Regretting it on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Firstly… you rock.

Secondly, I’m kind of a wreck, so I seek your counsel, once again, for a little perspective on my breakup nine months ago. To recap: I’m 29. Me and “John” broke up four times during the four and a half years that we dated, first he with me, then me with him…etc. Every time we got back together it was always because we tried to be friends, and then one thing led to another–you get the idea. We would keep our reconciliations from our friends for as long as possible because we knew they wouldn’t understand. Well, actually, it was mostly my friends who wouldn’t understand because they always felt that John perhaps wasn’t the best man for me, even though they all really loved him a lot, and thought he was a great guy.

When we finally broke up for the last time, it was my decision. We were in the midst of a secret reconciliation, but this time I was really sure that it was not what I wanted at all, but I didn’t know how to stop the cycle. I went to a party, got together with a guy there (with John asleep in my bed at home), and that basically started the whole ball rolling…I told John a few days later that I was going to go on a date–we had decided that we could still date other people, a theory that had yet to be tested–and he obviously became very upset. OK, I told him on his birthday…but you really can’t plan the timing of events like this, right? I went on the date, the date spent the night, John “stopped by” my house the next morning at 6:00 a.m. and proceeded to scare the living daylights out of me/date by banging on the windows, calling incessantly, trying the door, and waiting for us as we came out the front door.

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Mixed feelings on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This is part of the letter that you printed from Jolene:

“If I am supposed to move on and am not, then does that mean that this love that I have falled into is meant to be?”

I was wondering what you thought of that concept: specifically, if one party of a breakup (the boy) is exremely upset, and think it’s a big mistake, and the other party (me, the girl) has mixed feelings, does this mean that it’s meant to be, and my breaking up with him was a mistake? I am seeing someone else now (it’s been a year and a half, if you can believe it) whom I love. All goes well until my ex-boyfriend calls, or writes, and then I get really thrown for a loop. I start having difficulty enjoying my new relationship, and feel guilty about being happy when he is still so unhappy and lost. I wish more than anything that he wasn’t so sad. I broke up with him because of the things he didn’t do, even though I told him those things were important to me. Things like living in the same city, his visiting me more often, being more enthusiastic about going out and doing things. I really believe that those things would change if I went back to him now, but I am already seeing someone else, and the fact of the matter is, why oh why did it have to take my breaking up with him for him to be so overcome with love, commitment, a newfound desire for children, etc.? I love him, but broke up with him because of what he did (or didn’t do, more accurately). Anyhow, all of this is to ask you your opinion, and sage counsel on when or how you can know when things are “meant to be.”

— Kyrsten

Answer after the jump!

Summer leavin’ from June 15, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Love you, love your column! THE love of my life destroyed me last summer and I still haven’t gotten over him. I have dated a whole bunch of men, tried to keep busy etc….but can’t stop feeling that I have lost the best thing I ever had. I just keep thinking I don’t want him to be happy because I am not. I thought I was doing well for a long time but lately it has all come back to me. Help me! I want my ex out of my head.

— Hopeful to Heal

Dear Hopeful,

You did lose the best thing you ever had. Until that point. And at this point, it’s all coming back to you because, well, you still know what you did last summer. I mean, really, the teeniest things — the whiff of a scent, the note of a song — remind us of loves and losses; how ’bout when that reminder is … the sun ?! And so, even at this time of increased slothitude, you’ve got to do more than “keep busy.” You’ve gone past the statute of limitations for “distractions.” You are still just treading water, gulping brine into your empty heart and lungs. You said it yourself: you do not want him to be happy because you are not happy. This is the problem: not getting over him, but changing what’s around you. What will make you happy (no fair saying “him”)? Grad school, a road trip, new curtains? Figure it out. For real. And at the risk of sounding glib, DO THAT.

Love,
Breakup Girl