Seems the memes are changing on cheating. As writer Wendy Atterberry points out in a recent post on The Frisky, the simultaneous media blitzes for Elizabeth Edwards’ book and Kate Gosselin’s TV show have thrown infidelity into the spotlight — but for perhaps the first time, harsh glares are being cast on the cheated-upon women as much as the philandering men.
The question being asked: not “Why did she stay?” (and “How can she get through that press conference with that poker face?”) but rather (in the case of Edwards) “Why did I like her UNTIL she went on Oprah?” and, in general, “What did she DO to deserve that?”
Zoink! “If we’re going to point fingers at men behaving badly, we have to take a look at the women’s behavior that may provoke it,” Atterberry writes. Provoke?! She is not even talking about Rihanna. “Most issues — especially those within a relationship — are rarely ever black and white with a clear-cut victim and oppressor. People cheat for a variety of reasons, very few of which are strictly because they’re horrible human beings.”
OK, but you know what? People also cheat in relationships with delightful spouses. And people’s wedding vows to be faithful didn’t come with an asterisk. (*”Unless you’re a beeyotch.”)
We’re not saying women, including but not limited to Kate Gosselin, are always above reproach. But saying — in the name of some sort of new “equality,” as Atterberry does — that they somehow asked to be treated poorly…huh, where have I heard that? That they asked to be beaten? Asked to be raped? This is not enlightened. The only thing lamer than cheating is suggesting that someone drove you to it. Neither spouse, no matter how hellish to live with, should be blamed for the full and adult (or juvenile, depending) choices made by the other.
Now I’m going to go watch Jon & Kate and pretend none of this ever happened.
My problem is that it always seems that the guys who want to get involved with me are the ones who have girlfriends waiting at home for them. One guy in particular introduced me to his girlfriend without my even having a clue that he had one. I’m really afraid of repeating the same mistake. Do you know of any signs or signals that I can look for to ensure that this will not continue to happen?
— Completely Misunderstood Dear Misunderstood,
Use the word “scrunchie” in a sentence. If he understands you, he’s got a Betty back at home. (Alternate test word: “loofah.”)
I am a married woman in love with a married man. Do you think married people have the right to be in love with someone else? I never want to cheat on my husband, but I am very in love with the other man. Please help.
–Nano
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Dear Nano,
Do married people have the right to be in love with someone else? Yeah. And the KKK has the right to march, and Hanson has the right to sing. These “rights” are principles; they don’t mean that nobody gets hurt. You’re doing your best to be noble, but clearly something is amiss. The question you really should be asking is: “Where did I write the number of that marriage counselor?”
I went out with a girl (and I mean the term girl as opposed to woman) for nineteen months. She was immature, financially and personally irresponsible, and intellectually challenged. I am the kind of person who has a very close inner circle of five or six friends and rarely lets other people in. I let her in to my inner circle, and treated her as more than an equal in that circle.
I recently found out that she cheated on me. I gave her a second chance, and she did it again. She had lied to me on more than one occasion in the relationship, but I kept forgiving. I threw her out.
“In my day, if we wanted to commit adultery, we trudged 14 miles in the snow to the next farmhouse over, and we made love on a scratchy bale of hay. You’d get your rocks off, but you’d also get a low-grade infection from all the minor cuts and scrapes. And we liked it! We loved it!”
Time to dust off all your antiquated notions of who’s cheating, why and how. A story published this week in the New York Times says that marital infidelity is markedly up among the young and the old — never mind such well-worn scenarios as the Seven Year Itch or the forty- or fiftysomething midlife crisis:
“The lifetime rate of infidelity for men over 60 increased to 28 percent in 2006, up from 20 percent in 1991. For women over 60, the increase is more striking: to 15 percent, up from 5 percent in 1991. The researchers also see big changes in relatively new marriages. About 20 percent of men and 15 percent of women under 35 say they have ever been unfaithful, up from about 15 and 12 percent respectively.”
And what are considered the culprits of all this out-of-wedlock canoodling? The more societal scourges change, the more they stay the same… drugs and porn! Researchers quoted in the article say that newfangled voodoo fixes like Viagra and hormone replacement therapies have allowed seniors to “express their sexuality into old age,” while the proliferation of Internet porn may be “affecting sexual attitudes and perceptions of ‘normal’ behavior” among the impressionable young.
Other modern trappings — such as cell phones, IMs, and that Holiday Inn Express you stayed in last night — may also be to blame for the significant rise in adultery among women: “…married women are more likely to spend late hours at the office and travel on business. And even for women who stay home, cellphones, e-mail and instant messaging appear to be allowing them to form more intimate relationships.”
If I were a sociology undergrad, I’d try to impress the bejeesus out of my prof by tying all this in to other examples of how modern society, with all its lifesaving/moneymaking innovations, seems geared towards isolation: Bowling Alone, dinner alone, etc. And that then, when an individual, even a married one, gets to a point where he/she feels isolated even from his/her own spouse, a more despearte lurch towards intimacy, such as an extramarital affair, is more likely to take plac.e
Then again, I never actually took any sociology courses, so you tell me what you think in the Comments section below.
I am totally calling AppleCare. HOW did the BG supercomputer miss this yesterday? No, not this, THIS! On the one hand, it’s no surprise, given this. On the other … aw, I’m just sad. They honestly seemed like a good match! (Not even gonna go into this.)
And, frankly, yes: I’m feeling a little bereft about the fact that neither has called BG for super-support. Guess maybe they’re aware of le petit conflict of interest?
So okay, I’m just going to pop some popcorn, make some Sleepytime, and work my way back through The Red Shoe Diaries to see if I can pinpoint exactly what went wrong.
I had been engaged to this girl for eight months and I had been going with her for a couple of years. I phoned her one night to see what she was doing and was told that she was gone for a walk. So I waited a few hours and phoned again. The second time I spoke with her little sister and was told she was out walking with the guy from up the road. They had been out walking for three hours and it had gotten dark an hour before. So I went to find my wayward wife to be. When I arrived at her place she was there waiting for me. She told me this story…
Filed under: Advice — posted by Breakup Girl @ 10:15 am
Here, your weekly installment — now on Mondays!* — of Ask Lynn, the advice column penned by BG’s alter ego at MSN.com (powered by Match.com). This week we meet Edgy in Erie, and right away we see where she got her classic alliterative nom-de-lovelorn:
“I find myself on edge all the time,” she writes of her boyfriend, “because …
e-mail to a friend in need
I am totally calling 
