The opposite, from June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Love you, love your column! THE love of my life destroyed me last summer and I still haven’t gotten over him. I have dated a whole bunch of men, tried to keep busy etc….but can’t stop feeling that I have lost the best thing I ever had. I just keep thinking I don’t want him to be happy because I am not. I thought I was doing well for a long time but lately it has all come back to me. Help me! I want my ex out of my head.

— Hopeful to Heal

Dear Hopeful,

You did lose the best thing you ever had. Until that point. And at this point, it’s all coming back to you because, well, you still know what you did last summer. I mean, really, the teeniest things — the whiff of a scent, the note of a song — remind us of loves and losses; how ’bout when that reminder is … the sun ?! And so, even at this time of increased slothitude, you’ve got to do more than “keep busy.” You’ve gone past the statute of limitations for “distractions.” You are still just treading water, gulping brine into your empty heart and lungs. You said it yourself: you do not want him to be happy because you are not happy. This is the problem: not getting over him, but changing what’s around you. What will make you happy (no fair saying “him”)? Grad school, a road trip, new curtains? Figure it out. For real. And at the risk of sounding glib, DO THAT.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Counting the ways on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Just love your website!

I too have been recently inducted into the “jilted” club. My ex and I were together for over five years. I have a couple of questions for you.

1. What kind of guy asks you to relocate over 1,000 miles (to start a new life), does nothing with it when we get there (I did) and then three months into this new start decides he’s not happy and wants out and — here’s the kicker — has not been happy for over three years? Are his expectations too high? Is he looking for perfection? Is he chasing rainbows? Is he depressed?

2. So I left because I was not feeling loved, wanted, or needed. Did I leave in haste? How can I read the signs for the next relationship? To know when to quit?

3. He has corresponded a couple of times since I left him. He’s slightly off the mark with some of his comments/statements. Should I try to set him straight or just file the letters and forget I never knew him?

Three more points and all the answers after the jump

Finding a balance on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Is there a moral or ethical imperative to break up with someone you KNOW to have hopelessly stronger feelings for you than you have now (or may ever have) for them? Or is the burden on them to take the information they have been given (accurately reflecting this emotional imbalance) and make their own decision as to their life and if they get hurt along the way, it really was their fault anyway?

— Chris

Dear Chris,

You and Jamie Summers have a lot in common. Rather than supplying equally legalicious commentary, let me take this, prose-wise, in the opposite direction:

Let the person know. Let it sink in for a while; see what happens. Don’t look for some “imperative;” see how you feel. If and when “guilt” exceeds “fun,” you’ll know what to do. Just promise to say it in English (and without parentheses).

Love,
Breakup Girl

Misunderstood on June 1, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 17 and a junior in high school. I was going out for two months with this guy named James, but how we ended up breaking up was really strange. I called him one night to ask what was wrong and he misunderstood me and thought I was trying to break up with him (don’t ask me how he got it mixed up). Anyway, when our band class went to Florida for a trip, one of my best friends hooked James up with a freshman. Everyone told me that he didn’t really like this girl (who we’ll just call Penny). But that was a month ago, and I never see the two of them together, and I actually don’t know if they were ever really going out. Anyway, prom is coming up and I really want to ask him. His best friend told me that James does not really want to spend the money to go to big dances like prom. I was going to ask him, but he and I do not talk as much as we used to. We both went our separate ways, and we don’t even say a simple “hi” to each other in the halls. But I can’t stop thinking about him and want to get back together with him. So what should I do? Should I ask him to prom, and how? How can I get back together with him? How can I start talking to him again? Please help!

— Abigail

BG’s response after the jumop!

Keeping up appearances on June 1, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend has been really busy lately and things haven’t been going well. (Busy with soccer, work, scouts, church, etc.) I still love him a lot but I think he is uncertain of his feelings for me and broke up with me. I have been trying really hard to be cheery around him (it’s working quite well) so that he won’t feel powerful over me and I’m trying to make him like me again and realize what he’s missing out on. If you could help me find ways to get him back, I’d appreciate it a lot. I smiled at him and said “hi” in the halls today at school and he’s looking about how I feel (he looked upset — sad/angry/depressed — I couldn’t really tell but he was surely upset). Also, I’m a freshman and he’s a junior and he asked me to prom about a month ago. I’ve got the dress, the shoes, the hair appointment, and when he broke up with me he said he still wanted to go but I don’t know if I should or not. Do I go with him as friends? I am not sure he even wants to go — maybe he’s just being nice. And what if I end up going and have a terrible time or realize how much I miss him and start crying? Please help. Thanks.

— Lisa

BG thinks outside the corsage box after the jump

Hard to compete on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

A girl recently told me that after one week of dating she had to choose God over me. Should I feel bad losing to the big guy?
— Mecci

Dear Mecci,

One week? Wow, this God guy must be pretty special.

Okay, most kidding aside, no, you should not be wrathful. It would be worse to lose to, like, the big guy in your class. As in, someone you — with all due respect — could actually compete with.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Heavy stuff from June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Well, me and my girlfriend have been going out for 11 months and tommorow it would be a year. I have been to a shrink about 1 month and stopped because I felt fine, but I wasn’t the problem I had to go to a shrink for — it’s my biological dad (I never knew him and he died by gunshots because he stole drugs from a gang member), but before all this I tried to meet him. Plus when I was about 12 my stepdad cheated on my mom and I looked at my stepdad as a real father (he also had a child with this other woman). Well I was wondering me and my ex-girlfriend got in a lot of fights and the reason we broke up is because of us fighting. Well I always snapped on her for the stupidest reasons so it was my fault mostly, but when I went to the shrink this never happened I never snapped or anything. So she said she needed time to sort things out so is it over or is there a chance and if there is another chance how can I stop snapping at her? Thanks.

— Chris

Dear Chris,

Okay, everyone, since we’ve been on the topic of melo/drama recently, how many of you have just put your situation in perspective?

(more…)

Offering “hjlelp” on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Jeg er 22 ar og trenger noen a kose med. Kjaeresten min har forlatt meg, og jeg lurer pa hva jeg kan gjore for a bli atrakktiv igjen. Er det noe galt med meg! Gi meg noen tips. Venter spent pa svar. HJLELP MEG. Koz og nuzz fra …

— Heidi

[“I am longing for someone to be with. My beloved has left me and I am wondering what I can do to make myself attractive again. Is there something wrong with me? Give some advice. Waiting anxiously for a response. HELP ME. Kisses and hugs from Heidi.”]

Dear Heidi,

You do not stop being attractive just because someone leaves you. Well, maybe for the first day or two you look kind of hideous. But no, there is nothing to “do” to “make” yourself more attractive. And no, there is nothing wrong with you. There was — and this is very different — something wrong (who knows what) with the combination of your “beloved” and you. And also, just for the record, something a little funny about your assumption that everyone speaks Norwegian.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Inextricably linked on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend of nearly a year and I broke up about a month ago. For the month before, we had been having problems and decided to be “friends” (meaning that we still spent a lot of time around each other, but avoided anything too physical), but could date other people, providing we told the other person. She went out with someone else, and did not say anything, and I found out somewhat accidentally. We got in a big fight, and childishly didn’t speak to each other for two weeks. To make a very long story short (or try), she can’t see the guy for legal reasons (she’s an instructor at one school, he’s a senior in high school at another in the same district), and while she still talks to him, that’s about all. We are both at the same college, in the same department, with the same emphasis, so we see each other at least a couple hours a day, five days a week. Plus we have the same circle of friends, etc. We agreed to try and be friends, slowly, considering the amount of trust that had been lost between us. We had been best friends before we dated, and didn’t want to totally lose each other. The problem comes in that we can’t seem to decide how to deal with each other. One week, she’s very friendly and flirty, until I think she’s getting too close, the next week, vice versa. I guess my basic question is, what the h*** is going on? Oh, to add to this sticky situation, I’m good friends with her closest sister, something of a big brother to her only brother, and her dad is my future landlord. Exactly how screwed am I?

— Zino Trope

Read BG’s response to Zino Trope after the jump!

Still stressed on June 1, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a serious problem, BG. Have you ever heard of a person’s entire head of hair going gray due to a particularly crappy breakup? There was fully an inch of it coming out of my head before I took the matter (the bottle) into my own hands. I am young! I swear it! Could it be possible that a good, solid rebound might somehow reverse this procedure? Please say it’s so…

— The Silver Queen

P.S. I tried the “relapse” first, and although it seemed to help somehow, it didn’t really work on my hair.

Dear Silver Queen,

I prescribe Grecian Formula. As in: 1 round trip ticket to Crete + 1 great little dress = 1 man out of hair.

Love,
Breakup Girl