Style advice from October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I guess that I am one of those “unapproachable” girls that you suggest that your readers try not to be. I am an attractive and active university student and I have many friends from different social groups. The problem is that I am old fashioned and WILL NOT ask a guy out (all right, I am shy too). It would be deceiving if I said that no one ever asked me out, but I guess I am looking for something other than what is being offered. I have been told many times that I look unapproachable, though. I wear a lot of black (but my hair is blonde); sometimes I think that changing my look would secure me more dates but then I realize that I shouldn’t have to change myself for anyone. My question is not “what is wrong with me,” but “what can I do (without totally changing myself) to make myself more approachable?”

— Tara

BG’s fashion statements after the jump!

Getting extra-marital on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently got married. I love my husband a lot, but I still feel a need to go out alone, without him, with some of my friends. Well, in particular, with one friend, who happens to be a man (a very gay man). I don’t like to bring my husband along when I go out with my friend, because my friend and I are very close, and having my husband along changes the dynamic a lot (my friend feels kind of uncomfortable around straight men, and the two of them don’t have a whole lot in common). The problem is that I feel that now that I’m married, it’s not really appropriate for me to be socializing without my husband. All this is made a lot more complicated by the fact that I’m very close to my friend–in some ways, I’m closer to him than to my husband. My husband isn’t thrilled about my relationship with my friend, but he tolerates it. The bottom line is that on some level, I feel like I’m cheating on my husband, but obviously, there’s nothing sexual between my friend and me. Am I just making myself feel unnecessarily guilty over this whole thing?

— Just Married

BG’s answer after the jump!

Getting real on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My problem is with my net friend of one year. I’m a 16 y/o girl and I feel so incredibly confused! My net friend, he lives across the country on the west side and I know that we’ll probably never meet until we’re older, providing that we still keep in touch. He and I are not into that whole net girlfriend and boyfriend thing which is what’s causing my confusion. Over the course of one year, I’ve started to like this boy so intensely that I’m scaring myself. I keep trying to tell myself that he’s not real, he’s just a name, but I can’t get myself to believe it. We don’t have a net romance thing going and I don’t want one. The prospect of us being more than just friends is always lingering over our heads and it makes me feel sad that I can’t be with him. He’s so special to me and I haven’t felt this way about anybody! I don’t know how it feels like to be in love with someone, but if it feels like this, then it’s heaven! It’s like he’s my soul mate!!! Should I tell him about how I feel about him? I’m afraid he’ll think I’m a freak and cut ties. For some reason this is making me feel very embarrassed and none of my real life friends know…nobody knows except me. Could this feeling of intense infatuation be partly because I am so inexperienced with boyfriends? I’ve never had one before. Also, I’m not the most popular kid on the block but I am well liked by my peers. I’m not painfully shy, or extremely introverted. I really want to meet this boy just to know whether he and I are compatible in real life but I get scared sometimes when we have nothing to talk about, that we’ll lose contact and we’ll never get the chance to meet. This person has changed me emotionally, has taught me so much about myself and has been there just like a real life friend has. But he’s not a real life friend!! and that’s what’s killing me inside. Please help me! Thanks a lot.

— Toula

Dear Toula,

You’re right about one thing, wrong about another. You’re right when you suggest that your “lack of experience” with boyfriends may intensify your infatuation. But Toula, you’re wrong when you say — though I know what you mean — that he’s not a real-life friend. If he has, as you say, changed you, taught you, been there for you, well, that’s plenty real enough for me. Enjoy, savor, and treasure what he has to offer, and you’ll be that much more ready for someone in the flesh.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Not feeling friendly on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been reading your column and I’m under the impression that you’re a genius. So I now leave it to you to help make some sense of what happened, and how to understand why she resolved things they way she did. This girl Nicki and I did finally get together and went steady (after a years long courtship) during my second semester MBA year. When school was over I took her over to England for a week and took her out to see ‘Beauty and the Best’ and ‘The Phantom of the Opera.’ We had our own apartment to stay in for that whole week…and during that week she got to see all the sites, traveled to all the pubs, and toured everything with me…It was an investment that seemed well worth the money and effort I put into planning it. We had fun, she professed her undying love for me, she called it our little honeymoon before I went off to start work. So what happens? No sooner than when everything is going perfectly and smooth do things turn bitter.

I came back to College to pack up and she tagged along with me…that was nice, all five days we tried to prolong the daparture for as long as possible, but it had to be done…I had to work and start my next phase of life, which was 1000 miles away. As I left we promised each other to make this Long Distance thing work out…Well, not even a month had passed when she decided that she is too young to hold out for this and broke up with me…and hey get this. She still wants us to be friends like we used to be. I agreed like the spineless man that I am, I didn’t want to lose everything with her, you know.

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn counsels a gal who is Sad and Confused because her boyfriend of two years wants some time apart…

He said he needed time to get his head straight. But we were still seeing each other about once a week  and talking a few times a week.

Sounds reasonable, but it’s been five months now. Should she keep waiting or put her foot down? Read the full letter and Lynn’s advice over at Happen, then come back here and comment below.

Blindsided on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently ended a relationship with my girlfriend of four years. Things were always pretty damned good and I was happy with us, and she told me she was always happy with us. I mean I knew this girl inside and out, I always knew what she was thinking. I thought, “Hey cool. She’s the one for me. I found her. I’m a lucky one.” A couple of weeks ago we spent some time apart. She went off to the beach with three of her friends. Before she left we kissed and hugged and told each other how much we loved one another. When she got back, I was oh so excited to see her, but instead I got, “Ummm… we gotta talk.”

Yada yada yada. She broke up with me, and she took it pretty damn well. Didn’t even shed a tear. I was crushed. I vomited for days. Couldn’t eat a thing. Couldn’t sleep. My girl that went down to the beach was a complete 180 from the girl that came back. I still haven’t gotten any closure to the whole thing. Her reasons for the break-up were pretty vague. And this isn’t one of your “let’s separate and in the future who knows.” kind of break-ups. It was a “We will never be together ever again but we can still be good friends” kind of break-up.

I’ve been going through all the stages. The desperate “why oh why” stage. Then the denial stage. Then the anger stage, and so on and so forth. Now I’m just plainly at the “Huh?” stage. I have at least three friends who have had a similar experience and they have friends with the same experiences. To this day they are all still dumbfounded.

My questions are:

1) What is this “phenomonon” where the girl wakes up one day and her mind is completely changed without any warning? You’re a girl. Explain this to me.

2) Just as an aside, FOUR YEARS! I know, I know, “Better four than ten.” But what if I get into another relationship like this and I waste another four-plus years of my life?

— Totally Bewildered

BG’s answers after the jump!

Wanting a do-over on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve had an on off relationship with this guy for about year. Finally, towards the end of the school year we have a pretty stable thing going. But then comes summer, filling my schedule until I saw him less than once a month. So I decide to break it off. It made sense at the time but now I realize I really do love him. It’s like not having him makes me want him more. We have no classes together but I see him in the halls and at parties. He’s a big flirt so I can’t tell how he feels about me. How can I let him know how I feel about him without making it obvious to the world?

— Jacklyn

Dear Jacklyn,

Um, tell him, not the world. I know it’s pretty much the same thing, this being high school and all, but still. One friend of BG’s once told someone how he felt by taking out an ad in the college paper. That’s what I’d call “obvious to the world.” (Also, it didn’t work.) Instead, find a place where you can talk one on one (like the phone), and ask himwhat he thinks about a do-over. If he’s into it, great. But if he says no, don’t you dare tell the world he’s a jerk.

Good luck!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Trapped in the middle on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating this girl for about a month now. She is a really pretty, nice, smart, and sweet girl. But there is a problem. I think that I might have started dating her for the wrong reasons. There is this guy that keeps bugging her and tells her that he loves her and all this junk, and she doesn’t like it. The more I think about it, the more I feel that I started dating her to protect her from this guy.

But, that’s not all. I’m the type of guy that my friends rely on to help them with their troubles. Especially being the middle man when my friends break up. You know, being the nice guy, trying to cheer them up. But this time something happened between me and the girl whom I was trying to cheer up. This is another big problem because the girl just broke up with one of my good friends.

I need some serious help.

— Flip

Dear Flip,

Whoops!
Here’s how to be a gal’s main — not Middle — man. Trust her to like you because you’re being who you are, not because you’re Helping. When the next one comes along (or, at least, when you reevaluate your current flame), assume she wants a boy, not a bodyguard (unless she’s Whitney Houston).

Love,
Breakup Girl

Apart of nothing from October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 16 years old and recently my boyfriend moved quite far away. We were very much in love. When it came to the idea of breaking up, my boyfriend told me we weren’t really breaking up, we are “breaking apart.” Whatever that means. I’m really not sure. It will be a very long time before he comes back to visit and I don’t know if I should date ever. I still love him a lot and I know that he is the only guy I want to be with, but is it foolish to wait at such a young age. I know I should probably be discussing this with him but I’m not sure he understands either. Every thing is so confusing. I’d really like to know if I’m wasting my time and if I should even still call him my boyfriend. I hope “breaking apart” isn’t just a nicer term for breakup but I don’t understand the so-called difference. Do you think you could clear this up for me? I would really like to know where I stand.

— Isabella

Dear Isabella,

Never mind the difference between up and apart— I think the real keyword is away. As in “quite far.” I’m not saying you shouldn’t try and stay “together,” but it will be hard — especially if you don’t talk to each other honestly about what your intentions and expectations are. This situation is totally confusing! Your brain knows it’s foolish to wait, but your heart’s like, “….Waaaaaaaiiit!” So yeah, give yourselves a real talk — how does each of you feel about “seeing other people?” etc. — and give yourselves some time to get used to being apart, whatever your status. Even if the new key word turns out to be over, you’ll be down, but — I promise — you’ll get through. (How can I be so sure? Remember: he’s away, not in all of your classes. Waaaay easier to move on.)

Love,
Breakup Girl

Sex with an Ex on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Let’s-call-him-Jack and I have been broken up for nearly six months after dating for nearly 3 years. We tried the friend thing for a while and it worked out quite nicely except I foolishly took every nicety as a sign that he wanted me back. But now I know that just isn’t going to happen and I’m fine with it, although I still think about him every day, multiple times a day. However, I sort of have the hots for someone else AND am enjoying being single. My question is, Jack and I started sleeping together again in late June (we broke up in March) and have done it 5 times since then. We are always drunk when this happens but the sex is INCREDIBLE. The first few times he would not kiss me and we would not cuddle afterwards, just roll over and go to sleep. However, I mentioned the no-kissing policy made me feel like a prostitute so the last two times he has kissed me and held me BEFORE and AFTER we did it. The problem is, I know it is stupid to have sex with an ex, but what if it is REALLY good and you aren’t nursing false hopes of reconciliation? Also, what’s up with the kissing thing? Please help!!!

— Confused yet Satisfied

Dear Confused yet Satisfied,

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: of course the sex rocks your world. There’s no aphrodisiac like a breakup. As in, “You look great without … commitment.”

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