Studying vibeology on January 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m a 19-year-old guy who has never had a girlfriend. I admit, I’m a bit dorky. I’m a computer engineer at NJIT, plus I’m short (5′ 5″) and skinny (115 lbs.) and not good-looking. However, I’m a gentleman, caring, kind, decent amount of money, non-drinker, non-smoker, hard worker, and intelligent. Okay. I’m sure I sound like an even bigger loser now, but is there anything I can do to get girls to notice or maybe even like me? What exactly do girls look for in guys? Thanks.

— Leery

 
Dear Leery,

I AM NOT SAYING YOU’RE UNATTRACTIVE. But I’m not gonna lie to you: you are going to have a harder time with Step One (Being Noticed). Societal standards of beauty, yada yada yada. And women — just like men — do tend to notice looks first (except in cyber-encounters, in which case they notice…fonts). AND women — just like men — have been known to do dumb things just because of how they feel about how someone looks.

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A foreign occupation landing January 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met a girl 10 years younger than me about three weeks before being sent to Bosnia with the military. She moved into my apartment and is taking care of all my affairs. I have found that she drives me up the wall and I know for a fact that she isn’t the one for me. However, she has our marriage and life all planned out. I have tried to get her to understand that she doesn’t even know who I am, but she says she will change her whole life just to please me. I hate this and I really would like to hear what you — as a super-female — would do?

— GI John

 
Dear GI John,

Gals, just a tip: if your man would rather be in Bosnia than at home with you, you two need to talk.

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Am I the only one who finds this “Love Sic” advice kind of beautiful?

So lost without you, on January 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been in love with my girlfriend for the past four years and am still very much in love with her. Unfortunately, she has decided she is no longer in love with me. We have lived together for the entire time; now we are apart for the first time. She is my whole life. How in the heck am I supposed to fall out of love with her?

— Rich, Lost in Love

Dear Lost in Love,

Oh, Rich. If Breakup Girl had to answer only one letter this week — this month, this year — it might well be yours. Your question speaks for all dumpees, ever.

On the other hand, Breakup Girl secretly wishes she could yell at her intern for losing your letter. That’s because (a) she wishes she had an intern, and (b) now that you’ve raised the eternal question, she hesitates to say that she has no easy answers.

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Not paying attention on January 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
How do you know if a guy likes you or not?
–Julie

Dear Julie,
Who remembers?
Oh, you mean “likes you.”
Love, 
Breakup Girl

Ask Lynn, Breakup Girl’s alter ego’s advice column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com), is now being updated monthly rather than weekly. Now, you’ll get two new letters at the start of each month. This month’s theme seems to be communication and the weirdness thereof:

1. He Loves Me Not? writes in because when she told her boyfriend of three months “I love you” he answered her … with the sound of crickets. But does what we say — or don’t say — always reflect how we feel? Discuss…

2. Rubbed The Wrong Way has cause to be for all the mixed signals she’s getting from an ex-boyfriend who’s regretting the breakup–but only sometimes.

Remember my rant about manners? Here — out of courtesy — I’ll spare you the trouble of clicking all the way back and just repeat I said: by “manners” I don’t mean complicated fork systems and all the other stilted stuff they do in “Titanic.” I mean bottom-line respect, graciousness, civility. See, Hillary Clinton consults Eleanor Roosevelt; Breakup Girl consults Miss Manners (who, she hastens to add, is very much alive and well). Although the popularity of yoga seems to have made New Yorkers a tad less snappish, I do agree with the magnificent Miss M. that the decline of polite, dignified, respectful behavior has contributed to the decline of society at large and of romantic relationships – as well as to the rise of ickiness in breakups. Reminds me of a passage from Patricia Wells’ divine book Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. When the daughter complains to her mom that she “doesn’t know how to love,” her mom responds: “Good God, child! … Do you think any of us know how to love? … Do you think anybody would ever do anything if they waited until they knew how to love? … Forget love. Try good manners.”

Don’t take that “forget love” thing literally. Here’s the point: don’t ask yourself: “What bad behavior will love — or lack thereof — excuse right now?” Ask yourself: “What good manners make this whole mess a little easier for everyone right now?”

The instances of tackiness that appear below — highlighted in blue — speak for themselves: listen to them.

Oh, and you third-party bystanders/confidants are not exempt: just for the record, secretly tape-recording a lovelorn friend’s phone conversations and turning them over to a Washington attorney is tacky.

The Tacky Factor Day! Tackiness highlighted in blue…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I had this wonderful relationship with a …well, a jerk now, but at the time I thought he was great. We were even discussing marriage (obviously, not very seriously). On our eight-month anniversary, he called me at work and broke up with me. We exchanged stuff, and all was quiet for six months, until just a little while ago on my birthday. He drove by my house to put a birthday card in my mailbox. My question is: why didn’t he mail it, especially since I live an hour and a half away from him? The only message inside was “Happy Birthday,” scribbled, and his signature. Should I call him, or just leave him be? Explain this situation to me, Breakup Girl!

— Zoe

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The Tacky Factor Day! Tackiness highlighted in blue…

Dear Breakup Girl,

When my boyfriend and I broke up, he said that we would always be friends and that for the rest of the school year he wouldn’t go out with anyone. We haven’t talked since — and now he is going out with one of my good friends! What should I do? I want to be friends with him, but he broke a promise.

— Kayleigh

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The Tacky Factor Day! Tackiness highlighted in blue..

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am a 36-year-old woman who’s seeing this guy, 30, for about two months. I saw him last on a Sunday evening and I called him on the following Tuesday evening but did not get a return call. I have called him several times and asked him to call me and asked what happened. What did I do? I‘ve even seen him at a bar and he totally ignored me. It has been a little over a month now and I have heard nothing. From your experiences, what would you say happened? I realize I’m better off but hate the feeling of being ignored for no reason.

–Janet

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