Psyched out on October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 16 and in a relationship with a 20 year old. He is smart, funny, ambitious….and sensitive, caring, thoughtful, vulnerable. And I am DESPERATELY in love with this adorable guy. And he is always telling me how much he loves me. But I don’t feel worth it. I feel like sooner or later he is gonna realise I am not worth the trouble and I am not as great as he thinks, and dump me. And the thought scares me to death. I still live with my parents and although they accept our relationship, they really don’t approve, and have thrown some obstacles in our way. If they had any idea that I am having sex with him, it would be hazardous to his health, even though I am very much the instigator. (I finally bedded him via daring him to christen the backseat of my parents car, because I know he can’t say no to a dare !) My insecurity makes it difficult for me to see him, knowing that one day, all the things that he fell in love with me for will be all the reasons he falls out of love with me.

He gets offended so easily, and he admits he has a habit of taking things the wrong way from past experiences even though he knows I don’t mean them that way. And when he gets offended, I hate myself and wonder why he bothers with me. I have a short temper and several times I have verbally taken my anger out on him when I am mad about something else, and I see how much it hurts him, yet I never learn. He has such a gentle soul, and I seem to hurt him all the time. I feel tactless, thoughtless, and basically like a downright mean person. I love him so much it is going to kill me when it ends, but I know it will end and this makes it harder. A couple of days ago, we were on the phone quite late, and as he gets up at 6 a.m, he has to go to bed early. During the conversation that night, he had mentioned several things about me which were not good.

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Staying for no reason on October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating the same man for about 9 months now. We have dated off and on in the past, and he was my boyfriend when I was a naive 16 years old (so needless to say we have some history). I am now 21, and he just recently asked me to be his girlfriend.

Problem is, I have realized that in my family there is a cycle that we females seem to get hooked into regarding men. My mom married my dad who was totally wrong for her and divorced him, and married an alcoholic. My older sister has married an inconsiderate buffoon, and it just starting to realize her mistake.

Back to me, while I realize I am not in love with this man, and I can see all the ways we are not compatible (he’s unreliable, selfish) I am reluctant to break the relationship off. He is 28 and feels his biological clock ticking and talks constantly about wanting children before he is 30. I am only 21, I’m a starting digital artist trying to make a name for myself, art is my passion, and I am not ready for children. He seems to be unpleased with my independance and wants to change who I am. So maybe asking me to be his girlfriend again might seem not to be a big deal to most, from the way he is talking about wanting a family when he can’t even take care of himself tells me what kind of commitment he is really wanting.

Anyway, to draw this letter to a close, I know this is break up material right here in my head, and I don’t love him. But why am I so reluctant to get out of this unhealthy relationship?

— Rachel

BG’s answer after the jump!

Feeling second rate on October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have this wonderful, wonderful boyfriend. We’ve been living together for over a year now, and I couldn’t be happier. We are best friends, and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him. The problem is, he had a girlfriend before me. Now, keep in mind that he no longer speaks to this girl (not to mention the fact that this girl is supposedly getting married, or maybe already got married) and says he doesn’t like her at all, and didn’t like who he was when he was with her. However, despite all the logical attempts I have made to overcome this, I have a raging jealousy of her. She was his first everything — girlfriend, kiss, sexual partner. They only dated for a month. Now, I realize that:

1. I am the one he comes home to now, the one that he shares things with and chooses to be with.

2. I am being incredibly petty about this.

But, this continues to bother me. Why? He doesn’t even talk to her! (How do people whose SO’s are friends with their exes ever deal…?) What can I do, BG? I’m going nuts here! I wish I didn’t know anything about her, but silly me, I insisted that he tell me stuff. (Warning to readers if you print this: DON’T ASK, you don’t want to know!)

I’ve talked to him about this, and not surprisingly, he doesn’t have many suggestions for me other than to just forget about it. That’s what my friends all tell me, too: that it’s kinda silly and I’ll get over it, don’t worry. But it’s been a long time, and I haven’t gotten over it. What can I do? PLEASE help!

Thanks ever so much. I’m a huge fan of the page… read it every Monday.

— Petty

Dear Petty,

Second hand, second-rate, second class, second fiddle. “Second” does get a bad rap, doesn’t it? And when it comes to love, our firsts are in a magical mystery class by themselves. So it’s totally normal to get a little pouty about the one who went before – especially when she’s the First Lady.

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Beyond “staying friends” on October 28, 1998...

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am doing okay except that my friend has a problem. I have a friend who has been having trouble with his girlfriend. She is five years younger than he, and just moved to school about three weeks ago. Oh, did I forget to mention that he is my ex? Yes, we are doing the “friends” thing, and so far, after failing a few times at it, it is finally working out.

You see, part of his problems with her center around me; she does not like the fact that he hangs out with me, calls me, and even (by some sort of a fluke, out of our control) stayed in my room at school last weekend (he slept on the floor on an inflatible mattress — very innocent. He would never cheat on her, and I would not allow him to with me.). When we get together we spend a good chunk of our time discussing her and his problems with their situation.

We have a very honest relationship, and always have, and I have told him many times that I think this girl is dragging him down. I only hear the negative things about her, and I, quite frankly, did not treat him poorly while we were dating and haven’t since we have become friends. We are best friends, and I don’t think she realizes how important we are to each other. He doesn’t place limits on whom she can hang with at school, and he doesn’t think it is fair for her to do that to him.

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Going nuts on October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a question for you concerning psychotic ex-girlfriends. My boyfriend’s ex, we’ll call her Betty, of MANY years, truly needs therapy. Since the beginning of our relationship, she has done the following to both of us: prank phone calls at all hours of the night and day, followed us, driven by our apartments, mutilated our cars several times, picked a fight with me, and most recently, after much denial, apologized to him. Trust me, this is just the tip of the iceberg for what we have gone through with her. Unfortunately, given our vague statutes on stalking and harassment, we could never prove anything to press charges. I have tried with all my might to be mature about this and remain calm. But the longer it continues, the more difficult it becomes to control myself. It’s unfair for me to have to go through this. I didn’t even know the woman before Will and I have never done anything to her, not even in retaliation. It’s not my fault that she cannot accept the fact that their relationship is over and she shot any chance of them being just friends. We are getting married very soon and I am beginning to wonder if this childish behavior will ever cease. (more…)

Getting unstuck on October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Right before I started seeing my girlfriend she had just broken up with her boyfriend. Her previous relationship was totally dysfunctional and she had so many problems with the a**hole. They shared an apartment for five months, which probably sped up the end of their relationship.

She’s very happy with our relationship and it’s dynamite. It just keeps getting better and better. The only problem is that she keeps brinigng up her ex. Every once in a while she gets all weepy like she’s miserable, and says that if he would come back to her then the pain she has will go away. Isn’t that completely messed up?!

I’m going totallly insane. I keep telling her that time is the answer, there are no other solutions. What should I do? I can’t leave her. Will this end? Her obsession with the breakup aftermath is becoming mine. Help!

— Cornelius

Dear Cornelius,

You are right about many things, wrong about one big one. Is her aftermath now yours? Yep. Is this completely messed up? You betcha. Is “time” the only solution? Hell, no. You guys are going to need something way stronger.

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Green with ectoplasm on October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend has a lot of female “just friends.” One is his old girlfriend who is a basket case and seems to always need rescuing. I know it’s her way of “keeping him.” I do trust that he doesn’t want to be with her romantically but he’s never introduced us and I totally resent that they are perpetuating this relationship. I think she calls him about three times a week and he only admits to speaking with her “once in a while.” He didn’t want to upset me since he knows I sometimes show jealousy (mild) about his female friends. He claims he’s never been as close to anyone as he is me. And that he loves me and respects me deeply. Am I being stupid for not putting my foot down about his ex?

How should I handle the fact that he has so many “just friends?” I’m currently taking some time away from him so he is ready to do some degree of listening to get me back. Though he hates to feel cornered. Help.

— Jealous

Dear Jealous,

First of all, I have to say that it’s not a bad idea on your boyfriend’s part not to introduce you to his ex. It may in fact be quite politic. New girlfriends and old girlfriends, especially when each has a case of “jealousy (mild),” and “basket,” respectively, go together like oil and water (hot). You actually want to meet her? To what end? So you can see “Practical Magic” and go out for pink drinks and bond? So you can smile nicely and be the stable, non-single one? I can think of way more productive things to do with your life, such as learning how to make the perfect vinaigrette.

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The Predicament of the Week from October 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was rather honored to have been the elected The Predicament of The Week the last time I wrote. I write again to update you on the latest development. I’m sorry to take up so much of your time.

I don’t know if it was a coincidence or a divine intervention of your Superhero-ness, but after I last wrote, I met this incredibly interesting woman who is in many ways similar to Golden Girl (scary thought, isn’t it?) except that she’s Japanese.

I have a very tight-knit group of friends who are acerbic, iconoclastic, with oh-so strange senses of humor and she fits right in, like fresh cod in steamed spring rolls. She can take it and she can dish it, so to speak. She can drink all of us under the table, and yet, look so damn elegant at the same time. This is a woman with “passion and intelligence born of living and the ability to move or be moved by the subtleties of mind and spirit.” This is a woman to whom the difference between a pasture and meadow seemed important. Words just flow out of her lips like “the silver apples of the moon/the golden apples of the sun.” This I describe with the utmost objectivity I can muster, I swear.

Here’s the catch. She is relocating away, for economic reasons. What seems inevitable is a choice of pursuing a long distance relationship or “fogeddaboudit.” I have a feeling that she had been understandably holding back on her feelings because of the impending move. I too did not pressure her to say anything for or against a possible relationship. What’s the point, really? You can’t give an answer when you don’t have it, right?

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The Predicament of the Week from September 28, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I know you are frequently bombarded with long letters, so I hope you’ll have patience for another one.

Fifteen years ago, this young country boy, born in a small plantation village somewhere in Southeast Asia, was catapulted across the Pacific to Southern California for his university education. Imagine being thrust into a big city like Los Angeles armed with nothing more than a sense of wonder and determination. Needless to say, he survived adventure, and along the way he picked up vocabulary like “dude” and “awesome” as well as a degree from UCLA. He also fell for, BIG TIME, a beautiful blonde in his class. He was her mystical oriental boy, and she was his amazing green-eye beauty. They could communicate with each other through their eyes. They toured together. However they were both young and there was much to do in each of their lives. They couldn’t stay together anymore for the intensity will burn them both. They said their good byes. They said each one of them remains in a special place in their respective soul for eternity even if they didn’t see each other anymore.

Grab some coffee — there’s lots more after the jump!

Sending signals on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Discovered your site about an hour ago, and you’ve already answered a few questions I didn’t even know I’d asked. But ay, here’s the rub. I’m a 27-year-old card-carrying nice guy. Other than not having a car and still living with the ‘rents, I’m a pretty good catch, or so I’m told.

Which is part of the problem… I’m invariably told I’m a “great catch,” “real prince,” “such a sweet guy,” etc. By women who either a) have no romantic interest in me whatsoever, b) are married/engaged/ blissfully happy and thus can compliment nice guys with impunity, or c) both. You’d think they’d tell their single female friends… but then again, life would be too simple if things happened that way.

Which brings up my first question… how do I upgrade myself, or at least my perceived image, from NiceGuy 1.0 to the version that actually lets the world know I have other features?

And then there’s my other problem, the cluelessness. I am *awful* at reading signals… positive ones, anyway. Complete lack of interest, I get right away.

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