Lambert’s guy-liner: pro or con?

(Me: Pro, I guess, though that could explain the tracks of his tears.)

And it exfoliates!

April Fool’s!

We hope.

I ask you, have times become so tough that this is what we have come to?

Q. How does a 45-year-old woman compete for a job with a 25-year-old in today’s fiercely competitive market?

A. With employment enhancement packages — including new boobs and body!

Aaaaand we quote, from an actual! press! release! received here at BG HQ promoting a “Job Fighter Package,” in which a Park Avenue plastic surgeon helps “men and women gain the edge on their competition with their new, cosmetically enhanced looks.” (Specifically, as we’re sure you noted, of their “boobs and body.”)

The release also plays bizarro matchmaker with industry and body part:

Are you trying to land a job in the finance industry? The eyes speak volumes about you — get an eye lift.

Looking for a job as an Executive Administrative Assistant? Consider a boob job and a butt lift to ensure you won’t be forgotten after the interview.

Eager to get back into the real estate game? Go for a face lift to get that fresh faced, polished look.

Hoping to get into PR? Just … don’t.

Studying vibeology on January 26, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m a 19-year-old guy who has never had a girlfriend. I admit, I’m a bit dorky. I’m a computer engineer at NJIT, plus I’m short (5′ 5″) and skinny (115 lbs.) and not good-looking. However, I’m a gentleman, caring, kind, decent amount of money, non-drinker, non-smoker, hard worker, and intelligent. Okay. I’m sure I sound like an even bigger loser now, but is there anything I can do to get girls to notice or maybe even like me? What exactly do girls look for in guys? Thanks.

— Leery

 
Dear Leery,

I AM NOT SAYING YOU’RE UNATTRACTIVE. But I’m not gonna lie to you: you are going to have a harder time with Step One (Being Noticed). Societal standards of beauty, yada yada yada. And women — just like men — do tend to notice looks first (except in cyber-encounters, in which case they notice…fonts). AND women — just like men — have been known to do dumb things just because of how they feel about how someone looks.

(more…)

Okay, it’s all a blur. Earlier this month, I reported that men — definitively! (at least according to SCIENCE) — were most drawn to brunettes. Then BG found even more current research that confirmed the old chestnut about blondes. And now there’s more breaking news on the hue front.  According to ScienceDaily, a new study reveals that “the color red makes men feel more amorous toward women.” That’s red as in plumage — like Jessica Rabbit’s dress — not her hair. In other words, if you thought the world lacked enough pop songs, famously lipsticked kissers, other iconic red dresses and more pop songs to prove it, now we’ve got the scientific stats to back it up. Kinda the same way we figured out the sky is blue.

But speaking of woodland creatures: “Although this aphrodisiacal effect of red may be a product of societal conditioning alone, the authors argue that men’s response to red more likely stems from deeper biological roots. Research has shown that nonhuman male primates are particularly attracted to females displaying red. Female baboons and chimpanzees, for example, redden conspicuously when nearing ovulation, sending a clear sexual signal designed to attract males…findings confirm what many women have long suspected and claimed — that men act like animals in the sexual realm. As much as men might like to think that they respond to women in a thoughtful, sophisticated manner, it appears that at least to some degree, their preferences and predilections are, in a word, primitive.”

[OK, but you know what? Humans are animals. Just ONCE, I’d like to see a study like this that didn’t “conclude,” with great sciencey fanfare, “See? Men ARE animals!” — BG, seeing red.]

Here’s my logic problem. A guy has to choose between a brunette in a red sweater and a blonde in an ivory sweater. Uh oh! Now who’s the belle of the ball? Something tells me this isn’t so black and white. Jessicas and Rogers: what’s your take?

Rose Martelli and Maria Burnham also contributed to this post.

Jackie over at our Hair Desk recently reported the breaking news that gentlemen, in fact, prefer brunettes. Perhaps we spoke too soon.

Researchers at Florida State University embarked on a skin-deep academic journey to uncover men’s preferences for women’s hair length. They learned that men favor loooooong hair. Add thick and brown to the tresses equation and they’ll be swooning. Yes, you heard me correctly – brown. The men studied reported a preference for brunettes over blondes. So why the fascination with her, huh? And where, BG might wonder, does this leave redheads? (Here’s the advice from the report our tipster spotted at AOL Shopping — ! — which itself should tip us off that this inforrmation is more advertorial than scientific: “Don’t have long tresses? Fake it! Shop for a long, brown wig.” Sorry, Det. Scottie Ferguson, it actually does matter to me!)

But while we’re here, just for fun, how heavily does hair length/color weigh in your attraction to a potential mate? What happens on a bad hair day?

Ooh! BG LOVES a good update!

Hey Lynn!

I don’t know if you remember my “lovelorn letter” from last year (around May 2007 you actually published my letter online* and one of my co-workers who had heard my unrequited love story said “Cheryl, this sounds just like you…did you write to this columnist?”) — was the girl crazy in love with my boss, but he was always the gentleman and never, EVER, gave me any reason to think he was the least bit interested.  I worked for him for a year and then moved on to a really GREAT job, lost a bunch of weight and wrote to you and asked “Do you think I should give it one last shot with him?”

Well, I did – I sent him my last e-mail, and it was a good one!!  I hadn’t seen him in six months, I had lost weight, I was in a great place – and he actually responded.  We went out for the first time on June 1, 2007 and we have been dating and crazy in love ever since.  We are planning to get married next fall (2009).

Thank you for your encouraging and straightforward column and for telling me to “give it one last shot” but if it didn’t work out, I would have “closure.”

Cheryl

* The letter is no longer available online. Original text after the jump…

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Would a chick prefer a mate with a sun-kissed complexion? She would if she has wings and a penchant for tree-dwelling lovers.

According to a recent study published in the journal Current Biology, male barn swallows whose breast feathers were darkened appeared more attractive to female birds and showed higher testosterone levels than male swallows left with their natural, lighter coloring.

“It’s the ‘clothes make the man’” notion, said Rebecca Safran, a co-author of the study. “It’s like you’re walking down the street and you’re driving a Rolls Royce and people notice. And your physiology accommodates this.” (more…)

First we had “Call me when you’re skinny,” which we believe set a number-of-comments record here at BreakupGirl.net — and spawned “Skinny 2: The Thickening.”

Now, in your weekly installment of Ask Lynn , BG’s alter ego’s column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com), the buffet tables are turned.

Here, we meet “In Desperate Need of Answers,” who reports that as her boyfriend’s weight waxes, her attraction to him wanes. Related problem: seems that putting him on the bugging-him-to-diet diet isn’t working at all.

What should she do? Read IDNA’s letter here, along with Lynn’s generous helping of advice, and then come back to comment!