And I was worried about getting my books back from my ex when we broke up!

A man in China was so upset when his girlfriend broke up with him (via text message) that he threatened to post their sex videos online if she didn’t get back together with him. He also stole her wallet.

This display of chivalry did not make her change her mind. Instead, it made her call the cops. The gent was placed on probation and sentenced to 100 hours of community service. The judge told Chris Brown him he was lucky he got off with a light sentence.

The whole story — bad English translation included — is here.

Trying to readjust on March 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend of three years recently broke up with me. I don’t know what went wrong. She didn’t even tell me in person, but e-mailed me the breakup letter. I tried calling and telling her that we should talk about whatever it is that’s causing her to want to break up, but she avoids my phone calls. I e-mailed her asking her why and her reply was that her feelings for me were fading. But my question is: how can her feelings for me change so quickly? We always had fun together and I know she likes me and I like her. I’m just confused. And she also wants me to find someone else!?!?!? Why would I do that when I love her? Oh yes, her letters to me were … hmmm, how should I say this? — cold and without feeling. It was like another person was writing the letter and not her. What should I do now?

— Missing Her

(more…)

A moving response on March 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I dated this guy for six months. I’m 40, he’s 25. We were getting along so great — then as soon as I let down my walls, told him I had feelings for him, he broke up with me. He’s moving away and doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. What’s the deal? Plus, I hate being broken up with by e-mail … what a coward. .

–Deena

Dear Deena,

You guys have heard what I always say about the C-word. You know, Canada. Where people tend to flee to when they feel like they’re about to have to make a commitment (for Canadians, it’s Cleveland). Which is most likely what happened with your young buck. And in this case I think it was more a function of age (sowage of wild oats surplus, yada yada yada) than of gender.

(more…)

Of all the things I’ve done with possessions from failed relationships — trash, garage sale, bonfire — it never once occurred to me that I should start a museum dedicated to my failed love affairs. But that’s exactly what two Zagreb, Croatia artists, Olinka Vistica and Drazen Grubisic, did when they broke up.

The pair told the BBC they wanted to do something creative with the pain they were feeling. They collected objects that represented their relationship and asked their friends to do the same with their past breakups. More than 100 objects later, the Museum of Broken Relationships is up and touring.

Currently showing in Kilkenny, Ireland, the museum has plans to return to North America in 2010 with possible stops planned in St. Louis; Providence, R.I.; and Toronto.

Among the objects in the exhibit: a wedding dress, a bicycle, a prosthetic leg from a man who fell in love with his physical therapist and an axe from a woman who chopped up the furniture of her cheating female lover.

The museum is still collecting exhibits (details of how to donate are on its Web site). I have a stupid Texas Longhorns bottle opener that plays the university’s fight song that might look good on one of its shelves. What would you donate?

Cohabits die hard on February 23, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I live with my boyfriend of three years and something happened two months ago that he totally misread and now he won’t even talk to me. He told me it is over but has made no plans to move out. He sleeps on the couch, I got the bed. He won’t have anything to do with me and I just don’t get it. I have done everything humanly possible to make him see that I love him and want this to work out for the long haul. He says it is over. I feel that if he wants it over so bad he should be the one to leave. You figure he would be sick of sleeping on the couch. I want to get on with my life. I want to date. If he does not want me I feel that I should be able to find someone who does. How so I make him see that he has got to go so that I may actually have a shot of getting over him and moving on?

— Confused in Bethesda

Dear Bethesda,

Um, it’s going to be kind of hard to “date” with your ex-boyfriend on the couch. Start packing. Your stuff.

Love,
Breakup Girl

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that sometimes you’ll find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego, who is not the one in the picture — over at Happen.

1. Like today! Here, we read the plea of Just Want to Move On, who … well, you know. Trick is, the ex in question was not exactly a catch. So why is she still hooked? Read her Q and Lynn’s A, and then come back here to comment.

2. Also new: double trouble. My boyfriend hates my twin! As always, then dish about it here.

If these two kids can’t make it work, what hope is there for working stiffs like you and me?

Oh Reggie and Kim, we had such high hopes for you.

Well, at least there’s another season of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” to look forward to.

The purgative act of writing has long been balm to the agony of breakup — how else to explain 84 percent of pop music and the turgid poetry of many a 34 — er, 12-year-old girl? But when Kathleen Horan broke up with her long-time boyfriend in 2006, she penned neither love song nor journal, but rather something she felt even more fitting for her love’s grim fate: an obituary.

The idea led to relationshipobit.com — and now to a book, full of melancholy necrologies that begin like this:

Mary and Steve’s four-year on-again off-again relationship died suddenly of shock when Mary asked Steve if he had any intention of marrying her.”

(Condolences to their family and friends. Except the ones who say they’re “relieved.”)

Here’s mine:

Maria and Bobby’s love, which was born at a Chili’s in Maryland and went on to defy logic and fried food, died recently in New York. It was 10 years old.

The cause was an inability to commit, coupled with a refusal to let go of an ex-girlfriend, and lies.

The couple met when Maria worked as a waitress at the chain restaurant and Bobby came in as a customer with a friend late one weekday evening. The couple dated for about a year before distance came between them. But they stayed in touch through the years, despite several moves, failed relationships with other people and other life
problems. Then three years ago, they both wound up in New York. Both were single and a passionate love affair began. Unfortunately one half of the couple was more serious than the other, who was more emotionally damaged by his last relationship than he cared to admit.

The are survived by one set of Mr. Met salt and pepper shakers, a
shared love of Diet Pepsi in a bottle, and a cat that he hated.

In lieu of flowers, write your own here — or here.

JULY 22: Tomorrow!

How I Learned We Were Breaking Up. “How I Learned” is a monthly reading series featuring writers, comedians, bloggers and performers as chosen by hostess Blaise Allysen Kearsley based primarily on personal hygiene and make-out prowess. This month’s show features Dan Allen, Menachem Kaiser, [BG alter ego] Lynn Harris, and Diana Spechler. 8pm (doors open at 7), Happy Ending, 302 Broome Street (between Forsyth & Eldridge), NYC. FREE!