Feeling second rate on October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have this wonderful, wonderful boyfriend. We’ve been living together for over a year now, and I couldn’t be happier. We are best friends, and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him. The problem is, he had a girlfriend before me. Now, keep in mind that he no longer speaks to this girl (not to mention the fact that this girl is supposedly getting married, or maybe already got married) and says he doesn’t like her at all, and didn’t like who he was when he was with her. However, despite all the logical attempts I have made to overcome this, I have a raging jealousy of her. She was his first everything — girlfriend, kiss, sexual partner. They only dated for a month. Now, I realize that:

1. I am the one he comes home to now, the one that he shares things with and chooses to be with.

2. I am being incredibly petty about this.

But, this continues to bother me. Why? He doesn’t even talk to her! (How do people whose SO’s are friends with their exes ever deal…?) What can I do, BG? I’m going nuts here! I wish I didn’t know anything about her, but silly me, I insisted that he tell me stuff. (Warning to readers if you print this: DON’T ASK, you don’t want to know!)

I’ve talked to him about this, and not surprisingly, he doesn’t have many suggestions for me other than to just forget about it. That’s what my friends all tell me, too: that it’s kinda silly and I’ll get over it, don’t worry. But it’s been a long time, and I haven’t gotten over it. What can I do? PLEASE help!

Thanks ever so much. I’m a huge fan of the page… read it every Monday.

— Petty

Dear Petty,

Second hand, second-rate, second class, second fiddle. “Second” does get a bad rap, doesn’t it? And when it comes to love, our firsts are in a magical mystery class by themselves. So it’s totally normal to get a little pouty about the one who went before – especially when she’s the First Lady.

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Beyond “staying friends” on October 28, 1998...

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am doing okay except that my friend has a problem. I have a friend who has been having trouble with his girlfriend. She is five years younger than he, and just moved to school about three weeks ago. Oh, did I forget to mention that he is my ex? Yes, we are doing the “friends” thing, and so far, after failing a few times at it, it is finally working out.

You see, part of his problems with her center around me; she does not like the fact that he hangs out with me, calls me, and even (by some sort of a fluke, out of our control) stayed in my room at school last weekend (he slept on the floor on an inflatible mattress — very innocent. He would never cheat on her, and I would not allow him to with me.). When we get together we spend a good chunk of our time discussing her and his problems with their situation.

We have a very honest relationship, and always have, and I have told him many times that I think this girl is dragging him down. I only hear the negative things about her, and I, quite frankly, did not treat him poorly while we were dating and haven’t since we have become friends. We are best friends, and I don’t think she realizes how important we are to each other. He doesn’t place limits on whom she can hang with at school, and he doesn’t think it is fair for her to do that to him.

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Going nuts on October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a question for you concerning psychotic ex-girlfriends. My boyfriend’s ex, we’ll call her Betty, of MANY years, truly needs therapy. Since the beginning of our relationship, she has done the following to both of us: prank phone calls at all hours of the night and day, followed us, driven by our apartments, mutilated our cars several times, picked a fight with me, and most recently, after much denial, apologized to him. Trust me, this is just the tip of the iceberg for what we have gone through with her. Unfortunately, given our vague statutes on stalking and harassment, we could never prove anything to press charges. I have tried with all my might to be mature about this and remain calm. But the longer it continues, the more difficult it becomes to control myself. It’s unfair for me to have to go through this. I didn’t even know the woman before Will and I have never done anything to her, not even in retaliation. It’s not my fault that she cannot accept the fact that their relationship is over and she shot any chance of them being just friends. We are getting married very soon and I am beginning to wonder if this childish behavior will ever cease. (more…)

Green with ectoplasm on October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend has a lot of female “just friends.” One is his old girlfriend who is a basket case and seems to always need rescuing. I know it’s her way of “keeping him.” I do trust that he doesn’t want to be with her romantically but he’s never introduced us and I totally resent that they are perpetuating this relationship. I think she calls him about three times a week and he only admits to speaking with her “once in a while.” He didn’t want to upset me since he knows I sometimes show jealousy (mild) about his female friends. He claims he’s never been as close to anyone as he is me. And that he loves me and respects me deeply. Am I being stupid for not putting my foot down about his ex?

How should I handle the fact that he has so many “just friends?” I’m currently taking some time away from him so he is ready to do some degree of listening to get me back. Though he hates to feel cornered. Help.

— Jealous

Dear Jealous,

First of all, I have to say that it’s not a bad idea on your boyfriend’s part not to introduce you to his ex. It may in fact be quite politic. New girlfriends and old girlfriends, especially when each has a case of “jealousy (mild),” and “basket,” respectively, go together like oil and water (hot). You actually want to meet her? To what end? So you can see “Practical Magic” and go out for pink drinks and bond? So you can smile nicely and be the stable, non-single one? I can think of way more productive things to do with your life, such as learning how to make the perfect vinaigrette.

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A real classic from March 30, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that I have recently been dealing with a difficult breakup. The good news is that it’s not mine…

My boyfriend’s ex is, well, a psycho hose beast. Before we were dating, they had broken up, but she was still causing him a lot of pain and suffering. He was obsessed with her for a while, and then he finally seemed to be letting go of her. A while after that, we started dating. Things were mostly OK. She would come up in conversation occasionally, but I never felt seriously threatened by her. I know that she is bipolar, and can be a very nasty person for no reason.

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