Staying in the game on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Is it a good idea to date people who you don’t really like just to keep yourself socially involved and “out there”? My truest love so far broke my heart about six months ago, but I try to date most guys who ask me out even though I don’t feel particularly interested in them. I’m afraid if I stop dating I will feel worse. On the other hand, sometimes it’s really difficult to muster even the slightest bit of enthusiasm for any of the guys I meet. None of them lives up to the legacy of Mr. Right. What do you suggest?

— Lisa

Dear Lisa,

See “Flirtation Continuum,” below.

It is a good idea:
– to date just to keep yourself socially involved and out there.
– to accept at least one invitation, no matter what — you never know.
– NOT to fall — as you have not — for the next guy (or series thereof) who comes along, just because he’s there.

It is not a good idea:
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Still suspicious on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

All right, here’s the dilly: I’ve been with my girlfriend for nigh 3 years now. Recently, we both went through major upheavels in our lives, during which we fought & came close to ending things. During that time, she started seeing another guy. I found out because I came over for Valentine’s Day and he sent her flowers saying they had started something beautiful. Anyway, I freaked, and she told me that they had just gone on a couple of dates, nothing serious. From V-Day until recently, I had always been suspicious she was still seeing him, but whenever I asked, she told me she wasn’t and that I was being paranoid. Which, I believed, because she never lies, even when it’s the easy thing. One time I tried snooping but was caught so the only thing I accomplished was ruining her trust.

Last week, one of her good friends (who isn’t the smartest person) told me (she doesn’t know it though) that I was correct. She was seeing this guy, slept with him, etc. and lied to me when I asked. Another friend of hers told me that they did have something for a while, but it was over and that she digs me again and is head over heels. So what do I do? I don’t want to ruin my gf’s friendship on account of her friend being an airhead. At the same time, I “triumphed” over the other guy, because now everything between us is wonderful. Is there a reason to bring up these past issues? On the other hand, she lied when I confronted her and made it look like I was the person that was wrong, and she managed to make me believe it. What’s to say it won’t happen again? I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can’t trust her when we aren’t getting along.

Should I leave well enough alone or do I dig until I get the truth at the probable expense of the relationship between us and between her friends?

–J

The

Mixed feelings on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This is part of the letter that you printed from Jolene:

“If I am supposed to move on and am not, then does that mean that this love that I have falled into is meant to be?”

I was wondering what you thought of that concept: specifically, if one party of a breakup (the boy) is exremely upset, and think it’s a big mistake, and the other party (me, the girl) has mixed feelings, does this mean that it’s meant to be, and my breaking up with him was a mistake? I am seeing someone else now (it’s been a year and a half, if you can believe it) whom I love. All goes well until my ex-boyfriend calls, or writes, and then I get really thrown for a loop. I start having difficulty enjoying my new relationship, and feel guilty about being happy when he is still so unhappy and lost. I wish more than anything that he wasn’t so sad. I broke up with him because of the things he didn’t do, even though I told him those things were important to me. Things like living in the same city, his visiting me more often, being more enthusiastic about going out and doing things. I really believe that those things would change if I went back to him now, but I am already seeing someone else, and the fact of the matter is, why oh why did it have to take my breaking up with him for him to be so overcome with love, commitment, a newfound desire for children, etc.? I love him, but broke up with him because of what he did (or didn’t do, more accurately). Anyhow, all of this is to ask you your opinion, and sage counsel on when or how you can know when things are “meant to be.”

— Kyrsten

Answer after the jump!

Counting the ways on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Just love your website!

I too have been recently inducted into the “jilted” club. My ex and I were together for over five years. I have a couple of questions for you.

1. What kind of guy asks you to relocate over 1,000 miles (to start a new life), does nothing with it when we get there (I did) and then three months into this new start decides he’s not happy and wants out and — here’s the kicker — has not been happy for over three years? Are his expectations too high? Is he looking for perfection? Is he chasing rainbows? Is he depressed?

2. So I left because I was not feeling loved, wanted, or needed. Did I leave in haste? How can I read the signs for the next relationship? To know when to quit?

3. He has corresponded a couple of times since I left him. He’s slightly off the mark with some of his comments/statements. Should I try to set him straight or just file the letters and forget I never knew him?

Three more points and all the answers after the jump

Still searching on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

About six months ago, my girlfriend of two and a half years broke up with me. I tried to get back together, but for one reason or another, I had screwed it up. This isn’t some masochistic thing, I really did screw it up. So I gave it up. But it got me down for a while — two and a half years is a long time.

So for the past few months, I’ve been getting over it — it’s not a problem. So I’ve been becoming interested in a few different people — people whom I like as friends. So I become friends with them, get to know them, like them, and then when I’m about to pounce, as it were, and ask the question, I find out that they’re either dating someone else or unavailable in another way (although distance is the main thing, either me moving or them).

My question is, what the heck is going on here? It seems like everyone I’m interested in I can’t have. Is this some kind of messed-up thing I’m seeking — like I sense that they’re unavailable and I like that for some sick reason? I find this hard to believe — most of the time I don’t know that they’re taken. It’s really getting old. I know that these people aren’t lying to me. Just today, I went up and was talking to someone for about an hour, ready to ask her our, when she suddenly mentions that she’s moving to France for a year. What the crap?

— Corwin

BG’s answer after the jump

Feeling rejected on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First things first, I couldn’t stop laughing at your response to “Rocket from the Couch!” The entire office had to investigate what I was giggling about.

Anyway, to make it quick, there is this guy that I have a tiny crush on. He works at the local coffee shop and I see him almost every day. Finally, after numerous smiles and “Hey, how’s it going?” he asks what my name is. Of course I ask his and everything is great. He asks for my phone number about a week later and I am really excited. He even calls me and he comes over to my house for a weekend BBQ. He meets all my friends and everything is dandy. I see him the next day and he says that he will call that same night and that we could “hang out.” WELL! He never called me again and I haven’t seen him since. No, no, no, I will not go into the coffee shop. I have found a new coffee shop to get my daily fix. But Breakup Girl, my self-confidence is shot. I feel like a loser and I feel really rejected. I can’t stop thinking about java boy and I feel like I am going crazy! I’m also really pissed off … at him! What can I do???

— Melina

BG’s breaks it down after the jump

Still smarting on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been in a state of depression for the past year. It has been just over a year since my girlfriend walked out on me in a restaurant, never to be seen again. I found lots of your advice helpful; and I even couldn’t resist sending your “Wish You Were Here” card.

I was very much in love, and then nothing. I thought of marrying her, and looked forward to having children. I guess I’m better off in the long run, but as you know, it still hurts.

Around Christmas last year, she sent me a letter telling me how wonderful I am. I took this as a sign that she might want to get back together, but she just responded that no, that wasn’t her intention, she just wanted to “wish me the best” and “by the way, I’ve met this really nice guy.”

I’m very hurt, sad, and angry. I know I should move on, but it scares me so. When you give someone your heart and soul, and they reject it after a 2+ year relationship, one hesitates to get involved again. I’ll visit your pages for more inspiration from time to time. You’ve made me feel a bit better, but there’s still a long way to go to regain my self-esteem. Thanks for listening.

— Michael

Read BG’s reply after the jump…

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn gets pulled over by Sgt. Frustrated, a female cop who’s having trouble detaining the opposite sex…

I’m middle-aged, divorced, in great shape and look young. I also have a very good job and am squared away financially — all pluses. … So, what’s the problem? My career is in law enforcement. And more frequently than I like, potential dates back away from that.

Should this officer even bother with gentlemen who are intimidated by her? Is there something she could be doing differently? Read the full letter and Lynn’s advice at Happen, then comment below!

It’s the cover-up on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First things first, I think your page is awesome. But the real reason I’m writing to you is because I have a guilty conscience and I’m wondering if what I’m doing is actually wrong. Well see, there’s this guy that I like a lot but I can’t see us ever going out. he’s super nice, and he’s even pretty sexy. My best friend loves him and tells me all about how she fantasizes about him kissing her and being with him — me, I don’t have to wish, because we’re fooling around behind her back. The only thing that I feel bad about is that one time we (ME and HIM) were talking and he said that he wanted to tell everyone about us and I can’t do that because my best friend thinks he’s like a GOD or something, so I know it would hurt her. I meant to tell her the first time we kissed but when I called her she told me that he had talked to her that day and she got her hopes up about them hooking up. So now I don’t know how I should tell her about us. I know she’ll get REALLY mad if I tell her that we have been for a pretty long time, but I don’t think she’d care if I told her he’d just kissed me — she’d probably be psyched for me. So, is it okay to lie to her this once, or should I stay straight?

— Guilty?

BG sets her straight after the jump

Seeing things clearly on June 29, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How can I get guys to realize that just because I have glasses doesn’t mean I’m a geek? Without my glasses on I look really pretty, because everyone has told me that. Help me shake some sense into these boys!

— Meghan

Dear Meghan,

IF it is at all true that Men Don’t Make Passes at Girls Who Wear Glasses, then it’s not because they make you look bad, it’s because they make you look … smart. This is ridiculous on many levels. We all know that glasses do not equal brains (I mean, look at Velma. She has glasses, and that still doesn’t mean she’s smart enough to… get contacts). Also, even if this stereotype were true, you’d think these boys would be psyched to date someone smart; perhaps, however, they are needlessly intimidated. Maybe they think you read more than them and they’re afraid that you’ll make all of these witty literary references (“I thought the book ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ was better than the movie”) that will go straight over their heads. What-ever.

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