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August 7

Can I let go of my dream man?

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 7:51 am

fantasyReality rocks on November 2, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was in an unsteady relationship for 7 years (my friends & family did not like him… but I was stubborn & refused to see the bad qualities in him). We did break up for 1 year during my senior year of college but after graduation we got together & he found a job near me & decided to move in together (to save $ on rent).

A year later, we got engaged & the big wedding plans began, plus we purchased a house. All of these pressures, plans, $, commitment sent him for a loop & he ended up having an affair with a divorced 28 year old F with a 5yr. old. (This affair took place 3 months before our wedding and during this affair he continued to be a part of the wedding plans as if nothing else was going on in his personal life.) I found out about the affair by accident; we did the counseling thing…but he told me that he loved me…but wasn’t in love with me as he now loved her. Make a 4 month issue short & to the point — he moved in with her & I now have the house. I lost 30 pounds during that time & I’m very thin to begin with. I realize that this is the best thing that could happen to me; & I picked up the pieces by telling myself that this is only a difficult time in a very small portion of my life…what I mean is…I still have my career & many good & supportive friends & family.

I moved on & two months later I was feeling great & dating. I met this guy Gravy (who happens to be my best friend’s husband’s best friend) so…the guard was down as he was highly recommended to date & we began talking on the phone…he called me first. We really hit if off & talked for 5 hours every night about everything! Keep in mind we live an hour & and 1/2 away. By the time we had our first date…you would have thought we knew each other for a lifetime. For the past 2 months we have talked on the phone during the week & emailed at night & we have seen each other every weekend.

I always told my ex-fiance what I was looking for in a man (ya know…romance, humor, likes to talk, likes to make me feel good besides just himself). My ex always said I was living in a dream world…but then I met Gravy & so I must be dreaming because he is wonderful & a POSITIVE in my life.

I am 26 years old & I want girls to know at 16 that there ARE other guys out there. When I look back at my high school sweetheart (that’s 10 years ago) & believe me at that time…I thought he was the one! I now laugh to think that I thought my world was coming to an end over him!

The PROBLEM: Gravy just graduated this past spring with his masters & right now this is his first full-time job as a teacher. He informed me the other night that he is not interested in dating anyone else…but he needs his space as he is not looking for anything serious right now because he has to focus a lot on his career…he really is working hard on it at the moment (a lot of late hours planning his day to day tasks).

My question is…do I let go & for how long? Keeping in mind that I’ve been around the block a few times & I finally met this person who is everything that I’ve wanted. I’m not ready for a Serious partnership…but I enjoy his company on the weekends & I look forward to the weekends with him. My philosophy is…you may not be looking but when you do find that person who is soooo right why would you want to stop something good? Is he scared to feel this way? I don’t know…but I left it with him that I would give him his space but not to expect to have me there indefinitely as I wouldn’t wait forever.

He told his friends that he really likes me but doesn’t want anything serious right now. Why do guys always back away from something that is good?

— J

Dear J,

First of all, your “who do guys always…” question is the rough equivalent of “Why do women date jerks?” Mars and Venus: same planet, various dialects. Humans: foolish choices. I’m just saying.

I also want to point out that you’re in the Fantasy section as an example of “ideals” (or, as your ex-fiance said, elements of a “dream world”) that really are just standards. And apt ones at that. You are right to hold out for higher ones.

But I actually don’t get the sense that we do need to skim too much yummy/heart-clogging fat off your image of Gravy. I get that you rilly rilly dig him, but you are not deluded. Which is why I’m basically here to say that you’ve pretty much said and done (and are planning to do) the right things already. If you enjoy his casual company — such as it’s going to be — then fine, go with it. That is, go with him on weekends. SOME weekends. But keep your eyes open at home, J. All you (or BG) can do at this point is take Gravy at his word. And let his name guide you as to all he should be in your life.

Breakup Girl


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