Getting a second opinion on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

It started about four months ago. I met a wonderful guy who I thought would be the ONE. I wasn’t really looking at the time for anyone serious. Things started out fast and furious. Spent all of our time together and never fought. Two months into the relationship I mysteriously contract the Herpes virus. He tells me he doesn’t have it and also that it won’t interfere with the relationship. Soon after he starts to become distant. I really don’t think anything of it, thinking he just has some added stress. We continue on a healthy path for another month. Then 4 days ago he breaks up with me because (1) he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He just wants to be “alone”. He had been alone for 2 years before meeting me. And (2) he isn’t sure that he can handle the Herpes thing anymore. I know that I am better off without someone who can’t deal with the virus, but don’t you think he owes me an explanation about why he suddenly changed his mind. I also would really like to know if he lied to me all along about whether or not he had the virus. I think he owes me that.

— Suzi

Dear Suzi,

Yep, he kinda does owe you. More data about the virus, not about the breakup. It’s an important health issue, simple as that. Ask him point-blank. But nicely, non-accusingly. What does he have to lose? You’re already broken up. He may not offer much, but you’re totally allowed — encouraged — to ask. Also, I recommend you find a support or social group for like-virused people. You’d thought of that already, right? Please take care of yourself.

Love,
Breakup Girl

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn hears from a gal who asks, How do I stop caring? She was hurt by a guy who hasn’t spoken to her since they did the deed:

The date before was wonderful, the sexual chemistry was great. I understand that one night does not mean any sort of relationship whatsoever. What I do not understand is his apparently not wanting to even speak to me afterwards.

What’s going on with this guy? How can she deal? Read the full letter at Happen along with Lynn’s response, then give us your own thoughts below!

Tied in knots on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Please help with a delicate situation. I can’t speak to any of my friends about it, so I turn to you hoping for guidance.

I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 months. We are both professionals, I’m 32, he’s 28. We fell in love pretty quickly, but it feels right. I have been in three long-term relationships before, he in two.

Here is the problem: I discovered something by accident on his computer one night — addresses to some racy Internet sites about bondage, etc. Now normally, I wouldn’t worry. Just guy stuff, right? Well, the issue is that about 4 out of 5 times when we have sex, he doesn’t come. I do, but he doesn’t.

We talked about it and he said he is happy with our sex life. I didn’t ask him about the Internet sites. The stuff he is into seems like it doesn’t hurt anyone. He is into submission, I think. I went to one of the sites and found a matchmaker section with an ad he placed. I don’t think he had done anything with anyone since we have been together. We are together 24/7.

What should I do?

1. Let him know that I know…and explore this with him.

2. Blow it off and hope the sex gets better on its own.

Please help.

— Lisa Ann

Dear Lisa Ann,

First of all, brava! You’re so nice and non-judgmental about something that often wigs the heck out of people; this is promising, ’cause chances are your boyfriend isn’t going to bring this up.

Now we’re gonna go talk to our official expert, Mistress Belleruth, okay? She says, basically, that Option 2 is out. “She definitely shouldn’t ignore it, ’cause their sex life will only get worse… and worse… and he could end up depressed or outta there or cheating. Besides, now they both have secrets, and they’ll just loom larger and larger. But before you bring it up, you should try to get clear in your own mind how you’d feel about pleasing him on his own terms — if in fact, he would like you to tie him up, say, or administer the occasional spanking… how would you feel about that?? If you don’t mind, great. But if you’re really freaked, you’ll need to be clear on that to him. And then it’s a dilemma that you can at least share and puzzle over together, out in the open.”

And we can infer from your tone that you’ll bring this up sensitively and non-blamingly, right? ‘Cause otherwise, well, that’s not the kind of punishment he’s into.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Hungry for answers on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have liked this guy (let’s just call him B) for about 6 months now (hey, that’s a long time when you’re 14!). He is always very sweet to me, and even though some others claim he’s a jerk, I don’t believe it. But that’s beside the point. Homecoming is coming up in a month. That seems like a very long way off, but everyone in my school is completely panicking about it, especially us freshmen. Let me digress for a moment and explain: B is in the popular crowd. I am in the semi-popular crowd. I’m one of those friendly people that’s not “bad” enough to be in the popular crowd but is still friends with them. I’m friends with the popular girls, and I try to be friends with the guys, but they don’t seem to be interested in me as anything more than a friend, if that. Anyway, yesterday B sat at my lunch table across from me. We got onto the topic about homecoming. He was complaining that everyone had been asked already. I told him that I haven’t. He said, well, everyone that he was thinking of asking had been asked (I don’t think he meant it in a mean way). He asked me who I would like to go with, and I wouldn’t tell him because I hadn’t even told my friends. He assured me that HE was my friend. The rest of the conversation isn’t that important, but I’d like to let you know that we talked the ENTIRE LUNCH PERIOD (I was so excited.). Do you think he meant this as a “I am interested in going with you to homecoming” conversation, or a “I’m really nosy so I’m trying to pump you for information” conversation? I’d like to know so I don’t let the word out that I’d like to go with him to homecoming and make a complete fool out of myself if he doesn’t like me. I’d also like to know, if this WAS actually a “interested in homecoming” conversation, how do I get him to ASK me? Or ask him? Please help, for I need some information fast!!!

— Homecoming Hell

Dear Homecoming,

I’d like to let you know that I spent your ENTIRE LETTER thinking you should go ahead and ask him.

Let me know what happens! He says yes, you write me back. He says no, you write me back. We’ll deal, girlie, no matter what happens. Fingers crossed! Good luck!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Opening a dialog on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My husband and I have both been previously married. My problem is the marriage just isn’t what I thought it would be. His family has never accepted me or my 2 girls & he let’s his ex wife push us around with regards to his 2 children (we have shared custody). This has been going on for 6 years and I don’t see any end in sight. I guess I should also mention that my girls’ biological father rarely sees them, so it would be great if their step-father (husband #2) would actually make an effort to be a father figure with them, but he doesn’t. He is very quiet & brooding. He barely speaks to them, & my youngest (8 years) really needs a daddy. So you see after 6 yrs together you’d think we’d have all of this looked after, but he is the type of guy that just sweeps everything under the carpet in hopes it will all go away. Well it hasn’t & now I think I need to get out. I love him, but I believe that love isn’t enough anymore.

I need help, I have tried to talk to him about splitting up, but he just begs me to give it another shot.

Can you help me????

— Mackenzie

Dear Mackenzie,

Hey, anyone remember that Monty Python sketch that takes place (I think) on a quiz show …

HOST: Name a country where they don’t play tennis at all well.
CONTESTANT: Australia?
HOST: No, try again.
CONTESTANT: Australia?

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Asking the wrong question on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How do I know if I’m being irrational about an issue? My boyfriend never calls in advance to make plans for the weekend … he’ll call a couple hours before to ask me if I want to hang out. He’s 25, I’m 21, and we have been together for 6 months. When is it time to drop him and move on or continue putting in the effort?

— Renee

Dear Renee,

Okay, that’s really annoying. Here’s the question: when he calls, are you still there?

I mean, it’s possible that he’s one of those people who sucks at making plans. It’s also possible that he’s using you as Plan B, waiting to see what else might materialize before he calls his steady. Well, don’t be so goddamn steady. Make your own plans, with or without him. I’m not saying some fake girlpower thing like, “Teach that boy a lesson, girlfriend!” But I am saying that if you are always available at the last minute, you’re doing what people with and without psychological credentials call “enabling.”

‘Cause the other question is this: when you do go out, is he really there with you?

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Getting over it on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s a tough one. I can’t believe I’m writing, but I’m looking for some sort of outlet here, for a problem that no one seems to want to acknowledge or address: how to get over the end of an affair so I can move on with my life.

You see, I’ve been in a virtually sexless marriage for almost 7 years. We got married very young (23/22), and even though we were sexually active, and enjoyably so, before we got married, my attraction to him started to wane before we got married. Trying to be mature and patient, I attributed this to the new responsibilities we faced as adults and believed that we would get back on track once we were living together and got our lives moving. Unfortunately, we never ending up addressing the problem, and basically avoided sex and never really developed a sexual relationship in our marriage. In the meantime, we continued to build a good marriage in many other ways, and have been loving, compatible companions.

Anyway, here’s the real crisis (or the additional one): several months ago I had a very brief affair. I had felt so lost for so many years, had doubted my basically ability to feel desire, and once I did, and had the opportunity, I took it. I never thought I was the kind of person who would be unfaithful in a relationship, but now I’ve learned that it’s not really a “kind of person” kind of thing. The other guy was going through a divorce, and we had been friends at work for several years, and suddenly things started happening, and we both let it happen, fully conscious (I do take full responsibility and won’t fall back on the “it just happened” excuse). Anyway, he ended things, saying it was too hard for him that I wasn’t fully available to him, and that he knew I needed to work things through with my husband and find out where all that was going, and he wanted us to continue our friendship and put up some boundaries between us. I agreed in theory, but felt so lost and confused and rejected in a way, knowing all the while it didn’t make any sense, but feeling hurt all the same. Well, I couldn’t handle any of it — the deception, the doubts I was feeling about my attraction to my husband, the confusion, and when my husband asked me, I told him the truth. He was devastated, shocked beyond belief, and actually became violent and smashed things in our apartment and went to my office to dig around and find out who the guy was, and went to his house and punched him. He is not usually a violent person, though he has always been very jealous, but I must say that this was out of character for him (and me, as well, or so I thought).

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Too much judging on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 16 years old. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months…the first 3 were really challenging and hard, the last 3 have seemed to be smooth sailing. I believe I have found the guy of my dreams (I’m only 16, I know). But he is perfect for me and I love him more than anything in the world.

But there are two problems. For one thing, he is two years older than me and in college…before we got together he was a virgin, and I wasn’t. I constantly receive guilt from him for my poor decision to start having sex when I was 14. I do regret this decision a lot, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I feel like a dirty and irresponsible person with low morals compared to him. I constantly have the complex that I’m not good enough for him. I am not a jealous or controlling girlfriend but I still have my worries.

The other problem is that we don’t tell each other that we love each other. I said it once before I was ready and it caused a lot of problems. The thing is, now I really feel like I do love him, but I’m afraid to tell him because he has told me that although he cares for me a lot, he couldn’t say “I love you” yet. I’m worried that if he doesn’t love me yet, he never will. Please help BG!!

— FoxieGirl

Dear Foxie,

We’ve taken your feelings of “dirty, irresponsible, low-morality” and replaced them with slightly righteous indignation. Can you tell the difference? Let’s watch.

“Hey, boyfriend! The personal decisions I made two years before I met you are not yours to judge. “

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Breaking the cycle on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Love your column, long-time listener, first-time caller, etc., etc., posture, pose, whine, wheedle.

I have the perfect relationship. I’m engaged to my high school sweetheart, who is intelligent, witty, well-read, and fun to be with. And, of course, as an added bonus: she’s gorgeous. Sorta like moving into a cool, inexpensive apartment and finding out that it has a dishwasher.

It may sound as if Ms. Perfect is just that, but she’s got an annoying flaw. She has absolutely no self-esteem whatsoever. She’s constantly belittling her appearance and her intelligence.

I’m fairly certain that it’s not a “fishing for compliments” thing. If she is looking for compliments, then she’s got a *really* high quota: this trend reared its ugly head well into the relationship…she’d had over a year of “gosh, you look nice today,” “you’ve got really pretty eyes, dear,” “hey beautiful,” and other such compliments. (We’ve been dating for nearly five years, and it didn’t really start until midway through the second year.)

At first, she stumbled awkwardly over them, and I could tell that she just wasn’t sure how to react…then she started deflecting them with either self-hateful remarks, the ever-popular “oh you’re just saying that,” or simply a scathing “whatever.”

Telling her that her rebuttals to my compliments are causing me angst causes her to lapse into a depressed self-flagellation, where she berates herself for being an “awful bitch” and offers to break up so that I can find someone better.

She’s 5’2″ and 120 pounds, and she calls herself fat. She’s got a 3.8 GPA and considers herself dumb. She’s the most wonderful human being on the planet and she thinks she’s Leona Helmsley.

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Growing impatient on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated a guy for six months and he kept telling me that “He thought I was settling” which I know is code for “I want to sleep with other people.” Which was fine with me. So the calls started to dwindle, which I expected, but when it came time to get my personal belongings back he kept stalling. Now he is involved with someone else, and will not return my calls, won’t answer the phone, and won’t even put my stuff in a box and leave it outside for me or mail it. So I have kind of decided to forget about it, but since a couple of the things mean something to me I’m a little pissed at his reluctance.

Why is he basically refusing to give my things back? And when should I go by and bang on his door at 4 AM to get my stuff?? Thanks in advance.

— Fishgirl

Dear Fishgirl,

Are all his boxes and stamps at your house? That could be one thing. Other than that, hmm. Possible motivations for his lack of motivation:

1. He accidentally sold your cardigan at a yard sale and, now that you’re on his trail, is stalling while his aunt knits a facsimile.

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