A bit confused on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I broke up with my last girlfriend a little over a year ago, and haven’t had any kind of satisfactory relationship since then. I’ve dated one girl four times but have not have not been intimate with anyone. My last relationship ended badly from my perspective from a lack of sensitivity about my needs and feelings; she would say we didn’t have sex often enough.

Since the breakup my attitude has been good, but because of a couple of rejections since then, and my last relationship ending badly I have been feeling a strong sense of alienation from the opposite sex and have had a harder time approaching new women. I have as of late started to question my sexual orientation and have been looking at pictures of transvestite/transexual girls on the net. My question is could these feelings be caused by rejection by women in the hopes that a trans-gendered female would understand my feelings and needs better? Or am I gay and have been suppressing those feelings for 42 years? I have always beeen attracted to a smaller percentage of women compared to the “normal man” and do not usually feel sexually aroused unless there is an emotional attachment also. (I am not turned on by men at all.) Should I explore these new feelings?

— Confused

BG’s advice after the jump!

Motherly advice on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a son that has been dumped after a 3 1/2 year relationship. He is a total basket case, almost suicidal and drinking HEAVILY. If he continues trying to drown his sorrow, he’ll turn into an alcoholic. How, as a mother, can I help him????

— Polly

Dear Polly,

Go, Mom! Excellent question. Over to you, Belleruth: “What you should do depends on whether he lives at home or not and how long this is going on and how bad the drinking really is. If he’s at home and it’s been going on for a long time, then it’s definitely your business, cause if he’s with you, his moods, habits and behavior affect you directly. It might even be useful to him for you to tell him to shape up and get a grip, cause he’s driving you nuts and you’re tired of tripping over beer cans and trying to keep your mood up in the face of such perpetual, unmitigated anguish. If the drinking is out of control and he lives at home you can tell him to stop, get help or get out. If it’s only been a few weeks, you can listen, make encouraging little noises, occasionally suggest something helpful, like “Why not go out and make believe you’re not miserable for a coupla hours… maybe you’ll even wind up having a halfway decent time…” etc etc., and when his friends call, you could even occasionally intervene, as in: ‘Yo, Bob, take him out, will ya? He’s turning into eggplant parmesan on that sofa.’ And if it’s been a really long time and nothing is changing, you might want to suggest AA, therapy, a support group, etc. for him, or try Al-Anon for yourself — or at least see a drug/alcohol counselor and get a professional evaluation on how bad it is and what you can do. Otherwise the best — and most difficult — thing a mom can do is take deep breaths and try not to die a thousand deaths while watching the kid suffer, wish him well, and know that this too will pass.”

Love,
BG/BR

Things take a nasty turn on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve recently discovered your website — though it’s too bad I’ve had to consult it in the first place, if you know what I mean…. I could write an epic saga here, because that’s me, but I must keep it short due to the fact I’m at work. The situation: I’ve been in a relationship with KT for a little over a year now, and I love him immensely. He’s bright, adorable, talented, incredibly fun, hysterically funny, “gets” me, and we truly have a wonderful time together. (BTW, I’m 26, he’s 24). In fact, our relationship — aside from the “normal” issues every relationship tends to face & tackle as it progresses — felt like a truly blissful union of minds & hearts, UNTIL. Until I found out that he’s what some call a “sex addict.” HELLO? Believe me, I didn’t see it coming either. We had certainly gone over our sexual histories together many times (who we’d been with, exes, flings, etc.) AND were both tested for HIV when we decided to commit to each other, but KT rather CONVENIENTLY (for himself) left out the details of his fondness for pornographic magazines, movies, phone sex, chat rooms, etc (to be fair, I DID know about this stuff, but not the EXTENT to which he partook), not to MENTION the fact that, in the years before he met me, he went through a phase where he called escorts and visited booths in Times Square, etc. How did I find all this out? One or two little suspicions ended up becoming a full on Spanish Inquisition one night — and I honestly don’t know…sometimes I wish I’d never even probed. You know the deal about how “don’t ask the question if you don’t want to hear the answer” (more…)

Getting crazy on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have an unusual situation. I don’t really have a girlfriend per se, but there is a woman in my life who I see when I’m around. I travel a lot, as in 85% of the time. I may only get 3-4 days notice that I, for example, have to go to Jerusalem for three months. Or, I may wakeup one morning to a phone call asking me to go to San Francisco for the day. Needless to say, it’s hard to have a real relationship. There is this woman in my life, who I do care a lot about, but we drive each other nuts. The net result is that we bump into each other when I’m in town, and have a really wild and crazy, completely irresponsible, sexually torrid, two-day affair. Then we each decide that the other is nuts, start avoiding each other, and then I leave town. When I get back, the cycle repeats. Our love/hate thing seems to be based on the fact that we’re really very similar people, but we’ve gone two separate ways. We see eye-to-eye and understand each other, but our lives are utterly different. I’m a highly paid technical consultant and she’s a stripper/full-time alcoholic. I collect exotic sports cars and condos in interesting places, she couch-surfs and does a lot of methamphetamine. I take meticulous care of my personal finances, and she periodically tries to kill herself. As you can see, we’re very different. But, underneath these different surfaces, live nearly identical minds. Weird, isn’t it? I keep getting drawn back into her chaotic life, no matter how much I tell myself that I just need to walk away. Part of the reason, I’m sure, is that no one other than a wildly unstable lunatic would ever want to be involved with me. I’m successful, but wildly eccentric. I’m sort of a suit and tie guy, but deep down at heart (and on weekends) I’m a shaved-head and leather clothes kinda guy. We’re a perfect match in some deeply twisted way (I won’t go into the details, but we share many common interests). Should I just give up for good?

— Jason

This is truly a job for Breakup Girl … after the jump!

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn responds to a Jealous Girl whose boyfriend recently commented on the attractiveness of a friend of hers at a party before they started dating.

Over the three years that my boyfriend and I have been together, I’ve managed to put [30 pounds] on. I am feeling insecure about myself right now, and when he told me about his initial attraction to my friend before we met, it made me feel jealous and hurt my feelings.

Should boyfriends be finding other women attractive? How should Jealous Girl deal with her insecurity? Read the full letter at Happen Magazine, then post your own thoughts below!

Back to work on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s my dilemma: I moved to a horrible place in the midwest last year for the sake of Mr. Mediocre. Things ended a few months ago, and I’m getting ready to go back east where I belong. While I’ve been out here in the midwest, I’ve been a self-employed writer. So, now as I’m applying to jobs back east, the first question every interviewer asks me is “What brought you to the midwest?” From my resume, it’s obvious that I never had a regular job here, and that I had a good gig going back east before I left. So, how do I explain this move to a prospective employer? I can make a joke out of it pretty easily, but I find it hard to explain it in a way that helps a job interview (probably because it still hurts, and I’m sure that shows). So what do you, the Miss Manners of breakups, suggest I do?

— Tongue-Tied

BG’s answer after the jump!

Burying the lede on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ok…so I guess I have two questions. I was just reading your bit on long distance relationships so here goes. About two years ago I broke up with my boyfriend of almost three years. A year ago, I asked a complete stranger out. Completely random — I thought he was cute, he said yes — voila, lunch date, movie we hit it off quite well. I end up getting sick — as in having surgery sick. I move in with my parents — 3000 km away — to Washington state. He visits here twice, I visit there once. Each time he has been here, he has been very affectionate, very sweet — we’ve made travelling plans together etc. We both agreed before I moved, that a commitment, a formal relationship, would be ridiculous. Mainly due to the enormous distance and the fact that neither of us is ready. (I want to be single for a bit due to my tendency to merge with the other person and lose my personality — other story.)

Fine. Groovy. So, a few months ago, I went to visit him. At his house — he lives at home as he is getting into real-estate and has it easy. He behaved very, very differently. He was distant, not as affectionate. Didn’t talk about plans — wasn’t as nice even. Now, I had just come off of my period, so hey, I thought maybe it’s hormones right? All in my head? But, now that I’m home, and we talk on the phone every Sunday, I’m getting the same vibe. (He had email for awhile and in type, was his usual self before my visit self — and he was like that at the airport when I was leaving too! Grrr.) I know he hates the telephone, but prior to my visit, he didn’t let that stop him from being sweet. What is going on? A couple of my friends are convinced he is seeing someone else — and yet, we agreed on complete honesty. Is he seeing someone and is too uncomfortable to tell me? I would be fine and taking it one day at a time if there hadn’t been this strange shift in his behaviour towards me. Was it my being in his house? Here is this commitment-phobic person (he says he does not want to get hurt, bad things have happened in the past and he is just very nervous of getting close) and I’m in his bathroom brushing my teeth, talking to his mom and dad, chatting with his sister while he’s at work…did it scare him? freak him out? Any advice to stop this noise in my head would be wonderful!

(more…)

Down and out on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m attractive but overweight, therefore, no one even gives me a second look. Every time I meet someone in a bar, he’s “bar quality.” I don’t like church socials and I don’t have friends (they left with my last relationship). How do I start over?

— Where Can I Find Someone?

Dear Where,

With an attitude makeover. In the meantime, I’ll try to get a cliche makeover. But it’s true. Look, BG will always readily acknowledge that often, in our boniness-is-next-to-goddessliness culture, the larger one is, the harder it is — paradoxically — for one to be/feel “seen.” BUT. Sounds to me like people do give you a second look. You do meet guys in bars; you just don’t like them. You had at least one relationship, which is actually more than a lot of “thin” people who write to me can say. I’m not saying you’re being ungrateful or not “looking on the bright side;” I’m just saying you might be projecting more than necessary of the dating angst we all have onto your own weight. And then what you’ve got is a big fat self-fulfilling prophecy.

(more…)

Making a mess on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

You must be the hardest-working superhero on the ‘Net. I’ve been reading your column for about three months now, and find what you have to say provocative and sensible. Here’s my big question: how does one deal with guilt? I need a little help.

Obscenely short fact roundup: G and I were engaged, but not particularly happily (you know: he asks you to marry him, then gets freaked out when you start thinking kids, house, future…) He started getting itchy feet, and wanted to break up (sow his wild oats, find someone with a body type ‘more his ideal’, the usual nonsense). So, I agreed, and we moved apart back in October.

I then (not having read BG’s website) broke a number of BG’s rules for breakups: it was long, slow, and messy. I was lonely, and depressed, and we spent far far too much time together. We also kept sleeping together sporadically, which was always followed by a few days of being utterly depressed to the point of it affecting my work and quality of life (thank you to my roommate for making sure that I ate!). All I wanted was to stay friends and to get on with my life (which I couldn’t do when we kept sleeping together). I had made it clear that we weren’t getting back together, but he kept saying that we weren’t and why couldn’t friends sleep together, etc. I wasn’t in a good space. (I should add that he was trying to date some woman in December, but it didn’t work out.)

(more…)

The fix is in on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl:

My two best friends (who are married) fixed me up with a friend of theirs, Dave, and we all went out a couple of times. Since then, Dave and I spent every spare moment together and our relationship turned very serious very soon. The problem is he’s in the middle of getting a divorce. I was very hesitant when we first started seeing each other. I kept telling him that he needed time to get through everything he’s going through and the last thing he needs is to be in a relationship. He just kept reassuring me and reassuring me. He told me that things have been over in his marriage for a long time. He told me he loved me and I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I kept saying that the timing was wrong and that he needed time to himself. He said that if the best thing in your life came along at the wrong time, does that mean you should pass it by? So I eventually caved in and got caught up in the euphoria that was our relationship. Three months later…

(more…)