It’s all about the timing on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

So, it’s like this: Dated Mr. Steady, perfectly compatible for 6 years, lived together for 4+. We went to the same college and grad school, had every intellectual impulse in common, shared values that gave us unspoken ease together — the secret language. There were some dark spots, unfortunately and they sank us: he went from being the most successful guy in the world to having career paralysis that lasted for two years leaving him still solvent but unhappy. Our sex life was never more than tepid and got even quieter every year, but I wrote it off — what the hell, he’s my best friend, I’ll deal. Yes, that meant I suppressed all kinds of wandering/head-turning thoughts and had a series of weird dreams about standing at the altar and wanting to run away. But, being a momentum type person, I started to say it’s time to make some decisions about marriage etc….lemme know by New Year’s, two years ago. Which came and left, leaving us in ashen horror that it was time for someone to break the stasis. I booted him; he went quietly. No loss of love, just this realization that maybe this wasn’t it.

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In Webster’s dictionary, “rebound” — as in “stocks rebounded quickly from Monday’s decline” — means recovery, the connotation being that you, or the Dow Jones Industrial Average, has already made a healthy comeback. But in Breakup Girl’s dictionary, as you no doubt know, “rebound” — as in “Steve rebounded quickly from Monday’s breakup” — is a means to that end (i.e. Steve has a date/hookup on, say, Tuesday). The rebound doesn’t mean you’re “over it;” it’s part of the process. In the face of loneliness, rejection, and free time, rebounds are your basic fix. They scratch the itch, make us feel wanted and noticed; they remind us that we’ve still got it going on. They are Chicken Soup for the Loins.

At least that’s the idea.

Now, Breakup Girl is not going to get all preachy about whether the act of rebounding is Good or Evil. That all depends. I would, however, like to point out that the context of relationships, the word “rebound” is most frequently used in sentences such as, “Well, it was supposed to be just a rebound, but…” or “S/he didn’t tell me s/he was on the rebound…!”

In other words: it’s just never that simple.

But that’s exactly what Breakup Girl is here for. A few essential points:

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn hears from Stressed Jess who’s getting back out there after a finally ditching a “stuck” relationship.

The only problem is that my town is a small conservative town where there aren’t a lot of options. I’ve tried the whole online dating thing, but some people are just too far away or some just seem to want a fling. … How do I get back into the dating world?

Read Lynn’s advice at Happen, then come back here and add your own suggestions below!

Trying to upgrade on July 27, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Thanks for being “all that” in the area of compassion, insight, humor, maturity and fun!

This question may be a little risque even for BG but i’m going to give it a shot because I got myself into one heck of a pickle and I need superhero insight right about now. Pleeese!

I met a guy one day who agreed to give me a ride home from work (my first day on the job) and he did. Now mind you, I at the time was just a few short months out of a 6 year marriage from hell and felt that I owed myself a little vacation from real life) and after a little conversation (very little) he and I eased quickly onto the topic of sex and went so far as to actually do it. No you didn’t miss anything, I had actually just met the guy (please don’t tell Breakup Mom. It’s was something had I been in a clearer, stronger more “myself” frame of mind I would never, ever have done), and BG it was so good that…well let’s just say I had no transportation problems for about a year after that. We started spending regular time together like at his place watching t.v. and me or him fixing us sandwiches and just normal things like that but other than a little conversation here and there about the ozone layer or something we didn’t really talk much and get to know each other. The whole time we were doing this I was realizing that if I had let nature takes its course with us in a normal working together situation that he and I could have had a very special platonic friendship.

A few months ago he broke it off with me when one of his relatives died (I had the floozie nerve to try to be there for him), a loss that he took incredibly hard and left me feeling like I’d lost: 1) a potentially good platonic friend, 2) the obvious loss of his company and 3) the loss of what “could have been” had I not just thrown it away on a one night stand that went into overtime.

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The Predicament of the Week from July 27, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a 20-year-old college student slated to live next year in the same campus housing as my current (21-year-old) boyfriend. “Mark” and I have been going out for 11 months, in what is my first serious relationship and his first relationship, period. I love him and know that he loves me dearly, but lately he’s been breaking my heart. Mark told me when I met him that he was a loner with a dark disposition and antisocial tendencies. Among his first words to me were, “I don’t have fun.” I started dating him anyway, and was pleasantly surprised when he turned out to be a funny, gentle, loving individual who shares several of my most important values. Neither one of us wants to have children, because we feel that passing on our genes would be a form of child abuse (sure, they’re great in adults, but kids like us get hell in school). We also take a strong stand against premarital sex, a position that most of our friends and acquaintances do not share, and something that we both worry about in regards to possible future partners. We both love nature, eating cheesecake, and good drama of any sort, and are addicted to computer games. We have younger siblings who we alternately despise and tolerate, and parents who we have tried not to emulate (completely, anyway) while growing up.

Other personality points proved problematic. He is easily depressed, looks for things to go wrong before they actually do, and has a tendency to put me in damned- if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don’t situations, where he won’t let me change my mind to avoid p*ssing him off with a decision I was going to make. But what is really giving me fits now is his absolute refusal to participate in anything social. We recently went to a banquet-type social function that I thought he wanted to attend. Mark spent the hours before the banquet agonizing about whether to go at all, which was partly the fault of a mutual friend who had invited a guest who we all knew would cause problems. Mark didn’t want to be around either of them, but since he’d already paid, and since he did want to be around me, he decided to go. Within the first five minutes, he was sulking in the corner because someone had cut in front of him in line to sign a guestbook that he really didn’t want to sign anyway. It took me ten minutes to persuade him to go inside and say hello to the friends that hadn’t p*ssed him off yet. He had chosen to stake out a seat at an empty table, which had since been filled by guests of the head honchos running the banquet, and when I said I’d be sitting at the table with the rest of our friends, he ran out the door. He came back when we started getting food and asked if he could sit at that table, and I moved some chairs for him to sit by me. Problem solved? Nope. Partway through dinner, something I said made him run out the door again. By then I was fed up and let him go. He came back after a long slide-show presentation and told me he was going home. I was almost too mad, both at him for ruining what was supposed to be an enjoyable evening with friends–for all of us–and at myself for thinking he’d be able to have fun there, to tell him good-night.

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Faking it on July 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This past weekend I went on a bike trip and met two other people, who, like me, were on the rebound. We ended up in a big discussion of the Ex-Files. I told them about my ex, and how we fixed up a couple who are getting married next year. I realize it’s a little early to flip out about this wedding, but I am already way nervous about it. Both people in the couple are really good friends of ours, and they have resolved or at least found a way to live with the issue we couldn’t deal with (religious differences). So it’s going to be scary.

My new-found friends semi-jokingly suggested that if I don’t have a date I really like by the time the wedding rolls around, I should appear on the arm of a tall, cute actor who can play the role of the kind of guy he would feel really overwhelmed next to (in this case, an academic with tenure and three published books would be great).

Question: is this good advice? I have already been joking that I may need a date, a hip flask, and possibly a straitjacket to survive this one (especially as I will probably be asked to do something during the ceremony, like read or sing). I am not in a big hurry to get involved with someone, so it is quite likely I will not be bringing my own date (someone of reasonable duration) to said wedding.

Would a fake date help?

— Reenie

Dear Reenie,

Nope. Bringing a fake date is way lamer than being The Diva Who Dared Come Alone. It is a “Coach” plot waiting to happen, without the nice clean wrap-up in 30 minutes.

Anyway, all of your “faking” energy will be channeled into holding your head high. But you — you, singular — can do it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

A cautionary tale from July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend of a year broke up with me about a month and a half ago, but I still love him very much. I can’t seem to get over him even though he’s been a real jerk to me. All my friends and family said I should break all ties with him, but I can’t. When he broke up with me he said that it was probably only temporary and that he just needed some space. Well, two weeks later he ended up seeing another girl (Jamie) and according to him he likes her a lot. When we broke up he told me he wasn’t going to see anybody because that’s what he wanted to get away from. I’m still trying everything I can to get him back. Right now things between us are really strange. We are only friends, but he kisses me and has sex with me. Recently I asked if he was still seeing her and he said no. Well, according to my x-bestfriend they still are. I believe her because lately he’s been cancelling on me a lot. Recently I did find out from my x-bestfriend that my x-boyfriend cancelled our date just to see Jamie. He also doesn’t want me to see guys. It’s like he wants to date other people but he wants to keep me for himself. I don’t know what to do, help.

— Sarah

BG sifts through the train wreckage after the jump

Into the Cheating Zone on July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I don’t think I can resist cheating on my boyfriend. Tell me what you think.

It’s a long distance thing; we’ve been together, yet apart, for over a year. But there’s someone else here who I’ve known longer and longed for since before I was with my bf. Soon I’m going to move across country to go to grad school. My bf is going to quit his job and move to the town the school is in. The plan has been for us to live together with a view towards marriage. He wanted to get engaged before we move in together, but last winter I told him the marriage idea wasn’t working for me, that I had qualms, based, mostly, on my feeling that he’s a grumpy poop far too often for me to be with forever (it had nothing to do with the other guy). Other times things are nice. So the plan is to try living together first. But now I don’t know if I should.

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Cold feet, warm mouse on July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

OK, BG. I’m taking the plunge. I’ve never done this before. I’m an advice lady virgin. But I’m so confused, I’m about to start eating with my elbows.

My boyfriend has as all the basics, the ones that matter. He’s kind, caring, giving, sensitive, mad about me. And he’s moving far, far away. He wants me to follow him. The living with him part sounds good and relaxing and safe to me, it feels like it would take the long distance pressure off us. Part of me really wants to give this relationship that chance. I’ve been toying seriously with the idea of following him.

Now, suddenly, I’ve started flirting with someone else, let’s call him Mike, via email. I know I’m flirting, although I did mention to Mike that I have a boyfriend. I have never met Mike. Repeat: Never met. This pathetic schoolgirl crush is entirely intellectual and virtual. But, at this point, I get more actual reality butterflies in my stomach from seeing this other person’s email address in my Inbox than from seeing my boyfriend show up on my doorstep. We’ve only been dating a year. I do love him. But shouldn’t we still be in the mooshy, if not butterfly, stage?

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The blind leading the blind date on July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Several years ago a close friend set me up with her boyfriend’s older brother. Since she’d asked me very recently after New Year’s Eve — and my resolution was to “be more adventurous” — I accepted. I went out with this guy for about one month, this includes four dates. I discovered that not only did we not just hit it off — but he has some serious psychological problems. (He’d tried to kill himself three months before we met — this story ended our fourth date). ( To make it worse, I later discovered that she knew all about his little history, and set me up with him anyway.)

I broke up with him ver-ry gently, telling him I just didn’t have time for a relationship. He then sent me letters, underwear, called my mother, my boss — this went on for about a year and a half.

Badly shaken, I told the story to other friends. A friend offered to set me up with a guy she knew and only liked as a friend. I went out on three dates with him and just got the feeling that he was, well — a little too rigid. Like once he picked me up and twirled me around in the air (I think he thought he was being romantic, but I weigh like 180 pounds and I was more nervous about falling from the sky like a lead balloon). When I complained, he refused to put me down. I don’t like a guy who doesn’t listen who you say no, and I took it as a bad sign for the future. I don’t know, I just didn’t feel comfortable around him. I broke up with him, again politely. He freaked out, screaming “Someone tell me what is wrong with me? Why do I get this from every girl?!” My next door neighbor had to remove him. He sat outside my house in his car for like an hour. I don’t know what he was doing, but he just sat there. Creepy.

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