One of our all-time faves from January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Why my best friend (is a boy) don’t like me but I love her. GOODBYE. (I am a French girl.)

Kiss.

— Aurelie

French Girl, step away from the hermaphrodite!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Getting down to basics on January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How do I french-kiss a girl? I need exact steps on how to do it because I’m going out with this girl I met and I don’t want to act stupid not knowing how to french-kiss her. Can you please help me?

— Jason

Dear Jason,

Not really, but there’s someone I think you ought to meet.

Love,
Breakup Girl

High school drama from January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I really like this guy who dumped me like three months ago. And I asked him why and I got like five different answers. I don’t know which one to believe. And I really like him a lot. I tried to ask him out personally, but I chickened out and had someone else do it. He just says no or drops the subject or something. Someone asked him why he wouldn’t go back out with me and his answer was “Because…just because. I gotta go.” How should I go about getting him back? Or should I just forget about him (which would be pretty hard)?
— Confused

Dear Confused,
Guys, guys, guys: STOP HAVING OTHER PEOPLE ASK PEOPLE OUT/BREAK UP WITH PEOPLE FOR YOU. Also, no notes. These procedure never work accurately or efficiently! I know they are all standard forms of high school dating communication, but if you ask me, they should have gone out with the rotary phone. I bet you the kids on “Dawson’s Creek” don’t do dumb stuff like that! Then again, they’re all dating grownups. But still.
Love,
Breakup Girl

Young ladies, not quite sure of the proper behavior post-deflowerment? Have we got the hilariously droll parody of an etiquette book for you! This 1965 jem by Mel Juffe and Edward Gorey (!) was recently rediscovered through the magic of the internets. Click the picture for its complete posting by Accordion Guy.

The missing piece, from January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
Here’s an easy one for you that baffles the male species: what do women want? I’m a 25-year-old white male, average height and looks, good upbringing, working on a double masters’ program, and seeking someone else … but a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th date is a major accomplishment in my life. What’s up with that? What special bit is missing?
— Smart Ash

Dear Ash,
Easy. To borrow from Regina Barreca, Ph.D. (one of Breakup Girl’s gurus): We want you to give us “emotional, physical, and financial support without making demands that will interfere with our careers/child-raising/bridge game.”
Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. Barreca continues: “And then we wonder why men are skittish.”

Actual source: Perfect Husbands (& Other Fairy Tales): Demystifying Marriage, Men, and Romance

All the good ones are taken, from January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I’ve broken up from my one-year relationship with my girlfriend last April. However, I can’t seem to be able to meet ANYONE single at the moment. It feels like a statistical phenomenon, although I go to parties, clubs and all…everyone I meet is in a relationship, engaged, married or worse. What’s going on? How can I break this vicious cycle?
— Patrick Loveless in Paris

Dear Patrick,
What, do you work for the Rome Tourism Commission or something? Mon dieu, you’ve completely dashed Breakup Girl’s vision of Paris as the world’s most romantic city. Try Flagstaff, I guess.
Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. “Or worse” ?

If a gal realizes she’s in love with her man, should she keep her mouth shut? Over at Salon’s Broadsheet, Sarah Hepola chimes in on the recent CNN/The Frisky post, “Why Women Shouldn’t Say ‘I Love You’ first,” which posits, basically, that dudes can’t handle it. Sarah has a reaction many of us might:

It’s the kind of story that can’t help being irritating: First of all, because it’s a glib service piece in which advice about profound life experiences is shoehorned into a few measly grafs; second of all, because it’s dumb. It’s asinine, right?

Then she emails her guy friends who, with equal doses of articulateness and immaturity, convince her the writer may have a point. One guy friend even looks at the odds:

It’s just statistically less common to hear of girls getting weirded out and bailing on a relationship after the L word, so as a rule of thumb I think it’s fine.

Obviously there will always be special cases — and special guys — but is this basically correct?

Tonz of fun from January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My ex-girlfriend is driving me CrAzY!!! We only went out for two months over this past summer and it was really hard on her when we broke up. It wasn’t easy for me either, but it was tonz harder for her. The reason we broke up is that our friendship seemed to be disappearing, and neither of us wanted that to happen, so we agreed to just be friends.

Well, since we still really liked each other, it wasn’t that easy. She took me to the first Girl’s Choice dance of the year and we had lots of fun, but it led to a major problem. As I already said, we both still liked each other lotz, and we ended up kissing a few times through out the nite.

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Getting over … yourself on January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

A long time ago I went out with this boy. It wasn’t a bad relationship, it wasn’t a good relationship…it was an ugly breakup. After the breakup he actually slept with my best friend (whom I also no longer speak to).

Well, while we were dating he introduced me to many people. One of which I married (less than one year after we broke up). I have been deliriously happy for a number of years and want to put the horrible relationship behind me. I want to contact this old boyfriend and thank him for introducing me to the most wonderful man in the world and apologize for being a bit “bitchy” during the breakup. Is this the stupidest idea I have ever had? Am I looking for closure? Or rubbing it in?

— Katrina

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Not much to add on January 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Great site. I am now going down this road for the millionth time, having just ended a 9-month relationship which was rocky for about half of that time. The man is complex, emotionally damaged, controlling and an intense workaholic. At the same time, we had a lot in common, and had a bond that I have been looking for. He paid little attention to me, but at times we connected very deeply. He started out saying he wanted to make amends for the mistakes of the past (a pickup line I hadn’t heard before!) and that he had been wrong in the past. WOW! I thought I really had found “the one.”

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