Getting messy on November 30, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated a guy for a year. It began as an almost exaggeratedly casual “dating” situation, both of us trying to be too cool for words, but dammit, we got along REALLY well. So, stuff happened-couple stuff like going on vacation together, and talking twice a day (we are on opposite coasts), and showing up together at functions and what have you. This guy is cute and sexy and smart and a wee bit spoiled, and my read on him was always that he was very attached to me and maybe even a bit in love, but that he wasn’t gonna fess that up to ME anytime soon. And frankly, I’m pretty much the same way, a self-protective goon. So after about eight months of this deepening but unaddressed relationship (led on by him , thankyouverymuch), I find out he’s had a one-nighter with some Norwegian au pair. I inform him that I know very well that we don’t have a formalized commitment, so he was well within his rights to do that, but I don’t like it, and so sayonara. Well, natch, he freaks, informs me he’s crazy about me, says it’s the only time it happened (substantiated by my independent counsel investigation of various mutual friends), says he wants a commitment, and we are off to the races. It gets a tad more serious (i.e. I meet the family) and then two months later he drops the bomb. His ex (six year relationship, he failed to pull the trigger, she bailed and married someone else and now there are photos of her in all drawers of his house) is coming unglued from her marriage and has been calling a lot and he’s “confused” and doesn’t want to break up but wants to be “truthful” about his “mixed emotions” and intends to go hang out with the ex. So being a strong 90s girl I dump him and tell him to call me when he gets his sh*t together. It hurts like hell.

Six days later I meet the sweetest guy on the planet. This guy cooks dinner for me, gives foot massages and washes my car when I go out of town. I cannot imagine this guy playing head games or being deceitful. He’s brilliant and the sex is amazing and I start to learn all kinds of nifty stuff I can expect in a relationship, like respect, communication, expression of tender feelings.

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Undecided on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hey I have one important question. It is a really hard one at that! I have been with this guy Brian for a month now!! I love him a lot but my ex came back!! Me and my ex were best friends for three years and went out for six months!! He treated me really bad while we were going out!! But he came back and says he still loves me and wants me back!! Now I am torn between my first love and my new love! It is really killing me! Please help me!! I love Brian but me and Scott went through a lot! I am afraid I still have feelings for him!! But Brian is so respectful and really cares!! I don’t really know if Scott does!! Please don’t tell me to follow my heart, I need better advice!! THANK YOU!!

— Brooke

Dear Brooke,

Okay, follow your brain.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Hint: reread your letter.
P.P.S. Hint: BRIAN.

Undecided on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a predicament! For the past 8 months I have been living with my boyfriend and things have been going fine! Except, I have a little crush on someone else. The guy, Chris, and I have been friends for about a year now, except that when we used to hang out we would flirt and I would imagine what it was like to kiss him… harmless stuff…we never DID anything. Oh yeah did I mention that he had a girlfriend… a long distance one, and I was on safe ground in my own mind with this invisi-barrier of girlfriend vibes around him! That is, until a few days ago. THEY BROKE UP!

Now I am afraid to hang out with him because I am scared that we will hook up cause of that tension that has been building for so long! I don’t want to lose my friend. AND to get back to the boyfriend part, I don’t want to lose him either. But I am so incredibly attracted to this other guy… am I kidding myself about having my boyfriend and drop it all and go with my crush (which may cause for a bizarre living situation!) I am so torn… (sigh). Please help!!

— K

BG’s answer after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating Danielle for about two months now, and I have grown very attached to her. The problem that I have started after our 4th date… She told me that she is in an open relationship with David (who told her back at Christmas time after a year and a half that he wanted to see other people, and wanted her to do the same. Shortly after we started dating David decided that he wanted Danielle back, and she told me about this, and that she wanted to continue the relationship with him TOO. At this point I took two days to decide if I want to get into this situation; the reason that I decided to continue is that Danielle interested me like no other woman that I have ever dated before.

In the last two months I have met several of her friends (who all agree that he should ditch him for me) with whom I get along great; in fact her friend Kristy apologized to me for ever getting the two of them together two years ago. Danielle currently complains that all the two of them do is argue.

Today I find out that, yesterday when she was at his house talking to him, he told her to pick between him and me, and she said “Chris” (me) and he told her to get out of his house, she was apparently ready to walk out the door, when she decided to continue talking with him.

A friend of Danielle’s has been telling me that I should ask Danielle to choose! The main reason that I haven’t done this is because I don’t want Danielle to say “I choose David.” I’d be crushed; on the other hand, if she chose me, I wouldn’t have to continue biting my lip every time his name is mentioned.

I was currently planning on telling Danielle something like “this open relationship between David and me is not working out for me, I don’t want to continue sharing your attention with him; I just don’t feel that we can continue a healthy relationship under these circumstances.”

Any advice? I just don’t know what to do.

— Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught,

Yes, you do.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998.

Into the Cheating Zone on July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I don’t think I can resist cheating on my boyfriend. Tell me what you think.

It’s a long distance thing; we’ve been together, yet apart, for over a year. But there’s someone else here who I’ve known longer and longed for since before I was with my bf. Soon I’m going to move across country to go to grad school. My bf is going to quit his job and move to the town the school is in. The plan has been for us to live together with a view towards marriage. He wanted to get engaged before we move in together, but last winter I told him the marriage idea wasn’t working for me, that I had qualms, based, mostly, on my feeling that he’s a grumpy poop far too often for me to be with forever (it had nothing to do with the other guy). Other times things are nice. So the plan is to try living together first. But now I don’t know if I should.

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Cold feet, warm mouse on July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

OK, BG. I’m taking the plunge. I’ve never done this before. I’m an advice lady virgin. But I’m so confused, I’m about to start eating with my elbows.

My boyfriend has as all the basics, the ones that matter. He’s kind, caring, giving, sensitive, mad about me. And he’s moving far, far away. He wants me to follow him. The living with him part sounds good and relaxing and safe to me, it feels like it would take the long distance pressure off us. Part of me really wants to give this relationship that chance. I’ve been toying seriously with the idea of following him.

Now, suddenly, I’ve started flirting with someone else, let’s call him Mike, via email. I know I’m flirting, although I did mention to Mike that I have a boyfriend. I have never met Mike. Repeat: Never met. This pathetic schoolgirl crush is entirely intellectual and virtual. But, at this point, I get more actual reality butterflies in my stomach from seeing this other person’s email address in my Inbox than from seeing my boyfriend show up on my doorstep. We’ve only been dating a year. I do love him. But shouldn’t we still be in the mooshy, if not butterfly, stage?

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Home and away on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am in a confusing and slightly depressing situation. Two weeks ago I went to Mexico with part of my Spanish class. We were paired up with a group of kids from Nebraska (we’re from Oklahoma). So I started talking to and became friends with this guy from the Nebraska group. One night when we were on this island off of Cancun the group went to a discotheque by our hotel. The guy (we’ll call him George) and I got bored so we left (a lot of people had already left) We walked around the beach for about half and hour and then sat down on this ledge overlooking the ocean and held hands with his arm around me talking for an hour. Then we had to go back to our respective rooms (12 p.m. curfew). The next day everyone was sure that we would formally hook up and I was sure that he would kiss me. But then he got in a motorcycle accident and had to be flown to Cancun and I never got to see him again or say goodbye or anything. So I went home and discovered that the guy who I have had a crush on for like nine months is still just as attractive and interesting and amazing as he was when I left. I see him almost every day because we are both in karate and are training for nationals together. I’m had over heels for this guy but I feel guilty for flirting with him because I’m not sure where George and I stand. I haven’t been able to get in touch with him. I don’t even know how the other guy feels about me but I’m too afraid of losing his friendship to tell him how I feel about him. My general motto is Carpe Diem but somehow in this situation I just can’t seem to follow my own advice. Why can’t my life be as simple as Sandy and Danny make life seem?

— Confused Over Summer Lovin’

BG sorts it out after the jump!

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you’ll find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn comes to the rescue of Waiting Gamer, who feels a strong connection with a gal that already has a man — yet still encourages him. Should he stay on the sidelines patiently or quit the game? Check out the letter, then tell us your thoughts.

Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, the advice column penned by BG’s alter ego at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). This week, we meet Torn-Up Tanya, who presents us with still another age-old dilemma: “Steve — or Mark?”

Steve: Emotionally abusive but penitent and up-for-counseling ex. Wants her back.

Mark: “Sweet,” “awesome” new guy she met, sorta by mistake, very soon after the breakup.

Whom should Tanya choose? (Hint: Maybe … Ed?) See what Lynn has to say, and then come back here to comment!