Being nice on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

With all your immense wisdom, can you PLEASE let us in on the secret of turning someone down nicely? There is nothing I hate worse than trying to explain to gentlemen friends that I’m not interested. Is it all right to tell a tiny white lie in these situations? Like, “Actually, I’m leaving for a remote area in Africa tomorrow so I can’t go out this weekend?” Well, you get the point. Please help!

— Not Interested

Dear Not Interested,

The Africa thing is risky, as a plucky suitor may up and offer you his international cell phone.

Here are some examples of acceptable lies:

1. “I had a great time.”

2. “Dinner? Well, actually, I think it would be so much more meaningful if you came over and acted out a new dramatization of Diana’s Last Days that I’ve just completed. I’ve already highlighted your lines in pink. How’s sevenish?

3. “I’m not in a very relationship place right now.” (As in, standing here, right now, talking to you.)

Basically, though, NI, it’s not about lying, it’s about not telling the whole truth. If that’s what it takes to be nice. And early on, that’s all you owe your gentlemen callers. No Explanations — and definitely no elaborate Excuses — but simply a “You know what, that’s very kind, but I’m going to pass. Thanks, though.” In this case, being clear, even blunt, is being nice.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Against type on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I just met this guy who seems to be really nice, and seems to be giving me the eye. Yes, I am quite attracted. BUT– he bears a STRONG resemblance to my ex-boyfriend, who turned out to be an a**hole. Which I am not trying to hold against the lookalike, nor am I really trying to redo past history– at least I don’t THINK so. I think I would have been attracted to him before the boyfriend too, as I don’t go for one particular kind of look in a guy (as in “I only like guys with dark hair and blue eyes” kinda thing). BUT– is it just a terrible idea to date someone who looks like someone you used to date?

— Mahina

Dear Mahina,

I do realize that looks are in a realm all by themselves. But you should also realize that WHOEVER gives you the eye is going to have something about him that resembles your ex — his speech pattern, his favorite team, his failure to call, his gender. So go ahead and see if you feel something for Clone, see if he treats you fine. And see how he looks to you then.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Not staying friends on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I guess I don’t necessarily have a problem, I just keep running into him on a far-more-than-regular basis.

You see, my ex and I were best friends before we began dating. He wanted me to be his girlfriend … but on my end, I didn’t much care for the idea. I’d had a rough childhood of sexual abuse, and I had a baby at age 15 and gave him up for adoption, and such events finally led me to a life-threatening nervous breakdown, therapy, and the like.

Of course, he knew all of this, being my best friend and all, and he was so supportive of me. So, after receiving truckloads of love letters from the guy while I was on an internship half-way across the country, I decided I definitely wanted to give him a chance when I got back to college.

My first week back, we went out for dinner, and discovered we lived in apartment buildings right next to each other, both on the fourth floor, both facing the courtyard, and thus, we could talk through the windows, him from his kitchen, me from my living room. It wound up being one of those splendid romances that I will remember for the rest of my life. Never before had either of us shared a connection like ours. We knew it. We loved each other, and we didn’t doubt this in the least.

Well, that December I graduated from college, and he still had a year to go. We’d decided I would stay behind and work until he garnered his degree and we could move away together. La di da di da. You know the drill.

On Christmas Eve he told me he didn’t know if he could see me anymore, because the experiences that led me to the aforementioned depression “ate away at his stomach,” and he just didn’t think I was “pure enough,” and whatnot. And to paraphrase, but how did he know I would never be that depressed again someday?

(more…)

Popping that question on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met a great guy a few months ago. He’s smart, funny, nice, beyond sexy and has the cutest Irish accent I’ve ever heard. We had been dating for a couple of months and everything was cool until he popped the question: Thatquestion. He asked me to marry him.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t any bold declaration of reckless, impetuous love, it’s a last-ditch attempt to not get deported.

I was speechless, but managed to sqeak out a “no” before I got the hell out of his place. He called me later that night, and said he understood why I wouldn’t marry him, and that he still wanted to see me anyway.

(more…)

Housing problems from October 18, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

OK. Here’s the deal. I’m 32, and I was dating/sleeping with this 20 year old guy. Now, I live with him, and we aren’t together anymore… Not my choice. So, anyway, any good ideas on how to live platonically with someone you used to sleep with and still want to sleep with who doesn’t want to sleep with you, while staying roommates and paying the rent…. Hmmmm. Pretty long winded huh?

— Amy

Dear Amy,

Actually, no. No, your letter’s not all that long-winded, and no, I don’t have any good ideas on how to live platonically with someone you used to sleep with and still want to sleep with and who doesn’t want to sleep with you while staying roommates and paying the rent. Time to hang the VACANCY sign.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Wishing for more on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I really really really like my boyfriend. A LOT. We’ve been dating for a while now, and he’s the sweetest guy — he’s perfect. My parents love him (all adults do), he goes to church and is smart and good, and he plays soccer, and of course is really good looking. And I think I’m falling in love.

He’s also a good kisser. But…

This might sound gross. As much as we’ve kissed (and that’s quite a bit), he’s never kissed me with, oh, say, any tongue. Now these are wonderful kisses, and there’s nothing that disgusts me more than a lot of tongue, cause dude, it just gets on my nerves. I don’t want some huge foreign object in my mouth, especially someone else’s huge foreign object. But, I can handle a bit of tongue. In fact, I WANT just a little bit of tongue. So what can I do? I’m hesitant, cause I don’t want to do anything that’s going to shock him and make him think “Ewwwwwww.” But I’m so attracted to him. And I know he’s really attracted to me. In other words, how can I politely bump up the intensity of our love life very slightly?

— Wishing for Just a Little More!

Dear Wishing,

Oh! It is so refreshing to hear from younger folks for whom “more” is adding tongue, not … sex. So I will gladly help you out — especially because I know it’s hard to talk about these things. I mean, casual doesn’t really work — “Hey, sport, what say we toss in a little tongue?” Nor does formal — “There’s something I’d like to discuss with you. It’s about, well, bumping up the intensity of our sex life. I’mhesitant, because I don’t want to shock you, yet I feel that given our level of mutual attraction, we are ready to … ” At this point, actually, he may stick his tongue in your mouth to get you to shut up already.

Instead, I recommend: Show, don’t Tell — then Ask. Start by touching his lips with your tongue. Ask, “Um, do you like how that feels? Blink once for yes, twice for no.” And so on (in). Betcha you’ll rock his world. Starr-report back to let us know how it goes, okay?

Love,
Breakup Girl

Kissing and telling on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I was wondering if you could tell me the proper way to french kiss because every time me and my boyfriend do this there is spit on faces. What are we doing wrong? Please tell me.

— Teresa

Dear Teresa,

You guys aren’t really doing anything wrong. Where there’s French kissing, there’s also spit, if I remember correctly. But that’s just it: where there’s French kissing. So: just keep tongues in mouths, not on faces. Voila!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Fooling around on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

What’s a good way to tell my sweet, incredible boyfriend that I think he’s beautiful and I adore his body, even though he’s fat, and I’d like the lights on once in a while (nudge nudge, wink wink)?

— In the Dark

Dear Dark,

You pretty much already know, but I’m so glad you asked. How about saying, “Sweet incredible boyfriend, I think you’re beautiful and I adore your body. I love what we do in the dark, but I’d also love to try having the lights on once in a while.What do you think?” If he’s bashful, start with lots of candles (think: that scene in the new “Romeo + Juliet,” except without the death part). Alternatively, you could simply “show, not tell” (nudge nudge wink wink).

See, shy big/beautiful people out there? Saying, confidently, “Here I am!” — as opposed to hiding — is what’s truly hottest of all.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Making a case on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My last letter you actually responded to on the column…it was about the “rhinoceros head “ on the coffee table in the middle of the room. That advice really helped things! Thanks so much. Unfortunately, I’ve got to hit you up again.

The latest and the greatest goes like this. Everything seemed great between me and my law school girlfriend of 2.5 years. After a 4 month long fight, we had an awesome summer traveling, relaxing and spending time with each other. I was ecstatic because for a long time we were teetering on the edge of breakup but always plugged along because we both know our relationship was more unique and stronger than others.

So, I thought that the momentum would follow into her 2nd year of law school. Nope! Nigh 1 month since she started classes again, she’s more stressed than I’ve ever seen her, and she is always picking fights with me. I tried to be understanding, but she’ll start a fight with me and then blame me for upsetting her. I don’t blame her, I think anyone would behave the same way if they were in law school. Law school is EVIL.

(more…)

Getting competitive on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I wrote before and got lovely helpful advice about healing my fairly broken heart. Thank you. Now I just kind of want your thoughts on a phenomenon. At work I sit next to an attractive guy named oh, say, Sam. I could go for him, but that’s actually not the point. He just broke up with his girlfriend. He has FOUR DATES this week. Ignore what this says about his reboundness. What does this say about his networking abilities vs. mine? (I’ve had one date, from a party. No click — we went out twice.) In fact, Sam says three of his dates are fixups from friends’ parents. Is there such a shortage of “nice Jewish boys” and an overabundance of me’s? Or is he better at networking?

Well, of course you can’t answer the specifics, because you don’t know either of us, or our families. But what do you think about getting the word out, BG? How does one get into this fixup network?

— Nice Girl

Dear Nice Girl,

Yeah, he’s just better at networking. Either that or some high-speed YentAlert went out, via bulk e-mail or phone tree, when Sam the JM became S.

As for you, start asking around. NOT VIA BULK E-MAIL OR PHONE TREE. Tell select friends (and parents of friends, I guess) that you are looking, and willing to blind-date. People who know you well. People who know lots of other cool people. People, actually, who might know Sam.

Love,
Breakup Girl