Impatient on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend of one year recently broke up with me, then decided it was a mistake and wrote me an e-mail saying she thought she still loved me, but couldn’t deal with the distance (she graduated last year and moved two hours away, hence the breakup, which was entirely one-sided). I told her I couldn’t really deal with e-mails saying she thought she still loved me and asked her to take some time to figure out if she did or didn’t and to get back to me.

The problem is, now I’m starting to get a little upset that it is taking her so long to decide if she still cares for me. Should I rush her, or just sit and be frustrated?

— Brett

Dear Brett,

She’s totally allowed to be confused, but she’s totally not allowed to send you confusing emails. If there’s something specific that you two need to work through together, then fine, you should talk; but writing, “hi, might still love u, but not sure, bye! : ) <SEND>” doesn’t count. You need to <REPLY> with, “ok, let me know by [specific deadline].”

Love,
Breakup Girl

Predicament of the Week from November 2, 1998…

El Duderino Rides Again … and Again…Now in Second Place for All-Time BG P/W Appearances

Dear Breakup Girl,

First of all, I have no intention to break the record on serial Predicament of the Week (Brad). So I’ll try to keep this brief and relatively less colorful.

Second of all, you were accurate about the pitfalls of seeing life through tinted glasses. Very perceptive. However, I hesitate to peg Japanese Girl as one of those first decent meal after coming out from self-imposed exile. I don’t think I have loss my common sense to have fallen for someone who just happened to “step in.” JG is INDEED a truly righteous babe. My heart grins just thinking about her. It follows, of course, that I did not fall for the sake of falling.

And third of all, I don’t have a third-of-all, but still.

From my angst/metaphor ridden letters, you would not have gotten the impression that, in “real life,” I am basically this aggressive, devilishly mean, Newman/Brando-ish stockbroker. I don’t think I have split personalities, may be I’m just a bit more in touch with my feminine side, two hard-core feminist sisters made sure of that. Frankly, this affair with JG deserves more delicate consideration as opposed to one of those million dollar trade, where you coldly calculate your beta, stare at your candle-stick charts, and say “well, this trade “SUCKS,” lets cut it loose.” If it was that simple, with all due respect, my sentiment and prose wouldn’t have been this purple.

(This straight talk does not in anyway diminishes my respect for, and gratitude towards BG. But I digress)

Anyway, it’s not really like that, is it? I mean like how do you rationally reconcile the fact that a mean and nasty schmuck like me can feel completely vulnerable and soft in front of this woman? (It’s true, I so eat dudes like those in Glengary Glen Ross for breakfast and I’m so not purposely deprecating for the effect of juicing the script.) How then do you explain that a man, whose favorite phase is “that’s not my problem,” could spend hours mixing paint and rubbing them into the canvas to paint her portrait and then later argue with himself about hues in his sleep? How do you conjure the image of a normally serious adult who manipulates his facial muscles doing an impersonation of “The Boiling Pea Soup” to the beat of Harlem Shuffle, making a complete fool of himself in the process, for her amusement just to hear that glorious note of laughter?

How, pray tell?

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The Predicament of the Week from October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was rather honored to have been the elected The Predicament of The Week the last time I wrote. I write again to update you on the latest development. I’m sorry to take up so much of your time.

I don’t know if it was a coincidence or a divine intervention of your Superhero-ness, but after I last wrote, I met this incredibly interesting woman who is in many ways similar to Golden Girl (scary thought, isn’t it?) except that she’s Japanese.

I have a very tight-knit group of friends who are acerbic, iconoclastic, with oh-so strange senses of humor and she fits right in, like fresh cod in steamed spring rolls. She can take it and she can dish it, so to speak. She can drink all of us under the table, and yet, look so damn elegant at the same time. This is a woman with “passion and intelligence born of living and the ability to move or be moved by the subtleties of mind and spirit.” This is a woman to whom the difference between a pasture and meadow seemed important. Words just flow out of her lips like “the silver apples of the moon/the golden apples of the sun.” This I describe with the utmost objectivity I can muster, I swear.

Here’s the catch. She is relocating away, for economic reasons. What seems inevitable is a choice of pursuing a long distance relationship or “fogeddaboudit.” I have a feeling that she had been understandably holding back on her feelings because of the impending move. I too did not pressure her to say anything for or against a possible relationship. What’s the point, really? You can’t give an answer when you don’t have it, right?

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Changing his tuna on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been seeing a woman for quite some time (>4 years), but we’ve always had a long distance relationship. We’ve always been up and down, but now that she has followed me to a new city, things have been more down than up. I’ve given her a 2 month “adjustment period,” but I’m still confused. At times I think she’s the one, and at other times I want to check out the rest of the fish in the pool. To make things more confusing, my new job combined with being new-meat-in-town has made me a chick magnet (not trying to brag– this is new to me).

Other hang-ups include: We’ve decided that I’m the one who needs to commit, ’cause she feels completely commited. We’re both very busy professionals who value our own time and have little free time. I’ve always thought (and my friends agree) that she’s the type you marry. She was a rebound-chick that kept going and going and going… There were times that I nibbled at other fish when we were apart, and once I got baited. There’s a part of me that’s a mako and another that’s a white baby seal. Positives include that she may be the nicest girl I’ll ever meet, and she really is the type that I should marry. We also have some very good times together. I’d like some insight of yours.

— Don’t Stand So Close to Me

Dear Don’t Stand,

When it comes to the question of marriage, using terms like “type,” “should” and “positives include” has all the romance of Arthur Treacher. Hey, Mr. Meat, cut bait (gently), and go fish on Friday.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Unresolved feelings on September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I went out with a guy for 4 years. Two years into it, when I was 24, I found out I was pregnant. Pretty bad timing since I was about to move to another city and he was about to go on tour with his band. We were both broke. We hadn’t really decided to break up, but he had insisted he wasn’t interested in maintaining a long-distance relationship (although it turned out we did, a sloppy on and off one). We knew that I was pregnant for a week before I had my abortion. In that time, we didn’t discuss it very much. Although I wasn’t entirely against having a child, I couldn’t picture ourselves together. I’ve always been pro-choice, so although it was a painful decision, I felt at the time it was the right one. I was pretty sure I would have to do it alone, and I didn’t think I could be a good mother in those circumstances.

He and I have been apart now for about 4 years. I, for some unknown reason, am still very attached to him. He lives on the other side of the country and just became engaged to someone else. I am with someone else too who I enjoy a lot, but am not in love with. Me and the long-distant ex- had been talking on the phone, in the hopes that we could build a friendship that could continue after his marriage. During our last conversation, he asked me why I had had an abortion since he had been ready to have a child. I am pretty sure that he never told me that back when we had an option. We might not have discussed it as much as we should have, but then again, we never discussed anything enough which is probably one of the reasons the relationship didn’t work out.

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Second thoughts on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend left for college and I’m a senior in high school….and quite honestly I don’t know what to do. We agreed to stay together because (if I get accepted…and who wouldn’t accept the 4.129 on the ACT student that I am?) chances are I’ll go to the same school as he next year (been interested in it since WAY before we ever met…and he isn’t going there because of me…) and we’ll graduate at the same time (cause I’m taking 4 AP classes and will earn a bunch of college credits from them!) Anyway, problem is, now I’m really lonely and having second thoughts.

I can’t really get out and do that much anyway, I’m spending lots of time studying (because of those four AP classes. And he’s going to school about 12 hours away! So it’s not like I’m going to cheat on him…even though my friends want me to (A**holes.) I really really really love him and swears the same to me. He’s always been good to me, so good to me, he’s so perfect and we think alike and…sigh* But I’m so lonely and unhappy here now. I don’t know if I can live like this for a whole nine months (give or take about two weeks.) It’s just too hard and this IS my senior year. He even told me I could see other people if nothing came of it (does this mean he might do the same? I’m not going to and I really don’t want him to do it. It’s not fair for the other person…leading them on and all, and I don’t think it’s fair for me if he does it either.) (oh yeah, and what if he falls in love with somebody else? What happens to me then?) Truthfully, the only guys I was even slightly interested in ever in the past four years have all either joined the Navy or left for college now. I don’t have that many friends at all…and I just feel like crap. Why’d he have to go to school so far away? I already don’t like this LDR thing, I’ve felt like crying for weeks. Everybody I know says to break up with him–but I’ll even be more alone then. And I need and want his parents help next year when I leave for school (my parents aren’t willing to make that long trip.) He told me not to be sad, so I don’t want to tell him how I feel! But I AM sad, I can’t help it, I don’t know that there is anything else I can ever be! I don’t know if breaking up would help or not, I think not. But I need something! Oh what should I do?

— LDR Gurl

BG goes the distance after the jump!

Going the distance on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Please help me. I haven’t ended a relationship, it’s just in suspended animation; which makes it harder because when you break up you move on and there’s some kind of closure. My boyfriend of three years is a military guy and just got transported to the other side of the earth for one year. Before he left he refused to make a commitment and told me it was “highly probable” he’d come back to me. (The issue of remaining monogamous prompted his response, said he didn’t know if he could). I made it clear that monogamy is what I expect even from 10,000 miles away. (Hey, if I can do it, so can he, right?) I was prepared to say goodbye when he left.

Anyway, now that he’s been gone for 8 weeks, he’s like a different person. He e-mails me the most sappy lovesick notes everyday, tells me how much he misses me and how lonely he is. He reassures me he’s not interested in being with anyone else because he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. Hey, he even wrote me a letter with tear marks on it because he got emotional writing the thing. What am I to do? Believe the nonchalant man than was noncommital before our separation? Or, believe the emotional wreck that seems to have realized what a good thing he has? I am so confused at this point I’m going crazy. Help!

— Michele

BG clears things up after the jump!

Playing it smart on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This is going to be kind of long, since I have several questions for you. First, it would be easiest if I set up some background. I am 14 years old, I will be 15 in September. I am heading to college this fall in Florida. I currently live in Maryland. Back in November, I was on Yahoo chat and I met this guy. I’ll call him John. He is 16. (Yeah, I know, here it comes! He and I seemed to get along, and– you probably won’t believe this– we spent 9 hours on a chat room reciting movie lines from “Pure Country.” OK. That was fun, and all that kind of thing. I put him on my email list, to get all the junk and stuff I sent out. Back in February, we both got ICQ and started chatting. On February 12, he asked me to be his netgirl. I accepted. (Just wait, it gets better.) Well, for a while there we were talking almost every night for about 3 hours, until his and my work interfered. Also, during that time period (Feb.-April) he was emailing me 2-5 times a day. (BTW, he lives in Iowa) Now, we chat about once every 2 weeks (if that often) and I have gotten two, count ’em, emails from him since June 17. I know I am starting to sound a bit obsessive….forgive me, it’s late. He and I have the same interests, but we are different enough to not be clones. I feel totally comfortable talking with him, and I consider him my best friend as well as my boyfriend (which is what our relationship has been upped to). We share the same morals and views on most things, he respects my parents’ views, and wants to consider us engaged. (All of this I am relaying as of 2 weeks ago, our last chat.) He also listens to me, takes my opinions seriously, and has a great sense of humor. (Did I mention that he is cute too???) So, from every standpoint, he is “Mr. Right.”

Well, except for a few things.

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Sh*t is about to get real on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First I just have to say I really enjoy reading your advice and it has helped me through some tough choices. Now I had better get to the point. I am 17 y/o female who lives in Canada and I have been “dating” a 19 y/o guy from Germany. It is an online relationship. Neither of us believed in “online love” until it happened to us. First we were friends and then one thing led to another… we have been together for a year. Anyway we both really love each other, but sometimes I feel he loves me more. I know he is great– sweet, honest, loving, funny– but for some reason I find myself overlooking those things. Lately I have been stuck on “do we have a future together” and “is he the one?” You are probably wondering why I am worrying about such major issues when we only have an “online” relationship. The answer is, in fact, he has an opportunity to come visit me in about 3 months. We had began to plan a couple other trips early in our relationship but for various reasons, namely money, things didn’t work out. I am glad that they didn’t then because I wasn’t “ready” for such a big step. Now though, the latest opportunity seems great! When I have first heard about it I was so thrilled beyond belief. But now the time is approaching that he must buy a plane ticket, etc. within the next few weeks. I am now beginning to panic. A major problem is asking my parents, whom I don’t have a very open relationship with. (Maybe Breakup Mom has some tips.) Lately (in my panic state) I have been wondering more and more about if he is “the one” and if its worth us meeting. It will cost him a few grand and his holiday time, but it is costing me nothing. Still I don’t know if we should meet. Can you PLEASE help me… I need an answer ASAP and well if you can’t help then somehow I’m going to have to decide on my own. *Scary.*

Thanks a million.
— Confused in Canada

BG and her mom respond after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

Deal: seeing boy for six months, not serious (i.e. never really considering future possibilities) although we spent all our time together. All. He met a girl who lives far away, decided he is ‘in love’ and has been conducting a long-distance relationship with a woman he has met once. Of sorts. He still sleeps at my place (though there is no sex) and we eat together, walk the dog together, trying to proclaim to the world and to ourselves how comfortable we are with being … Just Friends.

His girlfriend (somewhat understandably) goes ballistic when my name is even mentioned, and so he no longer mentions my name to her.

He is completely infatuated with her, but is completely completely unwilling to change things between us. He says that because we are no longer actually having sex, he is not being unfaithful to her … though we still sleep in the same bed and I wake with his arms around me … I know that’s terrible, but HE’S the one who has changed things so shouldn’t HE be the one who is responsible for making sure things change?

Wait, there’s more after the jump!