The opposite of sex on February 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Do you think it’s possible for someone in a serious/committed relationship to be close friends with someone of the opposite sex? Based on my own personal feelings and experience, I don’t think so. I argued a lot with my girlfriend of almost three years about this, yet she always assured me that the guys she hung out with were “just friends.” Well, I put up with it, until she finally cheated on me with one of them. Do you think it’s too much to ask of a girlfriend to not have guy friends? Personally, I don’t think it’s possible for a guy and a girl to be “just friends.” I mean, all of my relationships have started out as a friendship first…

— The Man

(more…)

There are some situations in which Breakup Girl sticks firmly to her double standards. Examples:

• Good music. I conveniently forget that the Godfather of Soul is the Mother of all Wife-Beaters.
• Yum! I turn up my nose at milk-fed veal, but my bare hands have gleefully brought death and dismemberment to countless Maine lobsters.
• Statements, fashion and otherwise. War is bad, but my 82nd Airborne-surplus Corcoran paratrooper boots are good.

Basically, double standards occur when someone adheres both to a principle and also to a big fat self-serving exception to that principle. And usually, the big fat self-serving exception means that someone (wives, lobsters, civilians) gets dealt a lousy hand. That’s how BG describes it, but just to make this official, let’s have a look at the definition of double standard in Breakup Girl’s American Heritage Dictionary (a high school graduation gift from an ex-boyfriend, who like all of her high school boyfriends, is now married with child. See also “harsh.”):

"double standard, n. A set of principles permitting greater opportunity or liberty to one than to another, esp. the granting of greater sexual freedom to men than to women."

Aha. So Breakup Girl has backup when she says: Guys. Cut it out. All of you.

Boys/men: No fair expecting girls/women not to do or have done anything you would do or have done. (Also see “madonna/whore complex”.)

Girls/women: No fair letting boys/men treat you like milk-fed veal.

Breakup Girl is about to go After-School Special on you, but listen up: respect each other’s — and your own — actions, choices, and dumb mistakes. If you feel like someone is doing something mean and lousy to you, get up offa that thing and call them on it. If you feel like someone is getting away with some bad behavior by flashing some fake “that’s how men/women are supposed to be” license, call them on it. Realize that in relationships, these boy/girl double standards are, deep down, all about (more After-School Special words) insecurity and self-esteem. As in, “If she looks at another guy, she might not like me!” As in “If I call him on his double standards, he might not like me!” (Or, worse, “Wow, he won’t let me look at another guy — he must really like me!)

So, basically, Breakup Girl is allowed to have double standards, and you’re not.

Every day this week we will showcase an advice letter on this theme. Call it the “Daily Double Standard!”

Too much information on February 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was in a relationship for almost a year and it finally ended last week. It has had ups and downs, breakups and reunions so many times that I cannot remember the numbers. I love him very much, but he cannot live with my past (which really isn’t shady at all!). When he was asking me some very personal and unnecessary questions, I lied to him for fear of losing him. The truth came out. For five months, we have been trying to work through this, him accepting my past (three other men) and the fact that I lied to him; I’ve been trying to move on from his insults. Last week, he told me he couldn’t stop thinking about my “mistakes” and he wanted to see other people. I should be happy to be free from the arguments, but I’m not. I love and only want to be with him. I go to a very small school, so his presence and any girl he takes home are always near. I don’t want to sit in or go out anymore on weekends. How can I go out and deal with the fact he’s with other girls, ones who are in the place where I want to be? Breakup Girl, I obviously can’t change the past, but my future seems in peril! I wish he would accept the past and that I love him. Instead, he’s thrown me away like yesterday’s garbage! HELP!

— Discarded and Depressed

(more…)

Tongue-tied on February 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am seeing this guy and I like him so much that I have a hard time talking to him. I get my words mixed up and if I say anything I feel so stupid. I can talk to him on the phone but something happens to me when I try to talk to him in person and I feel like its making him lose interest. HELP ME!!!!

— Sally

Dear Sally,

Ooooh, is it David Duchovny? Because when Breakup Girl talks to David Duchovny — well, that one time when she talked to him (BG is not making this up) — the same thing happened! I like him so much that I said something really stupid! Which I really think is why he lost interest!

But in your case, no matter who the guy is, here’s what I’m worried about: excited-love-jitters are great — they’re fun, and they should never wear off completely. But they really shouldn’t get in the way every time. And problem is, now, you’re nervous about being nervous. So Sally, consider this: anyone you’re “seeing” should be someone you’re comfortable with. Someone with whom you feel smart, not stupid. Someone whom you feel you’ve got something to say to, and who likes what you have to say. If this particular match doesn’t fit that description, speak up and find one that does.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Taking the leap on February 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a perfectly attractive, intelligent, successful, and talented young lady in my early 20s. I am also incredibly shy and so, I never got into the whole dating/relationship scene (yes, I am for real!). So I have a couple of questions: 1) Is it too late for me now, since everyone else has at least 7 or 8 years on me of experience? And does my delay mean there is something inherently wrong with me? 2) How do I go about it now that I’m out of the high school/college scene and working? I’ve just moved to a new city and know absolutely no one! and 3) is it even worth it after all the horror stories I keep hearing in your advice columns? These are three mysteries of life I’ve been pondering for a while now and can’t seem to find anyone else who can answer them.

— A Basket Case in C

Dear Basket Case,

You do realize, of course, that the people with all this “experience” are the same people with all the “horror stories.”

You’ll be fine.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Cutting bait on February 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating the same guy for eight years and we have both been faithful to each other religiously. He says that he loves me. The only problem is that I can’t seem to get him to commit to our relationship (I mean marriage). I’m not getting any younger (I’m 28), and I want babies! Any advice?

— Cameo

Dear Cameo,

This is easy for Breakup Girl (who is older than not getting any younger) to say, but here it is: walk. I don’t mean that you should say, “I’m walking out if you don’t commit! Look at me! Here I go! Yoo-hoo! I’m walking! I am so walking sort of near that door! Waaaaalking! Watch me go…!” I also don’t mean walk out the door, and then walk by his house ten minutes later to see if he’s committed “yet.” I mean: walk.

What, does Breakup Girl believe that a relationship ain’t no thing if it ain’t got that ring? No. Does she want to promote the stereotype that a girl’s best friend is all a woman wants, needs, and hopes for? No. I’m just going with what you’re telling me: that marriage and babies are what you want, and that they may not, alas, be available in your current (eight-year!) relationship. You can’t get him to commit; go get what you want with someone who wants the same thing. And the thing is — I hesitate to say this, because I am in NO way advocating game-playing — but, well, when you walk, this guy just might realize that he is that someone.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Cohabits die hard on February 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I live with my boyfriend of three years and something happened two months ago that he totally misread and now he won’t even talk to me. He told me it is over but has made no plans to move out. He sleeps on the couch, I got the bed. He won’t have anything to do with me and I just don’t get it. I have done everything humanly possible to make him see that I love him and want this to work out for the long haul. He says it is over. I feel that if he wants it over so bad he should be the one to leave. You figure he would be sick of sleeping on the couch. I want to get on with my life. I want to date. If he does not want me I feel that I should be able to find someone who does. How so I make him see that he has got to go so that I may actually have a shot of getting over him and moving on?

— Confused in Bethesda

Dear Bethesda,

Um, it’s going to be kind of hard to “date” with your ex-boyfriend on the couch. Start packing. Your stuff.

Love,
Breakup Girl

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that sometimes you’ll find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego, who is not the one in the picture — over at Happen.

1. Like today! Here, we read the plea of Just Want to Move On, who … well, you know. Trick is, the ex in question was not exactly a catch. So why is she still hooked? Read her Q and Lynn’s A, and then come back here to comment.

2. Also new: double trouble. My boyfriend hates my twin! As always, then dish about it here.

I have a confession to make. I am a text-holic. And now that I have unlimited  messaging on my iPhone, I have made it my mission to get my money’s worth. I use it to send quick messages to people I don’t really want to talk to. I use it to convey important information when talking on the phone isn’t practical. (i.e. “Movie starts @ 7:15. See u there,” from staff meeting) And I use it to flirt.

Clearly I’m not alone. At least, you know, not in one sense. Text-flirting is sufficiently popular — and landmine-laden — to have spawned not only the unseemly neologism “flirtexting,” but also the book Flirtexting: How to Text Your Way to His Heart and more Web sites than you can shake a rotary phone at.

But of all the tips available — including these new ones from Your Tango — the most important is this: Do not text while under the influence. I have sent out more mortifying texts than I care to remember.

Fortunately, friends don’t let friends text tipsy. My roommate has actually taken to giving me her phone at the start of a girl’s night out with the admonishment, “No matter how hard I beg for this back. DO NOT GIVE IT TO ME!” It’s the same category of bad as drunk dialing, only somehow so much worse as it’s down in the written word, memorialized for all the world to see, and undeniable in the sober light of morning. And likely full of typos.

Love at first sight on February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This might sound weird, but I think I fallen in love with someone I saw on T.V. It has been almost 6 months and I still can’t get her off of my mind. I went onto the internet to find some information on her and that was a huge mistake because I found out that we have A LOT in common and I think we could be great together. It isn’t the fact that she is beautiful becuase I could name ten more beautiful women. I must sound like a crazy fan here but I feel like I’m linked to a person I don’t even know. If I didn’t believe in love at first sight then I do now. I could go on to say soul mate and true love but at this point that would be foolish, who knows maybe that will be thinking in three more months of going through this. Could you please help me? I have no clue what to do and it’s driving me crazy.

— Going Crazy

Dear Crazy,

Oooh, ooh, was it me? Wait, that wouldn’t make sense (“ten more beautiful women,” yada yada yada). But listen, Crazy, I’m not about about to call you crazy, ’cause you know what? Breakup Girl’s crush on David Duchovny goes far, far beyond the “ohmigodhe’ssuchaHUNK” thing. I mean, I really, honestly think we’d be great together. And to tell you the truth, our relationship really hasn’t changed all that much since he got married. Anyway, point is, I kind of understand how you feel. But I also — well, let’s just say it’s not like I’m waiting for David. I mean, I think he and I could have something real, but I’m not treating it as such. And that’s the distinction you’re going to have to make. Gaze at her picture; heck, send her fan mail if you want … but only between dates with women you’ve actually met.

Love,
Breakup Girl