Dear Breakup Girl,

I started dating at a very young age (14 years old). My parents let me date this guy whose name is Jesse. We went together for a year and a half. We went through this little stage in which we would break up, then change our minds so on and so forth. Well we have been officially split for about 2 months. My best guy friend Chris is one of Jesse’s friends so of course I hear about him often, even though Chris doesn’t talk a lot about Jesse (he knows that it hurts me). Well recently I was shopping with my friend Christine and I saw Jesse at the mall with one of his guy friends. It had been a long time since I had seen him and it was good and bad all at the same time. We didn’t know how to act since we were there together, but not really together (you know what I mean). So me and my friend were going to leave because she knew I felt awkward around him, but he said he wanted a hug before I left. I was wrong when I thought that would be okay. Of course those sparks started flying. He told me how much he missed me and all of those lines that make a girl happy. Well Jesse decided to go and talk to my father, who happens to be a big man, and ask him if Jesse and I could go out soon. (My family does not like him.) Well my 16th birthday party was coming up the following weekend and my dad agreed on my behalf that Jesse and I could go out after my party. Well here I am thinking this is great. All of a sudden he doesn’t like to call as much. He met someone else in those moments of time before he could see me. He still calls every once in a while. At one time I was his everything. Now I am nothing. There is so much more to this story, but should I just say forget him and move on. He still gives me hope at times, and then turns it away. I love him and I guess that is why it hurts so bad! HELP!!!!

— Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

If Jesse was willing to lay it on the line with your big scary disapproving dad, then, well, yeah: you’d think that you were about to be upgraded to his “everything” again. But my hunch is that he was running on leftover sparks from that mall-hug — sparks that since then, for whatever heinous awful painful no-good very-bad reason, have gone out. In terms of giving you hope, I think he is just trying to be nice. Which is … nice. But not a sign. Still, at least it indicates that you are not nothing to him. You are someone he still cares about, at very least — and with so many other nightmare breakups going on around us, hey, that’s something.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Is it true? Do guys inherently need to behave like imbeciles from time to time? I have been dating a guy for a month now; he’s 38, I am 25. The age difference is not the problem; he frequently attests to the fact that emotionally I am still light years ahead of him and, sadly, this is true. Regardless, we met through a mutual friend and have been dating steadily since. Daily phone calls, a few lunches and at least two movie/dinners a week plus weekends doing outdoorsy things together. Early dating bliss.

This weekend, however, he bought a new motorized water toy of some sort and took off with “the boys” for the weekend to test it out EVEN THOUGH he said he would call me and we would go out Saturday night. As I type, it is Sunday evening and I have not heard WORD ONE from him; he’d better hope he is lying in the hospital with a broken something or other or I am going to break it for him when I do hear from him.

Why on earth do they do this? I thought I was out of the red zone by dating a guy who was going through fraternity rush when I was in kindergarten, but apparently the problem is endemic and some men are simply resigned to the fact that they must take off from time to time like a pack of dogs chasing after cars they have no intention of driving.

Please advise.

— The Real McBeal

Dear RMB,

Eeaaaaasy, Ally. If he said he would call, then yeah, he probably should have called. BUT. Assuming he and his buds are not out there lipsynching to The Go-Go’s “Vacation” video, it is no more GUY behavior to take a weekend at sea with the boys than it is GIRL behavior to get all huffy about it. And to thus rush to judgment about men as a gender. And I do mean rush: it’s been a month. No time for his behavior to become a pattern. Or yours. Don’t let it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was introduced to this boy two weeks ago, and yes, he’s cute, and he’s very nice, but he already acts like he’s my one and only. He doesn’t know that I’m a notorious player (…but I don’t actually enjoy breaking guys’ hearts). I don’t know how to tell him that we don’t have a serious thing going on … I am afraid of how he’ll react. How do I tell him?

— Puzzled Player

Dear Puzzled,

On the one hand: if he’s the kind of person who gets all “one and only” after only two weeks, then his attachment to you is — in part — a matter of his personality, not of your playerhood.

On the other: the act of breaking it to him — which you should just do, gently — is not your main problem. You, Puzzled, do have a serious thing going on. It’s that you’re finding out that playing people isn’t all fun and games. I mean, let’s say you don’t like brussels sprouts. You don’t like them, you stop eating them. But if you don’t breaking hearts, then why don’t you just stop? Here’s why: there’s gotta be something in it for you. Are you afraid that you’re not likeable in a girlfriend kind of way? Are you looking for quick fixes to soothe loneliness? Do you have something to prove … like that you’re a “bad person?” I don’t have enough data to tell you exactly why myself, so you’re the one who’s got to play this one out in your head. Before the next boy, or the next, or the next, decides he’s the one and only.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently met this really hot guy. We hit it off right away, flirting left and right. He came over a few times, and we made out. He’s a few years older than me, so right off the bat I told him I am not going to have sex with him, and I’m not. He said okay, and we are still “proceeding” with the “relationship.” It seems that I always call him to come over, and he only calls when I tell him to. Is he just in it for one thing, to get as far as he can? He kinda has a reputation as being a player. Should I still proceed, knowing that he probably just wants one thing? Does he, or is he changing? I know he’ll never pressure me for sex, and he’ll respect my decisions about how far we go. What do we do? HELP!!!!!!!!

— Confused

Dear Confused,

If he were “changing,” he’d be calling you and taking you out on actual “dates.” Also, you wouldn’t be putting “quotes” around words like “relationship.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998.

A quickie from July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My new boyfriend says he is on the rebound from a woman he dated for three months (the majority of their relationship took place over the phone). Go figure. She is also 18 years older than he is. Anyway, rebound to me means get over it. I told him to call me when he figured things out. Is there hope or do I really care?

— Nagged in NY

Dear Nagged,

In this case, “rebound” to me means “Let’s sleep together when I feel like it.” Enough said.

Love,
Breakup Girl

No escape on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ready for some….humor? I divorced after five years last December. I went on my first date in 7 years 2 weeks ago – what a total, unmitigated disaster! Now I remember WHY it’s been 7 years, and will be 7 more. (I’d started thinking about this in the context of summer flings more than anything else.)

I got a call from a man I’ve known almost 10 years. We started out dating for a few months all those years ago, and he plain ole out-and-out dumped me. We played on the same softball team, and everyone knew before me. How fun was that? I got over it fairly quickly (hey, what choice do you have when you’re the pitcher & he’s the catcher…), about the same time he decided the cute but empty-headed bimbo (she was, truly) he’d fallen for was just that and wanted to come back. I said no, and we’ve been great friends ever since. We used to talk several time a month, then less and less, but it’s always been amazing that we can pick up exactly where we left off, no matter how long ago. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

(more…)

Smelling desperate on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

What do you do when you have been single for a long time (seven years), steadily dating the entire time, yet are begining to think that you have “REBOUND” tattooed on your forehead!!

That’s exactly how I feel. I can’t seem to attract anyone that’s semi-secure in who they are!! Just a bunch of boys looking for a mother to give them encouragement and pep-talks!!! I don’t think that I have the “stench of desperation,” as one of my friends once put it, but you can only say “it must be everyone else” so many times before you start to ask yourself “IS IT REALLY?”..

So I guess what I want to know is, How is it that now that everything else in my life is going so well and I now have the time and energy to invest into finding that someone special, that it seems I can only find guys that are messed up from previous relationships and seem to want ME to pay for their last girlfriends’ mistakes??

Help!! I refuse to think that its hopeless, but after probably eight guys in seven months (only two were sexual) I’m begining to wonder — ??

Please hurry!!

— Single and Not Willing to Give Up Hope

BG dishes out some hope after the jump!

Reunited, and if feels so good — FOR THEM — on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, I consider myself an intelligent girl. And I am not the type to kid myself over unattainable men. BUT, three years ago I was dating a man who I had been friends with for six years. He had just broken off an engagement, and I was well aware of his being on the rebound. I was newly divorced and not looking to get serious, so it seemed like a good situation for us both. I, however, fell in love . . .hard. And after six months, he left me to reunite with the ex. Well, I considered this a lesson learned: convenient mutual sexual attraction and broken hearts do not make a healthy foundation for a relationship. No more looking for a port in a storm for me. One year later I began seeing a man who I thought was a real possibility for a LTR. We were, I thought having a great time. And I still believe that I wasn’t kidding myself. He was the pursuer from the beginning. Six months into dating, and only one month after having become lovers (so, I can’t believe this was just sex for him to kill time during breakup recovery), he stands me up for a date. I was shocked. He called the next day and tells me he has been in love with his former girlfriend all this time, who he has not mentioned more than in passing in our six months of dating, I swear. Well, she had called him and wanted to talk. One thing led to another and they were reunited. Bye bye. Last month, I met a man, lots in common, great sense of humor, easy to talk to. We go out on our first date, and in the middle of dinner, he starts telling me about his ex. She had called him the previous week and he thinks they may be able to work things out. I feel like Charlie Brown trying to make a field goal! At least the wait is growing shorter with each round.

So my question is, am I completely deluded, or have I got some magical power for the reuniting of former lovers? Find myself a guide book on Reality and How to See It, or open my own business . . .

— Proprietor: Peaches and Herb Escort Service

BG’s discusses Rebound Conduct after the jump!

not feeling the shift-key on july 13, 1998…

NOTE: BG is way too tired to go in and put in uppercase letters where they should be in the following letter.

dear breakup girl,

okay, i am not dumped. i am not suffering from low self-esteem or anything like that, or more honestly, i am not suffering any more than anyone else i know. my problem has to do with an impending dumping. well, not dumping, but an impending end to a relationship. i need help here. i met this guy about a month ago, and he’s really wonderful. not extremely god-like, but he treats me well and he has a heart of gold. he makes me laugh. i have all of the classic signs of really falling for this guy, you know, not eating and getting all giggly and stuff when he’s around as well as an insatiable urge to buy cutesy teddy- bears and sexy lingerie. sounds pretty good huh? well it isn’t. i’m moving across the country in about a month. this is truly the first guy i am beginning to trust since my last relationship… a relationship where i was abused, then terrorized and finally stalked. i feel like i am ready to open up to a guy again, and he is definitely worth it, but the fact that i am leaving so soon makes it hard. am i just kidding myself? am i really not ready and just using my leaving as an excuse for not opening up? if i am i am doing a horrible job of it. subconciously and unconciously (i talk in my sleep) i have shown this guy more of who i am than anyone else in quite some time. the question is: am i still on the rebound of a psycho stalker, and if not, what the hell am i supposed to do?! i am a firm disbeliever in long distance relationships. i know i should have fun, but sometimes that’s easier said than done where the heart is concerned. leaving hangs above me like a dagger.

— the nightingale

bg’s capitals-free response after the jump!

Too much of a good thing on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

OK — I just ended a very emotionally straining relationship ( Rock On for me! ) and I have been trying to get my life back in order. So, to make this a short story, I know this guy — we are friends — he is fun, nice, good-looking….yada, yada, yada — anyway we slept together (first off, not my style — but we were SAFE, so why not ). Anyway, after I felt really weird — so we had “the talk.” The talk of: ” That was just what it was, nothing more. We can remain friends — but we are not going to be a couple. Plus I just got out of something very horrible and I am not looking. Are you cool with that??”

Anyway, he says Yes. I think the world is a grand place.

Now, he is buying me gifts and always hanging around my desk. Finding reasons to come over.

I mention that I like a certain look on a guy to other friends, and he does it. The man has totally dyed his hair, and made other changes. ( I was not saying anything to make him change, I was just saying…if I thought he was really listening I should have said “Antonio Banderas!!”)

And I know how that sounds — “Oh a great guy likes me and he is doing nice things for me…Poor me, Oh how horrible” — but my point is this, I know that he likes me more than I like him. I would never do anything to hurt him. (My ex led me on and I know how that feels, so I won’t repeat it.)

And yet at the same time — Don’t act like we are a couple. Trust me, he will make someone very happy, it just won’t ever be me !!!

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