Ringing out the old on January 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

After several weeks of dating, she called and said that I didn’t give her the “click” that she was looking for. At that time, she felt it would be better to end the relationship and say goodbye. Now, after three weeks, she calls me and asks me to a New Year’s outing. As I had no plans for the evening, I accepted. It’s her birthday on January 1 — do I get her anything?

— Dwight

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Moving on, on January 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

It’s New Year’s Eve and my ex-boyfriend and I are now 1,000 miles apart physically and emotionally. We have been apart for about a year now, but he was my first love, and I am finding it extremely difficult to get over him, especially with all the fond memories of the good times we had together. He really was awful to me — he lied just about every day and probably always had at least one girl on the side, and I know I didn’t and don’t deserve that, but I just can’t seem to get him out of my heart and mind. Do I crawl into bed and pull the covers all the way up over my head until I finally feel over him? Or do I catapult myself into the very frightening world of dating? I guess I just need someone to get me out of this awful funk. What should I do to move on once and for all?

–Funked-up in CT

Dear CT,

Some people say, “I just worry that I’ll never find anyone who treats me as well as he does.” You don’t have that problem. Crawl under the covers for one day. Then get out that catapult.

Love,
Breakup Girl

The rules of disengagement from December 29, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend told me that we just don’t “click” anymore. I’ve always tried to be there for her, and I loved — still love — her more than anything else in the world. More than I thought I was capable of loving. I mean, I was in the jewelry store the other day learning of the 4 Cs of diamonds, hoping to present her with a ring after the New Year. I want to be with her so badly. The only thing I want more in all the world, though, is for her to be happy. I’ve always tried to be there for her. Always tried to offer a shoulder to cry on when something went wrong, or encourage her when making a new venture, or join in her cheer when all was right. She has always done the same for me. We always tried to be equals; neither of us ever “dominated” the relationship. If anything went wrong between us, we always worked together to make amends. Our friends thought we were made for each other.

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Dancing around the subject on December 29 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was dating this guy for a few months and ended up moving to the city where he lived (no, he was not the reason I moved). When I moved in he asked me to a holiday formal. I knew it wasn’t a serious relationship and I knew we were both allowed to see other people, but he got involved with someone else and decided he wanted to be only with her. So instead of breaking it off before the formal, he took me. I didn’t know any of this and assumed we were going as a couple, but at the end of the night he broke it off. I wasn’t really mad about that — I was furious that he felt me the need to take me the formal where all of friends knew he was involved with someone else. Am I crazy to think this was wrong and childish?

— Angela

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The presents of boyfriends past visit December 29, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I just broke up after a 3-year relationship. It was a mutual breakup because we just weren’t getting along like we used to. But we still have a tremendous amount of love for each other. This makes it especially difficult. He just gave me a brand new stereo for Christmas, after we broke up! He said he’s been wanting to get this for me for a while. But why would he do this after we broke up? We’re still “friends,” but I don’t want constant reminders of him around me. I’m still grieving the end of our relationship and need time to heal. But he keeps calling and now this huge present?!? Can you make sense of this?

— Amy

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More fruitcake from December 29, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I thought my girlfriend broke up with me last week. She said, “I’m not comfortable with the term ‘boyfriend and girlfriend.'” I was really bummed, it being right before Christmas and all. Then when I called her to cancel plans for a party arranged a long time ago, she said she still wanted to date…What is going on?

— John

Dear John,

What is going on is that girlfriend wants to have her fruitcake and eat it too. Apparently, the term she’s really not comfortable with is “alone.” She may not want to be committed to you, but she also doesn’t want to go stag to that party. Now, some couples (or semi-couples) do manage to have it both ways, but only when a “casual” thing is officially okay with both of them. If that doesn’t work for you, tell her you’re not comfortable with the term “just dating.” Either way, get to the bottom of it, communicate, straighten things out. As you now know, the most uncomfortable terms are “uncertain.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

Repeating themselves on December 29, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,

For two years in a row I have been dumped on December 1 (true fact). Do you think the secret for me is to find love is to skip town next time 12/1 comes around?

–Dumped in December

Dear Dumped in December,

Skipping town will not help. December 1 is recognized – internationally and historically – as (and here’s Breakup Girl’s positive spin) a day of independence.

On that day in history:
(1640) Portugal regains independence after 60 years of Spanish rule
(1821) Santo Domingo (Dominican Republic) declares independence from Spain
(1918) Iceland becomes independent state under the Danish crown
(1973) Australia grants self-government to Papua New Guinea
(1978) President Carter more than doubles national park system size (“needed space”)
(1991) Ukrainian people vote for independence
(1997) Dumped in December writes to Breakup Girl

The best I can tell you is next time – and yeah, buddy, these things come in threes — check Any-Day-In History to determine how your breakup actually fits into a grand historical timeline. You might also find some solace in the fact that your ex shares a birthday with, say, Mussolini, or Charo.

Love,
Breakup Girl

A Christmas conundrum from December 16, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
Thanks for being there at just the right time. My boyfriend of 5-1/2 years just broke up with me a week and a half ago. In Christmases past, I’ve been used to sending and receiving cards to/from “K & P.” Now I’m dreading the fact that I have to somehow tell all of these people that he and I are no longer together (when it was generally assumed that we would be together forever). It still hurts to talk about it…how can I tell people about us without making the whole card thing a big bummer?
— Just K

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Breakup Girl is very busy right now, what with the giddy whirlwind of festivities and shopping expeditions and her Herculean efforts to get you all to say to each other, “Can’t we drop it? It’s Christmas!” But it’s tough. The level of love and cuteness and romance and pressure and, like, red felt everywhere right now is, if anything, a warmup for February, when BG gets really busy. You know, with President’s Day.

Anyway, BG has been going to so many fiestas that she’s had no time to remember that she hasn’t sent a single card. But there’s always time for advice, so here are a couple of BG Holiday Party Tips:

> The holiday party hookup. Bound to happen. Why? Because eggnog doesn’t taste spiked.

• Breakup Girl’s Tip: Make sure you know what you’re doing. Alternate eggnogs with a beverage that does taste spiked.

> The holiday party breakup. Now that’s a deadly combination. Doubles your chances of making poor food choices.

• Breakup Girl’s Tip: never go to the party hungry. I usually accomplish this by attending another party first.

Reasons why it’s not that surprising that I teared up at Cody Linley‘s Dancing with the Stars departure Tuesday night:

1. It felt like a breakup. Or rather, two breakups in one: No more Cody and Julianne cutting it up while cutting a rug like the king and queen of the prom; no more, in my wildly dancing imagination, of our weekly threesomes.

2. Hey, I cried when Boner Stabone bid adieu to bestie Mike Seaver on Growing Pains. (I distinctly remember dashing to my bedroom to hide my tears from my family.) I also cried when Garfield said goodbye to his mother in “Garfield on the Town.” Yes, I have a problem.

3. Or do I? According to this recent study (sponsored by me, you’d think) about the health benefits of crying, it’s not a problem at all, which is great news for me.

Almost nine out of ten participants in the study reported improved moods post-weeping, and researchers found that emotional tears (as opposed to emotion-neutral, chopping-onions tears) contain stress-related hormones. So when we cry over stressful situations, such as a breakup, we really are “crying it out.”

Unfortunately, by “we,” I mean mostly women. The report states that men cry an average of seven times per year. For women, it’s a whopping 47 times per year. Also: men who cry out of sadness were “more positively rated” by women, while women’s sad tears made them less attractive to men.

For the record, Cody cried in a previous episode of DWTS while declaring his (platonic?) love for Julianne, so I know he’s the right man-boy for me.