Getting comfortable on August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend and I started dating two years ago, and everything has been very good. We are both very athletic and enjoy running, etc. together. When we started dating, he had a great body. However, despite all the working out, his waistline has expanded greatly due to the his terrible eating habits. I have tried very hard to maintain my shape and have succeeded — which he is very happy about. I have known him for a long time and know that he has always had very high standards with respect to the bodies of the women he dates.

In any event, he has let himself go and I feel like he is taking me for granted. He told me that he has always been in great shape in between relationships and looking to date new people — but that he tends to gain weight when he is in one, because he gets “comfortable.” I know I sound superficial, but I feel as if he is being very hypocritical. He would be very unhappy if I had gained almost 20 pounds over the course of our relationship. On top of that, it is beginning to have an impact on my physical attraction to him. I have dropped hints, but nothing seems to work. How do I approach this subject with him?

— Holly

BG weighs in after the jump!

Feeling left out August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My husband Dylan and I have been married for about a year and a half, and so far it’s been great…except when his friend Alex comes to visit. Alex lives out of town, and will occasionally spend a couple of days with us. I like Alex, and we get along fine; the problem is that when he’s here, Dylan tends to completely ignore me. The two will spend the WHOLE TIME playing video games, or watching TV shows I don’t like. Dylan will barely talk to me. Now, I can understand his wanting to do a little male bonding; I like to hang out with only my women friends sometimes. But I start to feel, well, darned lonely after a whole weekend of this. Even though our hobbies don’t completely coincide, Dylan and I are usually very interested in what the other is doing (he comes to my hockey games, I go to his wrestling matches, etc.), and it seems like he doesn’t even care what I do when Alex is here. I’ve tried suggesting things that the three of us would enjoy doing together, but no soap. I’ve been a tad reluctant to talk to Dylan about this, because I kind of feel like I’m being selfish and possessive (“You’re MY husband, and you have to spend ALL your time with ME!”). Do you have any ideas on how I could deal with this?

— ED

Dear ED,

Um, it actually kind of does sound like you’re being selfish and possessive. Unless there’s something you’re not telling me, you guys have (a) a good time together except for a weekend here and there, and (b) hobbies you enjoy on your own. Next time, grab your hockey bag, wave jauntily, and tell them you’ll see them when you see them.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Just starting out on August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

OK, here I go. I am ten years old. At my school, there is a rule “Keep your hands and feet to yourself.” Now, there is this boy who was in my class. He was my ex-boyfriend. His new girlfriend and him hold hands. At my school you aren’t supposed to. When him and I were together he didn’t hold my hand. Now, is ten years too young to hold hands? Does that mean puppy love?

— Desperate to Know

Dear Desperate,

Ten years may or may not be too young to hold hands, but it’s definitely not too young to feel jealous. I’m pretty sure this is what you really want to know: “HEY! How come he holds her hand but he didn’t hold mine???” Breakup Girl can’t really answer that — but she knows it must hurt. Still, at least you’ll be the one hanging out with your friends instead of staying after school for breaking the rules.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Weighty issues on August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay. Here is my question. I am 17 years old and have had 2 boyfriends, but not for over a year. I would like a boyfriend for obvious reasons, but there isn’t really anyone out there who’s right for me. Also, I am wondering if weighing more than 140 pounds (chubby, but not obese, by any means) makes it harder to get someone. If I wait until college, when I will find the right guy? Will he want me? What will people think if I end up 30 and unmarried, 40 and unmarried…?

— Just Asking

Dear Just Asking,

I don’t know what people will think, but I do know that people who are 30 and unmarried, 40 and unmarried…just fell out of their seats over the fact that a 17-year-old asked that question. Oh, sweetie, please don’t worry; you are right on schedule. About the weight, well, the reality is that, yes, in the age of Kate Moss, it may be harder (at square one) for you to get someone. If you choose to shift to a lower-weight lifestyle for health and fitness, be my guest. But Muriel, don’t let me catch you dieting to fit into that wedding dress you saw in a magazine.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Unfamiliar territory on August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s the scenario: I recently started dating this guy and he is extremely nice, and funny, and good to me…when he’s with me. Sometimes two or three days pass without a single phone call, and yet he “bounces” back and is right back to being Mr. Wonderful after these disappearances occur. I know the theory is to leave a man be during this “time to himself” but is this normal in a new relationship? I hope I’m not in denial, ignoring obvious signs telling me to walk away. I have a pretty good head on my shoulders, and I really do have a good feeling about this guy. It’s just that I am used to two different types of relationships. One is where the guy is completely not interested and disappears, and the other is where the guy is sooo on your sh*t that he calls every single day. Both have been disasters. Therefore, I keep telling myself that this is a HEALTHY relationship and that I’m just not used to it. Talk to me girrrrl!

— Jennifer

Dear Jenniferrrrrr,

Let me second that emotion: this is a HEALTHY relationship and you’re just not used to it. Two or three days without a phone call is not a “disappearance.” It’s not even “time to himself.” It’s not anything to “bounce back” from. It’s not the Mr. Hyde flipside of “Mr. Wonderful.” It’s “recently started dating.” Step away from the phone and enjoy it!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Needing to talk on August 10, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First of all, I am only 15. Which might make my problem less significant, but I am going to go ahead and tell you anyway.

My boyfriend of 6 months (who is 17 years old) just broke up with me. Needless to say, my heart is shattered. The fact that he proposed to me makes it even worse. I think he broke up with me because other things became more important. I don’t know what to do. Shortly after we broke up I discovered that I was pregnant. I miscarried. But now I can’t seem to get in touch with him. My question is, should I tell him that I was pregnant? Also when I saw him one day shortly after the breakup he told me he still loved me but he wanted to wait till I turned sixteen before we got back together. I think that is an influence from his Mom. The thing is I still love him so much. I have had offers from other guys but I feel if I go out with some one else I am betraying him in some odd way. Why? I am so confused. I want to contact him but is it wrong to make contact with him before he even tries to get in touch with me? I feel like I can’t put this whole thing to rest unless I discuss my feelings with him in private. We haven’t had a discussion more than 5 minutes long in the whole time since we broke up.

I hope I didn’t confuse you too bad, Breakup Girl. Please help me!

— Confused

BG’s response after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

Ten years ago I had a very passionate, very wonderful relationship with a man I’ll call Rex. We were very much in love, and, being in our mid-20s, were also immature and somewhat foolish. I broke up because of something that, from my perspective, was totally his fault. I kept all his love letters (we lived on different islands) and when I re-read all of them recently, I discovered that our breakup was as much my fault as his.

Last year I found out that Rex was moving to an island near mine. Not coincidentally, I moved to the same island. I began to fantasize about him and the possibilities for a relationship with him — a more mature and committed relationship.

Well, we saw each other for the first time since the breakup a few months ago, and the meeting was … electric. The spark was still there. However, what I did not know until then was that Rex is here with a “partner.” I later found out that Rex will be asking this woman to marry him.

(more…)

Dear Breakup Girl,

Deal: seeing boy for six months, not serious (i.e. never really considering future possibilities) although we spent all our time together. All. He met a girl who lives far away, decided he is ‘in love’ and has been conducting a long-distance relationship with a woman he has met once. Of sorts. He still sleeps at my place (though there is no sex) and we eat together, walk the dog together, trying to proclaim to the world and to ourselves how comfortable we are with being … Just Friends.

His girlfriend (somewhat understandably) goes ballistic when my name is even mentioned, and so he no longer mentions my name to her.

He is completely infatuated with her, but is completely completely unwilling to change things between us. He says that because we are no longer actually having sex, he is not being unfaithful to her … though we still sleep in the same bed and I wake with his arms around me … I know that’s terrible, but HE’S the one who has changed things so shouldn’t HE be the one who is responsible for making sure things change?

Wait, there’s more after the jump!

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating Danielle for about two months now, and I have grown very attached to her. The problem that I have started after our 4th date… She told me that she is in an open relationship with David (who told her back at Christmas time after a year and a half that he wanted to see other people, and wanted her to do the same. Shortly after we started dating David decided that he wanted Danielle back, and she told me about this, and that she wanted to continue the relationship with him TOO. At this point I took two days to decide if I want to get into this situation; the reason that I decided to continue is that Danielle interested me like no other woman that I have ever dated before.

In the last two months I have met several of her friends (who all agree that he should ditch him for me) with whom I get along great; in fact her friend Kristy apologized to me for ever getting the two of them together two years ago. Danielle currently complains that all the two of them do is argue.

Today I find out that, yesterday when she was at his house talking to him, he told her to pick between him and me, and she said “Chris” (me) and he told her to get out of his house, she was apparently ready to walk out the door, when she decided to continue talking with him.

A friend of Danielle’s has been telling me that I should ask Danielle to choose! The main reason that I haven’t done this is because I don’t want Danielle to say “I choose David.” I’d be crushed; on the other hand, if she chose me, I wouldn’t have to continue biting my lip every time his name is mentioned.

I was currently planning on telling Danielle something like “this open relationship between David and me is not working out for me, I don’t want to continue sharing your attention with him; I just don’t feel that we can continue a healthy relationship under these circumstances.”

Any advice? I just don’t know what to do.

— Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught,

Yes, you do.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally published on August 3, 1998.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m single, affectionate, smart, 25, employed (web designer), the whole nine that in theory should be dripping in women. The first part of my lunacy today is an ex I broke up with about a year ago, who I am beginning to think I cared for more than I wanted to admit. I broke up with her because she was nagging me and making me drive to her (LA to North Hollywood) but would never come to my house (she claimed I live in a bad neighborhood). I found out after the breakup that she had been cheating on me (which was stunning, in that I was at her house with her at least 5 nights a week). A year after we met, before the cheating info and after the breakup, I left a rose with no petals, an order of albacore sushi (her favorite) and a bittersweet poem on her doorstep. She claimed she didn’t understand it, we stopped talking at all. It troubled me.

Yet I wake up most mornings thinking about her. I go to sleep imagining us cuddled up together. A yearafterwards. I have dated and dealt with other people, I am actively pursuing someone very unlike her now … why can I not stop thinking about this self absorbed butterscotch bundle of infidelity? My friends almost puke every time I mention her name and hosted a celebration when I broke up with her. It’s insane.

Part 2 — I broke up with this older woman because she was conniving and hatched an elaborate plot over $5. She continued to call for … er, “visits” off and on for months, and has recently halfheartedly tried to pursue me seriously again. Remember I said my friends hate the first girl? It’s practically a jihad against this one, well known to leave 4-10 messages/day on my machine when she’s twitchy. On top of all that she has bad breath! Yet I haven’t told her to bugger off. Is it just physical? I feel so shallow just thinking that may be it.

— Bad Karma

Dear BK,

Lunacy, Part 1: You can’t stop thinking about Butterscotch Bundle because you did not get to have the last word. You tried, but as you said, she didn’t really even get the sushi-gram (so L.A.!), and plus, that all happened beforeyou got the cheating memo. That is what is driving you nuts. And fair enough.

Lunacy, Part 2: If it is just physical with Halitosa McCoy, you are hardly the first person to go there. (In the world, I mean; I don’t know about her past.) Get off your own case. And off the phone with her.

I don’t think you’re insane; I think somehow you’re getting some mileage with your buds by being The Guy with Heinous Girlfriends. It’s always good for a laugh, I’m sure, and also for … avoiding commitment. I’m just saying.

Love,
Breakup Girl

This advice was originally posted on August 3, 1998.