Kissing and telling on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was wondering if you could tell me the proper way to french kiss because every time me and my boyfriend do this there is spit on faces. What are we doing wrong? Please tell me.

— Teresa

Dear Teresa,

You guys aren’t really doing anything wrong. Where there’s French kissing, there’s also spit, if I remember correctly. But that’s just it: where there’s French kissing. So: just keep tongues in mouths, not on faces. Voila!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Fooling around on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

What’s a good way to tell my sweet, incredible boyfriend that I think he’s beautiful and I adore his body, even though he’s fat, and I’d like the lights on once in a while (nudge nudge, wink wink)?

— In the Dark

Dear Dark,

You pretty much already know, but I’m so glad you asked. How about saying, “Sweet incredible boyfriend, I think you’re beautiful and I adore your body. I love what we do in the dark, but I’d also love to try having the lights on once in a while.What do you think?” If he’s bashful, start with lots of candles (think: that scene in the new “Romeo + Juliet,” except without the death part). Alternatively, you could simply “show, not tell” (nudge nudge wink wink).

See, shy big/beautiful people out there? Saying, confidently, “Here I am!” — as opposed to hiding — is what’s truly hottest of all.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Making a case on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My last letter you actually responded to on the column…it was about the “rhinoceros head “ on the coffee table in the middle of the room. That advice really helped things! Thanks so much. Unfortunately, I’ve got to hit you up again.

The latest and the greatest goes like this. Everything seemed great between me and my law school girlfriend of 2.5 years. After a 4 month long fight, we had an awesome summer traveling, relaxing and spending time with each other. I was ecstatic because for a long time we were teetering on the edge of breakup but always plugged along because we both know our relationship was more unique and stronger than others.

So, I thought that the momentum would follow into her 2nd year of law school. Nope! Nigh 1 month since she started classes again, she’s more stressed than I’ve ever seen her, and she is always picking fights with me. I tried to be understanding, but she’ll start a fight with me and then blame me for upsetting her. I don’t blame her, I think anyone would behave the same way if they were in law school. Law school is EVIL.

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Getting competitive on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I wrote before and got lovely helpful advice about healing my fairly broken heart. Thank you. Now I just kind of want your thoughts on a phenomenon. At work I sit next to an attractive guy named oh, say, Sam. I could go for him, but that’s actually not the point. He just broke up with his girlfriend. He has FOUR DATES this week. Ignore what this says about his reboundness. What does this say about his networking abilities vs. mine? (I’ve had one date, from a party. No click — we went out twice.) In fact, Sam says three of his dates are fixups from friends’ parents. Is there such a shortage of “nice Jewish boys” and an overabundance of me’s? Or is he better at networking?

Well, of course you can’t answer the specifics, because you don’t know either of us, or our families. But what do you think about getting the word out, BG? How does one get into this fixup network?

— Nice Girl

Dear Nice Girl,

Yeah, he’s just better at networking. Either that or some high-speed YentAlert went out, via bulk e-mail or phone tree, when Sam the JM became S.

As for you, start asking around. NOT VIA BULK E-MAIL OR PHONE TREE. Tell select friends (and parents of friends, I guess) that you are looking, and willing to blind-date. People who know you well. People who know lots of other cool people. People, actually, who might know Sam.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Changing his tuna on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been seeing a woman for quite some time (>4 years), but we’ve always had a long distance relationship. We’ve always been up and down, but now that she has followed me to a new city, things have been more down than up. I’ve given her a 2 month “adjustment period,” but I’m still confused. At times I think she’s the one, and at other times I want to check out the rest of the fish in the pool. To make things more confusing, my new job combined with being new-meat-in-town has made me a chick magnet (not trying to brag– this is new to me).

Other hang-ups include: We’ve decided that I’m the one who needs to commit, ’cause she feels completely commited. We’re both very busy professionals who value our own time and have little free time. I’ve always thought (and my friends agree) that she’s the type you marry. She was a rebound-chick that kept going and going and going… There were times that I nibbled at other fish when we were apart, and once I got baited. There’s a part of me that’s a mako and another that’s a white baby seal. Positives include that she may be the nicest girl I’ll ever meet, and she really is the type that I should marry. We also have some very good times together. I’d like some insight of yours.

— Don’t Stand So Close to Me

Dear Don’t Stand,

When it comes to the question of marriage, using terms like “type,” “should” and “positives include” has all the romance of Arthur Treacher. Hey, Mr. Meat, cut bait (gently), and go fish on Friday.

Love,
Breakup Girl

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn hears from Marty, who had a terrific first date, but hasn’t heard from the woman since.

As the date was ending, she told me she had a good time with me and that she’d like to go out with me again in a few nights. I went home on Cloud Nine thinking that she was every bit into me as I was into her. I’ve not heard from her since.

Is  the woman being coy, or is she just not that into him? Did Marty misread things, or should he pursue this further? Read his full account at Happen Magazine, along with Lynn’s thoughts, then add to the conversation in the comments below!

The Predicament of the Week from October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl:

I’m a longtime reader of your page, and your advice has always helped me to figure out what’s going on in my own life. Many thanks. But now I am in a state of complete and total perplexity (which I gather is not that unusual for grad students). Here’s the situation (if it can be accurately depicted in text):

I’m in my mid-20s. I’ve been friends with K. for nearly two years, and we’ve become very close. She’s a few years older than me. A couple months after we first met she started dating this other guy, younger than I am, who for the last year has lived in another city. (Also a grad student, and yes, we are all in the same field. Note to ANSBGS[“Professor Rebound”] it seems it’s always in the same field.) Six months ago, they got engaged. But K. never really seemed comfortable with the idea of being engaged; in fact, the more I learned about her, the less she seemed like the marrying-and-settling-down type. (And he seems way too eager to settle down. K. herself has said this to me).

I’m very much attracted to her, and it seems mutual, but of course we never explicitly admitted it. Until a certain point in April, when we went out one night and ended up pretty much revealing our feelings for each other.

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Fudging the results on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Had a girlfriend of two years end it by saying she needed more of a “roller coaster” type of relationship. A woman dumped me for telling her she looked nice in blue. Another for bringing her bottled water while she worked outside on a hot day. Another woman who telephoned me all the time dumped me after I called her for the first time. Another gal looked me up after three years, flew 500 miles to visit me days later and told me I was the only man for her. After tearful kisses at the airport and a vow to return soon, she refused to talk to me ever again. Another lady constantly told me how much she disliked me and how unsuited we were as a couple, but resisted all my suggestions of ending the relationship. I finally had to insist. Tip of the iceberg stuff here.

For whatever reasons, many women are apparently self-hating nuts. If one man disrespects another man, animosity results. But if a man treats a woman poorly, she makes excuses for his behavior. Women seem to flee affection, honesty, stability and attempts at mutual respect.

No, I am not one of those too-nice guys, but neither am I willing to be a cold, selfish, drama-inducing jerk in order to have a relationship. Given my experiences over the past ten years and those of every man I know, I conclude this: Many women want to want someone, but they do not want (and will not tolerate) someone wanting them.

Please tell me I am wrong.

— Mike X.

Dear Mister X.,

Are you sure you want me to tell you you’re wrong?

Let me back up and explain what I mean.

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Coded messages from October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I don’t know what to do. My girlfriend of a year and a half has just abruptly left me. I had not been able to contact her in about 4 days due to conflicts with my work and school. Finally I get a hold of her, and she just drops a bomb on me. “I want to see other people” and “I need to find myself;” furthermore, she is already dating someone else without even contacting me to initiate a breakup. This just came from nowhere! I broke down at work, my life was shattered. I begged her for explanations, and none were offered. I don’t know why she has done this.

We met when she was a junior and I was a senior in high school. I helped pull her out of a deep depression created two years prior by a previous boyfriend who date raped her. She had dated no one since, and she reclaimed her virginity for those two years. Yet she was always downcast, antisocial, and she wrote the darkest poetry, which she shared with me. One day in our Physics class, I sensed her pain and all I did was extend my hand. I’ve never understood why, but she responded by placing hers in mind. We later spent many nights talking and crying. I felt her every emotion, I could truly empathize. We entered a relationship, and soon we fell in love. I have always feared that as I’ve watched her heal, grow, recover, and mature, that she would one day be strong enough to move on. I feared that I was just some kind of tool to get her out of depression and to a point in her life that she no longer needed my help and companionship. This past Sunday has seemed to confirm my most haunting thought.

But everything seemed so perfect with her. We shared so much and bonded in so many ways. The only thing that ever strained our love was distance. I went away to a college about 2 hours away (which isn’t so far that things should just end). We survived a whole year of commuting and staying committed, and staying in love. She graduated and enrolled in a college near her home so she could keep her job and live at home. With me still going to school 2 hours away, it seemed understood that we would continue the long distance relationship.

But something has happened, and I haven’t a clue what that something might be. (more…)

A long one from October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been reading your site for months now, and I love it. I’ve been feeling the urge to write in, but I haven’t actually had any questions to ask. You just remind me of a good friend of mine who moved to Seattle a few years ago. I figured I could send in a “Look! It can get better” letter for your collection.

I’m in my ninth term at college now, and the story goes way back to the beginning of college. I never had any relationships in high school. All the boys were so… young. So was I, but gee, you’d never have gotten me to admit it. So I get to college and poof! Suddenly there are all these smart, interesting people around. Amazingly, some of them are attractive, and some of them are scary, and some of them are both. But the only way to stop being scared of something is to just deal with it, right? Besides, all the scary people are the fun ones. These guys aren’t into drugs or guns or anything. They just know what they think and like and refuse to waffle about it. Plus, they’re fun. So they decide I’m an interesting person and we start hanging out. One of these guys is *incredible*, tall, funny, extroverted, incredibly handsome, dances, gives great hugs… oh yes, and he just came back from another coast to discover that his fiancee has been cheating on him, just to see what it’s like to be with other men. So this incredible guy decides that A: Relationships suck, and B: Sex is good. And starts seducing anything interesting (successfully; he even gets the girls to go after him). Ever see a man with a neon sign that says “BAD PLAN” in bright glowing red letters? There’s one. So the friend you remind me of spent a year telling me, “Bad plan! He’s notinterested! Run away!” and telling him, “She’s too young! She’s not interested! Run away!” And then the rumor mill decided we were going together, manufactured our dates, our proclivities, and our fights, much to our amusement. Can you say, OBSESSION? I knew you could.

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