… for someone who will lead you to shore when a shark bites your head?

This can be a stressful week. Single people worried they will die alone. Couples worried they will die alone if they do the wrong thing on Valentine’s Day. Here at BGHQ we try to be zen about it — or as close to zen as we can get while still stressed out: we write HAIKUS! In honor of our past Valentine’s Haiku Contests, we’re opening up a post for readers to submit their best relationship-themed haikus in the comments! To illustrate the 5-7-5 syllable scheme, here’s one of our faves:

Am I over her?
Why, did she ask about me?
Hey wait, come back here!
–Brian Thomas

It’s a Crisis On Infinite Earths! Earth-4 Idol Carrie Underwood teams-up with Earth-7 Idol David Cook to battle Fleetwood Mac; The resulting rip in the AI multi-verse creates so much anti-matter, the caustic “Go Your Own Way” becomes a sexy crowd pleaser!

Haikus too wordy? How about capturing a relationship in just six words? That’s the premise behind Six-Word Memoirs on Love and Heartbreak: by Writers Famous and Obscure, an adorable little compendium of love and loss featuring our own famous author, Lynn Harris.

Engaged in Jerusalem. Thank you, God. —Lynn Harris

He still needs me at sixty-four. —Armistead Maupin

Married by Elvis. Divorced by Friday. —G.M. Rouse

Will government ever let us marry? —Vicki Marsh

Add your own to the comments! Here’s mine:

Why’d I design her wedding invitation??

Catchphrase for V-Day ’09: Frugal is the new flirty. (What Mia said!) Which is why we’re having a giggle over these custom candy hearts thought up by the folks at BusinessPundit.com, created online via the ACME Heart Maker site*. STMU L8ME!

*Make your own without leaving this site!

From the book description:

Auction catalogs can tell you a lot about a person—their passions and vanities, peccadilloes and aesthetics; their flush years and lean. Think of the collections of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Truman Capote, the Duke and Duchess of Windsor.

In Important Artifacts and Personal Property from the Collection of Lenore Doolan and Harold Morris, Including Books, Street Fashion, and Jewelry, Leanne Shapton’s marvelously inventive and invented auction catalog, the 325 lots up for auction are what remain from the relationship between Lenore Doolan and Harold Morris (who aren’t real people, but might as well be). Through photographs of the couple’s personal effects—the usual auction items (jewelry, fine art, and rare furniture) and the seemingly worthless (pajamas, Post-it notes, worn paperbacks)—the story of a failed love affair vividly (and cleverly) emerges. From first meeting to final separation, the progress and rituals of intimacy are revealed through the couple’s accumulated relics and memorabilia. And a love story, in all its tenderness and struggle, emerges from the evidence that has been left behind, laid out for us to appraise and appreciate.

Sold!

A seriously inspiring story for V-day: BG’s alter ego had the pleasure and privilege of getting to know Lindsey Nebeker and Dave Hamrick, who both have autism — a diagnosis that makes conventional relationship skills particularly challenging — and getting to tell their love story in Glamour Magazine. The moral of their story is not that “love conquers autism.” It’s that two deeply committed and passionate people can, with a great deal of work, have both.

xkcd does the math.

Sold! Check out Super in the City by FOBG Daphne Uviller:

In a city brimming with opportunities for heroism, twenty-seven-year-old Zephyr Zuckerman has often fantasized about committing acts of bravery that would make front-page news. Now she may get her big break — though it may require plunging a few toilets. When the superintendent of her parents’ Greenwich Village brownstone is led away in handcuffs, unemployed Zephyr takes over his post and unleashes her inner sleuth. As she discovers titillating secrets about her tenants, she finds herself with a new reality far more intriguing than her imagination.

Soon, Zephyr has sussed out wrongs that stretch from losers on the Internet to art fraud and an international crime ring. The mob thinks she’s in the FBI, and the FBI thinks she’s in the mob — a predicament she needs to clear up fast. But perhaps not before a cute, surly exterminator helps her solve the mystery of what to do with the rest of her life.

Another reason to look forward to spring?

Via BuzzFeed.