Mysterious doings from January 9, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What is the correct thing to do when one has been dating a guy for 9 months, and during the last phone call with the guy, he says, “I will call you tomorrow” — and tomorrow never comes. No fight, no disagreement, no nothing — he is just gone. What would you do?
— Ditched and Dumped

Dear Ditched and Dumped.
I would click here. He has clearly been abducted by aliens. If and when he returns, don’t take him back; he will have a chip implanted in the back of his neck that will mess with his memory of what happened and cause all sorts of trouble. Sorry.
Love,
Breakup Girl

“Muffy is no longer in a relationship with Biff.” It’s the Facebook news feed from hell! On the one hand, it’s an easy way to tell all your friends. On the other, it’s an easy way to tell all your “friends.” And to get one million “What happened?!” messages that you really, really don’t feel like answering.

Wired magazine to the rescue! From this month’s issue: “Next time you split, in the ‘News Feed and Mini-Feed’ section of your profile settings, change ‘In a Relationship’ to the default ‘Select Status.’ But there’s a hitch [or not]: Your ex’s Mini-Feed will display an update in their relationship status, tipping off the gossip hounds…. You have no choice but to ask your former boo to delete it, ASAP.” Sigh. Remember when all it took to finalize a breakup was a really long and drawn-out and painful conversation?

A case of EX-squared from January 5, 1998… 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was seeing this guy for two years and we practically lived with each other. I finally broke things off because we had such different ideas about what life should be like. He and I remained friends and in actuality our relationship continued except we were free to do what we wanted to. His family and I are extremely close and I just spent Christmas at his family’s home. Just recently I met a wonderful man and he and I have everything in common. How do I make my ex understand that I have to move on in order to make my life happy without completely breaking his heart?

–Completely Confused
Dear Completely Confused,

With breakups like these, who needs boyfriends? The we-broke-up-but-we-still-sleep-together arrangement is normally designed to quell separation anxiety and get you through hormone monsoon season. But you’ve also retained family visitation rights! Wow! This is a a new one for Breakup Girl.

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Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). Today, we meet “Curious George,” whose girlfriend apparently pals around a bit with one or two of her exes. Innocently, it seems, but still. “I’ve always believed that an ex is an ex no matter what,” he writes. “Are there any rules as to when it is OK to go out with exes by yourself?”

As a matter of fact, there are! Rule number one being, of course, that the whole point of “grabbing coffee” with an ex is to remind yourself how much happier you are now. Read the rest of the advice to George here — and then come back to comment!

Celebration anxiety from January 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

God, I’m glad you were here for me on a most gloomy day!

A year ago I was dumped by my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years. I loved him so much but he didn’t want to be married as he had already been there, done that. He knew I wanted that and he didn’t. He said, “I’ve met someone that I want to be romantic with.” Like I was some passing fancy! He loved me! Grrr! He also told me that he “didn’t feel paid attention to” — yet he’d never said that before. To top it off, the next Friday night, the NEW GIRL was sleeping over at his house … as I drove by to spy.

Otherwise, I’ve done good, though: not stalked him or her, not sought revenge like the Chocolate Ex-Lax cake I have often dreamt about making, not calling him or her (though I did page him a couple times to no number), not sending him dead flowers or keying his car.

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Broken up about breaking up from December 16, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
What do you suggest for someone who is dealing with the guilt of being the dumper, so they don’t go back to heal the broken heart?
— Scott

Dear Scott,
Splendid question. Breakup Girl has always fought for dump-ers’ rights — to make known the fact that while dumpees have to deal with rejection, loneliness, hurt, etc., dumpers have to deal with the fact that they started it. It’s a rotten feeling, especially in the case of those hideous gray-area, gut-feeling breakups where just because you don’t see yourselves together in forty years doesn’t mean you don’t care.

IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: No matter how much you care, you cannot be the one to help your ex through the breakup you caused.

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A question of timing from December 16, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
Is it best to break up with her when you know it won’t last, just to end it on good terms?
— Jon

Dear Jon,
It’s best to break up with her when you know it won’t last, period. Breakup Girl does not endorse impulsive breakups — hasty, nasty little spasms attributable to moon phases, mood swings, mood rings, and such (as in “I hate the way s/he blinks. It’s over”). Breakup Girl does, however, encourage swift — yet sensible, sensitive — action on breakups waiting (if not begging) to happen, especially if someone might be leading someone on. Still, even a timely jilt does not automatically produce “good terms” — at least not necessarily right away. But you’re on the right track.
Love,
Breakup Girl

Another quickie from December 16, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
How do you get your boyfriend back after he dumped you because his friends don’t like you?
— Heather

Dear Heather,
You don’t. Any boy who would dump you just because his friends don’t like you is no friend of Breakup Girl’s.
Love,
Breakup Girl

Here, your weekly installment of Ask Lynn, BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). Today, we meet “Desperate Non-Housewife,” a full-time medical student whose live-in partner does his laundry twice a week, mops every few days … what’s the problem, you ask?

“I am not a neat person,” Desperate writes, “and I have a hard time cleaning house. I see how this is unfair to him and his daughter…I’m scatterbrained when it comes to these things. This has become an ongoing argument for at least six months. (He always brings it up if we argue about other things, because he knows he is right in at least that department.) How do I deal with this?”

How, indeed? (Hint: Don’t sweep resentment under the rug.) Click here to read more — and remember, if you have questions of your own, please submit them via AskLynn@match.com.

Here — in case anyone’s puzzled by the references to it in the comments — is the current installment of “Ask Lynn,” BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com. We’ll start posting links to the column weekly from here on out. Meanwhile, here’s your teaser for this one:

“I am a 46-year-old woman; I take care of myself, but I do look my age. ‘Cute’ might best describe me. My question? I simply cannot attract a man my age. They’re either 10-20 years older or 10 years younger. This has been happening since I was old enough to date…What’s wrong with me?”

To find out (hint: nothing!) click here.