The Predicament of the Week from October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Could you please give me advice on permanently removing a leech from my bruised skin?

I’m a 33 year-old, good looking, stable, professional, financially-secure, in-shape, blah, blah, blah, GWM. But I’m totally inexperienced in relationships. Last December I got together for coffee with a guy from the personals without a detailed telephone screening in advance (never do that — if he doesn’t have time to talk on the phone and says “let’s just meet,” run away!). He turned out to be really cute and masculine-looking, but with no job and living with a friend. So I knew that a relationship was out, but it was Friday night and I had no plans so I took him home. The sex was great. He was fun to be with. A week later he had a job so I decided to date him figuring he’d quickly find a place to live and all would be OK.

But then, I introduced him to an experienced friend who the next day told me “This guy’s stupid, shallow, a user and a manipulator. You are fated to get totally involved with him and destroy your life. Mark my words and don’t come looking for help later.”

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Growing impatient on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated a guy for six months and he kept telling me that “He thought I was settling” which I know is code for “I want to sleep with other people.” Which was fine with me. So the calls started to dwindle, which I expected, but when it came time to get my personal belongings back he kept stalling. Now he is involved with someone else, and will not return my calls, won’t answer the phone, and won’t even put my stuff in a box and leave it outside for me or mail it. So I have kind of decided to forget about it, but since a couple of the things mean something to me I’m a little pissed at his reluctance.

Why is he basically refusing to give my things back? And when should I go by and bang on his door at 4 AM to get my stuff?? Thanks in advance.

— Fishgirl

Dear Fishgirl,

Are all his boxes and stamps at your house? That could be one thing. Other than that, hmm. Possible motivations for his lack of motivation:

1. He accidentally sold your cardigan at a yard sale and, now that you’re on his trail, is stalling while his aunt knits a facsimile.

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Sorting it out on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I broke up five weeks ago, after a little over a year. Mostly he broke up with me, but I sort of put myself in the way of it, too.

Tensions had been building for a few months. I was really in love, and it was pretty painful to be “too serious” with an otherwise wonderful, lovable guy who would every now and then begin talking about his fantasy around-the-world solo adventure, complete with sex and the exotic, unknown foreign woman. You can see how that might bother me.

He was a great guy in most ways, but when they talk about the “Seinfeld phenomenon” of men who don’t want to grow up…well, that was this guy, I think. Really nice, really smart, really sensitive and sensual…and really afraid of settling down and being in love with a great, gainfully employed, attractive, healthy woman who wants a life with someone. Why, he might miss out on a one-night stand with another one of the addictive-personality emotional train wrecks he dated before he met me…OK, I’m a little bitter.

Now, I miss him like hell.

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Predicament of the Week from June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

After three years together and two years of friendship my girlfriend broke up with me…over the phone. She informed me that she did not want a relationship and then refused to talk to me about it because she was late for a movie! I tried calling her later that evening and once more she refused to talk about the breakup, only saying she enjoyed being single, and hung up on me. A few days later she sent me an e-mail saying that she never said goodbye and that she needed time; our time together, she went on, was important to her, and she would never give up all the gifts and stuffed toys I had given her over the years. She told me she would call me on Thursday — well, Thursday came and went and she did not call. I worried, so I called her and her first words were, “I’m going out with someone else now and there is no chance of us getting back together.”

It only gets worse after the jump…

Classic advice from April 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I did one of the worst things I could possibly ever, ever do (at least I realise that now) on the (uh-oh) rebound from a previous relationship feeling lost, wounded, alone, unloved (sob, sob) etc. I got involved with a very nice guy, lets call him Brandon. I have the sneaking suspicion I was fooling myself when I thought I loved him. Honestly, there wasn’t much about B you couldn’t love; smart, kind, honest, bla bla…sure, the type I never seem to find myself involved with, and, victim as always, I always go for someone who turns out to be some psychotic egocentric maniac. So, here is B telling me he loves me with all his soul and I find out, feeling like an absolute rat, that the love isn’t there, it just isn’t. Here is someone willing to COMMIT!! and here am I, the one who has always wanted committment, finding that I cannot love him like he wants me to, try as I might, and I cannot let it go on, the poor soul worshipping the ground I walk on. Now, Breakup Girl, please don’t think me coldhearted, I’m always the one who is dumped, it was very difficult to bring the pain upon another…but I did. And he refused to be “friends” but I really wanted to be friends, he was one of the sweetest people I’d known…he didn’t reply to me for weeks on end, and still I tried and tried to get through to him. I could understand his never wanting to see me again, but the sore point is this: he has some very expensive and very sentimental jewelry of mine. A silver pendant I have had since birth that I gave to him during our passionate little affair. So I sent him everything of his back, pleading with him, practically on my knees wanting it back…but no reply. I haven’t heard from him in months and months, I miss him dearly, and of course, I miss my beautiful pendant and that makes me harbour bitter thoughts. Breakup Girl, what can I do to get it back?

— Porcelina

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Giving him a hand on March 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met a lady online last June and we hit it off and met in August. In October she let me know while visiting her that she just wanted to be friends. We had gotten pretty tight up ’til then and it hurt like hell. My problem is that during the courtship I gave her some keepsakes and some gifts. I told her when she knew I wasn’t “the one” that all she has to do was return the keepsakes and everything would be cool. Well it is now March and no keepsakes (pics from my childhood and a plaster cast of my hand at 2 weeks old). We talk occasionally and I have been politely letting her know that returning them will help me get closure. She has given me no other indication that she wants anything else. What should I do?

— Want It Over With in KC

Dear KC,

Tell her you’re coming over for the keepsakes; then make yourelf a sign that says: FOR PETE’S SAKE, DON’T KEEP YOUR KEEPSAKES AT YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S HOUSE. Then cast it in plaster.

Love,
Breakup Girl

And I was worried about getting my books back from my ex when we broke up!

A man in China was so upset when his girlfriend broke up with him (via text message) that he threatened to post their sex videos online if she didn’t get back together with him. He also stole her wallet.

This display of chivalry did not make her change her mind. Instead, it made her call the cops. The gent was placed on probation and sentenced to 100 hours of community service. The judge told Chris Brown him he was lucky he got off with a light sentence.

The whole story — bad English translation included — is here.

Of all the things I’ve done with possessions from failed relationships — trash, garage sale, bonfire — it never once occurred to me that I should start a museum dedicated to my failed love affairs. But that’s exactly what two Zagreb, Croatia artists, Olinka Vistica and Drazen Grubisic, did when they broke up.

The pair told the BBC they wanted to do something creative with the pain they were feeling. They collected objects that represented their relationship and asked their friends to do the same with their past breakups. More than 100 objects later, the Museum of Broken Relationships is up and touring.

Currently showing in Kilkenny, Ireland, the museum has plans to return to North America in 2010 with possible stops planned in St. Louis; Providence, R.I.; and Toronto.

Among the objects in the exhibit: a wedding dress, a bicycle, a prosthetic leg from a man who fell in love with his physical therapist and an axe from a woman who chopped up the furniture of her cheating female lover.

The museum is still collecting exhibits (details of how to donate are on its Web site). I have a stupid Texas Longhorns bottle opener that plays the university’s fight song that might look good on one of its shelves. What would you donate?

The dog days of February 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I lived with Dave for three years. Asked him to move out two months ago. He is gone, but his stuff (most of it) is still here (and his dog — I want the dog). He refuses to give me back his key to my house because he wants to be able to “see” the dog when ever he wants to. How do I flush him (he’s a plumber), get rid of his stuff, keep the dog, and get my key? Thus going on with my life?

— Margie

Dear Margie,

Sorry, sistah. If visitation isn’t working, all items — canine and otherwise — must go back to their original owner. Get your own dog.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Getting your stuff back on January 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated my ex for about a year. We broke up last year, but I have yet to get all my things out of his apartment. He told me he has still kept my toothbrush. I don’t want him back, I just would like my stuff back! How would there be a good way to go about this?

— Jaime

Dear Jaime,

Surely you’ve replaced the toothbrush by now. But Breakup Girl still wonders what on earth he’s doing with your toothbrush. Has he bronzed it? Or, conversely, does he just keep it around for use as the “guest toothbrush?” Neither one is good news.

In any case, here’s what you need to do…

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