Coming home on June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated this guy for a year and a half, and for months he has not been speaking to me, I finally blew him off in a letter (no other way when I’m at school, he’s never home, and of course won’t call me back), saying that I never wanted to hear from him again, not that I ever thought I would. Well, someone had to cut the cord.

All well and good, right? Well, it’s summer, and I’m dreading coming home (I’m going to summer school here partly to avoid him — but I’ll be home half the summer anyway) because I know I’ll run into him (we live in one of those towns where you run into everyone eventually). My mother just told me that she’d run into him a few days ago (he looked embarrassed — he should).

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Hopelessly devoted on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Well, I have been reading your column regularly for a few months (since January, actually) when my boyfriend of one year and I broke up. It was good as far as breakups go… well, I guess, it was my first real relationship (I am now seventeen, he eighteen). We had a wonderful relationship, he was never less than all I could hope for in a sweetheart, first love, and best friend, we loved each other truly, and he never gave me a moment’s anxiety about my decision to not have sex until marriage, in fact that was one of his favorite things about me. It ended on good terms and mutually when we decided that it was not necessary to be so serious at this age, (we both imagined marrying each other, and still do) and we wanted to give ourselves and each other more space and freedom. I’ve written two letters to you since all this, since it has been a rather up-and-down past few months in the love/guy department! (more…)

Another reader response from June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve just got a quick comment on your advice to Sheri (the 42-year-old with 2 kids). You told her to be up front with her 34-year-old potential squeeze/summer fling, and suggested that any guy who is scared off by kids isn’t worth it [Note from Breakup Girl: Whoa! That’s totally not what I said. BG is not in the biz of that kind of flip character call. My actual point: some guys (and gals!) are — legitimately — reluctant to get into a pre-fab family when they’d like to fab one of their own from scratch. And also for the reasons that Jo so eloquently describes below. In some cases, this may mean that — even all other things being lovely — a potential couple may be, practically speaking, incompatible. That’s all.] I just wanted to add something.

It looks like Sheri wants a nice, relaxing, “just for Mom” relationship; she’s not thinking tickets for four to the Spice Girls with hotdogs to follow, she’s thinking candlelit dinners and a suite at the Ritz. It seems to me that she needs to a) let the guy know that she’s got kids, and b) (once she’s sure this guy is going past date #4 or so) let the kids know that she’s got him, but c) let everyone know that the relationship is for fun, not fatherhood. She won’t have to hermetically seal the kids off from the relationship, but she can keep their evenings out for the nights when Dad/her mother/her best friend has the kids. Then, if their relationship lasts past Labor Day, the two of them will have a good relationship, which will help when he gets to know the kids.

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The opposite, from June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Love you, love your column! THE love of my life destroyed me last summer and I still haven’t gotten over him. I have dated a whole bunch of men, tried to keep busy etc….but can’t stop feeling that I have lost the best thing I ever had. I just keep thinking I don’t want him to be happy because I am not. I thought I was doing well for a long time but lately it has all come back to me. Help me! I want my ex out of my head.

— Hopeful to Heal

Dear Hopeful,

You did lose the best thing you ever had. Until that point. And at this point, it’s all coming back to you because, well, you still know what you did last summer. I mean, really, the teeniest things — the whiff of a scent, the note of a song — remind us of loves and losses; how ’bout when that reminder is … the sun ?! And so, even at this time of increased slothitude, you’ve got to do more than “keep busy.” You’ve gone past the statute of limitations for “distractions.” You are still just treading water, gulping brine into your empty heart and lungs. You said it yourself: you do not want him to be happy because you are not happy. This is the problem: not getting over him, but changing what’s around you. What will make you happy (no fair saying “him”)? Grad school, a road trip, new curtains? Figure it out. For real. And at the risk of sounding glib, DO THAT.

Love,
Breakup Girl

A reader comment from June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

You missed the boat on your answer to Sheri re: summer romance and the kids. Of course she should tell the guys she’s thinking about going out with she’s got children, and I liked the soft-pedal way you suggested she let them know. HOWEVER, she’s absolutely right about not introducing the kids. Well, maybe introducing (10 and 12 are old enough to be curious about who mom’s having dinner, movie, etc. with ) but certainly not including them in any events. You think it’s hard for just one person to be the dumper/dumpee — try having your whole FAMILY included in a mess like that. Some possible scenarios:

* The kids get overly attached and nothing comes of it — then regardless of who dumped whom — it’s your fault.

* He/She loves them so much when you break up they still want to see them — and the kids agree. This is especially true for kids just coming out of a divorce situation or haven’t ever recovered from it — Hey! Here’s someone to take up where mom/dad left off!

* The kids/date hate each other so much you’re doomed from the beginning. And there’s a good chance they will. Kids want all your time, date wants all your time…and everybody resents you can’t give it all to them (and what’s more, you’re supposed to choose who you love the most as in, “If you loved me, you’d ______”).

If you care about your children, you never let them get involved in your dating life, unless and until you start to maybe, just maybe (gasp, wheeze) think this is THEEEE one. Of course, hopefully by this time some of the major questions on both sides have been worked out. The kids may want to know you’re seeing XYZ for a movie Friday evening, but that’s ALL they want to know. (And all you should share with them.) Now, take all this and think “summer romance,” as in 3 or 4 months and end-o, zippo, that’s all folks…do you think this grief would be worth it on anyone’s part? Methinks not. (If you doubt my word on this, check with Breakup Mom — give you 5 to 1 she agrees with me.)

— Deb

Breakup Girl responds: Sounds like you know what you’re talking about…all too well. And your comments are actually not consistent with what I said … or, anyway, um, what I meant. I should have made more explicit my distinction between “introduce” and “involve.” And — hmmm — now that I see what you’ve written so wisely, perhaps that distinction isn’t as significant or as un-slippery as I thought. So no, I don’t doubt you. But the reason I’m not checking with Breakup Mom is that she and Breakup Dad are on vacation. For the next few weeks, we’re on our own.

Home and away on June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am in a confusing and slightly depressing situation. Two weeks ago I went to Mexico with part of my Spanish class. We were paired up with a group of kids from Nebraska (we’re from Oklahoma). So I started talking to and became friends with this guy from the Nebraska group. One night when we were on this island off of Cancun the group went to a discotheque by our hotel. The guy (we’ll call him George) and I got bored so we left (a lot of people had already left) We walked around the beach for about half and hour and then sat down on this ledge overlooking the ocean and held hands with his arm around me talking for an hour. Then we had to go back to our respective rooms (12 p.m. curfew). The next day everyone was sure that we would formally hook up and I was sure that he would kiss me. But then he got in a motorcycle accident and had to be flown to Cancun and I never got to see him again or say goodbye or anything. So I went home and discovered that the guy who I have had a crush on for like nine months is still just as attractive and interesting and amazing as he was when I left. I see him almost every day because we are both in karate and are training for nationals together. I’m had over heels for this guy but I feel guilty for flirting with him because I’m not sure where George and I stand. I haven’t been able to get in touch with him. I don’t even know how the other guy feels about me but I’m too afraid of losing his friendship to tell him how I feel about him. My general motto is Carpe Diem but somehow in this situation I just can’t seem to follow my own advice. Why can’t my life be as simple as Sandy and Danny make life seem?

— Confused Over Summer Lovin’

BG sorts it out after the jump!

About a boy or two on June 8, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m a very young looking attractive 42 year old, divorced with two children, ages 10 and 12. I’m usually attracted to younger men and they to me, but some of them freak out when they find out I have children. I just met a handsome man at a formal dinner/dance and it turns out he has asked a mutual friend for my phone number. He is 34. Do I tell him right from our first conversation that I have children? I don’t plan on introducing him to my kids; my last relationship ended in disaster partly because he did not like my kids (but that’s another story!). I’m not expecting this to go anywhere really, a summer romance would be nice though. So, what do you think? The thought of an “instant family” scares off many younger guys, even though they are projecting way off into the future. Thanks for any input.

–Sheri

BG’s suggestions after the jump!

What is it about summer romance? Why — here above the equator, anyway — is there no such thing as a Winter Fling? What were they thinking, re-releasing “Grease” in the spring? Theories abound as to why summer makes us all hot and bothered. For one thing, unless you are Smilla, seasonal shoulder-baring tanks and open-toed sandals are generally considered more flirtatious than the average anorak. Also, unless you are a lifeguard, the summer seems to bring on that crazysexycool feeling of reduced responsibility and urgency: 8 PM looks and feels like 3; vegans say, “Aw, what’s one cheeseburger!” — and since your must-see TV is in reruns, heck, even your VCR is on vacation.

Some experts even say — I am not making this up — that the male body actually produces more testosterone during summer months. Something about the position of the Earth in its orbit around the sun. Whatever. I say it’s because — well, as my friend Matt once pointed out, “there’s hardly a man in America whose hormones don’t start pumping at the thought of searing a huge chunk of cow over the open coals.” (He added: “But when a New Yorkerbarbeques, he gets the added rush of knowing that he’s an outlaw, the Jesse James — Jesse James-Beard? — of the brownstones, because open-flame cooking is apparently illegal in most NY public and private spaces. Which means that barbecuing legally in the city confers yet a different kind of manliness, because it means that the barbecuer has some abnormally large yard or deck. Especially in Manhattan, such real estate identifies the chef as filthy stinking rich. And in this town, there’s nothing more macho than money.”)

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NOT letting go on July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I know that I’m on your Breakup List and I wholeheartedly agree — and the deed was carried out a couple of weeks ago. We agreed to be friends and in an effort to “talk” (we estimated an hour) we ended up spending most of the day (and night) together — good idea…at the time. So in parting, we really let loose on the feelings while in an hour long embrace — I cried, he choked up — the whole 9 yards.

Well, I’d closed the chapter — not to look back ANYTIME SOON, when who appears at my office(almost missing me) we ran into each other as I’m getting off the elevator and he’s getting on. He was with a friend and I was with his sis (who I work with — tough to forget with her around). He says that he misses me and was going to call me the night before, etc. We all chit chat and sis and I go in the office. So on my desk is a note saying that he wished I was here, that he missed our talks, he was looking forward to seeing me, ending it with “Love…”. So, I call him later that night and we talk about how the last night together was great…..we get mushy and I tell him that if I didn’t talk to him before he went away again (extended period for work), that I hope that everything worked out, etc. We end the conversation with me saying that I still love him and he says “I love you — you know that,” not to mention him using all of his pet names for me, etc. He also says that he’ll write (which is something that he didn’t do before and a source of stress for me). He didn’t offer and I didn’t ask about his living arrangements or phone number or anything — I ended up not talking to him before he left and he’s gotten to where he was headed and I haven’t heard from yet either. I was definitely doing much better before he stopped by, now, I’m confused again, whereas before, I was quite happy with the way things ended. I guess that now, I’m deep down inside thinking that there’s a chance. I don’t know if he was just being cruel by being so nice so soon or if there is some chance somewhere down the line? By the way, in ending the phone call, he said to keep remembering the talk we had while clutching each other.. I’m VERY CONFUSED NOW.

— Barbie Doll

BG clears things up after the jump!

The Predicament of the Week from July 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl (I do believe that is the traditional way of starting these letters),

I’m in a bit of a fix. While it may not be anything new to you, it’s still causing me emotional distress on levels I didn’t know existed. Here’s the setup:

I’m 16 years old, give or take a month or two. 5 months ago, I entered into my first relationship–an odd thing in this state of society (waiting until my age, that is), but i’ve always been waiting for the right person. Anyhow, five months ago, I asked this person (let’s just call her “Sherry,” since that sounds clever if you know her real name) if she would care to be with me. Remarkably enough, she accepted. And even more remarkably, things were almost perfect…we grew very close, very fast, and were practically inseparable. I recall meeting a new friend about a month and a half into this relationship, and her shock at how long we had been together…she figured we were at least at the 18 month mark. We even lived together for a brief period, and that worked out magically. About two months into the relationship (in fact, exactly two months) I came to the informed decision that this was truly something special, and that I was now willing to take our relationship one level higher…thus, I let her take my virginity away. Realize that this was a conscious decision that I made before the relationship began, and that she would have been more than willing to do this earlier on…I just wanted it to be something special. And it was.

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