From the December 1, 1997 column…

Dear Breakup Girl,
Hey, I’m the guy that got the sledgehammer to the heart this time! What is it about them loving you, but not being in love with you and just wanting to be friends? I’m such a nice guy, you just don’t want to fall in love with me? What’s up with that?
— Jilted Guy

Dear Jilted Guy,
Ah, the Nice Guy thing. Definitely a fair question. There are two situations in which women employ the Nice Guy defense. One is used to explain why you don’t want to go out with someone in the first place. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you; on the contrary, it means she honestly likes you. But it does mean that for her, something about the two of you together fails to create that inexplicable combustion called chemistry. Women get the “nice” dis too, by the way. If you don’t believe me, just observe the Janeane Garofalo character in “The Truth About Cats and Dogs” (unless you’ve seen it already, which could explain why your ex called you “nice”).

(more…)

We are kicking off our new blog with the very first advice letter that we answered back on December 1, 1997–yeah, 10 years and two months ago! Along with new comics, news and observations, our plan is to present “classic” advice letters daily for new readers to discover and old fans to (finally!) comment on …

Dear Breakup Girl,
I am SO OVER HIM, I really am. Having bought your book and followed its wisdom, I even have a spiffy (better!) new boyfriend. But I worry that I’m a bad person ’cause I am sort of obsessed with my ex’s new girlfriend, who is richer, thinner, and more Society than me. I am not exaggerating, she’s got a Celebrity Hair Stylist and everything. He must be all “God, how could I have gone out with that cow when I now have this beauty?” And I worry I’ll bump into her at the supermarket (though probably she sends a serf to do her shopping) and she’ll look at me and sneer. Why do I care? It’s really annoying me.
— Out of Groceries

Dear Out of Groceries,
The way I see it, you are actually fortunate that this Lord of the Flies with shopping serfs is a huge heinous society babe with Celebrity Hair. Let’s say, instead, that your non-spiffy ex had started dating someone REALLY SIMILAR TO YOU. Then you’d really have something to worry about. Even though you are over him (I believe you!), you’d be comparing yourself to her on a much less superficial, much more meaningful — and thus much more intimidating — level. Not “What if he likes her better because she got to take him to that party that Shalom Harlow and whats-her-name von Furstenburg were at?” but “What if he likes her better because…she’s a better person?”

Trust me, it’s better this way.
Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Would it help if a rumor got spread that the next hot Celebrity Hair Style is the revival of the Dorothy Hamill? Breakup Girl will make some calls.

There she goes, on January 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

About eight months ago my girlfriend of three years and I decided that our relationship was on a one-way trip to nowheresville. She moved out and we decided that we could “just be friends.” Well, we couldn’t! Big surprise. So now we no longer talk.

About six months after the breakup I noticed this girl that I wanted to get to know. However, I did not want to start up a relationship until I had purged all my feelings for my ex-girlfriend and felt comfortable with myself again. Well, I finally felt ready to move on (which is not an easy thing to accomplish) and decided to talk to the new girl. I found out that she is really cool and that I wanted to pursue a relationship with her. I also sensed that she felt the same about me. Here is the big problem: she is moving to Florida for two years to finish school.

(more…)