Wanting a do-over on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve had an on off relationship with this guy for about year. Finally, towards the end of the school year we have a pretty stable thing going. But then comes summer, filling my schedule until I saw him less than once a month. So I decide to break it off. It made sense at the time but now I realize I really do love him. It’s like not having him makes me want him more. We have no classes together but I see him in the halls and at parties. He’s a big flirt so I can’t tell how he feels about me. How can I let him know how I feel about him without making it obvious to the world?

— Jacklyn

Dear Jacklyn,

Um, tell him, not the world. I know it’s pretty much the same thing, this being high school and all, but still. One friend of BG’s once told someone how he felt by taking out an ad in the college paper. That’s what I’d call “obvious to the world.” (Also, it didn’t work.) Instead, find a place where you can talk one on one (like the phone), and ask himwhat he thinks about a do-over. If he’s into it, great. But if he says no, don’t you dare tell the world he’s a jerk.

Good luck!

Love,
Breakup Girl

Trapped in the middle on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating this girl for about a month now. She is a really pretty, nice, smart, and sweet girl. But there is a problem. I think that I might have started dating her for the wrong reasons. There is this guy that keeps bugging her and tells her that he loves her and all this junk, and she doesn’t like it. The more I think about it, the more I feel that I started dating her to protect her from this guy.

But, that’s not all. I’m the type of guy that my friends rely on to help them with their troubles. Especially being the middle man when my friends break up. You know, being the nice guy, trying to cheer them up. But this time something happened between me and the girl whom I was trying to cheer up. This is another big problem because the girl just broke up with one of my good friends.

I need some serious help.

— Flip

Dear Flip,

Whoops!
Here’s how to be a gal’s main — not Middle — man. Trust her to like you because you’re being who you are, not because you’re Helping. When the next one comes along (or, at least, when you reevaluate your current flame), assume she wants a boy, not a bodyguard (unless she’s Whitney Houston).

Love,
Breakup Girl

Apart of nothing from October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 16 years old and recently my boyfriend moved quite far away. We were very much in love. When it came to the idea of breaking up, my boyfriend told me we weren’t really breaking up, we are “breaking apart.” Whatever that means. I’m really not sure. It will be a very long time before he comes back to visit and I don’t know if I should date ever. I still love him a lot and I know that he is the only guy I want to be with, but is it foolish to wait at such a young age. I know I should probably be discussing this with him but I’m not sure he understands either. Every thing is so confusing. I’d really like to know if I’m wasting my time and if I should even still call him my boyfriend. I hope “breaking apart” isn’t just a nicer term for breakup but I don’t understand the so-called difference. Do you think you could clear this up for me? I would really like to know where I stand.

— Isabella

Dear Isabella,

Never mind the difference between up and apart— I think the real keyword is away. As in “quite far.” I’m not saying you shouldn’t try and stay “together,” but it will be hard — especially if you don’t talk to each other honestly about what your intentions and expectations are. This situation is totally confusing! Your brain knows it’s foolish to wait, but your heart’s like, “….Waaaaaaaiiit!” So yeah, give yourselves a real talk — how does each of you feel about “seeing other people?” etc. — and give yourselves some time to get used to being apart, whatever your status. Even if the new key word turns out to be over, you’ll be down, but — I promise — you’ll get through. (How can I be so sure? Remember: he’s away, not in all of your classes. Waaaay easier to move on.)

Love,
Breakup Girl

Sex with an Ex on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Let’s-call-him-Jack and I have been broken up for nearly six months after dating for nearly 3 years. We tried the friend thing for a while and it worked out quite nicely except I foolishly took every nicety as a sign that he wanted me back. But now I know that just isn’t going to happen and I’m fine with it, although I still think about him every day, multiple times a day. However, I sort of have the hots for someone else AND am enjoying being single. My question is, Jack and I started sleeping together again in late June (we broke up in March) and have done it 5 times since then. We are always drunk when this happens but the sex is INCREDIBLE. The first few times he would not kiss me and we would not cuddle afterwards, just roll over and go to sleep. However, I mentioned the no-kissing policy made me feel like a prostitute so the last two times he has kissed me and held me BEFORE and AFTER we did it. The problem is, I know it is stupid to have sex with an ex, but what if it is REALLY good and you aren’t nursing false hopes of reconciliation? Also, what’s up with the kissing thing? Please help!!!

— Confused yet Satisfied

Dear Confused yet Satisfied,

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: of course the sex rocks your world. There’s no aphrodisiac like a breakup. As in, “You look great without … commitment.”

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Opening up on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m a 18-year-old college student who is really shy. There’s this girl in one of my classes who I’m attracted to. I think she’s attracted to me, also. We played the little game where you look at someone and when you get caught by that person, you look away. I haven’t had a g/f in a long time. I also haven’t been really lucky for some reason with girls. We say hi to each other when we meet. But we never really talk. So I would like to know how should I go about to start talking to her? I don’t want to open myself to her so much. And I don’t want to get my hopes high either. I would really like to get to know her, but really don’t know where to start. If you have any advice, I would really appreciate it. Thanx for your time.

— Edward

Dear Edward,

Talking to someone is not the same as opening up to someone. Some people talk to each other for years without ever opening up. You start talking, you open up, little by little, as you’re ready. So take a hint from Chris (below) and pipe up.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Commuting sentences on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I like this girl that rides my bus, but I’m kinda shy and can’t get the nerve to approach her… (pretty common problem, I guess). Anyways, It’s really hard becuz she is the shy type too and quiet… So I keep trying to think of some way to start a conversation with her without

1. coming off as a jerk (i.e. what I say sounds like a line) or

2. just plain freaking her out.

We don’t have any classes together, which makes it HARD to talk to her as I’ve said. Also, she lives in my neighborhood but I’ve never noticed her before and don’t know where she lives. Got any ideas? I would appreciate your help extremely.

— Chris

Dear Chris,

Yep, totally common problem. You may be shy, but you also may be … human. We can work with that. How about, “Hey, it seems like you live in my neighborhood, but I don’t think I’ve seen you around until now. Did you move here recently?” That’s a pretty freak-free opening. Can’t imagine that she wouldn’t be flattered.

And hey, flygirls: If Bus Boy hasn’t talked to you, don’t assume that he doesn’t want to. He could be writing to BG about you right now.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Reuniting on October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Help me oBG-Kenobi, you’re my only hope! Okay, a year ago I moved to New York City from California to begin graduate school. I left behind a guy there with who I had a very drawn out, sticky, co-dependent relationship for about 5 years. Here’s the background–we started dating senior year of high school. While we had similar interests, what kept us together was this unhealthy nurse-patient relationship with a constant cycle of fighting and breaking up to keep things interesting. He has a disease that’s making him slowly go blind–it’s sort of like a progressive tunnel-vision. And that was diagnosed when he was 13 (sometime around when he had just seen Top Gun and decided that he wanted to be an Air Force pilot) and then he was declared legally blind when he was 16, right after he’d signed up to get his driver’s permit. So far he hasn’t learned to cope–no disability training and his old room is filled with model fighter planes. Spooky.

But with sheer will and determination he’s pursued interests in athletics and music which you would have never thought possible. The down side is that he always plays himself as a victim and constantly alienates his friends with his “everyone is out to get me” attitude. I’m sure if he would ever consent to seeing a psychologist, a lot of this behavior wouldn’t come as a surprise. So my role in this relationship is that I’m the only one who really understands him and he was incredibly emotionally dependent on me. For me it was a “I needed to be needed” thing. The problem was that he has no ability to handle conflict–arguments escalated quickly, he could be so easily provoked it was laughable, but what wasn’t so funny was how quick he was to say cruel and terrible things to me when he was angry. My way of handling it was to be a peacemaker or avoid conflict entirely–for a long time I had no spine to fight back, and anyway, it was easy to anticipate what would anger him (ie everything). As a result, there were a lot of things I never told him because I knew how he’d react (like that he wasn’t the first person I slept with even though he thinks we were eachother’s first–could it get any worse??). So for 5 years we were on again, off again, each time I would forgive and hope/think that maybe he’d changed. Yes I had low self esteem in my relationships. We were together when I decided to go to New York for graduate school and he was considering coming out here after he finished an extra year of college. But by the time I was ready to leave I had a few epiphanies and realized that enough was enough and now was the time to start over. I told him that I was going to New York and I am on my own now. And that was *supposed* to be goodbye for good. It has been one year and I had not heard from him. The time and distance has allowed me to heal and understand the mistakes both he and I made. But now out of the blue I receive an e-mail from him–HE’S MOVED HERE!!!

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Wanting more on October 12 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Hi!!! I am 18 and during my life, I have been through a lot of guys. At first, I liked the one nighter deal thing and my friends couldn’t belive that I was letting all the guys treat me like a sex object. Anyway, I got labelled ‘slut’ because the popular guys were interested in me and the popular girls got jealous. The friends who stuck by me during this time, I later found out that they were using me to get closer to the guys they liked and called me a slut behind my back. (This was when I was 14 – 15.) When I turned 16, I fell in love, but he “played” me so I took a year to get over it and it killed me. Then after that, my relationships have been short (all my life they have been short i.e. 2 hours, 2 weeks, 3 months) hehe ooops.

I so want a LONG LOVING CARING RELATIONSHIP, I’m sick of getting used as a freakin sex toy, I want a man to actually like me for who I am, not for my appearance, but where the hell do you find one of those!! *L* I’m very affectionate, emotional and caring and I get hurt easy, it’s hard to find a man like that though. Like, I’m finding it real hard to trust men now. What should I do, do you think?

— Lisa

Dear Lisa,

I can’t tell you — or anyone — specifically “how” to trust people, but I can tell you this: don’t sleep with them until you do. If, boys and girls, a “long loving caring relationship” is what you’re looking for. YES, some long loving caring relationships definitely do start out as Take Me, NOW! Fine. But so far, Lisa, that hasn’t been your pattern. And I’m not saying you should play some sort of grody “good girl” withholding game. But if you want things to last differently, then have them begin differently. Then it’ll be way less easy for you to say, “Here we go [out for two hours] again.” And you and your beaux will both get the message: “Whoa, in order for this to work, we’ve got to be serious about actually getting to know and trust each other.” The boys will sort themselves out, and so will you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

The Predicament of the Week from October 12, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Could you please give me advice on permanently removing a leech from my bruised skin?

I’m a 33 year-old, good looking, stable, professional, financially-secure, in-shape, blah, blah, blah, GWM. But I’m totally inexperienced in relationships. Last December I got together for coffee with a guy from the personals without a detailed telephone screening in advance (never do that — if he doesn’t have time to talk on the phone and says “let’s just meet,” run away!). He turned out to be really cute and masculine-looking, but with no job and living with a friend. So I knew that a relationship was out, but it was Friday night and I had no plans so I took him home. The sex was great. He was fun to be with. A week later he had a job so I decided to date him figuring he’d quickly find a place to live and all would be OK.

But then, I introduced him to an experienced friend who the next day told me “This guy’s stupid, shallow, a user and a manipulator. You are fated to get totally involved with him and destroy your life. Mark my words and don’t come looking for help later.”

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Meeting the parents on October 5,1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Here’s one I haven’t yet run across in your advice column…say you have a great relationship in every way, but as it evolves you find out the Jew/Gentile thing prohibits a future (read: marriage/living together). So why is he letting you both get in deeper when he knows he can’t take you home to meet his mother because you’re not ‘ethnic’ enough??? But you’re both so far into adulthood that how to raise any children isn’t even an issue and you both know that nothing this good has ever come along for either of you? Should the taboo against marrying a Gentile outweigh a chance for a dynamite love and friendship? I’ve pondered this for several years, still no peace of mind on this one. Thanks.

–Too WASP But Willing to Change

Dear WASP,

For this question about meeting the mother, how about we meet with Breakup Mom?

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