Ask Lynn, Breakup Girl’s alter ego’s advice column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com), is now being updated monthly rather than weekly, so now you’ll get two new letters each month, starting with…

1. Do I Have To Lose Him, Too? has become close with the boyfriend of her friend who died of cancer. Now that its turning romantic, she worries what others will think…

Early cyber-cheating, circa February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a problem with my husband. He was spending 10 to 14 hours a day on the computer, talking in chat rooms to other women. They sent him pictures. One day, I found him having cyber-sex. It was bad enough that he was spending so much time in chat rooms, ignoring me, and his son, but then to find out he was doing this really hurt me. I found out the name of the person that he had cyber sex with, and told her how I felt. She yelled at my husband. Then he had the nerve to tell me to apologize to her! That really hurt! Why should I owe anyone an apology? I was the one who was hurt, and just stated my feelings. He says I am too jealous. I’m not thinking that he would ever run off with this person, but it just hurts that he spent so much time typing to her, and other women, for so many hours every day, and ignored me and his son. What do you think?

— Leah

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Open to interpretation on February 16, 1998..

Dear Breakup Girl,

Help! My boyfriend and I live two hours away from each other, and we see each other about three months total out of the year. Of course, he calls me once a week and we talk for two hours, but that’s not what I’m asking about. I know you’re not a dream interpreter, but I’ve been having these dreams in which the long and short of them is that I can’t find him or that I never get to see him. A friend, Miriam, told me that it means that we weren’t meant for each other. Another friend, Stephanie, told me that it meant that I needed to spend more time with him. Please tell me: who’s right??? Stephanie, the optimist, or Miriam the pessimist? Help!

— Rachel

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He’s probably single, ladies … February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating a girl for two and a half years now. We are unofficially engaged, I guess. I bought her a small diamond ring last year as a gift and she like to tell people it is an engagement ring. We have been living together for about five months now. I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to marry, much less be with her anymore. But due to the lease, I am not sure on how to go about breaking up with her? Any suggestions?

— Torn

 
Dear Torn,

You do realize that the lease is the least of your worries. Couples don’t consult each other about the best time for a breakup, much less their landlords. (Though Breakup Girl’s landlord does threaten to reclaim her apartment if he and his wife ever split up. But that’s another story for another day.)

Anyway, that ring’s the thing I’m worried about. Guys, even in this funky day and age, where women propose and men take their wives’ names, you just don’t just give your girlfriend a “small diamond ring” and think to yourself, “Well, she knows it’s not THAT kind of ring!” You just don’t. So if you want to break up with her, you need to break up with her the way anyone does. Gently, firmly, clearly. I don’t want you — either of you — writing back to me saying, “We are unofficially broken up, I guess.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

Madonna? Whore? It’s not so complex on February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been celibate for six years. Why? The one-night stands got old a long time ago (I’ve been sexually active since age 16), and the chance of AIDS is simply too great to risk my life on a piece of plastic. My buddies ask me, “Why don’t you just get a girlfriend? At least you’d get laid.” However, I can’t justify dating someone solely for the purpose of having sex — it would be an empty relationship at best, and ultimately doomed to failure.

Also, most all of the women I meet nowadays, in my age group (late twenties), quite often have morals lower than the average college jock. I simply can’t imagine that type of woman one day becoming the “mother of my children.” My friends tell me my standards are too high, and that I’ll never find anyone who will “fit the bill.”

Should I lower my standards? Am I being unrealistic? Is wanting a reasonably attractive and intelligent woman, with morals, a sense of humor, and not of baggage too much to ask these days? Right now, my focus is on developing my future so that if/when I meet “Miss Right,” I’ll be financially prepared to provide a comfortable life for ourselves and our children. In the meantime, it’s difficult not having anyone with whom to share things. It can become quite lonely at times. I’ll admit, my standards are high. I may expect a lot, but it’s only because I have just as much to offer. What’s your opinion?

— Hopeful

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Getting it together on February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been dating my neighbor for two months now. We were both in pretty bad situations to have started a serious relationship. I just moved to the area, know no one, and have a stressful job. His mother recently passed away, and he is dealing with other issues as well. I became completely dependent on him and lost all sense of myself. We have acknowledged my neediness, and have attempted to work through our obstacles, because we truly do share something special. I realize that I am in love with him, but problem is we just broke up this past weekend because I flipped out on him (again). We decided to talk things over in a week. I really want him back, and have taken steps to become more dependent on myself. I know now that I don’t need him to survive — I have a lot going for me on my own. I want us to have the loving, caring relationship we started out with, and that both of us deserve. I’ve always been a strong, stable person, but the slew of changes I’ve faced over the past months have exhibited themselves in some truly loathsome behavior and childish antics. I am embarrassed and ready to start anew. Help. How do I prove this to him?

Sincerely,
Sane, Sober and Secure

Dear Sane,

Say: “I really want you back, and have taken steps to become more dependent on myself. I know now that I don’t need you to survive — I have a lot going for me on my own. I want us to have the loving, caring relationship we started out with, and that both of us deserve. I’ve always been a strong, stable person, but the slew of changes I’ve faced over the past months have exhibited themselves in some truly loathsome behavior and childish antics. I am embarrassed and ready to start anew.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

Going balmy on February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated this guy over the summer and fell in love with him. He was real nice, sweet, and caring and I didn’t think I would lose him, but I did. Ever since then I’ve felt empty and just use guys as some kind of toy to play with. I know I’ve hurt a couple of people and I feel bad about it, but I can’t help it. I still love that guy but I don’t know if he still likes me, should I keep chasing him or should I stop. And how do I quit treating guys like a toy to play with?

— Samantha

Dear Samantha,

If there were such a thing as Breakup Girl Laboratories, they would be hard at work on the Boyfriend Patch. Available in fashion colors and Hello, Kitty designs, the Patch would, in the absence of an actual or particular pined-after boyfriend, provide the fix-of-the-quickie that we so often crave.

In the meantime, though, I will tell you that toy-boys are much like Carmex lip balm and the alleged conspiracy behind it. The idea being that your lips are chapped, you apply Carmex, they feel better momentarily… but… “Mulder, are you suggesting that Carmex itself actually makes your lips feel chapped again.?

You see where Breakup Girl is going with this. You feel empty, you mess around, you feel better momentarily … but … the fling itself actually makes you feel emptier. It serves not as a statsfying replacement for your summer Mulder, but as an acute reminder that you don’t have him.

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No one’s laughing on February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met this guy in my home town through a radio dating service. The quintessential blind date, but wait, here’s a bonus: he’s adorable, has his own business, has no children, no ex-wives, no psychological problems to speak of but … he has zero sense of humor. He is about as dry as a piece of wheat toast. I think I intimidate him because I got about an inch over him in the height department. And I have a strong personality. Okay, here comes the problem: I blew him off a couple of months ago because it was too difficult being witty all by myself. But get this: I get a call asking how I’ve been and all that — and that now he knows it’s me he wants to be with. And that he has had this soul-searching revelation, and he doesn’t want to grow old alone, blah, blah, blah. But he still hasn’t acquired any personality traits that I can see. What should I do? I mean he is terribly sweet, and a kind person, but just as dull as a board. Am I a shallow person? I mean the usual dregs that I fall for have me grabbing my side with hysterical laughter — and later clutching my heart trying to keep it from falling to pieces because they have dogged me out. Help me please — all my girlfriends think I’m crazy, and that I should lock him up and keep him to myself. What do you think? Am I crazy?

— Crazy in Camden

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Zen and the art of cheating, February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am currently single after three and a half long years (and proud of it dammit:). Well, I have a long time friend of ten years who just got married and has a newborn child. After flirting for all this time, we finally did the deed and slept together. It was so good that we just can’t seem to stop. My question is, should I be the mature one and say “hello! You’re married?” or should I just go eith the flow, I mean, I’m not the one cheating! Or am I?

— Friendly Luva

 
Dear Friendly,

“I’m not the one cheating!” Nice try, Luva. The “sound” of “one person cheating” is a concept far too Zen for Breakup Girl. If you’re so “friendly,” do no more deeds. Instead, help the new mom find someone to talk to about post-partum blues.

Love,
Breakup Girl

The Predicament of the Week from February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met this guy a week ago on the elevator. He gave me his business card. I know from experience that today when a guy gives you his business card, this is actually a way of showing interest in you. So I waited a day and gave him a call under the pretense that I needed his service. Sure enough, he told me that he gave me his business card because when he saw me he was interested and this was a way to continue contact with him.

In any case, he suggested that we get together for lunch some time. When I talked to him on the phone he told me he had his own business and that he had diabetes (which I had reservations about). He suggested that we could have dinner either at his place or mine. (I never invite a guy I just met over to my place and I was sure not going over to his!) Or, he said “we could go out for dinner and then a movie.” So I said great, we’ll do a movie and dinner or vice versa.

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