Staying strong on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend lives in London and I live in LA. We met last summer and I spent all of September with him in LA and all of December with him in London. The separations are really hard on me. Really hard. I don’t want to go out with anyone else, but I feel really sad that he’s not here to share every single little thing with me and vice versa. What can I do to make myself feel better? I cry a lot and know that that doesn’t help the situation — it won’t make him be able to come out and visit any earlier. I know I have to be strong, but how do I do that? The relationship is stagnant, even though we talk and email almost every day. When I do see him, how do I make him feel that he can’t live on without me? How do I get him to talk about his feelings about me? It’s always stressful for both of us to talk about one of us leaving because we want to spend as much time together being happy and not sad? How do I alleviate some of the pain of not having him near me?

— Ina

Dear Ina,

One thing I haven’t said yet about LDRs is that some people actually do take to them sort of naturally. These folks like the built-in space and compartmentalization, the NOT having to negotiate daily life together.

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Although we do hear long-distance success stories, of course — the summer fling that lasted a lifetime, the professors with bi-coastal tenure, WOMAN WEDS ALIEN – it’s hard. And that’s the main — and not as obvious as it should be — thing you need to know about LDRs. They are hard. It does bear noting that the information age has made LDRs both easier and more difficult. Used to be you had to wait months for the steamship to deliver one letter, or fight with your siblings to get the horse for the weekend. Now, however, we’ve got the opposite problem: “Why didn’t you respond to my beep/email instantly?!” “If you loved me, you’d take the Concorde.”)

Anyway, the fact that LDRs are hard, like built-in hard, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong. People forget this. It’s like, “Dear Breakup Girl, my girl/boyfriend and I argue about phone bills, have trouble getting away to see each other because of work and expenses and feeling like we’re blowing off our other friends, and then when we do get together there’s all this quality- and quantity- pressure for it to be GREAT…are we fundamentally incompatible?!?!?!” Uh, not necessarily.

That’s the main thing. Other points on the map:

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Still obsessing on July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I like the advice you gave to “Wondering” about the happy birthday card. I sent a birthday card to my ex on her birthday — I got no response and I was so pissed because I thought that was really big of me. At any rate, we haven’t talked in 14 weeks, (but who’s counting). My question is, how do I find out without calling directly, what’s up with her, if she’s seeing someone else, if she’s fallen off the face of the earth? Or should I just forget her?

Also, during the course of our relationship I gained fifteen pounds. I’m supposed to start Jenny Craig tomorrow. In my dreams I run into her totally coincidentally, I look fabulous and she’s with her ugly new flame.

Am I being totally delusional about this whole thing? HELP ME…..

— Salty

BG’s answer after the jump! </strong>

Another celebration on July 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I broke up with my girlfriend almost 3 months ago. The breakup had been building, I was tired of trying to fight through all the intimacy issues that she and I both had. I felt I couldn’t go it alone so I suggested counseling for us. That request was met with an emphatic “NO” from her. I felt like there was no other choice but to break up. Unlike other breakups I’ve had, this one was distinctly non-emotional — no tears, no calling back just to “hear your voice”, no heartfelt attempts at reconciliation. Just silence. And it’s been that way for three months. Two weeks ago it was her birthday. I decided to send a card, just to show that I didn’t hate her and that I do have some class. I didn’t get a response. All I wanted was a simple acknowledgement/thank you. So now I’m pissed. I still have some things of hers, and I’m wondering, should I send them? Or keep them and continue the road to recovery? I really want to be civil, but I’m angry, so I thought of including with the package a note letting her know how completely classless I think she is.

— Dane

Dear Dane,

Now do you see the point I was making to Wondering (about expecting a particular response, not about Ziggy)?

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Disengaging on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been reading your column for about six months now and I think it is just great! Here is my problem: I am 29 and have been dating a guy for three years. I have known him for 15 years. We were best friends since high school before we started dating. We took it real slow in the beginning as we didn’t want to ruin a great friendship. Now after 3 years I want out. I am not sure if it is just that I have the three-year itch. (I have had two other relationships that have lasted three years and then I called it off.) We talked about marriage but I no longer see it as an option. I have tried to break up with him but he cried, said he loved me and wanted to marry me, and I gave in. I really don’t want to hurt him and don’t know how to ease his pain. How do I get out before we wind up engaged? There is noone else; I am just not in love with him anymore.

— Lise

Dear Lise,

“Before we wind up engaged?” Again with the word choice that makes it sound like engagement is something that happens to you by chance, as in, “Let’s clean up the picnic before we wind up getting rained on!” Similarly, you “tried” to break up with him? That has about the same logic as, in the age of voice mail and beepers and communications satellites, saying “I TRIED to call you.” What, you “tried” to call, but your cell phone wound up getting rained on? In breakups, as in telephones, and telekinetically levitating X-Wing fighters out of swamps, there is no “try.” Now, I don’t mean to ignore the fact that getting out is going to SUCK, given especially how long you’ve been close (and we can talk about that in another letter). For more about HOW — and especially how NOT to, see the Predicament of the Week. But if you need resolve-strengthening, remember what I said to Wishy Washy: no mercy marriages. You wanna “ease his pain?” Then cut the cord before you tie the knot.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Thanks for the compliment.

Still waiting on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with my fiance for over eight years. We have been living together for about five years in a jointly purchased house. The problem seems to be that we have been engaged for over five years now, and we still don’t have a wedding date. We have discussed this on numerous occasions throughout the years, but we still remain engaged without a “date” to wed. He says that he has been ready to marry me since he asked. He says that I am the one dragging my feet. I have told him recently that I am ready now, but this topic always seems to stay the same…dateless. I know that he loves me, and there is no doubt in my mind about spending the rest of my life with him. I am beginning to wonder if I should give him an ultimatum at this point, or should I just move on???

— Constant Confusion

You don’t have to wait for BG’s answer, just click here.

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn advises Second Best who seems to be the first woman that boys date after they’ve been dumped:

The past three men I’ve dated have all, unbeknownst to me, been on the rebound. The first one broke my heart, and I ran as fast as I could from the next two after the rebound signs showed up early.

Now that a fourth guy is following the same pattern, should she try again, or should Second Best be the first to jump ship? Read the full letter and Lynn’s response at Happen, then add your own thoughts below!

A long one from June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met my fiance two years ago on the internet. I was sort of involved/on my way out of the relationship door when I met him and I explained that I would need some time to get over bad boyfriend before trying to date, have a relationship, etc. This worked fairly well since we lived across the country from one another anyway.

As my bad breakup wounds healed, my fiance and I became more involved (we were already more than friends despite my best intentions to keep it buddy/buddy only during the healing process). Oops. We became a couple, and later in the year, we started talking marriage. I felt it was too soon and bailed on the idea — Ye Olde Romantic Boy decided to go forward anyway and surprised me with the ring after Christmas. I said “yes” despite not being 100% sure, though my confidence that it was the right decision grew daily. We started living together over a year ago, and much to the surprise of my solo-time-lovin’ self, we make great roommates.

My fiance is unlike anyone I have ever dated. I am used to angsty, arty, intense boys. My fiance is mellow and sweet and stable. And extremely marriage and family oriented. The only thing that really gets his occasionally self-righteous knickers in a twist is his raging jealousy. Because he is so different from anyone else I have ever dated or been interested in, my love for him came as kind of a shock to me. And as I fell happier, healthier and more optimistic than I have in other relationships, the difference between my fiance and others I have dated sometimes disturbs me. I really love him — I am just wondering if it’s enough. Sometimes it feels like being rich and depressed at the same time — “Oh, filet mignon again? Sigh.”

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Going with the flow on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How would you advise someone who simply would sacrifice his own happiness for that of another? I am about to enter into a long and rather binding committment to a beautiful, loving, wonderful woman. Problem is, I’m not certain if this relationship is exactly what I want…but it certainly is what she desires.

I cannot stand the thought of ever causing this woman pain, and as a result, will likely end up sooner or later in this committment.

Any advice?

Signed,
Wishing I Could Be Less Wishy Washy

Important Breakup Girl Maxim after the jump!

Breaking bad habits on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I live together in bliss. We are wonderful together and we’re both very happy. He makes me feel (your words) like the “fresh and tasty thing I am,” and we are really good at working lil’ problems out when they pop up. He’s brought up marriage. Okay, I’m getting to the problem now. He has dangerously bad habits. He smokes. He puts sugar on pie. He goes through salt, like, I don’t know what goes through a lot of salt, but you know what I’m saying. I cook for him, he doesn’t eat it. He is 50 pounds overweight. I have NEVER seen him eat a vegetable. I talk to him about my concern often. He claims that he would rather die young than live a long life of boiled tofu and squash. I can’t make him see an in between. Okay, my final point: I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, and I don’t want to be a widow at 40. I’ve heard you can’t change a person, but you can change their behavior. Is this a behavior problem, or a deeply ingrained personality flaw?

— Worry Wart

BG’s advice after the jump!