In and out of love on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Where to start? I’ll just tell you everything and your editors can cut it down.

My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 9 months now. We still are, I think. He is oh, so wonderful! We have been best friends for a lot longer than that. In a month we move in together when we go back to school. (Since we were best friends, we filled out a lease for an apartment before we were a couple, each thinking the other didn’t want to go out with us.) We are now two states away, due to summer vacation from college. We had the perfect relationship when we were together. We had all of our classes together, so we would study together and hang out together basically 24/7. We were both dreading the time when we would have to leave. This is the most serious relationship I have ever been in. He told his MOM that he thought I was THE ONE. (That seems like a big step to me…) He admits that he thought that we would last forever, and I agreed.

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Wanting permission on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hello there, BG. I love your site…it has really helped me put some things into perspective. But, I still have a predicament on my hands that I haven’t been able to shake for quite some time now, and I’ve never really written publicly to ask for answers but here goes:

I am currently living with someone I met on the internet a little over 2 years ago. It all started like so:

I met her on IRC, we emailed and spoke on the phone for about 2 months, I ended up taking a trip out to finally meet her, we hit it off, 1 month later she moved to my city to live with me. Then I moved with her to her city for about 6 months. And finally now we have settled in SF and are living in a decent sized studio apartment (and paying an insane amount for it BTW). Anyways, we have always gotten along great and I really care for her, as I know she does for me. But I almost think she cares about me way more than I do.

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Moving out on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. The first year, we were at different colleges on the East Coast 20 minutes apart, so we spent most weekends together but that was about it. Then we both graduated and moved to California, about 2 hours apart. We didn’t specifically plan to relocate together, it was mostly fortunate coincidence. After about 2 months of this, we found a place together, then lived together with various other housemates for almost 3 years.

On the outside, we look like a perfectly happy couple, and in many respects we are. But problems with housemates put a strain on our living situation, and this has spilled over into our relationship. We have some living style differences (he stays up until 3 AM, I have to work 9-5; I’m messy, he’s neat; he has good financial sense and I don’t, etc.) and each of us has character traits that irritate the other. I have thought long and hard about these things and have decided that I can live with them all. But he has some serious reservations about a few of mine (in particular, I can have a quick, sharp temper and he has a hard time dealing with that) and isn’t so sure he can live with them.

To complicate matters, this is his first real relationship. So he feels like he has no basis for comparison as to how happy he ought to be or as to what he ought to want out of a relationship. I’ve been in a few other relationships, so this is not a problem for me: I believe that this is a basically good relationship and worth saving. But he is not so sure.

For about the last year, he’s been satisfied enough with the relationship to want to continue with it, but not satisfied enough that he’s willing to make any sort of long term commitment. We have talked about this many, many times, but no kind of resolution has ever come out of it. Then, back in March, I discovered an advice columnist called Breakup Girl. Maybe you’ve heard of her. She’d written this really interesting column on space, which I read, and thought about. Not long after, my BF and I were getting into one of these discussions, and I brought up the idea of having some space. He agreed to think about it. About a week later, he came up with the idea of living apart. He suggested that it might be a good way for him to get some space and be able to think about the bigger problems in our relationship without getting distracted by all the minor day-to-day irritations involved in living with someone. So we discussed that for a couple of months, then agreed to try it.

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Out of order on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s my situation. A few months ago, I moved into an apartment with a really good friend of mine, I’ll call her “Ann.” I liked living with her. We got along fine and we never fought about anything. I’ve always considered her one of my best friends, and although we flirted a bit it was nothing serious, just friend stuff. Anyway, a while back the two of us went out partying and had a bit too much to drink. We got back home…and, well you get the idea.

Normally I think I could handle this. Spending the night with someone doesn’t mean you have to get married or anything. The problem is, we both decided to try and make a go of an actual relationship. I realize this was a mistake now, but at the time it made sense.

Anyway, it was nice for about a month, but now things are really screwed up. In reality, my relationship with “Ann” is at a point were we barely speak to each other. I really have no idea how THAT happened! All I can say is that being friends with someone and dating that person are totally totally different things. It doesn’t help that she’s VERY hard to talk to.

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The party’s over on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for the last five years, and we’ve lived together for three. Before we moved in together, my mother and other family members kept objecting because “it wasn’t right” to live with someone before you were married. Of course I answered that their morals didn’t apply to me. Now I wish someone had told me the real reason, which is when you want to get out of the situation, you’re a lot more stuck than if you weren’t sharing the same house.

When we started going out, it was a fling — we both agreed that it was just one night, but kept seeing each other anyway and it sort of grew from there into the best relationship I’ve ever had. He’s one of only two guys I’ve really loved (and I’ve sown enough wild oats to know what I’m talking about); we always seemed to have a truly fantastic relationship — I really thought he was The One.

After he graduated from college (I’m a year older) we broke up for awhile while he moved to the west coast, but he came back after a few months because he decided that our relationship was more important than whatever he was going to do out there and that he was probably just going through a commitment freaking-out phase. Silly me, I thought this was OK and let him move into my new house.

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn advises a widower who is Laying a Lot on the Line. He is in the process of moving closer to his long distance love, but starting to feel their relationship change, perhaps because of it.

She says she loves me, but recently, every time we talk I end up calling her and she rarely calls me now. The past few nights I haven’t even received as much a “good night” text message from her.

Is this a hiccup more than a red flag? Should he call off the movers? Read the full letter and Lynn’s answer at Happen, then come back here and comment below!

According to the US Census Bureau, there were 500,000 couples living together in 1970; now there are more than 3.7 million. Slightly more than half of adults in their 20s and 30s have lived with a squeeze. Why such a dramatic rise? Factors may include: economic necessity, relaxation of taboos, increased desire to freak out parents.

But more important than the question of why couples love-shack is this: what happens when they do?

Two recent studies offer some concrete answers.

1. A Penn State study found that cohabiters are less enthusiastic about marriage than those who live with their parents. Now, before you say, “Duh, I’d marry The Grinch to get out of living at home!” allow me to finesse this finding. Point is: living together actually caused couples to get less psyched about getting married. Now, before you say, “Duh, ’cause they realize they’d be marrying the Grinch!”let me further finesse. They don’t get less psyched about each other; they get less psyched about marrying each other — and more psyched about keeping things the way they are.

2. Just last month, a Bowling Green (Ohio) State University study presented to the American Sociological Association found that in some cases, moving in can get you down. Of the couples studied, the measure of “life satisfaction” was highest for married couples and next-highest for couples who lived together two years or less (that is, until marriage or breakup). Whose “life satisfaction” was at rock bottom? Long-term live-ins . Huh. And notably, cohabiting women with kids were significantly more depressed than married mothers. Sociologist Susan Brown surmises that what’s behind these blues is the wear and tear of, if you will, the relationship’s permanent impermanence.

Now that I reread them, I see that putting these studies together in close quarters underscores their trivial differences. Funny, that. But anyway, what we can distill from both of them — and from pretty common credence — is this: living together does not necessarily work as a dress rehearsal for marriage. How come? Well, for one thing, you’ve said “I do” only to the landlord, not to each other; there’s always – in theory –– a relatively easy out (unless you live in Manhattan, where the only way to get a good place is to marry a landlord). It’s NOT the same.

But I’m not telling you not to live together, I’m just telling you not to do it as a dry-run. Do it because you can’t stand to go one minute in the morning without seeing each other. Do it because you’re totally committed to each other and aren’t interested in the institution of marriage. Do it because your housemates have already turned your room into a study, anyway. Okay?

Other than that, BG does not have a particular pro or con position on living together — she prefers to evaluate your lovenests on a place-to-place basis. Just a couple more things to note, though, as you load up the U-Haul of love: (1) your cohabitation will make it approximately 89% more difficult for your friends to find worthwhile wedding presents, and (2) make no mistake: even if you live in the same room, you will still email each other. Oh, and if you’re looking for someone to live with, consider attending the next social at the Brotherhood of Carpenters and Joiners. They sound rather handy.

A version of this column was originally published on September 7, 1998.

Undecided on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hey I have one important question. It is a really hard one at that! I have been with this guy Brian for a month now!! I love him a lot but my ex came back!! Me and my ex were best friends for three years and went out for six months!! He treated me really bad while we were going out!! But he came back and says he still loves me and wants me back!! Now I am torn between my first love and my new love! It is really killing me! Please help me!! I love Brian but me and Scott went through a lot! I am afraid I still have feelings for him!! But Brian is so respectful and really cares!! I don’t really know if Scott does!! Please don’t tell me to follow my heart, I need better advice!! THANK YOU!!

— Brooke

Dear Brooke,

Okay, follow your brain.

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Hint: reread your letter.
P.P.S. Hint: BRIAN.

Love and loss on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Today my girlfriend got an abortion. We had talked about it and both agreed that it was the lesser of two evils, the other being pregnancy. We are both young and I will be going away to college in the fall. I went to the clinic and sat with my g/f in the OR while the procedure was going on. Then on the drive home I began to feel a sense of loss, despair. I thought that I had prepared myself, I was more worried about my g/f’s emotions. But I had forgotten about myself.

I want to be strong but it’s very hard for me especially with the added stress of my leaving and being 2 hours away.

The questions are:

1) How have male partners dealt with abortion in the past?

2) Would I be a bastard to break up with my g/f after she has had time to get over the abortion?

Thank you.

— James

BG’s advice after the jump

Caught in a trap on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

TRUST, OR BETRAYAL ???

My girl of 15 months went to a conference 5-6 hours drive away. She left Tuesday and was supposed to be back late Thursday night or Friday depending on how much money she had left. We were trying to sort through our problems at the time. Her ex-husband and former “soulmate” lived in the city where she was going. We talked about that. She assured me that it was completely over 4 years ago, and that their only contact would be when she dropped off (on arrival) and picked up (at departure) their 7-year-old child. She also has a 16-year-old from another man. She is in her mid 30’s.

Wednesday night she had already checked out of the hotel where the conference was at, and where she was supposed to be staying, when I called her. The hotel said she checked out at noon. I had last talked to her at 2 or 3 PM. She did not tell me that she had checked out. She did not come home Wednesday night. Thursday she called and left me a message, in reply to my worried queries to the conference coordinator, saying that she had checked into this other hotel Wednesday night. Her message also said that she loves me. She did not try to reach me at home later or set a time to chat. She did not come home Thursday night. I left her messages.

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