Still waiting on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with my fiance for over eight years. We have been living together for about five years in a jointly purchased house. The problem seems to be that we have been engaged for over five years now, and we still don’t have a wedding date. We have discussed this on numerous occasions throughout the years, but we still remain engaged without a “date” to wed. He says that he has been ready to marry me since he asked. He says that I am the one dragging my feet. I have told him recently that I am ready now, but this topic always seems to stay the same…dateless. I know that he loves me, and there is no doubt in my mind about spending the rest of my life with him. I am beginning to wonder if I should give him an ultimatum at this point, or should I just move on???

— Constant Confusion

You don’t have to wait for BG’s answer, just click here.

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn advises Second Best who seems to be the first woman that boys date after they’ve been dumped:

The past three men I’ve dated have all, unbeknownst to me, been on the rebound. The first one broke my heart, and I ran as fast as I could from the next two after the rebound signs showed up early.

Now that a fourth guy is following the same pattern, should she try again, or should Second Best be the first to jump ship? Read the full letter and Lynn’s response at Happen, then add your own thoughts below!

A long one from June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met my fiance two years ago on the internet. I was sort of involved/on my way out of the relationship door when I met him and I explained that I would need some time to get over bad boyfriend before trying to date, have a relationship, etc. This worked fairly well since we lived across the country from one another anyway.

As my bad breakup wounds healed, my fiance and I became more involved (we were already more than friends despite my best intentions to keep it buddy/buddy only during the healing process). Oops. We became a couple, and later in the year, we started talking marriage. I felt it was too soon and bailed on the idea — Ye Olde Romantic Boy decided to go forward anyway and surprised me with the ring after Christmas. I said “yes” despite not being 100% sure, though my confidence that it was the right decision grew daily. We started living together over a year ago, and much to the surprise of my solo-time-lovin’ self, we make great roommates.

My fiance is unlike anyone I have ever dated. I am used to angsty, arty, intense boys. My fiance is mellow and sweet and stable. And extremely marriage and family oriented. The only thing that really gets his occasionally self-righteous knickers in a twist is his raging jealousy. Because he is so different from anyone else I have ever dated or been interested in, my love for him came as kind of a shock to me. And as I fell happier, healthier and more optimistic than I have in other relationships, the difference between my fiance and others I have dated sometimes disturbs me. I really love him — I am just wondering if it’s enough. Sometimes it feels like being rich and depressed at the same time — “Oh, filet mignon again? Sigh.”

(more…)

Going with the flow on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How would you advise someone who simply would sacrifice his own happiness for that of another? I am about to enter into a long and rather binding committment to a beautiful, loving, wonderful woman. Problem is, I’m not certain if this relationship is exactly what I want…but it certainly is what she desires.

I cannot stand the thought of ever causing this woman pain, and as a result, will likely end up sooner or later in this committment.

Any advice?

Signed,
Wishing I Could Be Less Wishy Washy

Important Breakup Girl Maxim after the jump!

Breaking bad habits on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I live together in bliss. We are wonderful together and we’re both very happy. He makes me feel (your words) like the “fresh and tasty thing I am,” and we are really good at working lil’ problems out when they pop up. He’s brought up marriage. Okay, I’m getting to the problem now. He has dangerously bad habits. He smokes. He puts sugar on pie. He goes through salt, like, I don’t know what goes through a lot of salt, but you know what I’m saying. I cook for him, he doesn’t eat it. He is 50 pounds overweight. I have NEVER seen him eat a vegetable. I talk to him about my concern often. He claims that he would rather die young than live a long life of boiled tofu and squash. I can’t make him see an in between. Okay, my final point: I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, and I don’t want to be a widow at 40. I’ve heard you can’t change a person, but you can change their behavior. Is this a behavior problem, or a deeply ingrained personality flaw?

— Worry Wart

BG’s advice after the jump!

It’s wedding season! But from the letters it sounds like most of you are planning a destination wedding — on the fence. That is, when faced with the marriage question, you say:

I Do…Or Do I?

And in general, Breakup Girl’s totally unsatisfying answer is: that depends. I mean, even a severe case of the jitters does not a jilter make. Of course the idea of a wedding gives you the willies. The prospect of that major a commitment is bound to trip some major wires. Marriage is, for all intents, purposes, and people who are not Anna Nicole Smith, is forever. And that’s a mighty long time. In other words, YIKES.

But there are doubts, and there are doubts. Sometimes you consider popping the question because you can’t think of what else to do. But the truth is, you’re not so sure. And now the stakes are higher in all ways: you all think a garden variety breakup is hard, try breaking off an [near-] engagement. And then you wonder: are these just cold feet, or boots that should be walking? Or some overlapping, vicious-circling, crazy-making combination of the two? And then you sink into the Second-Guessing My Feelings Spiral. And then you are such hell to live with that your squeeze kicks you out. Which doesn’t help, because that, if anything, will make you Sure. Also, Single.

So how the hell do you “know?”

Or, as Waffle so aptly wrote:

Dear Breakup Girl,

When contemplating marriage to your girlfriend of several years, how do you tell the difference between cold feet, fear of commitment, and “she’s just not the one for me?”

Let me answer that with a little anecdote. (more…)

A happy ending from July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl

My letter was published in your “Prom” series. I don’t really have a question, just an update! As of last week, I am back together with Brendan! It seems that he had not really moved on, but was really just confused and needed some time…that girl he was seeing was, in his words, a “huge mistake.” I just thought I would share this with other Breakup Girl readers to prove that love CAN happen the second time around AND be two times better! Thanks for listening Breakup Girl, a nand don’t worry, just because I am no longer a “breakup girl” doesn’t mean I will not be visiting your site, because I will! IT is the the best!

— Jolene

Dear Jolene,

Who-hoooo!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Reestablishing contact on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First off I love your page. It’s been a great help to me. Well, I broke up with my boyfriend in March (right after spring break). We really haven’t talked since then and I miss our friendship. Well his birthday is coming up in July and I don’t know if I should tell him Happy Birthday. Do I call him or do I send him a birthday card in the mail or do I even do anything at all? Would it be inappropiate for me to even do this at all? Will his family think less of me if I do or don’t? Please help me make my decision by the middle of July. What do I do?

— Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Actually, sending a birthday card sounds like a perfect way to make a small but nice move toward reconnecting platonically. I wouldn’t call, because if you haven’t talked at all, it might put him on the spot, and you don’t want to hang up the phone with an awkward echo in your ear.

About the card, though: don’t expect a response. I’m not saying he won’t give you one; I’m just saying don’t expect one. Or, to put it another way, don’t make the “success” of your venture contingent upon whether or not he calls you the minute he gets it to thank you for the card and lock of hair. You send it, it’s a nice thing to do, end of story. Oh, and forget about what his parents think, either way; God forbid they should be reading his mail or tallying his birthday correspondence. Finally, when you select the card, keep it simple and pleasant — do not make it MEAN anything — by following these basic guidelines: (1) no 2-layer cards with raised script and inspirational poetry, (2) no crass jokes, and (3) no Ziggy.

Love,
Breakup Girl

The “looks” theme generated quite a few responses, including one from an earnest Swedish boy — “Are Americans that obsessed with looks?”– who somehow thought that all my columns, every week, and all my letters, were all about this theme. I took a moment away from “House of Style” to gently set him straight.

Next, here’s a pic of the Bride of Wildenstein (thanks, Kathleen and Linda). Breakup Girl is unable to write a joke about it at this time because she is hiding under her chair.

And speaking of plastic surgery, remember Mole Boy (as in, one of last week’s letter writers, not as in, “Mulder, do you mean to tell me that this young man with no eyes has learned to survive by burrowing underground and eating only insects?”)? He evidently felt some sort of cosmic/cosmetological link to Sunkissed, the young woman wondering if a face lift would boost her prospects with boys, and here is what he wrote about it. Everyone who’s ever wondered “what’s missing?” (from your face, your weekend, your soul) should read carefully; everyone else (like, both of you), should enjoy the lovely ride.

Dear Breakup Girl,

It’s Writer Boy / Nothing Like The Sun again. We can stick with Writer Boy. [This repeat-writer is a man of many aliases. — BG] I was so pleased that you did several questions on the looks issue. I actually was a little worried about asking the mole question because I knew it raised some serious self-image issues, but the answer in one case is not necessarily the same in another. A haircut that makes you feel fabulous is a healthy self-image adjustment, but not so much for massive plastic surgery in most cases. Anyway, seeing everything in a larger context was very cool.

Oddly enough, I was more struck by Sunkissed’s issue than your admittedly spot-on advice about my own (If you had advised the other way, I guess it would have been “spot-off”, hehe.) Suddenly I remembered what it was like to be me at 15 and discovered that in the past decade I’ve already made the most important self-adjustment I could make–transforming from shy, neurotic Antisocial Boy into Very-Much-OK-With-Himself Boy. [More aliases! — BG]

So, I have a shout-out snippet of advice of my own, for Sunkissed (and anyone else who’s recently been Dumped or Slumped for that matter). Dancing is my personal prescription panacea for relationship woes.) I’m cribbing a little from your notes to her, but consider my plagiarism a mildly devious form of flattery.

Dear Sunkissed,

Take heart. At 15, you have had more boyfriends than I had had girlfriends by age 21. In fact, Writer Boy remained un-kissed until he had notched off two decades on his belt and just begun his third. But that same Writer Boy is now mostly happy, well-adjusted, and can find no bigger relationship problem in his life than a silly mole (which I am pleased to say I am keeping!).

(more…)

A low point from June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I moved 2000 miles to live with “the love of my life.” Once I got there, he broke up with me. I was stranded, broke, and alone. It was hell. I am now back home with my parents, trying to move on. But I am haunted by questions of “why” and “how.” Last night, I talked to him, and the same subject came up as to why I’m “not his type” — not attractive enough, not thin enough. I accept the relationship is over, but now I have the leftover feeling that I was dumped because I’m unattractive. I’m now terrified of meeting anyone, because I fear it will just happen again. And now my self-esteem is zilch, since I see myself as fat and unappealing. (Especially since I have gained about 15 pounds since the breakup, and I just took my exam to be a registered dietician! I feel like such a failure.) How do I go on and repair this damage? Will I forever hear him in my head saying that I am unattractive and not thin enough? I feel like our whole society is obsessed with looks. On TV, on the radio, and in my relationships, that’s all I see. It just makes me want to hide away forever. Please, can you help me see things differently?

— Crushed

BG responds after the jump!