Green with ectoplasm on October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend has a lot of female “just friends.” One is his old girlfriend who is a basket case and seems to always need rescuing. I know it’s her way of “keeping him.” I do trust that he doesn’t want to be with her romantically but he’s never introduced us and I totally resent that they are perpetuating this relationship. I think she calls him about three times a week and he only admits to speaking with her “once in a while.” He didn’t want to upset me since he knows I sometimes show jealousy (mild) about his female friends. He claims he’s never been as close to anyone as he is me. And that he loves me and respects me deeply. Am I being stupid for not putting my foot down about his ex?

How should I handle the fact that he has so many “just friends?” I’m currently taking some time away from him so he is ready to do some degree of listening to get me back. Though he hates to feel cornered. Help.

— Jealous

Dear Jealous,

First of all, I have to say that it’s not a bad idea on your boyfriend’s part not to introduce you to his ex. It may in fact be quite politic. New girlfriends and old girlfriends, especially when each has a case of “jealousy (mild),” and “basket,” respectively, go together like oil and water (hot). You actually want to meet her? To what end? So you can see “Practical Magic” and go out for pink drinks and bond? So you can smile nicely and be the stable, non-single one? I can think of way more productive things to do with your life, such as learning how to make the perfect vinaigrette.

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The Predicament of the Week from October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was rather honored to have been the elected The Predicament of The Week the last time I wrote. I write again to update you on the latest development. I’m sorry to take up so much of your time.

I don’t know if it was a coincidence or a divine intervention of your Superhero-ness, but after I last wrote, I met this incredibly interesting woman who is in many ways similar to Golden Girl (scary thought, isn’t it?) except that she’s Japanese.

I have a very tight-knit group of friends who are acerbic, iconoclastic, with oh-so strange senses of humor and she fits right in, like fresh cod in steamed spring rolls. She can take it and she can dish it, so to speak. She can drink all of us under the table, and yet, look so damn elegant at the same time. This is a woman with “passion and intelligence born of living and the ability to move or be moved by the subtleties of mind and spirit.” This is a woman to whom the difference between a pasture and meadow seemed important. Words just flow out of her lips like “the silver apples of the moon/the golden apples of the sun.” This I describe with the utmost objectivity I can muster, I swear.

Here’s the catch. She is relocating away, for economic reasons. What seems inevitable is a choice of pursuing a long distance relationship or “fogeddaboudit.” I have a feeling that she had been understandably holding back on her feelings because of the impending move. I too did not pressure her to say anything for or against a possible relationship. What’s the point, really? You can’t give an answer when you don’t have it, right?

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The Predicament of the Week from September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I know you are frequently bombarded with long letters, so I hope you’ll have patience for another one.

Fifteen years ago, this young country boy, born in a small plantation village somewhere in Southeast Asia, was catapulted across the Pacific to Southern California for his university education. Imagine being thrust into a big city like Los Angeles armed with nothing more than a sense of wonder and determination. Needless to say, he survived adventure, and along the way he picked up vocabulary like “dude” and “awesome” as well as a degree from UCLA. He also fell for, BIG TIME, a beautiful blonde in his class. He was her mystical oriental boy, and she was his amazing green-eye beauty. They could communicate with each other through their eyes. They toured together. However they were both young and there was much to do in each of their lives. They couldn’t stay together anymore for the intensity will burn them both. They said their good byes. They said each one of them remains in a special place in their respective soul for eternity even if they didn’t see each other anymore.

Grab some coffee — there’s lots more after the jump!

Sending signals on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Discovered your site about an hour ago, and you’ve already answered a few questions I didn’t even know I’d asked. But ay, here’s the rub. I’m a 27-year-old card-carrying nice guy. Other than not having a car and still living with the ‘rents, I’m a pretty good catch, or so I’m told.

Which is part of the problem… I’m invariably told I’m a “great catch,” “real prince,” “such a sweet guy,” etc. By women who either a) have no romantic interest in me whatsoever, b) are married/engaged/ blissfully happy and thus can compliment nice guys with impunity, or c) both. You’d think they’d tell their single female friends… but then again, life would be too simple if things happened that way.

Which brings up my first question… how do I upgrade myself, or at least my perceived image, from NiceGuy 1.0 to the version that actually lets the world know I have other features?

And then there’s my other problem, the cluelessness. I am *awful* at reading signals… positive ones, anyway. Complete lack of interest, I get right away.

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Being nice on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

With all your immense wisdom, can you PLEASE let us in on the secret of turning someone down nicely? There is nothing I hate worse than trying to explain to gentlemen friends that I’m not interested. Is it all right to tell a tiny white lie in these situations? Like, “Actually, I’m leaving for a remote area in Africa tomorrow so I can’t go out this weekend?” Well, you get the point. Please help!

— Not Interested

Dear Not Interested,

The Africa thing is risky, as a plucky suitor may up and offer you his international cell phone.

Here are some examples of acceptable lies:

1. “I had a great time.”

2. “Dinner? Well, actually, I think it would be so much more meaningful if you came over and acted out a new dramatization of Diana’s Last Days that I’ve just completed. I’ve already highlighted your lines in pink. How’s sevenish?

3. “I’m not in a very relationship place right now.” (As in, standing here, right now, talking to you.)

Basically, though, NI, it’s not about lying, it’s about not telling the whole truth. If that’s what it takes to be nice. And early on, that’s all you owe your gentlemen callers. No Explanations — and definitely no elaborate Excuses — but simply a “You know what, that’s very kind, but I’m going to pass. Thanks, though.” In this case, being clear, even blunt, is being nice.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Against type on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I just met this guy who seems to be really nice, and seems to be giving me the eye. Yes, I am quite attracted. BUT– he bears a STRONG resemblance to my ex-boyfriend, who turned out to be an a**hole. Which I am not trying to hold against the lookalike, nor am I really trying to redo past history– at least I don’t THINK so. I think I would have been attracted to him before the boyfriend too, as I don’t go for one particular kind of look in a guy (as in “I only like guys with dark hair and blue eyes” kinda thing). BUT– is it just a terrible idea to date someone who looks like someone you used to date?

— Mahina

Dear Mahina,

I do realize that looks are in a realm all by themselves. But you should also realize that WHOEVER gives you the eye is going to have something about him that resembles your ex — his speech pattern, his favorite team, his failure to call, his gender. So go ahead and see if you feel something for Clone, see if he treats you fine. And see how he looks to you then.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Not staying friends on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I guess I don’t necessarily have a problem, I just keep running into him on a far-more-than-regular basis.

You see, my ex and I were best friends before we began dating. He wanted me to be his girlfriend … but on my end, I didn’t much care for the idea. I’d had a rough childhood of sexual abuse, and I had a baby at age 15 and gave him up for adoption, and such events finally led me to a life-threatening nervous breakdown, therapy, and the like.

Of course, he knew all of this, being my best friend and all, and he was so supportive of me. So, after receiving truckloads of love letters from the guy while I was on an internship half-way across the country, I decided I definitely wanted to give him a chance when I got back to college.

My first week back, we went out for dinner, and discovered we lived in apartment buildings right next to each other, both on the fourth floor, both facing the courtyard, and thus, we could talk through the windows, him from his kitchen, me from my living room. It wound up being one of those splendid romances that I will remember for the rest of my life. Never before had either of us shared a connection like ours. We knew it. We loved each other, and we didn’t doubt this in the least.

Well, that December I graduated from college, and he still had a year to go. We’d decided I would stay behind and work until he garnered his degree and we could move away together. La di da di da. You know the drill.

On Christmas Eve he told me he didn’t know if he could see me anymore, because the experiences that led me to the aforementioned depression “ate away at his stomach,” and he just didn’t think I was “pure enough,” and whatnot. And to paraphrase, but how did he know I would never be that depressed again someday?

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Popping that question on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met a great guy a few months ago. He’s smart, funny, nice, beyond sexy and has the cutest Irish accent I’ve ever heard. We had been dating for a couple of months and everything was cool until he popped the question: Thatquestion. He asked me to marry him.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t any bold declaration of reckless, impetuous love, it’s a last-ditch attempt to not get deported.

I was speechless, but managed to sqeak out a “no” before I got the hell out of his place. He called me later that night, and said he understood why I wouldn’t marry him, and that he still wanted to see me anyway.

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Housing problems from October 18, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

OK. Here’s the deal. I’m 32, and I was dating/sleeping with this 20 year old guy. Now, I live with him, and we aren’t together anymore… Not my choice. So, anyway, any good ideas on how to live platonically with someone you used to sleep with and still want to sleep with who doesn’t want to sleep with you, while staying roommates and paying the rent…. Hmmmm. Pretty long winded huh?

— Amy

Dear Amy,

Actually, no. No, your letter’s not all that long-winded, and no, I don’t have any good ideas on how to live platonically with someone you used to sleep with and still want to sleep with and who doesn’t want to sleep with you while staying roommates and paying the rent. Time to hang the VACANCY sign.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Wishing for more on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I really really really like my boyfriend. A LOT. We’ve been dating for a while now, and he’s the sweetest guy — he’s perfect. My parents love him (all adults do), he goes to church and is smart and good, and he plays soccer, and of course is really good looking. And I think I’m falling in love.

He’s also a good kisser. But…

This might sound gross. As much as we’ve kissed (and that’s quite a bit), he’s never kissed me with, oh, say, any tongue. Now these are wonderful kisses, and there’s nothing that disgusts me more than a lot of tongue, cause dude, it just gets on my nerves. I don’t want some huge foreign object in my mouth, especially someone else’s huge foreign object. But, I can handle a bit of tongue. In fact, I WANT just a little bit of tongue. So what can I do? I’m hesitant, cause I don’t want to do anything that’s going to shock him and make him think “Ewwwwwww.” But I’m so attracted to him. And I know he’s really attracted to me. In other words, how can I politely bump up the intensity of our love life very slightly?

— Wishing for Just a Little More!

Dear Wishing,

Oh! It is so refreshing to hear from younger folks for whom “more” is adding tongue, not … sex. So I will gladly help you out — especially because I know it’s hard to talk about these things. I mean, casual doesn’t really work — “Hey, sport, what say we toss in a little tongue?” Nor does formal — “There’s something I’d like to discuss with you. It’s about, well, bumping up the intensity of our sex life. I’mhesitant, because I don’t want to shock you, yet I feel that given our level of mutual attraction, we are ready to … ” At this point, actually, he may stick his tongue in your mouth to get you to shut up already.

Instead, I recommend: Show, don’t Tell — then Ask. Start by touching his lips with your tongue. Ask, “Um, do you like how that feels? Blink once for yes, twice for no.” And so on (in). Betcha you’ll rock his world. Starr-report back to let us know how it goes, okay?

Love,
Breakup Girl