Doing the math on February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a serious problem. I can’t stay interested in a guy for more than three weeks. This has led to many problems. It also results in many heartbreaks, for the guys. I realize this isn’t healthy and I appreciate your advice.

— Kilroy Wasn’t Here

Dear Kilroy,

I’m doing a little guesswork here, but let me just state that relationship time equivalencies are as follows: 3 months calendar time = 3 weeks high school time. This, therefore, is normal.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Growing indifferent on February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating this really stellar guy for three months. We have everything in common that you could possibly hope for, have a great time together, etc. etc. The problem is, I have no sparks for the man whatsoever, to the point where when I was on a recent one-week vacation, I didn’t think about him once. He’s really bitten hard by the love bug, and I think I am crazy for not feeling the same way. You think I should hold out and see if some luv develops, or should I break things off before I lead him on too much? I may be a romantic, but I would like to be with someone who makes my knees weak.

— Carrie in Chicago

 
Dear Carrie,

Funny how we want to be with someone who both supports us and makes our knees weak. Just an observation. Anyway, if, after three months, absence made the heart grow indifferent, well, there you go.

But remember, women are something like eight times more likely than men to sustain knee injuries. So take this as an ill-formed but nonetheless well-intentioned physiology metaphor: that weak-kneed feeling should be the bonus, chemistry, je ne sais quoi part of the relationship. By itself, it’s not enough to stand on.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Ask Lynn, Breakup Girl’s alter ego’s advice column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com), is now being updated monthly rather than weekly, so now you’ll get two new letters each month, starting with…

1. Frustrated was given her name by a man who has become “too tired” to make time for her as often as he used to. Is this legit?

2. Mr. Hug — aka mr-shoulder-to-cry-on — is a nice guy finishing last with two different crushes. Does he have a real shot with these ladies, or should he dry off?

New Depression dating has had plenty of play in the media this year — dates on a dime, broke and breaking up, yada yada. Here’s the latest: library dates.

Oddly, though, the advice here is to use the library resource for romcoms and sex manuals. But just like you bookworms, I’m thinking the obvious: why not hit the libe ON a date? (Was my alma mater the only college where sex in the stacks was a graduation requirement?)

I’m not advocating public fornication. (No really, I’m not.) But I honestly like the idea of browsing the stacks together, trailing your hands across weathered spines, just talking ’bout books. And, okay, I really like the idea of gleaning a few roleplay ideas from that buttoned-up bookstress seated straight-backed at the desk.

All you wizened, still-not-“old“-yet-thank-you-very-much souls in the crowd will enjoy a mature chuckle over this list, brought to you by Tango, of bad-bordering-on-cheesy relationship mistakes (female variety).

Personally, I damn near find serenity in knowing how many of them I used to act out, having now graduated to a level of in-my-bones instinctiveness about what not to do. Such as: “Thinking our partners must be interested in everything we do, think and say”; “Putting so much energy into a fairy-tale romance that we’re disappointed with anything less“; and “Not asking for what we want in bed.” (Amen, sister!) They’re so familiar, they border on cliche — but cliches wouldn’t be cliches if they weren’t rooted in truth.

And so, if these mistakes are a thing of your present, not your past, allow me to offer up a little bon mot I’ve long held dear: “Cliches happen.” Spoken by a very wise, not-very-old, ridiculously sexy man.

Taking stock on February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I can seem to meet men only in the fall or winter of each year and they never, ever last past three months (into the New Year). This has happened to me with almost all of my potential relationships — the ones that I thought would last. I try to find men in the spring, but my aura must be in hibernation. Is having this three-month limitation normal and what can I do to curb it?

— Clueless

 
Dear Clueless,

I’m thinking that sometime maybe in early February, your relationship sees its shadow and thus decides it’s gonna last — for only about six more weeks. Other than that, I can’t really account for the particular seasonal patterns in your relationship almanac, but I will say that three months does seem to be the normal human relationship gestation period. For some reason, that’s as long as it generally takes to get to know someone well enough to decide that that’s, well, enough. If you need proof that it’s not just you, let’s just say you wouldn’t believe how many letters I get that start off just like the next few do.

So there’s really nothing for you to “do” to “curb” your tendency. It’s more about the mysterious internal rhythm of relationships than it is about your, um, “aura.” But listen, Clueless, spring is almost here. Don’t let this hibernation thing become a self-fulfilling forecast.

Love,
Breakup Girl

The more things change on February 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have reached the conclusion that current societal trends suggest that most decent relationships last on average three years. Do you agree that in opposition to the 50’s, contemporary GenX people will therefore exist in a string of three-year relationships and in a constant cycle of grieving and happiness?

— Cross-Eyed and Well-Spun

 
Dear Cross-Eyed,

Are you talking about current societal trends, or are you talking about your current societal life? Anyway — and either way — don’t think for a minute that people in the 50s did not exist in a constant cycle of grieving and happiness (if you remember, it was “Happy Days,” not “Happy Life“). Just because dating procedures were clearer and the institution of marriage appeared more stable, the world — and relationships — were hardly problem-free (McCarthy, Rosa Parks, hydrogen-bomb-building, women “getting pinned,” whatnot). So instead of falsely idolizing times gone by, let’s exist in a constant cycle of grieving and happiness today.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Climbing the corporate lad, from February 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Now that I’m over my ex (although there are still a few of his belongings in my garage; I think I’ll create some metal art), I’m ready to move on. There is a fellow at my workplace whom I’ve recently met; he works in another department in another building, is friendly and has a photograph of he and his daughter on his desk (no wife). I would like to get to know more about him. Well, in this world of appropriate workplace behaviour, how do I get the two of us together outside of the office in order to find out more about him? In my position at work I am confident and can tackle the unknown, but in my personal life I can’t seem to initiate that first step. What’s a professional woman to do?

— Tired of Following the Rules

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May … September … February 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been seeing a much younger man for about two years now (he’s 28 and I am 58). We are really crazy about each other but I am afraid that I may offer him more of a mother-figure relationship than one of a lover. We haven’t talked about “where we are” lately, but should I let him go, or make something more permanent out of it? Yes, I mean marriage. Would it be fair for someone my age to try to wed a young stud like him?

— Darry

 
Dear Darry,

Wow, that is a May-September thing (yeah, as in May 1958, September 1998). Let me ask you this: are you worried about the mother-figure thing in principle, or in practice? I mean, does your concern stem from a vague “Is this weird?” notion — or from some actual dynamic you guys have (e.g. when he didn’t call to say he’d be late for dinner, you took away his phone privileges). Or, for that matter, is there some Freud-oid episode in his past (oh, say, loss of his mother) that might predispose him to seek out a substitute? Or one in your past that might predispose you to be that substitute?

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Justifiable matrimony from February 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend and I are both interested in marriage and children, and find each other sufficiently attractive that we’re willing to consider pursuing those goals jointly. We’re both approaching 40. I’m very shy, so I’ve had only three serious relationships before. She is about equally shy, but has had a little more experience, because as a woman she hasn’t been required to take the first move in relationships.

The thing that worries me is that we share almost no common interests other than our common interest in making a family. Can such a relationship work? Are we just getting desperate, and trying to make a relationship work that really can’t?

— James

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