Regretting it on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Firstly… you rock.

Secondly, I’m kind of a wreck, so I seek your counsel, once again, for a little perspective on my breakup nine months ago. To recap: I’m 29. Me and “John” broke up four times during the four and a half years that we dated, first he with me, then me with him…etc. Every time we got back together it was always because we tried to be friends, and then one thing led to another–you get the idea. We would keep our reconciliations from our friends for as long as possible because we knew they wouldn’t understand. Well, actually, it was mostly my friends who wouldn’t understand because they always felt that John perhaps wasn’t the best man for me, even though they all really loved him a lot, and thought he was a great guy.

When we finally broke up for the last time, it was my decision. We were in the midst of a secret reconciliation, but this time I was really sure that it was not what I wanted at all, but I didn’t know how to stop the cycle. I went to a party, got together with a guy there (with John asleep in my bed at home), and that basically started the whole ball rolling…I told John a few days later that I was going to go on a date–we had decided that we could still date other people, a theory that had yet to be tested–and he obviously became very upset. OK, I told him on his birthday…but you really can’t plan the timing of events like this, right? I went on the date, the date spent the night, John “stopped by” my house the next morning at 6:00 a.m. and proceeded to scare the living daylights out of me/date by banging on the windows, calling incessantly, trying the door, and waiting for us as we came out the front door.

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Finding yourself on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I just moved from Florida to Virginia. And, even though I have moved before, it was never before I hit puberty. I have zilch self esteem. I don’t know how to get over it. I know, be yourself, be nice, be friendly, etc., but I don’t want to be the cookie cutter girl. I want to be myself, even though I have no clue what that is. I am so shy. I don’t hold conversations very well, my mind goes blank like I am meditating or something. I don’t know what I want to do. I want to travel, but whenever I bring up something, my parents give me some discouraging remark or a lame excuse. You probably get tons of letters, so I’ll get to the point, I need to know how to get over myself. This letter is probably just plain silly, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

— Nicole

Dear Nicole,

My two cents: Anyone who tells me she has zilch self-esteem — and then apologizes for a “silly” letter — is right. Yes, Nicole, you’re definitely having a tough time. But there is a light buried somewhere in the U-Haul, you’ll see …

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This house is not a home on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I think I’m going insane. I just broke up with my boyfriend of three years and nine months. We’ve also lived together for about two and a half years… We still have to live together because neither of us has the money or the means to move out. We have our own rooms, so that makes the situation at least livable. I don’t want him back at all and the feeling is quite mutual; in fact I don’t know why I stuck it out in the relationship so long to begin with.

Anyway, I’m saving up so that I can move out. It’s been about a week since the breakup and I haven’t even cried yet (nor have I felt the urge to). Unfortunately loneliness is starting to hit me like a freight train and I really find myself craving male companionship and affection like some sort of psycho co-dependent weakling. But my ex seems to be taking the breakup so well– I haven’t seen even one smidge of sadness or regret in his face. Then again, one of my main problems with him was that he was about as caring, warm and romantic as a frosty bottle of liquid nitrogen.

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Back to work on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s my dilemma: I moved to a horrible place in the midwest last year for the sake of Mr. Mediocre. Things ended a few months ago, and I’m getting ready to go back east where I belong. While I’ve been out here in the midwest, I’ve been a self-employed writer. So, now as I’m applying to jobs back east, the first question every interviewer asks me is “What brought you to the midwest?” From my resume, it’s obvious that I never had a regular job here, and that I had a good gig going back east before I left. So, how do I explain this move to a prospective employer? I can make a joke out of it pretty easily, but I find it hard to explain it in a way that helps a job interview (probably because it still hurts, and I’m sure that shows). So what do you, the Miss Manners of breakups, suggest I do?

— Tongue-Tied

BG’s answer after the jump!

Disharmony from August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

You rule… I discovered the site lo these many months ago, and can’t start the week without checking in. But now it’s time for me to receive the royal scepter bonk on the head, if you will, or perhaps the superheroine firm but kindly lasso round my constricted brain. Briefly (I swear!): Years of relationships lasting eight months or less. Frankly, I’m tired of it. It’s not that I want to get married per se, but I would like to find someone to, in a way, share the driving duties with me on the road of life. I’m very independent, sassy and all that, and I’m generally happy with my life and most everything is swell or at least manageable–except for this itty bitty absense of a partner. It doesn’t help that I’m in my mid-thirties and most of my friends have already hooked up with long-term squeezes, husbands, and all that, so there are increasingly fewer babes to play with out on the town.

Anyhow, I met this man in a band I was in…it was supposed to be a one- or two-shot deal, a couple of gigs and then b’bye but the music scene here is such that we kept running into each other after *ha* the gig was up. Then, we’re in another short-term band! Hoorah! So, more music, more hanging out. After one of these practices, we go to a party together, and I end up spending the night, and I’m happy, it all seems passionate and mutual and all manners of goodness.

The goodness continues for weeks, until he returns from a trip to the west coast, and is distant. (more…)

Moving … on, July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently moved to Philly to be with my long distance boyfriend. We were “madly in love” and he was telling everyone (including me) he was ready to marry me. So I hopped in my car and moved out. All at once things changed–no big surprise–but he started pushing me away and “flexing his freedom muscles.” Eventually, the relationship could handle no more and so we broke it off. Now, almost two months later, he wants to be friends, but I am having a terrible time. I still love him dearly, but I am still hurt and I can’t stop second guessing myself. I want to move on, but I don’t want him completely out of my life–he’s just too special. How do I do this? Feel comfortable, relax and just be willing to have a good time with him on a platonic frienship level?

— Lorien

Dear Lorien,

Well, Philadelphia is the City of Brotherly Love. Which bodes better for the platonic part than the “madly” part. (Also, Conde Nast Traveler Magazine rated Philadelphia America’s FRIENDLIEST City. Uh oh. Word to the wise: try and relocate to places with slogans more like “…is for Lovers.”)

But look, if you’re not ready to hang out with him, you’re not ready. If it smarts too much now, then give yourself a little more time to keep your distance; it doesn’t mean he’ll always be “out of your life.” I mean, we’re friends with England again, but it took a while.

Speaking of which, did he really say “flexing his freedom muscles?” Euw. He may have taken the tour of Independence Hall one too many times.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Cohabits die hard on February 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I live with my boyfriend of three years and something happened two months ago that he totally misread and now he won’t even talk to me. He told me it is over but has made no plans to move out. He sleeps on the couch, I got the bed. He won’t have anything to do with me and I just don’t get it. I have done everything humanly possible to make him see that I love him and want this to work out for the long haul. He says it is over. I feel that if he wants it over so bad he should be the one to leave. You figure he would be sick of sleeping on the couch. I want to get on with my life. I want to date. If he does not want me I feel that I should be able to find someone who does. How so I make him see that he has got to go so that I may actually have a shot of getting over him and moving on?

— Confused in Bethesda

Dear Bethesda,

Um, it’s going to be kind of hard to “date” with your ex-boyfriend on the couch. Start packing. Your stuff.

Love,
Breakup Girl

A weighty question from January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
My ex was over moving my furniture the other night — I know it sounds crazy, but I swear it was just a favor — and this guy that I’ve been dating on and off for a month and half found out. This caused a situation so uncontrollable that I lost the guy I was starting to date. We were getting along so well… but now he says he “needs space.” I don’t understand — what should I do?
— Patricia

Dear Patricia,
First of all, I think moving heavy furniture is a very good thing for an ex to do. Second, I assume he wasn’t, say, moving his stuff into your apartment. Finally, if guy #2 “needs space,” why not send your ex over to move his furniture out?

If you really do have a just-movers relationship with your ex, then yeah, Dating Boy is probably overreacting — but I can also see why he might have been a little intimidated. Furniture-moving is not a delicate favor, but it is an intimate one. So give the skittish guy one clear, pressure-free phone call just to let him know that you see why that could have been weird, and that you’d be happy to see him again if and when he’d like to. And next time, do your own heavy lifting.

Love,
Breakup Girl