The Predicament of the Week from November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

At the risk of sounding redundant, I really like what you’re doing here. Your advice is sound and thoughtful and you have a warmth and humor that really translates. I also appreciate that a lot of the letters are really really long and you print them, because in matters of the heart, these things are complicated. But enough about you.

I met my (currently) ex-boyfriend Nick four years ago. We had the HUGE love thing, that instantaneous, dramatic, mind-meld, soulmate thing. We ended up moving in together almost immediately. The problem was that he was The Ultimate Party Boy. He could not walk by a drug without taking it, stayed out all night, left me alone when I was sick in favor of a party, drank ungodly amounts of alcohol, that sort of thing. At the same time, he was this amazing guy. Big blue eyes, long dark lashes, brimming with sincerity, said all the right things, was committed to me and always said he wanted to settle down and be the kind of man his father was. His father was a rock, pretty much John Wayne. He’s been dead for 15 years and people still talk about him in hushed, awed terms.

Nick spun ever deeper into the hole of drugs and alcohol (I don’t drink at all, just don’t like the taste). In the meantime we got two amazing beagle puppies (because I thought we would be together forever) and bought a house in the suburbs. I am originally from NYC, so this was a novel, completely unexpected thing, a little ironic but also very pleasant. His family came up with the money for the down payment and we paid the mortgage together, though I wasn’t on the papers because his stepfather was already co-signing. But I digress.

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Ask anyone single, and they will tell you that the number of, well, couples is on the rise. Ask anyone at the Department of Health and Human Services, and they will tell you that while overall drug use is down, use of cocaine and heroin is creeping up, especially among people under 26. Merge these trends and you’ve got the strung-out boyfriends and girlfriends of tomorrow. And right now, boyfriends and girlfriends of today’s drug users are writing to Breakup Girl to ask (among other things): When drugs are a crowd … do I just say Go?

Remember, Breakup Girl is only a superhero, not a trained substance abuse counselor. But it doesn’t take a trained counselor to notice how many letters arrive in my e-mailbox in which the bad guy’s name is Jack Daniels — or, the bad girl’s, St. Pauli; in which chemicals kill chemistry; in which certain substances are not so controlled; in which the writer doesn’t know whether to be furious or terrified. Or to know how it feels to get dumped at the 1980-something eighth grade Beach Dance because you didn’t have much — that is, much interest in smoking pot — in common.

There are plenty of resources out there for family members and parents of substance abusers but, according to BG’s supercomputer, not as much help is obviously available for Others who, once drugs enter the picture, feel a whole lot less Significant. And who, as such, have their own set of concerns about guilt, partnership, trust, “enabling,” gauging the toughness of love.

So where do you start?

Here’s the would-that-it-were-that-simple bottom line (with a little help from BG.com’s Actual Credentialed Expert, Belleruth):

If it’s to the point where the bad mojo is really interfering with your honey’s — and/or your — ability to work and play and love and feel; or if a large portion of your energy is going into responding to the substance abuse, thinking about it, planning around it… the deal is: get help or get out.

This if…then either/or might sound like a big Breakup Girl DUH, but it’s not. Because:

1. Substance abuse problems are often more subtle: no needles in the den, no dates with dealers … but how about “social” drinking that gets anti- every time? Pot before class? Pain dulled with dope instead of dealt with?

2. At the other end of the caveat spectrum, most partners — user and Other — kid themselves about how bad things are getting. Especially because the abuse — like domestic violence — often escalates incrementally. So things can get out of control before you’re even clued in.

And even if you already know that either getting (a) help or (b) out are your only real options: how do you decide?

The answer is: ask. Someone with particular expertise in the peculiar dynamics of drugs-plus-love.

Still, it’s totally fine to start the asking with Breakup Girl. To use a cliched-but-true recoveryism: the first step is admitting there’s a problem. This is true for the People Who Do Drugs, and — for the reasons in points 1 and 2 above — it’s an equally tricky and trippy step (though in different ways) for the People Who Love Them. So Bravisimi to those of you who’ve already written.

For the third step, you may wish to check out: The hotline at the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information (1-800-662-HELP), general information about substance abuse, organizations that deal with it, various support groups, plus alternative ways of dealing and healing.

A version of this column originally appeared on November 9, 1998.

Last week, Feeling Adolescent wondered how many steps to take with a flirty fellow recoverer. BG and BR basically said, “Who-hoo!” But a reader named Christine stepped in to say, “Whoa!”

There most certainly is a “rule” about dating in the first year of recovery in 12-Step programs, and for a good reason. It leads to big emotional upheavals that dramatically increase the chances of “relapse,” or the return to the use of drugs and alcohol. The suggestion that a woman with only two months of clean time from drugs should get involved or pursue a romantic relationship is seriously in error.

I’ve been sober a modest eight years, but in that time I have known a number of people to drink or use drugs over “relationship” issues. The consequences of that happening are much greater than most people realize. A number of people close to me have died from heroin overdoses or having shot themselves while in a blackout. I will see that again, I’m sure. Recovery for an alcoholic/addict is really life or death, not a romantic puzzle. A relapse for an alcoholic or addict has greater consequences than is often portrayed on TV. It isn’t just “falling off of the horse and getting back in the saddle again,” a characterization I saw on that show “JAG” about military lawyers. Many never come back to recovery, or they try and never get more than a short period of sobriety again. I have seen this time and again.

I’ve known people who, after years in AA, froze to death on the streets of DC, across the street from the White House! Make no mistake, it could happen to your reader. And her sobriety is not the only one at risk. Many times, the person with longer sobriety who has a relationship with a newcomer also drinks.

There is a mechanism in 12 step programs called “sponsorship.” People can get help and emotional support from someone with more recovery experience and emotional stability. It has been my observation that newcomers (people with less than a year of continuous sobriety) are especially needy and vulnerable. The reaction/temptation is to attach to someone else as a distraction. Often it is a sadrepetition of previous poor relationship patterns. I seem to recall something you wrote about a new insight into oneself does not necessarily mean everything will be better with the next one. [See Duderino Rides Again.] You can double that for early recovery.

It never seems that way, though. I remember what it was like. Suddenly I didn’t have a hangover every day and I started to notice flowers and sunny days. Why not the sunny days of my heart? Can’t that awaken now, too? Yes. Just not yet. A little more time. It’s tough to see now, but severe damage has been done mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. We keep ourselves from really seeing how bad it got for a couple of years. So waiting a year is the least she can do. Thank you.

BG responds: Thank YOU, Christine. Our bad. So many people have trouble finding a natural buzz with someone in the first place, you see, we just get a little excited when someone actually does. So, FA, you may not be able to shut down your feelings entirely (nor he his). But yes, looks like you should discuss them with a sponsor to find out where to put them — if anywhere — ’til, oh, November 1999 at least. And let’s hope that the promise of “reawakening the sunny days of your hearts,” clean and sober, with him or whomever, helps all of you stay strong and well.

This comment originally appeared November 9, 1998.

Getting with the program on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl:

First of all, I want to thank you for your site. I have been reading it for months, and am always impressed and amused by the advice you offer.

Secondly, I’m afraid I may be in the running for the longest advice question ever. I have tried to get it down to a minimum, but it’s still pretty long-winded and involved (sorry). Here goes: My third marriage (which lasted 14 years) broke up over two years ago. Since the divorce I chose not to pursue relationships because of my poor track record with marriage, among other issues. But during these two years a lot of things have changed in my life and I have a much better understanding and perspective. Although I am well educated and have a good job, bottom line, I am an addict and always got involved with other active addicts — not a good situation to be sure, but I had no insight into this until I got clean and sober.

I am getting tired of being on my own and would like to have a meaningful relationship. But it’s tough –I’ve been out of the dating/relationship loop for so long that I feel like an adolescent, which I definitely am not. Add to that the complications noted above, and I’m a tough sell, even though I am still an attractive woman. Up until recently I hadn’t met anyone that I wanted to get involved with either, so when it happened, I was pretty stoked.

About 6 weeks ago after a 12-step meeting I went to a coffee shop with a bunch of people and struck up a conversation with The Guy (TG). We really clicked — talked non-stop for almost 2 hours. That night he indirectly asked me to a dance (“Are you going? — I’ll be there….), so I went and we had a nice time. We danced and talked and he walked me to my car when I left, but he didn’t try to kiss me and we didn’t exchange phone numbers (I had told him I didn’t have a phone).

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The Predicament of the Week from July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl (I do believe that is the traditional way of starting these letters),

I’m in a bit of a fix. While it may not be anything new to you, it’s still causing me emotional distress on levels I didn’t know existed. Here’s the setup:

I’m 16 years old, give or take a month or two. 5 months ago, I entered into my first relationship–an odd thing in this state of society (waiting until my age, that is), but i’ve always been waiting for the right person. Anyhow, five months ago, I asked this person (let’s just call her “Sherry,” since that sounds clever if you know her real name) if she would care to be with me. Remarkably enough, she accepted. And even more remarkably, things were almost perfect…we grew very close, very fast, and were practically inseparable. I recall meeting a new friend about a month and a half into this relationship, and her shock at how long we had been together…she figured we were at least at the 18 month mark. We even lived together for a brief period, and that worked out magically. About two months into the relationship (in fact, exactly two months) I came to the informed decision that this was truly something special, and that I was now willing to take our relationship one level higher…thus, I let her take my virginity away. Realize that this was a conscious decision that I made before the relationship began, and that she would have been more than willing to do this earlier on…I just wanted it to be something special. And it was.

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I just can’t quit you on February 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Two years ago I was involved with a great guy. We were compatible intellectually, romantically and sexually, but he moved 2,000 miles away and after an attempt to do the long distance thing, we broke it off. We remained good friends and corresponded regularly.

Now he is returning to his old neighborhood and thinks we should get together again. I’m all for it except for one problem. He is a smoker and I am a militant nonsmoker (the really annoying kind) with an allergy to cigarettes to boot! He was trying to quit when we first started dating, but since the move west, he gave up the effort. He likes it and he doesn’t care if it kills him. I try to get him not to do it around me during some of his visits home, but he does not always oblige. Even if the hacking cough didn’t always surface, the knot in the pit of my stomach every time he lights up (even when we speak on the phone) never goes away.

I don’t want this to become a power struggle. We are both stubborn, hard-headed people at times (hell, I guess that’s why we’re so compatible) and fighting about it goes nowhere. I really do want to see him again and possibly resume the relationship. How can I learn to adjust my attitude and still maybe, possibly take that chance in Hell that I can somehow encourage him to stop or at least compromise?

— Healthy Lungs in NY

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Ever since the Duchovny news broke, we here at breakupgirl.net have been addicted to sex addiction stories! Now, Lynn has written a review of two memoirs dealing with the subject — Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction by Susan Cheever and Love Junkie: A Memoir by Rachel Resnick — posted this morning at Barnes & Noble.

Last August, in a remarkable example of art imitating sex life, it was revealed that David Duchovny — who stars as a randy writer on Showtime’s Californication — had checked into rehab for sex addiction. The former Fox Mulder’s disclosure opened up a psychological X-file: is “sex addiction” modern pop-psych folklore, complete with a handy excuse for caddishness? Or is it for real?

Continue reading at the bn.com review page!

David “Californication” Duchovny reportedly in rehab for sex addiction.

I do not want to believe.

For those of you in a re-relationship like mine, it turns out we are not the freaks our friends try to make us out to be. In fact there’s an entire subset of relationships — with their own TV role models, of course — that have risen from the very ashes of their own breakups. (Again, and again, and again.)

According to a recent article in the Contra Costa Times, the cycle of breaking up and making up with the same person — you know, in the inimitable words of Charlene: “That man you fought with this morning, the same one you’re going to make love to tonight” — has a lot to do with our biological makeup, our fears of being alone, and, in some “extreme” cases, an addiction to the “I love, I mean hate, I mean LOVE you” drama.

Lisa Gray, a marriage and family therapist, says: “[These couples] get addicted to that up and down of emotion. The more quiet, stable love is not really cultivated as something to be respected. Just watch the common TV shows. These loud breakups-and-get-back-togethers are what get the attention.”

If that’s the case, I, for one, would be perfectly happy to spend the rest of my life never getting any attention ever again. Quiet, stable love, where are you?