Confused on November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

OK, let me put this in chronological order. I’ve had a few pretty rotten relationships in my past that lasted about 4-5 years. They were basically filling in for my absent father and were pretty lousy all the way around. Then I grew up and got more particular and thought I was bonding to a better type of man. I met my S2BX when I first started grad school six years ago. I should have gone with my first impression, which was that he was an emotional leech that would just put me through an emotional ringer. But after I met him and looked into his eyes I was hooked. I did the whole “get hot and flushed” thing whenever he walked into the room. Anyway, I can accept now that we were really more or less using each other and that it would never last, and that was OK, but at the time I was sure he was my soul mate.

However, the way he chose to end it was very painful. I think it was pretty unnecessary for him to use expressions like “If I’d known who you really were I never would have married you,” and “Maybe it’s just your fate to be second best.” You see, when he went back home for a visit which I hoped would save our marriage he ended up having some bodacious fling with an old flame. Which he finally told me about 3 months later, just when I thought things were finally going to go well, and he admitted to it right in the middle of sex. Go figure. Now I realize that he said those hurtful things primarily for his own sense of closure, so that it would have to end, but he really devastated me and my self image that way.

Anyway, the real problem is this. After a few months of suicidal thoughts every single day I decided to give myself something to look forward to, to try out life again before I totally gave up. I went and visited friends again, I started writing stories again, and I decided to try dating. My S2BX and I had been completely separated for six months, and basically separating for at least 9 months. Soooo, just for fun I started looking at internet personal adds. I live in a small town and finding acceptable dates has been…um…interesting. For a few weeks it was fun, just looking around and seeing what guys said about themselves. Then I found one that didn’t make me laugh. So I wrote to him.

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Popularity contested on November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My problem isn’t as devastating as it could be, but its a huge deal for me.. Maybe you could give me some tips. This really isn’t to brag, but I’m considered one of the “popular girls” in my high school. What I don’t understand is why it’s so hard to find a boyfriend. No one asks me out, though I talk to a lot of guys. I’m in so many clubs, sports teams, etc. to meet people, but it just seems like all the guys would rather be friends, though they’ve never stated it, but WHY?! Before HS, I’d always thought the popular people always had boyfriends and girlfriends…and most of my friends do…even the dorks are paired up. So why not me? What can I do to show guys that I am interested?

— Dateless & Lonely Lizzy

Dear Lizzy,

The “popularity” thing reminds me of one of my favorite letters of all BG time: “Dear Breakup Girl, I’m not the most popular girl in my grade,” she began.”I’m the 5th most popular girl in my grade. And 8th in my school.” (What percentile?)

But did everyone get the big message in Miss Lizz’s letter? POPULARITY IS NOT THE ANSWER. In fact, in this case, it may be part of the problem. I wonder — and I am NOT sure about this — if maybe the boys think that you are out of their league. That you’re never just chillin, where someone can just chat with you. That Julie McCoy herself doesn’t even have time for a little shuffleboard. I am not saying that you should quit being active and doing the stuff you love. And I would never want to perpetuate a world where boys are subdued around busy, badass babes. But I wonder if you’re working the But I Am Popular! angle a bit too hard (your slightly center-stagey email handle, which I will of course not reveal, tipped me off, too). That’s the way to get a trophy arm candy boyfriend, or none at all. So between practices and rehearsals and meetings, try just kickin’ it a little more. Or asking someone out. Betcha he’ll be surprised you have the time. And the interest.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Looking for help on November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First of all, I LOVE your column and read it all the time. Your advice is really sensible and that’s why I’m writing — I’m hoping you might be able to help me with this. You see, I see the problem, but the solution is far from sight.

I’m 22, a virgin, had a total of 2 boyfriends (one Internet one I never met) and have a real problem getting boyfriends. OK — or anyone (I believe myself to be Bi — but since I’ve never been with anyone — I’m not sure if you can count that). I finished college, have my BA in English, am not completely unattractive, have terrible self-esteem and about 20 years of mental and emotional abuse from my father, whose house I am still living in until I save enough to get my own place. No — I have not gotten therapy for this yet — I can’t afford it and I OBVIOUSLY can’t get my father to pay for it. My mom won’t pay for it either — and she’s perfectly aware of why I need it too. (I do have a job that pays well, but I still can’t afford an apartment, much less anything big like therapy.)

I know I need to get out of my house and meet friends and people off the net, but the opportunities never seem to come up. It’s only recently that my brother taught me to recognize when other men are really flirting at me, and only recently that I realized that I am possibly attractive to other people. I used to believe that I just needed a boyfriend so bad just to have some love in my life. I still kind of half believe it. My sense tells me that I have to give that kind of love to myself before I can expect anyone else to give it. It’s harder than it sounds and I am trying to work on it. It’s hard when I’ve spent so many years hating myself for being lazy, slow, fat, unmotivated and all the other things my father spent years telling me that I am.

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Not working on November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

You’ve got the best site on the ‘net and I’ve been sending your address to all my friends. You’re now a “must read” for me and the gang!

Anyway, I’m in my late thirties and have a serious case of the hots for my single, late forties boss. In today’s politically correct world, how can I let him know I’m interested without getting fired for sexual harassment?

I’d appreciate any advice you can give.

— Sassy F&S

Dear Sassy,

Who-hoo! About the “must-read” thing — thanks! — not about the boss.

Listen, Sassy, which is the key word here, “serious,” or “hots?” As far as I’m concerned, it’s not “case,” as in, “of harassment.” Why are people having such a difficult time with this?

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Clearing the zone on November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend loves hockey. I think he might actually love it more than he loves me. Just this weekend we were having an intimate moment and then hockey came on and he blew me off. Should I end our relationship because I feel that he has no time for me during hockey season?

— Kathy

Dear Kathy,

There’s a hockey strategy called “dump and change.” That he’ll hear you say.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS Caveat: Is he really, totally, fully blowing you off, or do you think he just ducks behind the Zamboni when he gets all shy about “intimacy” and stuff? You guys should have separate hobbies and interests, you know. Just, yeah, make sure that you are a major interest when the game’s not on.

Frustrated on November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 33 and like a schmuck I’ve been dating a 31 year old man where I work for going on three months now. Things seemed to be going pretty darn good between us on every level, except the romance and sex level. “T” seems to have a problem “maintaining a woody.” Because we got along SO well in every other way, I didn’t want to just dump him. I was hoping this would work itself out. Maybe it was the newness of the relationship. Maybe he had been burned in the previous one, whatever. Well, it hasn’t gotten better. It’s to the point where I don’t think he wants to even initiate anything with me because he knows that it will be disappointing.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, BG, and I came to the conclusion that if I was a guy with this problem, I would be the first in line at a urologist’s office trying to find out what the hell was wrong with me. I would be at a shrink’s office delving into the dark recesses of my psyche to try and figure this out. I would be sooooo bummed about this, that I would be doing everything in my power to fix it. In the meantime, if my “plumbing” wasn’t working great, and I had met this woman that I professed to be crazy about, I would do everything else possible to keep her satisfied. You know what I mean?

But nooooo. He doesn’t do anything. He would rather find a way to avoid having to have any kind of sexual contact with me at all. In the three months that we’ve been together, we’ve had maybe eight sexual encounters. I’m sorry, but in every other new relationship I’ve had, that occurs in the first week!

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Under the influence on November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I haven’t had a boyfriend for 2 years ( I’m 16). Lately I have just been frustrated because every guy in high school seems to be so immature. And, I had pretty much given up on guys. Then this year at school I start talking to this one guy, he doesn’t come to my school but plays on the soccer team– and I’m on the volleyball team. We started talking, on the way to games, tournaments, etc. Anyway, a couple weeks ago I hear he likes me. And I realized a few days ago that I like him more than a friend also. He is such an awesome guy and he’s not stupid and immature like the other guys, he is 18. What I’m wondering is — am I just liking him because he likes me and I haven’t had a boyfriend for a while, or do I really like him? I’m so confused. Plus, I just don’t know about relationships, it seems like a waste of time because we are just gona go out, and either I will break up and hurt him, or he will break up w/me and I will be hurt. This is my problem I analyze every little thing and convince myself that there is no way I might actually just have fun in the relationship, I never see the good side. Please write back and help me, I am in serious need of some advice!!!

–Nicole

Dear Nicole,

There’s an expression called “beer goggles” that I will explain to you in the perhaps vain hope that sixteen-year-olds are unfamiliar with it. It’s about the non-wholesome notion that, well, anyone looks attractive after the checker-outer has had a few brewskis. But there’s also a much more wholesome corollary: Attention Goggles. Someone starts mackin’ on you, that boyski buzz kicks in, and all of a sudden you’re like, “I NEVER REALIZED WHAT AN INTERESTING PERSON HE IS.” Which is not to say that your feelings, or at least interest-sparkage, are invalid. Heck, he’s proving he has good taste. So quit wondering and worrying — and go with it. At least long enough for the goggles to come off. But everything else should stay on, young lady.

Love,
Breakup Girl

The Predicament of the Week from November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

At the risk of sounding redundant, I really like what you’re doing here. Your advice is sound and thoughtful and you have a warmth and humor that really translates. I also appreciate that a lot of the letters are really really long and you print them, because in matters of the heart, these things are complicated. But enough about you.

I met my (currently) ex-boyfriend Nick four years ago. We had the HUGE love thing, that instantaneous, dramatic, mind-meld, soulmate thing. We ended up moving in together almost immediately. The problem was that he was The Ultimate Party Boy. He could not walk by a drug without taking it, stayed out all night, left me alone when I was sick in favor of a party, drank ungodly amounts of alcohol, that sort of thing. At the same time, he was this amazing guy. Big blue eyes, long dark lashes, brimming with sincerity, said all the right things, was committed to me and always said he wanted to settle down and be the kind of man his father was. His father was a rock, pretty much John Wayne. He’s been dead for 15 years and people still talk about him in hushed, awed terms.

Nick spun ever deeper into the hole of drugs and alcohol (I don’t drink at all, just don’t like the taste). In the meantime we got two amazing beagle puppies (because I thought we would be together forever) and bought a house in the suburbs. I am originally from NYC, so this was a novel, completely unexpected thing, a little ironic but also very pleasant. His family came up with the money for the down payment and we paid the mortgage together, though I wasn’t on the papers because his stepfather was already co-signing. But I digress.

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over atHappen now as well.

This week Lynn aids a girl who feels Untouchable. She recently met a boy through Internet dating, but is having a hard time making a physical connection:

I am a very affectionate person; I am always touching his back or playing with his hair, that sort of thing. He seems to appreciate it… but he shows no affection back. We have become intimate recently, and he always has his eyes closed.

Can this be worked on? If so, how should she approach the subject? Read the full letter at Happen, then add your own two cents in the comments below.

Lying about drugs on November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met Rebecca nearly seven years ago in high school and we were friends until she went away to college two years later. We lost touch until about eighteen months ago, when she returned back to the area to start her career.

After ten months of hanging out once or twice a week I came to the realization that I wanted to take the relationship to a ‘higher level’ and expressed this to her. She considered it and agreed, and we committed to one another romantically.

At the time I was a regular user of marijuana. I smoked maybe three or four times a week with my friends, and she had done it once or twice in college. Two months into our new relationship, she expressed concern that I was smoking too often. Looking for a good reason to quit, I promised at that point to give it up.

Two months later, after little in the way of struggle, I smoked pot again. I told her about it, and, while she was concerned, she was happy I told her and we left it at that. The problem is, my usage didn’t end there. I started doing it every couple of weeks, consistently.

Meanwhile, the relationship continued to get better. We started travelling with one another, and we spent the night at one another’s apartments three or four nights a week. We were in love and the future looked bright. We rarely had any kind of tense moments and even then we resolved them quickly. Except for the issue with pot. She seemed to be a touch suspicious and would bring up the topic every now and again. I would deny any kind of involvement with dope out of the fear of losing her or causing her undue grief.

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