Second thoughts on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend left for college and I’m a senior in high school….and quite honestly I don’t know what to do. We agreed to stay together because (if I get accepted…and who wouldn’t accept the 4.129 on the ACT student that I am?) chances are I’ll go to the same school as he next year (been interested in it since WAY before we ever met…and he isn’t going there because of me…) and we’ll graduate at the same time (cause I’m taking 4 AP classes and will earn a bunch of college credits from them!) Anyway, problem is, now I’m really lonely and having second thoughts.

I can’t really get out and do that much anyway, I’m spending lots of time studying (because of those four AP classes. And he’s going to school about 12 hours away! So it’s not like I’m going to cheat on him…even though my friends want me to (A**holes.) I really really really love him and swears the same to me. He’s always been good to me, so good to me, he’s so perfect and we think alike and…sigh* But I’m so lonely and unhappy here now. I don’t know if I can live like this for a whole nine months (give or take about two weeks.) It’s just too hard and this IS my senior year. He even told me I could see other people if nothing came of it (does this mean he might do the same? I’m not going to and I really don’t want him to do it. It’s not fair for the other person…leading them on and all, and I don’t think it’s fair for me if he does it either.) (oh yeah, and what if he falls in love with somebody else? What happens to me then?) Truthfully, the only guys I was even slightly interested in ever in the past four years have all either joined the Navy or left for college now. I don’t have that many friends at all…and I just feel like crap. Why’d he have to go to school so far away? I already don’t like this LDR thing, I’ve felt like crying for weeks. Everybody I know says to break up with him–but I’ll even be more alone then. And I need and want his parents help next year when I leave for school (my parents aren’t willing to make that long trip.) He told me not to be sad, so I don’t want to tell him how I feel! But I AM sad, I can’t help it, I don’t know that there is anything else I can ever be! I don’t know if breaking up would help or not, I think not. But I need something! Oh what should I do?

— LDR Gurl

BG goes the distance after the jump!

You say you want a resolution on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

It’s been just shy of two months since my ex-fiance and I broke up. He’d been cheating on me with some girl from the Internet as a way of avoiding the fact that we weren’t getting along as well as we used to. The relationship was troubled way before Ms. Naughty Chat came along: she was just the catalyst for what I didn’t want to believe was the inevitable. He’d given up on me long before I’d given up on him… he calls it “being further along in the grieving process” which frankly makes me want to puke from all the pop-psychological flavor of the statement.

Despite all that both of us did to f**k things up between us, both of us (really, truly) do want to be friends, because we were actually really good friends before everything fell apart and it would be a waste to not try to get some of that back, even though the romance will never be there again. (I miss him like that, too, but I don’t trust him in that department anymore.)

Part of the problem with this is that I feel that a lot of stuff between us is unresolved… there’s a lot of unanswered questions about why and when and how that he hasn’t answered yet. He says that it’s as answered as it’s going to be (i.e. hardly at all) and that we should try to move on. This reminds me of that ugly-ass statement that floated around in the political world a few years ago: “Now is a time for healing.” Except that politicians only said it after things like the Rodney King verdict and after bombing some country. The implied thing here is “Okay, I know I’ve just punched you in the gut, and you really either want to know why, or punch back, but NOW IS A TIME FOR HEALING, meaning you’ll just have to be a good sport and get over it.”

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Keeping things interesting on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Is there something in between having sex and not having sex??? Because if there is, I need to know what it is in order to hang onto a guy after the third date!

See, in December I fell for this guy and we clicked — tons of e-mail, great two dates, great phone conversations, he bought me a plane ticket so I could end my visit home early and see him. Well, he picked me up from the airport, we did the deed, he dumped me over e-mail the next day saying I gave it up too easy.

Gun shy and hurt, I spend the next several months healing, working hard in my profession and building inner-strength. Then last Saturday night I go out with this *great* guy and we have an absolutely fabulous 11 hour date. He couldn’t wait to see me again so we met up the next night. That night he arrives with lips and hands in motion, makes the move, I (learning from the past) ask if we can hold off, he runs. It was like having the Roadrunner exiting my apartment (meep! meep!).

You sleep with a guy — he bolts.

You don’t sleep with a guy — he bolts.

So back to my original question. Is there something between having sex and not having sex where a girl can keep her self-respect AND get to the fourth date?

— Bitten Smitten Kitten

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Finishing last on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while now, and I’ve been hearing rumors that she wants to break up with me. The main problem is that I’ve heard that reason is that she likes this loser who’s known as a “bad boy.” You know the type. Into drugs, sneaking out of the house, heavy drinking, doesn’t say much, doesn’t come to class much… my question is, why do girls always seem to go for the bad guy instead of the good guy?

— Joe

Dear Joe,

I’ve talked about the Nice Guy thing a lot before, cautioning everyone that the opposite of Nice Guy is not Mean Guy; it’s a nice guy who also acts like a boyfriend-guy who’s not “too nice” to ask you out. But about the bad boy thing, yeah, fair enough. For men, it’s the thrill of the chase; for women, it’s the thrill of the … car chase. If you wanna dig into the whole psychology of the phenom, there’s a mildly cheesy but quite informative book called — guess — Bad Boys that can give you some good answers. (If you want to retain any semblance of badness yourself, I’d get a friend to pick it up for you.) I will say this, though: most people assume that we go for the baddies (if/when we do) out of some sort of pathetic zero-self-esteem “Hurt me! Ignore me! You’re right, drugs are more interesting than I am!” impulse. Well, okay, yeah, that’s pretty on the mark. But sometimes, it’s also this misguided faux-noble mission to be the one to — claim to — find the diamond in the roughneck. Or sometimes, you seek out the bad boy to make you look good (though also, granted, dumb) by comparison.

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn helps Frozen-with-fear Phil who has gotten plenty of first dates, but is baffled when it comes to making the next move:

Is a tie too much, or will I look over-dressed? Should I touch my date’s arm, her shoulder… or not touch her at all? When is it OK to talk about certain subjects? Do I wait for the awkward moment at the end of the date for a kiss or not? These are just a few of the thousands of questions that go through my head. I don’t know what to do about any of it, and it’s making me sick.

Read the full letter at Happen Magazine for some ground rules from Lynn. Then come back here and add your own suggestions in the comments below!

Loving too much on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How many times do you think a woman should get divorced before she should begin to question the validity of her choice to continually get married? Do you think women should start to re-think the whole marriage idea after two divorces? Four? Five? Or do you feel that as long as the woman is happy going from marriage to marriage, she should do so, regardless of what she does to her reputation, her children, and those men she leaves behind? Is marrying a right, to be exercised as you please, or is it more of a responsibility, especially after multiple divorces? Should society simply turn a blind eye to women who marry time and time again, only to divorce a year or two later to start again? Or should someone (for example, a Super Heroine who specializes in breakups) start some sort of therapy group for women who unceasingly seek marriage, only to seek divorce? Thanks.

— Crazy Doug

Dear Crazy Doug,

How many questions do you have to ask Breakup Girl before she realizes they aren’t entirely hypothetical?

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No way out on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with the same person for 2 and a half years now, and things have been really good–the best I’ve ever had. However, since I’m 25, and most of my friends are around that age too, the big topic/issue/event of this past summer should be obvious–yup, weddings. Goin’ to ’em, bein’ in ’em, bridal showers, engagement parties, flowers, dresses everything. Luckily, it’s mainly “other” people, not close friends. (A co-worker; my best friend’s old high school chum; the son of some of my parents’ friends, etc.)

But—and this is an important but—it is driving me absolutely insane. Normally a reasonable and logical person, I am finding myself alternating between renting movies or surfing web sites or talking to engaged people, basically doing having to do with weddings OR feeling the urge to dump my boyfriend, quit my job, and flee the country. Hike around Europe by myself, work in a coffee shop, basically pretend I’m still 19. Or pick up guys in some random bar. Something. Anything but wearing white. All of which would be fine if it weren’t for the dreams. Yup. Normally sane me has been having terrible anxiety dreams where I get married but I don’t want to, where my boyfriend catches me kissing other guys, everything. I want to marry this guy, eventually. Maybe even in a year or two. I just want to stop being bombarded by this whole mudslide of marriage details while I’m trying to figure out my own life. (And yes, I know, the magazines/movies/stores have always been there, I just never noticed.)

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Having trust issues on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

First of all, thank you so much for writing this column!! It really helped me through the days that I was depressed after my boyfriend of 11 months unexpectedly broke up with me. We had been broken up for four months when we had a really big talk and decided to try again. We’re a month into this stage of our relationship and it’s been going really well. We have one issue, though. He thinks that he shouldn’t have to tell me about anything (sexually) that he did during the four months that we were apart. He thinks that I should just trust him when he says that he has not done anything that will put me at risk. He claims that he doesn’t want to hear anything from me– but I already told him that I didn’t sleep with anyone else– and doesn’t like to think of me as having ever been with anyone else. I think that he just doesn’t want to tell me that he was with other girls– doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, admit to casual sex, whatever. I think that it is important to know, though. He claims that it is just curiosity and that I should be content with the fact that he cares about me and no one else.

Help!! Am I being too pushy? Am I being unreasonable?

— Confused

Dear Confused,

Another chance to reiterate my policy on this: don’t ask, don’t tell. Do you trust him about the not putting you at risk part? If so, then clench your fists and drop it. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: don’t create some false gold standard of full disclosure and ask each other more than you really want to know. The answer will likely be: more than you really wanted to know.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Growing apart on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Damn it. I can’t believe I’m writing this.

I am currently married to a person I have been with for five years. We have an almost two-year old son whom we both adore. My husband is not a jerk. He’s not abusive. He’s not distant or cold or boring or loveless. He even gets my jokes, for god’s sake. My mother thinks he’s Mr. All Time Wonderful (“the son she never had”, only she likes my brother a lot as well).

When we met he was an economics major and heading to do his masters in pure math. I had messed about in high school and so had to do “time” in college before I was even able to get into a University program. Things have turned out rather well for me. I’m finishing up my degree (in English lit and Religious Studies) this year — I took time off to have our son — and will probably begin my masters next fall. I’ve also ‘fallen in’ with the literary crowd round here and there is pressure to publish from other published people (I write poetry so we aren’t talking big bucks here). My husband now has a fairly good job as an accountant and rather than taking a masters he’s gone the route of professional designations — which is no bad thing in and of itself.

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Making a move on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I like this boy I barely know, but I know him well enough to know his name. We are both in the same grade, 8th. I’m not the type of person to ask someone out, I’m afraid I’ll be rejected. Plus he’s going out with someone and I doubt he knows who I am.

All the other people say that I should flirt with him, say hi and stuff, but it’s hard on me cause im kinda shy. What am I supposed to do, walk up to him and just say, “Hi!” That’s kinda awkward for me.

His girl’s locker is in the same aisle as mine and he’s there. I never said a word to him, same for him to me. But if he breaks up, I KNOW for a fact that he won’t go with me. He likes those preppy girls that wear their hair in a bob, a messy ponytail, flares, (I wear flares) with those plaid or checkered button up shirts that they wear over white tees.

NO guy has ever asked me out in 2 years! I have a feeling that I may be ugly. When I look in the mirror, I look fine, but when I look in the 3-way mirror I look demented! My nose is crooked and everything.

What can I do to make it *normal*? How can I make myself look and feel better??

–Unloved

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