Seinfeld, Schmeinfeld. Now there’s a comedy documentary featuring/involving no fewer than five beloved alums of Breakup Girl LIVE, including the magnificently talented and dare we say dashing Rob P. (alter ego of Defender Stratocaster), who wrote and performed all Breakup Girl music ever on stage and screen. (Oh, wait! Seinfeld, in fact, also performed at Breakup Girl LIVE. True story! And a really long one.) Anyway! Kristen Schaal!
Sadly, it’s not out until June, so we can’t say it’s the perfect Valentine’s Day escape into refreshingly funny alternative jokes about why you’re alone. But in the meantime, enjoy the new trailer, and watch this space for more!
Tagline: Alternative IS the mainstream. W00t! Tell that to your high school.
For sheer pith, of course, nothing can match Breakup Girl Haiku. But Morning Glory of Jezebel has given us a veritable Valentine of (swollen) purple prose, by pointing us — through this post — to the Tumblr Romance Club. There, as MoGlo puts it, “sometimes embarrassed but always funny consumers of erotic literature…write book reviews summarizing their paper conquests.” The sheer hilarity of these descriptions is BG-post-worthy enough (“Larkspur is a fair maiden on the Chrystal Isle in the Avalon Sea whose father is a dolphin shifter [he can take both forms]. This is pretty irrelevant to the plot, but they mention it, so I thought I would too.”); go now and read through the whole site. I’ll wait.
OK. See, what I adore about those Tumblr posts — and frankly, what makes for the best humor in general — is the (heaving, pounding) heart behind them. These writers are fans, fans who get what’s funny about these books and who get sincere unironic pleasure from them. They don’t kid because they snark. They kid because they love.
But anyway, so the original Jez post took to task a recent USA Today article that advised gentlemen (PAY ATTENTION!): “If you want to show the woman you love how much you care, take a page from a romance novel: look into her eyes, focus on what she says and really talk to her.” This gave MoGlo pause. “Wait a second. What? Act more like dudes in romance novels? Aren’t dudes in romance novels kind of… rapey?”
She’s referring, in part, to this Romance Club review:
BUT! When it comes time for the sexxing, Kit decides that he’s had enough of the wooing, and straight-up says that he will have her, even if it means raping her.
*RECORDSCRATCH*
Now, to be fair, Rue gets into the whole thing, but STILL. YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT. It’s gross, and not only that, it’s totally unnecessary. Kresley Cole has a sh*tload of paranormal alpha heroes, and not ONCE is there even a hint of coercion. Our girl Zoe Archer has paranormal historical alpha heroes, and they do not rape. Because unlike Kit, they manage to be both hot AND not a total f*cking *sshole.
I was enjoying the book up until this point, since there’s a lot of really awesome historical dress and house pr0n, lots of fun Independent Woman action from the heroine, and lots of dragons. But at this point, I don’t care how much Rue likes this dude. He dropped an r-bomb. That is not sexy. Ever. No.”
First of all, I am totally borrowing “*RECORDSCRATCH*.” Second, amen. Third, an update. I’m pleased to note that Romance Club responded to the Jez post with this caveat: “…[T]he rapey review I posted this morning was a complete coincidence, and really, the genre has for the most part moved FAR beyond those kinds of plot devices. Free sh*tty books, while always hilarious, are not the best examples of the genre. I’ve reviewed several books I’ve absolutely loved, and none of them have any kind of forced sex whatsoever.” Good to know. No. really!
And just to circle back to the top, it turns out — if this study is any indication — that women are more attracted to pirates who really listen men whose feelings are unclear. NOT BECAUSE WE “LIKE” TO BE JERKED AROUND. But simply because when you’re not 100% sure if someone’s into you, you spend more time thinking about them, which in turn only heightens your interest. (Clearly this gargoyle did not get that memo.)
Today we’re posting two more Valentines that cover unserved markets: The first is for people who want to avoid V-Day altogether, and invoke February’s OTHER holiday, Presidents Day; the second is ideal for sending to single friends who probably won’t be getting any love this year. Order now to insure delivery by Valentine’s Day!
Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 8:33 am
Not taking things to the next level on May 25, 1998…
Dear Breakup Girl,
Hi. I know you’ve written about Friend Boys, but so far no one has seemed to share my curse, so my variation on the theme hasn’t been addressed. I hope you can help.
My problem is this: I believe a solid romantic relationship is built on a solid friendship. The main reason I feel this is that when you date, pretense and airs are, well, up in the air. When you get to know someone as a friend, you get to know the real them, because they have no reason to put on airs. Also, while I’ll check out the hottie in the tight red dress, I could never find myself attracted to someone on any level beyond the physical unless I really know her. Unfortunately, this has left me on the business end of a bad Catch-22.
See, whenever I get to know a woman well enough to develop feelings for her and try to bring the friendship to a “new level,” she says that I can’t because I “know her too well,” and vice versa.
WHAT GIVES?
Women are constantly complaining about never knowing what their man is thinking, or that he never knows what they are feeling, or that he is just too confusing, and yet, when presented with someone whom they are very close to, and who knows them so well (and again, vice versa), they say, “Uh-uh, no way.” Sigh.
We’ve just added two new Valentines to our lineup of Breakup Girl greeting cards. Both are new versions of classic e-postcards from back in the day. The “alternate universe” one was originally inspired by an unrequited love situation, but also works for exes that have some level of regret, or potential couples that just never seem to find the right time or place to make it happen. “Have a Super Valentine’s Day” is inspired by those little boxed Valentines we used to exchange in elementary school — perfect for friends or even friends-with-potential. Order a box!
Now you no longer have to settle for mere eCards. Breakup Girl Valentines have made the leap to IRL with new Greeting Cards from Zazzle just in time for the holiday! Many of the store-bought cards out there may not strike the particular tone you’re looking for: Breakup Girl to the rescue! Whether you think V-Day is kinda dumb, deeply uncool, or just too much, we’ve got you covered. Plus, we will be adding new cards through the end of the week.
Chloe of Feministing, hilariously, on Tasmania’s (!) first female premier:
Lara Giddings was the youngest person ever elected to Australian parliament, winning her seat when she was just 23 years old…This week, she became the first woman to be sworn in as Premier of the state of Tasmania, after serving for two and a half years as the state’s second ever female Deputy Premier. This means that in addition to having its first woman Prime Minister, Australia now has a woman at the helm in three of our seven states. Which is all well and good…but…[l]et’s talk about what really matters: does she have a strong manly husband and lots and lots of babies to offset the unpleasant fact that she is a woman with power? The answer is no. She does not. She is 38, unmarried, childless and OH MY GOD FREAK OUT.
Clearly, this situation must be rectified immediately. If you are an eligible man who would like to marry, impregnate and raise children with the Premier of Tasmania, please consider applying for the position of Validator of Lara Giddings’s Existence. The ideal candidate will be manly enough to prove beyond doubt that the leader of Tasmania is not a lesbian, but not manly enough to prevent the newspapers from mocking him for being less powerful than his ball-busting wife.
One month ago my girlfriend dumped me and her reason why was that she didn’t want a relationship at this point in her life. Yeah, I could understand that, but when I was told that she’d started to date other guys I think I flipped. I was a very nice guy to her — better than most guys were. To make this long story short, I told her that I’d cheated on her when we were going out — just to hurt her — and now all it’s doing is hurting me more.
I don’t want you to think I’m nuts — only with love. I just can’t tell her the truth because everyone that knows her thinks I cheated on her and she told me she can’t trust anything I say to her anymore. Now that I screwed up I need to find some way to tell her that I was just lying to her about cheating on her. I know she will never want to speak to me again and I think I can handle it but I don’t want her to hate me for the rest of my life. If you could in some way HELP me to find a way to solve my BIG problem. I’ve never wanted to hurt her this way; I just lost my head and I can’t seem to find a way out of this mess. I’m not one to ask for anything in life but this one I really need help on.
Tearfully,
K.
P.S. If you want to post this letter on your board of guys who’ve done some really stupid things in their lives, I would understand. Maybe it wil help others like myself not to do things like this.
I have just spoken with my best friend, who is miserable and alone in Marrakesh, where she is working. She’s sad because her partner has not phoned her for over a week — he’s uncontactably on a rock tour in Australia/New Zealand. She suspects he is screwing the catering girl/backing singer/production assistant. Meanwhile he has left all his belongings in her flat here in London — for which I have a key. What (preferably harsh) action do you suggest she take? (Waiting and seeing is not an option!)
Breakup Girl
is the superhero whose domain is LOVE or the lack thereof!
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Not taking things to the next level on 
