Negotiating the peace on April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I happened upon your site the morning after my girlfriend dumped me. Your advice columns (and seeing that “I’m not the only one”) have really helped me through this. I hadn’t been in any kind of romantic relationship for four or five years before this one, and I was pretty broken up about the whole thing. But now I can almost sit back a little and think about it. One of the things my ex said in her “can I talk to you” talk was that (of course) “its not you, its me”, and “we can still be friends.” Not having had this work for me at all in the past (the friend-afterwards part) I don’t know how to try and make it work. I’d really like to be friends (and not just friendly, as a coworker mentioned most of his “let’s be friends” relationships went), but I just don’t know how to make that work.

I think my ex has done a lot to help the process, by listening to me a couple of times I’ve wanted to talk/vent, and by being very understanding of my need to talk with her at times. The result is that I don’t despise or hate her, like I have with other exes, and from what I can gather and what I feel, this is a good start to some sort of “friend”-based relationship.

So is there any thing I can do to help facilitate this friend (re)building process? I know that I’m not completely “over her” yet, and I don’t want to seem like I’m too attached. I think she may have already moved on to someone new, and I don’t want
to get in the way. So how do I go about making sure she knows that I am (will be) available for a friend, but not give her the wrong idea, or affect her current relationship (if any)?

— Chris

(more…)

Eternal questions from April 20, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Staying friends: mature or masochistic? My ex wants very much for us to be friends, and I’m a little torn over it. I can’t imagine not seeing or speaking to him. It would be like cutting off a limb. But I’m finding myself still hanging on his calls and e-mails. If I don’t hear from him for a week I get upset. Some of my friends think I should just take a breather from him, but I really want to stay in touch, and I have lots of friends who have nice Jerry/Elaine things with their exes. The other thing is that he left me to go back to his previous girlfriend, who he’s still with. So right now, I don’t think there’s much chance of us getting back together, much as I might dream. I also know that it always takes me a while to get over people whether I see them or not. Do you think I’m torturing myself unnecessarily?

— Lilygirl

Dear Lilygirl,

Yep. What you are pursuing right now is not friendship, it’s I Can’t Believe He’s Not My Boyfriend. Of course you can’t imagine not seeing or speaking to him right now; I mean, he was your boyfriend — I imagine you’d gotten kinda used to seeing and speaking to him. But listen, we have to be really careful about what “friends” means after a breakup … and about the best way to get there. Advice for everyone:

(more…)

A part-time lover from April 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have the biggest crush and the feelings seem to be mutual — at least they are on weekends. When I see him during the week he ignores me and acts like we don’t even know each other. The problem is that when the weekend rolls around he calls, we make plans, and become physical. I believe that he’s using me, but mutual friends tell me that he really likes me. In a way I know that what I’m doing is wrong, but I just can’t bring myself to turn him down. My question is: Is he just using me, or is he just shy? What should I do?

— Katie

Dear Katie,

Yo. You are not an AT&T cell phone. As in free weekend service.
Hang it up.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Signs of trouble on April 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating this guy now for one and a half years as of tomorrow. I am truly in love with him and my heart aches when we are away from each other. The one problem is that it seems that he doesn’t have the same feelings anymore. He feels that we should treasure the time we have together no matter if it is with his friends (which it always is) or on the phone for ten minutes. I do not consider this quality time. He feels that he needs time with his friends (which he does) but he spends every night of the week from way before I get there to after I leave. On the weekends his friends are always there. Day and night, I have no idea when he gets to sleep. In order for us to have sex we have to go to his room where his friends are on the other side of the wall and can hear everything that is going on.

(more…)

Good friends from April 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve got a friend, Wayne. Wayne right now is kinda coasting through life — never left home, still working on that Bachelors for 12 years now. Unemployed. Anyway, we set him up for dates and it never works out. Wayne hangs out with one older woman, but he doesn’t want to date her because he thinks she’s too messed up! We’re Wayne’s best friends and we are concerned. How can we get Wayne socially ready for dating?

— Exasperated

Dear Exasperated,

BG thinks it’s kind of cute when she sees those personal ads (research!) that are like PLEASE DATE OUR EXCELLENT FRIEND WHO’S TOO SHY TO PLACE THIS AD. Fine. In your case, though, I gotta ask: Wayne may still be working on his Bachelors … but have you done all your research? As in, does Wayne want to date? If not, no amount of charm- or clue school will land him a Betty.

Also, are you trying to fix Wayne up, or fix Wayne? Look, I get that you’re genuinely concerned about a friend; I totally know what you’re talking about. But the way you speak about him — well, you’re not, as they say, coming from a very positive place. Write and tell me about how great he is; then we’ll talk.

Love,
Breakup Girl

A classy trip on April 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was riding on the bus with this guy back from a school trip to DC. He sat with me, we held hands, and he tried to go up my shirt. His friends sat behind us and were talking about what we were doing and they were teasing him after the restroom break. Now I’m afraid that he’ll betray me and that my whole reputation will go down the drain as a whore. Why do the guys always blame the girls?

— Alise

Dear Alise,

DC is a really, really good place to ask that question.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS. But seriously, here’s your civics assignment: read my rant about double standards. You’re right: it is totally no fair that his going up your shirt should (if it did) affect anyone’s “reputation,” let alone just one of yours. Listen, sweetie, try your best to stay above it all. And to have guys’ hands stay above your shirt in public places. It’s not your fault. I’m just saying.

S.N.A.F.U. on April 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Cindy and I lived together, off and on (due to the Military) for two and a half years. About six months ago I told her that I wanted to move out and live on my own. It wasn’t because I didn’t love her; I just felt like I was losing my own self. Well I went away for a month in October, and when I got back we finally broke up. The problem is that I still love her. She says that she loves me, but doesn’t trust me. I understand this, and I also understand how much I hurt her. But I love her with all my heart and she’s the only one for me. I try to make some excuse for either seeing her, or talking to her, every day. That’s really not hard to do, since we have a dog together, and I guess we kind of share joint custody. She seems to get really annoyed with me some times, and when I ask her if she can see us having a future together again, she says she doesn’t know. This is from someone who wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and someday have kids. I don’t want to be with anyone else, and I feel like I’m empty with out her. But am I fooling myself? Should I just give up and go on with my life? Or is there some hope for me? I know that I’m not perfect, and have some major flaws in my personality. But if you really love someone, shouldn’t you be able to over look those flaws?

— KC

(more…)

A quick answer from April 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I went out with this girl once and whenever I try and ask her out again, she always makes a grossed-out face and walks away before I even go up to her! I don’t know what to consider that other date since she hasn’t said anything about it. What does this all mean?

— Ji

Dear Ji —

I think she’s doing The Rules! Go for it!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Big-hearted on April 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I don’t think that anyone in this whole entire universe could understand how I feel right now. You see, I’m 14, and there’s is this boy I’m so in love with. (We’ll call him Z.) I’ve liked him ever since he moved here seven months ago. Then he started going out with this other girl, who I’m sorta friends with.

Oh Breakup Girl! My heart is so broken. I cry myself to sleep every single night. I’m the only one in my whole group of friends without a boyfriend? What’s wrong with me? I can’t be that bad! I swear, if those boys just gave me a CHANCE, I could be the best girlfriend. Nothing works. My heart is so big and loving, yet no one loves me. I’m so lonely.

As for Z, well, I really can’t get over this. When I asked him out in the beginning of the year he said no because he didn’t know me that well. But he didn’t know the girl he’s going out with now AT ALL! It’s not fair. I truly LOVE him, with all my little shattered heart, I love him. I can hardly sleep, eat, or anything. I would do anything…anything for him to just love me. I know it sounds crazy, but we were meant to be. I saw them hug and I went bawling. It kills me. )=

Please help me. I don’t even love myself, all I do is pretend…pretend to be happy. I’m glad me and Z are friends, but I love him. I don’t know what to do….I wish I could just tell him, but then his girlfriend would be soo mad at me. I’m so nice — i swear, I could really love him….if I just got a chance– ya know?

Why does no one give me chance? Why should I have to be so lonely? What should I do? It’s so hard to face him. I just wish he could love me the way I love him.

— Big Heart

(more…)

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn tries to help Grounded Girl achieve liftoff with the new guy in town who is a sightseeing pilot, despite the fact that she is afraid to fly.

When he sees me in town, he turns his truck headlights on and honks and waves. He has sent so much attention my way. I always smile and act friendly and happy to see him. Why doesn’t he call and ask to take me out?

Why doesn’t she make the first move? What’s she really afraid of? Read the full advice over at Happen, then share your thoughts below!