Short and sweet, via the December 16, 1997 column…

Dear Breakup Girl,
Why are men such pigs?
— Hotratz

Dear Hotratz,
Easy there. I think I know what you’re saying, but I’m not sure it’s what you mean. Pigs are, in fact, clean and fastidious. They are cute, pink, and smart; they can sniff out rare truffles under six inches of soil. I know — and love — lots of boys like that. (Unfortunately, they’re going out with other people.) So there.
Love,
Breakup Girl

That guy you’re chatting up online? He could be … that other guy. This just in from the Wall Street Journal:

“Among the 125 million people in the U.S. who visit online dating and social-networking sites are a growing number of dullards who steal personal profiles, life philosophies, evensignature poems. ‘Dude u like copied my whole myspace,’ posts one aggrieved victim. Copycats use the real-life wit of others to create cut-and-paste personas, hoping to land dates or just look clever. Hugh Gallagher, a 36-year-old writer in New York, is one of the copied. Match.com has more than 50 profiles with parts of Mr. Gallagher’s college entrance essay, which he penned nearly two decades ago and later appeared in Harper’s Magazine. ‘I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees’ and ‘I write award-winning operas’ are among Mr. Gallagher’s most popular lines.”

Read the whole piece for some entertaining anecdotes about people getting royally busted — dude, if you say you write award-winning operas, your date is going to ask about them! — or, on an upside, overhauling their profiles after seeing them cut and pasted onto someone else’s page (!) … and realizing they didn’t like what they’d said in the first place.

Yeah, it’s amusing, and there’s even a happy ending. And if it’s a phenomenon, it’s a phenomenon; report away. But still. BG remains weary of the seemingly endless out-churning of “Gotcha!” articles about online dating that, intentionally or not, perpetuate the misapprehension that the people you find on the Internet are probably lying, that they are NOT WHO THEY SAY THEY ARE. (Why, we revisited that chestnut just this week, in a letter from 1997.)

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A LONG one from December 16, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I’ve just spent $1500 in air fare and hotel bills to visit a man I’d corresponded with by e-mail frequently (often more than once a day) for seven months. We seemed especially well-suited to each other (we have identical graduate degrees) and each of us was amazed at how easy and natural the relationship progressed.

But from the first moment of my arrival, it was obvious that he was not really present or interested. For the next few days, he spent bare minimum time with me — I finally told him I felt like I was his mother’s roommate’s niece that he had promised to show around town.

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Prolonged agony from December 16, 1997…
Dear Breakup Girl,
I was recently dumped by a guy that I went out with for quite some time. Even though I agreed with him that breaking up was the right thing to do (and I really thought I meant it!) I can’t get over him now. I still have to see him quite often since we have a lot of the same friends, and it kills me to see him with anyone else. My friends are also sick of hearing about everything. What should I do to get over him once and for all?
— Still Lusting

Dear Lusting,
Don’t second-guess yourself; I’m sure you did mean it when you agreed that breaking up was the right thing. But breakups are Mixed Feelings City (slogan: “I never want to see you again…unless you’re wearing those jeans”) — and right now, you’re the mayor.

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An eternal question from December 16, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I recently moved out of my boyfriend’s apartment after ending our four year relationship. I’ve met someone else in the past month and I like him, but don’t need any type of commitment from him; we haven’t discussed it at all.
Do I have to resign myself to the fact that he is “trans-man” (transition man)? Or could it be real?
— Dazed & Confused

Dear Dazed,
The Center for Science in the Public Interest recently reported that so-called “trans-fats” (often found in margarine) are more likely than certain other fats to contribute to clogging of the arteries. Similarly, “trans-men” have also been linked to heart problems, not to mention clogging of the brain.

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The first BG Maxim appeared on December 5, 1997…
Dear Breakup Girl,
What does it mean when a guy says “We’ve been friends for so long and I don’t want to not be your friend if we break up after we’ve been going out”? Is that just a decoy, or could it be the truth?
— Wondering

Dear Wondering,
Sorry, pumpkin, it’s the truth. Sounds to me like he likes you, but he doesn’t LIIIIKE you.

AN IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM: When someone says they don’t want to go out with you — for whatever “reason” — take their word for it.

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Serious business from December 5, 1997:

Dear Breakup Girl,
I jokingly told a girl that I would go with her to our school’s formal winter ball. She thought I was being serious and now she wants to go with me. How should I tell her no, in a way that we will still have the same friendship as before?
— Clueless

Dear Clueless,
There are three things you never joke about: (1) carrying a bomb in your suitcase, (2) famine, and (3) taking someone to a winter formal.

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We cleared this up right off the bat, on December 5, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
Is having a boyfriend really worth the risk of rejection?
— Reluctant

Dear Reluctant,
Being in a relationship is like having a car with air conditioning. It makes things much more comfortable, but it also means that there’s a whole new bunch of stuff that can go wrong.
But I ask you: is having a rejection-free life really worth the risk of solitude, boredom, dissatisfaction, lack of adventure, and exposure to the electromagnetic rays emitted by your television? Breakup Girl thinks not. Date on, dude.
Love,
Breakup Girl

Ten years on, I still don’t quite understand this letter from December 1, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I really like this guy. I haven’t met him yet, but we really like each other. The only problem is that my dad just took my phone privileges away. I’m so afraid that while I’m “gone” he’ll find some other girl. I don’t want to lose him. Help!
— Amanda

Dear Amanda,
Meet him, then write to me.
Love,
Breakup Girl

From the December 1, 1997 column…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I am currently in a relationship that I should not be in but the two of us just can not end it. I am starting to see someone else, but I feel really guilty doing so. I have told the old one kind of what is going on and the new one has no clue the other ever occurred. The old flame and I can never be together because of the age difference, but we love each other so much that we just can not end it. We have tried many times before and it seems like it only lasts a day or two before we are back together. What do I do?
— Suzanne

Dear Suzanne,
Yes, major age difference can be a problem; like if you remember where you were when they kicked Puck out of “Real World: San Francisco” and he doesn’t, you guys may not have a lot to talk about. But hey, my old high school chorus-mate Victoria Duffy married Dennis Hopper, 30 years her senior, and when I see her in Interview Magazine at all those benefit galas and awards dinners, she looks awfully happy.

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