Dying for an answer on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Help — my relationship of fifteen years is on the rocks because his ex-wife is dying of cancer. He is spending all his time with her at the hospital and won’t talk to me about the situation. I feel totally useless and unloved. Question: should I just hang in there or think about pushing for a resolution from him? We are in our 50’s and have not married due to trying to keep things separate for our kids and the tax benefit these days of being single vs. married.

— Lynn

Dear Lynn,

Yuck. What an uncomfortable and unpleasant situation. Unfortunately, no, I don’t think now’s at all a good time to push for anything, except ways to entertain yourself in his physical/emotional absence. I’m not evaluating or defending the way he’s handling things; I’m just saying that when someone’s going through the [impending] death of a loved one, all behavioral bets are off. I don’t know his personality; it’s possible that he might detach himself just as much were the loved one a relative rather than a LOVED loved one — it’s just that the latter is obviously more unsettling for you. So it’s a bummer, but right now all you can do, grim as it sounds, is wait to see how things shake down after her death. That is, if you really want to stay. I mean, you tell me about this “useless and unloved” feeling: is it bothering you mainly because it’s so wildly uncharacteristic of your relationship, or because it’s a long-standing malignancy that seems to have metastasized? So ultimately, it’s not about waiting vs. pushing. It’s about deciding for yourself what kind of cure you really want to find.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Playing it smart on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

This is going to be kind of long, since I have several questions for you. First, it would be easiest if I set up some background. I am 14 years old, I will be 15 in September. I am heading to college this fall in Florida. I currently live in Maryland. Back in November, I was on Yahoo chat and I met this guy. I’ll call him John. He is 16. (Yeah, I know, here it comes! He and I seemed to get along, and– you probably won’t believe this– we spent 9 hours on a chat room reciting movie lines from “Pure Country.” OK. That was fun, and all that kind of thing. I put him on my email list, to get all the junk and stuff I sent out. Back in February, we both got ICQ and started chatting. On February 12, he asked me to be his netgirl. I accepted. (Just wait, it gets better.) Well, for a while there we were talking almost every night for about 3 hours, until his and my work interfered. Also, during that time period (Feb.-April) he was emailing me 2-5 times a day. (BTW, he lives in Iowa) Now, we chat about once every 2 weeks (if that often) and I have gotten two, count ’em, emails from him since June 17. I know I am starting to sound a bit obsessive….forgive me, it’s late. He and I have the same interests, but we are different enough to not be clones. I feel totally comfortable talking with him, and I consider him my best friend as well as my boyfriend (which is what our relationship has been upped to). We share the same morals and views on most things, he respects my parents’ views, and wants to consider us engaged. (All of this I am relaying as of 2 weeks ago, our last chat.) He also listens to me, takes my opinions seriously, and has a great sense of humor. (Did I mention that he is cute too???) So, from every standpoint, he is “Mr. Right.”

Well, except for a few things.

(more…)

Downshifting on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Recently, my boyfriend and I broke up because I am going away to school in the fall and it would be too hard to wait until the end of the summer to break up because we will only get more attached. It is one of those situations where love isn’t enough to stay together … we both knew that we are just at very different places in our lives, and it isn’t our time. When we broke up, we knew we had to stay friends, but we don’t really seem to be communicating at all, and everything is weird between us. How can we make going from a long-term relationship to a friendship any easier?

–Lindsey

Dear Lindsey,

Ah, the preemptive breakup. If it works for you, it works for me. But listen, it’s not weird that things are weird between you. Things are weird after a breakup no matter what; add to that the fact that you’re going away — you’ve left yourselves, unavoidably, in a “if she’s going away from here, where do we go from here?” limbo. Besides, no relationship transishes naturally from more-than- to just-friends. I’d say this: don’t sit around waiting for him to call, wondering if you should, making it all “mean” something in your overactive post-breakup imaginations. Limit your interactions, for now, to occasional planned activities that you both enjoy (perhaps even some, like movies, that don’t require communicating at all). That way you may be able to go through the motions of the friendship without putting undue pressure on the e-motions. It will not feel “the same;” don’t expect it to — it isn’t. And it will all feel less acute when you go away, it really will. Good luck in school!

Love,
Breakup Girl

College bound on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am sixteen going on seventeen, and my only experience, really, with relationships, was an LDR that sorta faded away (he stopped emailing) until I realized (after 4 months!), with help from my best friend (an Angel!) that I needed closure, so I ended it. Then this summer I was going out with a guy (all of this is secret, of course, since my parents forbid even THINKING of guys That Way) who was perfect to me. Problem is, we’re heading off to different colleges. He broke up with me, kinda for that reason, and that’s cool. I felt REALLY bad for a few days, then sorta bad for two weeks, and now I’m kinda okay again. We became really close friends over the summer, and he — and I — would like to keep in contact after we head to college. You know, email, etc. He is special to me, as a friend, now (I realize the magic is gone now, Relationship-wise). He was my first a lot of stuff, from first REAL kiss (tongue) to … well, there’s a French word, demivierge. Most of it was a first for both of us. And I have no regrets. Is it impossible to really keep that kind of friendship going? I’m afraid it’ll be like the last time I tried to keep in contact with someone (LDR boy) — the gradual drifting away. Is that inevitable, or just my experience…? I’d appreciate a response.

— Better

A Better answer after the jump!

Whether or not it’s September 21 yet or not, Fall is definitely upon us. Labor Day, Entertainment Weekly’s Fall Movie Preview issue, and the premiere of Ringer are all signs that it’s time to discuss the dramas that many of you are facing. They will generally come in two varieties:

(1) Hot summer flingamagigs: can/should they weather the autmnal chill? Bottom line: let’s say you were temporarily unable to have “sexual relations” (as defined in Breakup Girl Superior Court as “you know exactly what I mean” ); would you have anything to talk about? If not, well, you do need to talk.

(2) Love U.: should high school sweethearts give it the new college try? Breakup Girl is not saying that all couples who are about to have campuses come between them should automatically give/break up. But here’s a little higher education for you. Do not underestimate how much being in college consumes you. It is not just having your same life in a different place, only with fewer parents and more people in the bathroom. It is having a different life in a different place, with fewer parents and more people in the bathroom. No matter how pure and devoted your intentions, it will be really hard to toggle between your lives new and old — especially if you are having an excellent time. And even if you’re having trouble adjusting — which, actually, most people do in some way — pleeeeeease promise me you’ll focus on how to improve your lot at school, not on how to cling harder to the person at the heart of your homesickness. Oh, and about the “we’ll ‘see other people’ at school but still be ‘together’ when we’re home” thing. Here’s Breakup Girl at her most blunt: Nope. Doesn’t work. Which, I know, is not going to stop most of you from trying it, “just to see.” I understand; I won’t be mad. And I will try to refrain from making an I-told-you-so link back to this column when you write to me at Thanksgiving.

Okay, that should serve as an introduction, if not a deterrent. I’ll finesse and elaborate in my responses this week to the letters you’re writing me about why your situation is “different.”

Sh*t is about to get real on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First I just have to say I really enjoy reading your advice and it has helped me through some tough choices. Now I had better get to the point. I am 17 y/o female who lives in Canada and I have been “dating” a 19 y/o guy from Germany. It is an online relationship. Neither of us believed in “online love” until it happened to us. First we were friends and then one thing led to another… we have been together for a year. Anyway we both really love each other, but sometimes I feel he loves me more. I know he is great– sweet, honest, loving, funny– but for some reason I find myself overlooking those things. Lately I have been stuck on “do we have a future together” and “is he the one?” You are probably wondering why I am worrying about such major issues when we only have an “online” relationship. The answer is, in fact, he has an opportunity to come visit me in about 3 months. We had began to plan a couple other trips early in our relationship but for various reasons, namely money, things didn’t work out. I am glad that they didn’t then because I wasn’t “ready” for such a big step. Now though, the latest opportunity seems great! When I have first heard about it I was so thrilled beyond belief. But now the time is approaching that he must buy a plane ticket, etc. within the next few weeks. I am now beginning to panic. A major problem is asking my parents, whom I don’t have a very open relationship with. (Maybe Breakup Mom has some tips.) Lately (in my panic state) I have been wondering more and more about if he is “the one” and if its worth us meeting. It will cost him a few grand and his holiday time, but it is costing me nothing. Still I don’t know if we should meet. Can you PLEASE help me… I need an answer ASAP and well if you can’t help then somehow I’m going to have to decide on my own. *Scary.*

Thanks a million.
— Confused in Canada

BG and her mom respond after the jump!

Disharmony from August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

You rule… I discovered the site lo these many months ago, and can’t start the week without checking in. But now it’s time for me to receive the royal scepter bonk on the head, if you will, or perhaps the superheroine firm but kindly lasso round my constricted brain. Briefly (I swear!): Years of relationships lasting eight months or less. Frankly, I’m tired of it. It’s not that I want to get married per se, but I would like to find someone to, in a way, share the driving duties with me on the road of life. I’m very independent, sassy and all that, and I’m generally happy with my life and most everything is swell or at least manageable–except for this itty bitty absense of a partner. It doesn’t help that I’m in my mid-thirties and most of my friends have already hooked up with long-term squeezes, husbands, and all that, so there are increasingly fewer babes to play with out on the town.

Anyhow, I met this man in a band I was in…it was supposed to be a one- or two-shot deal, a couple of gigs and then b’bye but the music scene here is such that we kept running into each other after *ha* the gig was up. Then, we’re in another short-term band! Hoorah! So, more music, more hanging out. After one of these practices, we go to a party together, and I end up spending the night, and I’m happy, it all seems passionate and mutual and all manners of goodness.

The goodness continues for weeks, until he returns from a trip to the west coast, and is distant. (more…)

Getting out on August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hmmmm…well, first it took me forever just to get up the nerve to write to a cartoon character, and then Lucy had her “not seeing any silly geekgirls” sign out at the psychiatric booth, so here I am, sending an urgent missive to Breakup Girl.

I’m Breakup List fodder for sure, I suppose. I live with my bf of 2.5 years; he likes me only marginally, sometimes, and totally ignores me the rest of the time. He won’t even have sex with me unless it’s dark and, I’m not making this up, he has a pillow over his face.

I am completely amazed that I put up with this, but here I am, snug in my routine and having a difficult time removing myself from what is a most crappy situation. What I need is something to inspire me to get out. Now. Any suggestions? What is the best Leaving Procedure? I haven’t done this before! Thanks!

— Geek Without a Clue

Dear Geek,

Lucy doesn’t know what she’s talking about, anyway. Plus I’ll save you a nickel.

You want Inspiration? Get out now, and you stand a chance of having an actual boyfriend one of these days. Or just… being content, with or without a side of Boy. What BG is guessing is that: that you have, buried in your psyche, some idea that you don’t deserve — or will never do — better. WRONG. I’m saying that not only to be perky and positive, but also because, well, it’s hard to imagine doing worse.

You want Procedure? Say: “I’m moving out. You can keep the pillows.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

P.S. I really don’t mean to be flip, but it — the actual Procedure, anyway – is that simple. You need help dealing with Aftermath, you write me back.

Staying strong on August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend of three years broke up with me. He wanted to go for another girl. The three of us worked together and I was worried that I wouldn’t survive working with him because it would hurt too much to see him come on to her. Well, I did and he did. He tried his damndest to get her but was ultimately shot down. (Is it right for me to get pleasure out of that?). So, now I am presented with a new problem, one that sucks even more. Last Friday, I worked with him. He was exceedingly friendly, I’d say almost a bit too friendly. My friends seem to think that now that he was rejected by her, he’s going to come back to me. I don’t think I like that idea. While we were going out, he was very controlling. He wanted to know where I was 24 hours a day. I couldn’t go out with my friends if he wasn’t there. If I didn’t call him when I was supposed to, he blew up. Anyway, enough babbling, here’s my problem. I am happy with my life since he left, it’s better than it’s been in a long time. But now, they say he’ll be back. When I lie in bed at night, I think about how much I miss his companionship. I know that I have to say no to him, but I’m so scared that I won’t be able to. How to you tell a guy that you were in love with for three years that you don’t want him back, when your heart says you still do? My mind says he’s scum, my friends say he’s scum, my family says he’s scum, but my heart says I miss him. What can I do to make myself strong enough to send him away? I don’t want to be stuck with him, I really don’t, but… I think I still love him. Will that love go away? Please, please, please write back. I’ll send you flowers if you do.

— Shanequa

BG works it out after the jump

Feeling left out on August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I liked this guy for a long time, and we ended up becoming pretty close friends… but just friends. The problem was, I still liked him, and I had the feeling that he liked my best friend. So he and my best friend hooked up recently, and at first I was really upset. But after a long crying-hugging-talking session with my best friend, I felt much better, and now I can honestly say I don’t like the guy as anything more than a great friend. So everything’s just peachy, except for when the three of us get together. I don’t feel jealous or anything, I just feel lonely. It’s like, my two best friends in the whole world are totally happy together, and I’m just alone. I don’t know what to do about this. We did a lot of stuff together as a group before they got together, and had a blast, and they still want me to come along, and most of the time, it’s fine. But then there are those moments– the kind of moments that are not meant for three people. I don’t have a boyfriend, so it looks like we’re just stuck being a threesome (not that kind of threesome!). What should I do?

— Third Wheel

Dear Third Wheel,

Yep, it’s totally easier to deal with Wheels 1 and 2 when they’re not rolling right in your face. So go out with them often enough to maintain the friendship, but don’t feel like a total square if sometimes you feel like just saying no.

Love,
Breakup Girl