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March 14

From friends to … Fritos up my nose

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:50 am

Puppy love on September 28, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been soliciting advice on this subject from everyone I know, but nobody can figure this guy out — so here goes:

I’ve been hanging out with this fellow for about five months now, and although we’re officially just friends, I’ve had the hots for him for months. Recently, he’s begun saying and doing little things that may indicate he now has similar feelings for me. Unfortunately, they are VERY little things, like tickling, mock fistfights, sexual innuendos, teasing, and joking about how he should put the moves on me when we go to the movies, or that we should drive up into the hills and park, but never actually making good on these threats.

The other night we were stretched out on the couch watching a video when he took my feet and put them in his lap. I was congratulating myself on this huge display of affection when he leaned over and shoved a Frito up my nose!

I might understand if he were, say, 12 years old, but he’s 27! I’m fairly certain he has never had sex, which may account for his awkwardness, but he has had several relationships that lasted 3 or 4 years, so it’s not like he’s never seen a girl before. Another factor is that he’s fairly shy and unsophisticated.

Because I value his friendship, I am afraid to take the matter into my own hands and jump him. If I have misinterpreted his attentions, it would certainly ruin our relationship. On the other hand, I’m so frustrated right now that I’m kind of distant and bitchy around him, something that might jeopardize the relationship in the long run.

Should I stick it out a little longer, suppressing my frustration, or stir things up?

–Frito Nose

Dear FN,

Okay, first of all, I laughed so hard about the Frito thing that milk came out my nose.

Here’s the good news: he likes you.

Here’s the bad news: he is 12. I mean, he is doing, like, all the same things Timmy Osborne did when he liked me: throw my Trapper Keeper in the mud, etc. That was sixth grade. This Chip guy has had several relationships, and this is the best he can do when he wants another? You might think it’s cute and all, but remember: the person who is flirting with you in this manner is the same person that, if you date him, you will date. Okay, duh, but do you know what I mean? What will you do for your anniversary, chew up crackers and try to whistle?

Maybe I’m being harsh. But never mind your being distant and bitchy right now — it’s this Wonder Years behavior, I’m betting, that’s gonna jeopardize the relationship in the long run. His being “shy and unsophisticated” isn’t “another factor;” it’s THE factor. I am really, really not trying to be mean. I just want to make sure that this is someone with the maturity and forthrightness to come through for you beyond the flirting stage.

Still, okay. I’ve warned you, now I’ll quit naysaying. If you rilly rilly rilly have a good feeling about him as a full-fledged guy, I do think it would be safe to make an itty bitty move. Maybe tickle his ear with a Bugle?

Breakup Girl


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