Stuck in the past of September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I need to know how to get back at my (now) gay ex. He’s a big jerk and seems to think he’s all that and more. I want to teach him a lesson he’ll never forget. What should I do? (And yes I have moved on to someone else whom I love.) Thanks.

— Hope

Dear Hope,

You should move on to someone else whom you love.

Oh wait, you did that.

Then you’re all set.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Holding it together on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My ex and I broke up about a year ago. We were mismatched in every way but one, and a lot of bad things happened. We still have a lot of mutual friends online, even though he’s told all his friends that I’m insane/delusional/dangerous. For my part, I did most of my most vehement bitching to people who didn’t know him.

A couple of days ago, he posted a long and uncalled for summary of some of the worst things that happened between us to a usenet group, because he thought I was snarking at his wife. (They’ve been married for a couple of months, I guess.) He’s under the mistaken impression that I’m conducting a smear campaign against him, when even my closest friends say that the worst thing they’ve ever heard me say about him is that I ought to have known better, and that he still owes me money. (He did, at the time. We’ve since settled.)

I just hate it that he’s implying that he has a life, simply because he and some fat blue-haired chick got married in the park; because I’m single by choice, and spending my spare time going out with friends, doing volunteer work and generally living the life I want to live, mine doesn’t count.

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Dear Breakup Girl,

Short and sweet (bitter): He broke up with me six months ago. I essentially supported him for half the relationship (which, granted, was only four months long– a personal record– and which I did very enthusiastically.) He is a writer and was extremely depressed about his lack of success. He had written a great novel which I encouraged him to keep hustling. I spoke to him recently. He sold the manuscript. To a huge major publisher. I am not aschadenfreude kind of girl. I was genuinely happy for him. However, now it seems I cannot stop crying. I mean, I’ve been pretty upset in general, hard getting over him etc., but now I’m a bit of a basket case. Also, he was going to take me on this great vacation when he finally got some money….

A friend of mine broke up with someone who then won the Pulitzer prize. But she broke up with him.

Look, I know I’m not personally fulfilled (I’m a writer too blah blah blah and not actualizing a lot of opportunities blah blah, my shrink’s away…) and that’s why I feel empty and crazy as a result of this news, however I just want to know that he is aware of the fact that it would be a nice gesture if he say, said thanks, or offered to buy me a drink (I wouldn’t go, I mean I know that wouldn’t be healthyblahblah…) but I think maybe it hasn’t occurred to him and this is what makes me very very unhappy. Very. I feel sick. And I fantasize about floating gay rumors that will forever haunt him. Not in a bad way… Help?

— Basket Case

BG’s wisdom after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

Help. I have acquired an extraordinarily complicated personal life.

Two months ago, it was like a Frank Lloyd Wright structure, all clean lines and good sense. Then my bf of six months broke up with me for another girl he had known for preCISEly forty-eight hours (no standing in the way of true love, I guess). We were determined to stay friends. It was a difficult break-up for both of us; we cried a lot, I was upset and mad and he was just … in love.

The friend thing quickly fell apart because his new gf goes rabid at the thought of me, and because now that I was no longer the primary female in his life, this previously conscientious, thoughtful and sweet man started being none of the above. I won’t get into specifics, but he started demonstrating aspects to his personality I would have been much happier never to have seen.

This really scared me. Before: Cool guy. After: Hyde. Who knew?

Now it seems that the planets have realigned and every man I ever knew before him has reasserted himself in my life in their single states. The ex love of my life who lives far away is going to be in town for a month. The guy I lived with in university and who lives even farther away is in the country for two months. The guy I had a huge crush on at my first job and who had a girlfriend is now single and making it clear that he’s interested. A guy who I would have dated had I not met Hyde who then started dating one of my friends called me the minute he found out about the breakup and said (I quote) –“It’s not serious between us. She knows that. So do you want to go out for dinner some time?” Then there’s this sweet boy who lives far away who keeps asking me to come and visit …

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Dear Breakup Girl,

My divorce was final a year ago. I had the opportunity to take my ex to the cleaners, so to speak, in court (nude pics of him and his lover in a hotel room and information regarding his affiliation with a prostitute). However, I chose not to give all my money fighting in the courts and settled out of court. I sometimes regret my decision — only because I want him to know what I know about his affair and his affiliation with a known prostitute. He prides himself on being a “highly moral and ethical person” (he is psychologist). I still have all the documentation I had planned on using in court…and have contemplated on sending it to his new bride (he mail ordered her from Russia via the Internet). Or just giving the info to him…to let him know he may have thought he got on over on me….but there are others that now know of his less reputable side. Should I simply leave well enough alone…my head says I should….my heart says I still want to hurt him as he did me. What do you think?

— Beeja

Dear Beeja,

Don’t leave well enough alone. Leave hellish enough alone.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published September 14, 1998.

Our recent series on revenge elicited quite a few insightful and supportive reader comments (see, when you shelve your plans for elaborate retaliation conspiracies, you have so much more time to share). A couple of highlights:

Dear Breakup Girl,

This is not so much a question as a response to your “perfect” revenge. Whenever I get mad at any guy in my life, I get all dolled up, go out with a group of friends, and flirt like hell any chance I get. Just getting all dressed up makes me feel a lot better about myself. It’s sort of like when you have a horrible fever and can’t leave your bed for days. When you finally do get to brush your teeth, shower, and wash your hair, you feel like a new person. The attention I get because I am being open and flirtatious (and dolled up) helps me get over the If-he-doesn’t-want-me-I-must-be-a-toad blues. And then I go home and sleep soundly. Alone. Keep giving us sensible advice that makes us see how silly we can all act.

— Yank in Brussels

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Predicament of the Week from May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

One month ago my girlfriend dumped me and her reason why was that she didn’t want a relationship at this point in her life. Yeah, I could understand that, but when I was told that she’d started to date other guys I think I flipped. I was a very nice guy to her — better than most guys were. To make this long story short, I told her that I’d cheated on her when we were going out — just to hurt her — and now all it’s doing is hurting me more.

I don’t want you to think I’m nuts — only with love. I just can’t tell her the truth because everyone that knows her thinks I cheated on her and she told me she can’t trust anything I say to her anymore. Now that I screwed up I need to find some way to tell her that I was just lying to her about cheating on her. I know she will never want to speak to me again and I think I can handle it but I don’t want her to hate me for the rest of my life. If you could in some way HELP me to find a way to solve my BIG problem. I’ve never wanted to hurt her this way; I just lost my head and I can’t seem to find a way out of this mess. I’m not one to ask for anything in life but this one I really need help on.

Tearfully,
K.

P.S. If you want to post this letter on your board of guys who’ve done some really stupid things in their lives, I would understand. Maybe it wil help others like myself not to do things like this.

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Guilty in absentia on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have just spoken with my best friend, who is miserable and alone in Marrakesh, where she is working. She’s sad because her partner has not phoned her for over a week — he’s uncontactably on a rock tour in Australia/New Zealand. She suspects he is screwing the catering girl/backing singer/production assistant. Meanwhile he has left all his belongings in her flat here in London — for which I have a key. What (preferably harsh) action do you suggest she take? (Waiting and seeing is not an option!)

— Damp Shoulder

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Entering derogatory purgatory on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend of six intense months blew up at me the other night and called me every derogatory name in the book. While it wasn’t intended as a breakup, I knew that being spoken to in that way was the end, so when he finished his tirade I said only, “Perhaps you should take me home.” We both remained silent for the twenty minutes of the ride to my house. It seemed to be an unspoken breakup, and in fact I haven’t heard from him since. I thought that in light of his juvenile hysterics, I was taking the high road by simply leaving him in silence, never to speak to him again, but now I have an overwhelming urge to tell him what I really think of him. And on a side note, I’ve discovered I left my watch at his place — I’m leaning toward writing it off, but my friends think I should get it back. Please advise: am I allowed to mail him a hate letter, or does that falsely indicate that I care?

— Allie

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Speaking truth to loser on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Help me, I want to get revenge at my ex-boyfriend, because he broke up with me and then he told everybody some stuff about me that’s totally untrue. Now I’m SO angry at him and want to do something that makes him feel really bad. Do you think I should ignore him (be cold) or should I tell him that I don’t accept that he’s running around telling lies? One thing he doesn’t know is that some of his friends are on my side. That feels really good, but it would’ve been better if he knew that, too. I don’t know how to get revenge so please help me!

— Matilda

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