Desperately single on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I need to whine, and I think this might be the best (most constructive) place for it. I’m having a really hard time being single at age 35! I feel so isolated lately. I live alone, in a town that’s very popular with 20-somethings. Most of my friends are married, engaged, living or completely involved with their significant others. Ditto for my co-workers, who are also much older than I am, so there’s no social action there. I do belong to a gym, but that’s yet to produce any dates. I join groups, I go to networking events, I get out, but I am BURNED OUT on the search! I even tried the personals. I haven’t had a date since December, and I don’t see any prospects on the horizon. Let me add that I am very attractive, spirited, smart, and warm. I wonder — is there anybody else out there suffering from the 30-something dry spell? What is a girl to do? I’m actually thinking of trying to find a bartending or waitressing job, just so I can meet and flirt with some men again! This situation is crazy! Any insight!?

— Ann

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn helps a gal who’s Stuck after six months of dating. She likes this guy, but wonders if the amount of feelings she has are enough…

He is an amazing man, one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. He’s got so many of the qualities I’ve been hoping for, but I’m still having issues with “that feeling.”

Is Stuck in love with the kind of guy he is, or the guy himself? How much of a relationship is getting everything we want and how much is settling? Lynn tackles the 80/20 rule and more in this weeks letter at Happen Magazine.

Starting doubts young on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hi. I am 14 years old and even though I shouldn’t worry about guys, I do. Right now I have a boyfriend. This is the second time I have gone “out” with him. He told me that he never thought he was good enough for me, and to his and my dismay, I am starting to believe it. My friends say he isn’t good enough for me, too, and that I could do much better. Complete and utter strangers that I have never seen before in my entire life tell me I could do much better. I want to follow my heart and do what my heart tells me. But I am not sure exactly what my heart is saying. Even though I am only 14 and probably insignificant to you adults, please help!

— Young, Naive, and Confused

Dear YNC,

Okay, first of all, you are hardly insignificant. In fact, teens and adults pretty much have the same problems; it’s just that teens have them in smaller units of time (e.g. “I am hopelessly in love with my girlfriend of three days;” “It’s 3:15:29 and he hasn’t called since 2:47:31 — should I dump him?”). A grownup would have written a letter with your exact question after, like, eleven years.

Anyway, your question. Um, were you a guest on a daytime talk show? That’s the only way Breakup Girl can fathom total strangers telling you your boyfriend’s not good enough (“Girl, toss that chicken dinner and get yourself a winner!”). To be sure, this whole “good enough” thing is risky, highly subjective territory, but if, like, the whole town is turning out to give you their opinion, maybe there’s something to it. Never mind the strangers, ask your friends: “What do you guys mean, not good enough? I need specifics.” Then listen. To them and to your heart.

Love,
Breakup Girl

In honor of the occasion, this week Breakup Girl is posting advice letters that highlight some of the essential themes in our nation’s presidential history, especially those embodied by those great leaders we honor today.

What are the principles governing dating? How have the “rules” been amended? Two letters from people seeking to form more perfect unions.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m in the process of ending a four-year relationship (ten years together overall). Due to severe heartache, I’m not looking for a more serious relationship. However, should there be an occasion where I agree to date someone from time to time, I’d like to know the “rules” of the game. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the dating scene. What are the rules these days? Are women supposed to let men make the first move/call/email? Are women supposed to play hard to get? Dating was much different when I was 18!

— Joy

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been divorced one year, and I’m totally confused about “dating in the 90s.” (I’m bald, average looks, late 40s, overweight.) I don’t know what is expected of men today. Do you have any advice on: meeting single women, asking them out, phone calls, dinner, movies, cards or flowers, kissing, sex, week-end trips, over-nighters, and looks?

— Lost in the Midwest

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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been married for two years. I have a child of six months. My husband works a job where he is gone long hours. He expects me to stay at home and clean all the time while he gallivants after work to a bar or to drink at a friend’s house. He thinks he doesn’t have to give up any money from his paycheck so that he can have a “slush fund” for himself. I am really upset with his attitude toward our family life. Should we talk about separation?

— M

Dear M,

Yep.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Dear Breakup Girl,

Thanks for telling it like it is! You have a lot of heart too.

My question is simple but not easy. My boyfriend and I have been dating for the past few months and we are already talking about moving so we can live in the same city. Unfortunately, he is in Chicago for the next two years because he just started his own business and I am living in L.A. right now.

We met in a museum in San Diego while he was on a business trip and I was out having a good time by myself after getting hurt by a dumbass ex-boyfriend. I have no money and he is offering to help me move sooner by helping me financially. I have always been a “pay my own way” kind of girl and want to work the money up myself over the next year.

However, it is excruciating (!) to consider being apart for another year. We are very in love already, he is 26 and I am 27 and we are thinking of marriage in the next few years. I intend to have my own place when I move to Chicago since I also believe in not living together until you are at least engaged (!). I love him to pieces and vice versa! We just want to be together, but I feel there is a principle here that I don’t want to break. He doesn’t see any problem with helping me move sooner. What do you think, Breakup Girl?

— Languishing in LA

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Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been going out with the same guy for about nine months….including the time we weren’t actually “going out,” just messing around/while I was “cheating” on my long-distance love, and so much has happened since I met him that I don’t know what to think or do or anything.

I care deeply about him, I love him, blah blah blah…but my parents hate him and want me to dump him and have for a while now. I can’t even talk to him on the phone without them turning it into a huge issue involving lectures and comparisons to various evil figures in history. My Dad insists he’s seen a pattern in many men, and that my guy is in the early stages of what is likely to become an abusive relationship.

My guy is mean to me sometimes, but we’ve been getting along better lately, even though I sometimes want to kill him….see, I’m lost! He’s so cute and I laughed my butt off at your comment, “I never want to see you again…unless you’re wearing those jeans,” because that is SO true about how I feel sometimes. I’ve broken up with him before, tried to other times, and he starts to cry and whine and make me feel awful. I hate that!

So, I guess my question is, should I break up with him, how can I do it without being mean, and what the hell am I supposed to do since I still love him? And his clothes…I don’t want to give them back! Okay, that’s all, I suppose…please help!

— Vera

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(But Sometimes I Can Leave Stuff Out)

Dear Breakup Girl,

I can’t figure out how to tell my boyfriend I want to break up without hurting his feelings. He has really bad breath, aggravates me about if I like him or not (which I did until he annoyed me with the question too much), and he wears makeup to cover acne (he thinks I can’t tell, I guess). What to do?

— Darlene

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Dear Breakup Girl,

My fiance and I recently split. I did the deed, as he became at first distant, then emotionally abusive, then completely absent in body and soul. I’ve returned my wedding dress, sold my wedding ring (I paid for it, I can sell it), and am in therapy. So what’s my problem? He still lives in the building I’ve inhabited for nearly 14 years. We rented separate studio apartments, and when we were together, one was our bedroom, one our living area. He has no plans to leave the building. We no longer speak. I don’t know whether to leave, stay and get over him, or send hate mail. What would you do?

— Deborah

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