, almost suicidal and drinking HEAVILY. If he continues trying to drown his sorrow, he’ll turn into an alcoholic. How, as a mother, can I help him????

— Polly

Dear Polly,

Go, Mom! Excellent question. Over to you, Belleruth: “What you should do depends on whether he lives at home or not and how long this is going on and how bad the drinking really is. If he’s at home and it’s been going on for a long time, then it’s definitely your business, cause if he’s with you, his moods, habits and behavior affect you directly. It might even be useful to him for you to tell him to shape up and get a grip, cause he’s driving you nuts and you’re tired of tripping over beer cans and trying to keep your mood up in the face of such perpetual, unmitigated anguish. If the drinking is out of control and he lives at home you can tell him to stop, get help or get out. If it’s only been a few weeks, you can listen, make encouraging little noises, occasionally suggest something helpful, like “Why not go out and make believe you’re not miserable for a coupla hours… maybe you’ll even wind up having a halfway decent time…” etc etc., and when his friends call, you could even occasionally intervene, as in: ‘Yo, Bob, take him out, will ya? He’s turning into eggplant parmesan on that sofa.’ And if it’s been a really long time and nothing is changing, you might want to suggest AA, therapy, a support group, etc. for him, or try Al-Anon for yourself — or at least see a drug/alcohol counselor and get a professional evaluation on how bad it is and what you can do. Otherwise the best — and most difficult — thing a mom can do is take deep breaths and try not to die a thousand deaths while watching the kid suffer, wish him well, and know that this too will pass.”

Love,
BG/BR

Things take a nasty turn on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve recently discovered your website — though it’s too bad I’ve had to consult it in the first place, if you know what I mean…. I could write an epic saga here, because that’s me, but I must keep it short due to the fact I’m at work. The situation: I’ve been in a relationship with KT for a little over a year now, and I love him immensely. He’s bright, adorable, talented, incredibly fun, hysterically funny, “gets” me, and we truly have a wonderful time together. (BTW, I’m 26, he’s 24). In fact, our relationship — aside from the “normal” issues every relationship tends to face & tackle as it progresses — felt like a truly blissful union of minds & hearts, UNTIL. Until I found out that he’s what some call a “sex addict.” HELLO? Believe me, I didn’t see it coming either. We had certainly gone over our sexual histories together many times (who we’d been with, exes, flings, etc.) AND were both tested for HIV when we decided to commit to each other, but KT rather CONVENIENTLY (for himself) left out the details of his fondness for pornographic magazines, movies, phone sex, chat rooms, etc (to be fair, I DID know about this stuff, but not the EXTENT to which he partook), not to MENTION the fact that, in the years before he met me, he went through a phase where he called escorts and visited booths in Times Square, etc. How did I find all this out? One or two little suspicions ended up becoming a full on Spanish Inquisition one night — and I honestly don’t know…sometimes I wish I’d never even probed. You know the deal about how “don’t ask the question if you don’t want to hear the answer” (more…)

Getting crazy on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have an unusual situation. I don’t really have a girlfriend per se, but there is a woman in my life who I see when I’m around. I travel a lot, as in 85% of the time. I may only get 3-4 days notice that I, for example, have to go to Jerusalem for three months. Or, I may wakeup one morning to a phone call asking me to go to San Francisco for the day. Needless to say, it’s hard to have a real relationship. There is this woman in my life, who I do care a lot about, but we drive each other nuts. The net result is that we bump into each other when I’m in town, and have a really wild and crazy, completely irresponsible, sexually torrid, two-day affair. Then we each decide that the other is nuts, start avoiding each other, and then I leave town. When I get back, the cycle repeats. Our love/hate thing seems to be based on the fact that we’re really very similar people, but we’ve gone two separate ways. We see eye-to-eye and understand each other, but our lives are utterly different. I’m a highly paid technical consultant and she’s a stripper/full-time alcoholic. I collect exotic sports cars and condos in interesting places, she couch-surfs and does a lot of methamphetamine. I take meticulous care of my personal finances, and she periodically tries to kill herself. As you can see, we’re very different. But, underneath these different surfaces, live nearly identical minds. Weird, isn’t it? I keep getting drawn back into her chaotic life, no matter how much I tell myself that I just need to walk away. Part of the reason, I’m sure, is that no one other than a wildly unstable lunatic would ever want to be involved with me. I’m successful, but wildly eccentric. I’m sort of a suit and tie guy, but deep down at heart (and on weekends) I’m a shaved-head and leather clothes kinda guy. We’re a perfect match in some deeply twisted way (I won’t go into the details, but we share many common interests). Should I just give up for good?

— Jason

This is truly a job for Breakup Girl … after the jump!