Classic advice from April 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently tapped my home phone and found out my wife was planning to meet a male “friend” to “hang out” for the coming weekend. A few days before, she told me she was going out-of-town to hang out with some old girl friends.

I confronted her with what I thought was a planned affair. She denied any affair, and insists that the guy is only a friend and nothing else. Although the conversation I heard had no explicit plan, i.e. “…we’ll meet and screw,” it was fraught with the kind of sexual tension and innuendo that only two lovers have. He was saying things like “the door is always open…” etc.

I pressed the issue and my wife admitted that they had had an “incident” before we met. She says that she has no intention of sleeping with anyone but me and that she loves me, and that this guy is not sexually interested in her. However, their phone conversation sounded totally different too me.

I didn’t reveal how I got my info, but now I don’t know if I should trust my wife. Is this an innocent diversion? Or something that is bound to happen?

— Sleeping With One Eye Open

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn helps Edgy in Erie, a gal living with, and raising her kids with, a guy who has not fully extricated himself from his unhappy marriage. Namely:

1. He hasn’t followed through with the divorce.
2. He has cheated on me with her.
3. He talks to her often and seems overly concerned with the goings-on of her life (beyond kid-related things).

After three years, does this guy need understanding, or a kick in the pants? Read the full letter — and Lynn’s response — at Happen, then comment below!

Shock and Ew on March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been dating a guy since last summer. Things seemed to be going rather well. Then I discovered an ad in the personals online that he placed. After the initial shock, I called and asked him about it. He said that he must have been mad or something and that he would delete the ad. It is still there. How should I handle this?

— Carole

Dear Carole–

1. What were you doing reading the personals? Snooping, or scoping? Neither bodes well.
2. Unless the ad now says, “SM seeks F” — F as in Forgiveness — it’s time to delete him.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Still stings on March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My fella, who I adored, was transferred to another city. We agreed to try a long distance relationship. All I ever asked was that he tell me if he found someone else. Within a few weeks there, he was sleeping with a much younger woman who he had HIRED for his department. I found out after about a month and threw the book at him. I don’t want him back, but I so want to stop thinking about him and stop feeling so hurt. I’ve filled my life with a lot of new things…going to college, golf, country dancing, etc. I’ve met a few men, but the thought of being hurt like that again is too much…it makes my stomach turn over. It’s been almost a year and I am still feeling the sting. Any ideas?

— Linda

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Put on some hot cocoa and curl up with this tale of Christmases Past and Christmases yet-to-be from December 14, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s my wish list, with some background and explanation. It all started last Christmas actually… I’m in college, my boyfriend graduated from the same school about a year and a half ago. I went home for Christmas (I’m from about 2000 miles away, so it’s a relative-distance relationship…40 minutes when I’m in school, a couple thousand miles when I’m not). At this time we’d been dating for almost eight months. Our relationship had been going mostly wonderfully, fairy-tale and all. It had been my longest relationship EVER, as before the longest relationship I’d been in had been for about two weeks. When we met, we became close friends quickly. He was smarting from his breakup with a particular psycho-hose-beast.

She was his first ever/serious relationship. Over the summer (while I was home) she called him, yelled at him for a while that he’d gotten on with his life (meaning she was jealous of me) and that was the last I’d thought I’d ever hear about it.

Well, it was the holiday season, so being the sweet sensitive person he is, he decided to send PHB a Christmas card in an attempt to “make peace.” Personally, I would have never attempted communication with someone who treated me that badly. I would have lost their address, everything. So, there I was at home, trying to deal with my family and distant friends (also depressing holiday traditons) and one morning I got a phone call. I had been out all night the night before, so I was still asleep when my boyfriend called. My mom woke me up to tell me that he was on the phone.

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Oh noes! Flirty messages from old flames are troubling enough to current spouses, but for some married people, the temptation of having all your old flames just a click away may be too much. Divorce attorneys are reporting now that at least 1 in 5 divorce petitions cite Facebook as proof of an affair or inappropriate behavior.

We get emails from people worried about IM and text messages from exes, which certainly isn’t new, so as easy as Facebook makes it to reconnect with old flames, it’s no surprise that those inclined to stray are finding it easier to do so with more people, more often.

“The most common reason seemed to be people having inappropriate sexual chats with people they were not supposed to,” says Mark Keenan, Managing Director of Divorce-Online, in the Telegraph UK article reporting these findings.

Some cheaters are flaunting their misbehavior, and even informing their jilted spouse of their impending divorce by updating their relationship status.

While I believe that it’s possible to be platonic, mutually respectful friends with exes, I can also empathize with those who really kinda hate Facebook. Hate how ghosts of nightmares past seem to come back from the grave complete with slutty profile picture and a comment for everything that’s said and done, and how “it’s just Facebook, it doesn’t matter” starts to sound pretty weak when every word has an audience of hundreds or thousands.

From today’s New York Times:

Text messages are the new lipstick on the collar, the mislaid credit card bill. Instantaneous and seemingly casual, they can be confirmation of a clandestine affair, a record of the not-so-discreet who sometimes forget that everything digital leaves a footprint.

This became painfully obvious a week ago when a woman who claims to have had an affair with Tiger Woods told a celebrity publication that he had sent her flirty text messages, some of which were published. It follows on the heels of politicians who ran afoul of text I.Q., including a former Detroit mayor who went to prison after his steamy text messages to an aide were revealed, and Senator John Ensign of Nevada, whose affair with a former employee was confirmed by an incriminating text message.

Unlike earlier eras when a dalliance might be suspected but not confirmed, nowadays text messages provide proof. Divorce lawyers say they have seen an increase in cases in the past year where a wronged spouse has offered text messages to show that a partner has strayed. The American Bar Association began offering seminars this fall for marital attorneys on how to use electronic evidence — text messages, browsing history and social networks — in proving a case.

Read the rest here. Of course, this also totally happened on Glee.

Early cyber-cheating, circa February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a problem with my husband. He was spending 10 to 14 hours a day on the computer, talking in chat rooms to other women. They sent him pictures. One day, I found him having cyber-sex. It was bad enough that he was spending so much time in chat rooms, ignoring me, and his son, but then to find out he was doing this really hurt me. I found out the name of the person that he had cyber sex with, and told her how I felt. She yelled at my husband. Then he had the nerve to tell me to apologize to her! That really hurt! Why should I owe anyone an apology? I was the one who was hurt, and just stated my feelings. He says I am too jealous. I’m not thinking that he would ever run off with this person, but it just hurts that he spent so much time typing to her, and other women, for so many hours every day, and ignored me and his son. What do you think?

— Leah

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Sorry, nope.

Zen and the art of cheating, February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am currently single after three and a half long years (and proud of it dammit:). Well, I have a long time friend of ten years who just got married and has a newborn child. After flirting for all this time, we finally did the deed and slept together. It was so good that we just can’t seem to stop. My question is, should I be the mature one and say “hello! You’re married?” or should I just go eith the flow, I mean, I’m not the one cheating! Or am I?

— Friendly Luva

 
Dear Friendly,

“I’m not the one cheating!” Nice try, Luva. The “sound” of “one person cheating” is a concept far too Zen for Breakup Girl. If you’re so “friendly,” do no more deeds. Instead, help the new mom find someone to talk to about post-partum blues.

Love,
Breakup Girl