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October 7

Happy beginning!

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 11:29 am

Ooh! BG LOVES a good update!

Hey Lynn!

I don’t know if you remember my “lovelorn letter” from last year (around May 2007 you actually published my letter online* and one of my co-workers who had heard my unrequited love story said “Cheryl, this sounds just like you…did you write to this columnist?”) — was the girl crazy in love with my boss, but he was always the gentleman and never, EVER, gave me any reason to think he was the least bit interested.  I worked for him for a year and then moved on to a really GREAT job, lost a bunch of weight and wrote to you and asked “Do you think I should give it one last shot with him?”

Well, I did – I sent him my last e-mail, and it was a good one!!  I hadn’t seen him in six months, I had lost weight, I was in a great place – and he actually responded.  We went out for the first time on June 1, 2007 and we have been dating and crazy in love ever since.  We are planning to get married next fall (2009).

Thank you for your encouraging and straightforward column and for telling me to “give it one last shot” but if it didn’t work out, I would have “closure.”


* The letter is no longer available online. Original text after the jump…

Dear Lynn:
I’m in love with my boss. Well, my former boss.

I spent a year working for a really great guy and we shared many long, personal conversations – he opened up to me about many things.  He also played in a band and I went to hear him play many times.  I shared my feelings for him on more than one occasion, and while he never stated that he was or wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship, his only comment was “Well, office romances never work.”  We were and are still totally available – neither one of us is married or in a relationship.  He is about five years younger than me and has never been married.

Well, in an effort to see if the relationship could go anywhere, I found a really great job and have been working at my new job for five months.  I have dropped him a few e-mails, never with any response.

Since I left his office, I have dropped 20 pounds (more to go) and had what my friends call a “make-over.”  Should I give it one last face-to-face shot, or just walk away for good?

–Need Closure

Dear Need Closure,

No matter what the ending — and even when they don’t involve romance in the first place — it’s always refreshing to hear Great Boss stories. And you even went on from Great Boss to another Great Job! Good for you. You have excellent work karma, it seems. This will stand you in good stead no matter what happens.

And, no matter what happens, it seems to me it was also wise for you to leave job #1. If anything, your feelings for your boss would have escalated. If they’d stayed unrequited, you might have been driven to distraction; if they’d blossomed into more, you’d have been sleeping with your boss. Neither makes for excellent work karma.

So now what? Well, sounds like you’ve been doing the proactive kind of pining, not the whining kind of pining, so that’s good. (Though are you sure you need to lose more weight?) You do appear to have your head on your shoulders, so sure, slap that heart on your sleeve and give it one last go.

I have to warn you of two things, though. My gut (and, I’m sensing, yours) says that at this point, if he were interested, you’d know. And that there’s nothing you can DO (and, P.S., no weight you can lose) at this point to MAKE him interested. Unfortunate, but true.

That’s one thing. Here’s the other. If the news is bad, hearing it directly — as opposed to via e-mail silence — may help you move on, sure. But since you mentioned it, getting “closure” is actually (speaking of work) a one-person job. If you need someone else to give it to you or do it for you, you’re still intertwined: ergo, not real closure. It can’t depend on his reading from a script saying, “No, Susie, it’s NEVER EVER GOING TO HAPPEN.” If the worst happens, it’s going to be up to you to mentally shut that door. This might not be easy, considering that you’ve structured your life around him for the past while. But it’s essential if you want to move forward. What will help is that the rest of your life — friends, a job you like — gives you a solid foundation to build from. Next time, though, it’ll be simpler if you meet folks through the former, not the latter.

— Lynn


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