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December 18

Long Distance Liar

Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 9:52 am

The Predicament of the Week from March 16, 1998

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been having this long-distance love affair for the past three years with a man who was a close family friend, until we got involved. To make a long story short, I’m now separated from my husband, and my lover and I have been trying to work on moving our relationship forward. Here’s the problem. He was supposed to come visit me (we haven’t seen each other in four months, as he lives overseas), and he’d even set the dates that he’d be over. Supposedly, he wasn’t able to come out sooner due to “business.” So there I am waiting for his phone call giving me flight details, when I get this email from the son-of-a-bit…. that he’s gone on vacation for the week to Spain (?!) and that I would “really be helping him out” if I came over instead in two weeks time for the weekend. Oh, the clincher was his closing line — get this BG: “Sorry about the prevarication.” Like, now we need to use fancy words for Big Fat Liar?!

Sure, no problem, don’t mind me if I get upset because my lover/friend of over ten years decides to plan a vacation with me AS WELL as some other babe FOR THE SAME WEEK. What’s he going to come up with next — like I’m supposed to be understanding of his little scheduling conflicts? Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I always thought that men were supposed to at least TRY to come up with some plausible excuse for their indiscretions. I’m not demanding that he stop have a life and not see other women. I do demand that he at least not see them the week he’s supposed to be visiting me. Is that to much to ask? What’s his excuse for failing to mention during the last two week’s worth of phone-calls and e-mails that he would rather go away with somebody else, and that I was like just his reserve babe in case things didn’t fall through? Did I miss that part of the oconversation? I guess I did. The pompous exposed nerve of this guy makes me want to SCREAM!! The WHOLE THING WAS HIS IDEA ANYWAY, like I was in the middle of trying to reconcile with my soon-to-be ex. Of course, I practically had a brain aneurism, and left him two messages on his voice-mail reading him the riot act and made it very clear that we are officially finished.

My sister says that I’m over-reacting. I think he’s fooling around with somebody and wants to have the both of us around to play these silly mind games with. I’m 34, he’s 42, and frankly, at his age it’s a little unseemly to carry on like this with me. My sister says that he’s a free man and entitled to go where he pleases (sure, but what about the fact that I was expecting him to walk in through the door, except now he’s in Madrid bonking some babe?). My sister says I should APOLOGIZE (uh, hello?!), and go on my trip to see him anyway. I say I’d rather poke myself in the eye with a paring knife — he’s a no-good, sneaky, deceitful, thoughtless cad, and what’s more, a now self- admitted “prevaricator.” Puhleaze. Should I stay home, not take his phone calls (because you and I both know he WILL be calling, as I had the last word, and guys like him never let a woman have the last ANYTHING) and let him stew in his own smelly bile? I say it’s time to give him the boot, my sister says I’m being “unfair.” Oh, and yes, my marriage did break up because of this worthless ingrate, and I also happen to love him madly. But I say a girl has got to have SOME standards, even if these low-life bottom-feeding slimeballs don’t. Help — am I just jumping to conclusions or is this guy the proverbial terminally “fear of intimacy/commitment” type I keep reading about in magazines? (P.S. My sister says I don’t even have any proof that he’s with a girl. Uh, duh, you don’t have to be Einstein to figure this one out, I mean, if he was out with his sister, or friends, he’d hardly feel the need to lie about it, now would he!)

— Sleepless and Fed-up in New York.

Dear Sleepless and Fed-Up,

Yeah, safe to say that anyone who goes to the trouble to call lying “prevarication” definitely has something to hide.

And yeah, his “Pooky, would you be a dear and pop over to Europe on my schedule so I may cavort in Madrid for a fortnight?” attitude is definitely that of someone who would use the word “prevarication” in casual conversation.

But you know what, if your letter weren’t such a delicious, sincere, we’ve-all-been-there-in-some-way poignant hoot (and I truly mean that in a non-patronizing/-prevaricating way), you would have been sent straight to the Breakup List, do not pass go, do not collect an international airline ticket. Look, I know all the time you’ve invested and sacrifices you’ve made and feelings you feel (and can’t feel) are driving you nuts. And rightly so. But at some level, it doesn’t matter what he’s doing in Madrid or how he’s profiled in what magazine. All indications are that this guy is not prepared to go to the ends of the earth for you, or even to New York. Guessing and blaming and fuming, past a certain point, is wasting your time and sapping your spirit. Lick your wounds, mourn the loss, and move the heck on. Sorry for the … truth.

Breakup Girl


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